Chapter 55
Dear Buffy,
Therapy went well and I can do without the ‘I told you so!’ thank you very much. The jury is still out as it was only my first session, but we’ll see what happens. The good thing is I’m a bit more open to it than I was.
I think you were right in our needing a break. I do miss you, though. Do you miss me? Or are you happy to finally be rid of me for a bit?
Do you think in a few days we could get together and talk about what this break exactly entails?
I love you,
Spike
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Dear Spike,
Of course I miss you. Silly man for asking me that. I never want to be ‘rid’ of you. I think yes, in a few days, we should get together. You know I can’t go that long without seeing my favorite person in the whole wide world.
I’m glad therapy went well. You were in my thoughts the entire time. And I will refrain from the ‘I told you so!’ for at least a month in. Have to make sure it gels first before I get the ‘I told you so!’ from you. *Cheeky grin*
I’m really digging this note thing. Are you?
Love you,
Buffy
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Dear Buffy,
You make me laugh. I really am ‘digging’ this note thing. It’s giving us our space and allowing us to still talk.
I love you, baby, I do. You’re my girl and I’m sorry that things got so skewed between us. I can see things a little clearer now and when I do that ‘once removed’ thing you’re so fond of, I can see where I put a lot on you. I made you fix me and when you didn’t want to fix me, I took it to mean you didn’t love me anymore. I’m sorry for that; I know you love me. You’ve put yourself aside to take care of me and I took advantage of that.
I will try to be better about that.
Guess what? I’m going out with Xander tonight. Imagine that, Spike’s got a friend. Did you have something to do with that? I know you had something to do with Fred calling me and she told me about Angel. Thank you, sweetheart.
Love you always,
Spike
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Dear Spike,
You’re gonna make me cry! Spike, I love you too. I always have and I always will. Please don’t take all the blame for the dysfunction that happened between us. Remember how messy I was for quite some time. I couldn’t have been that much fun to deal with. I know I wasn’t. And I still feel bad for how I trekked off to Boston and committed myself. You had to put a lot aside to take care of me; it only makes sense that there were needs you had to tend to as well. I’m only sorry that I couldn’t have opened up more back then. I am trying now, just as you are, so this time, it’s like we’re doing it together.
I had nothing to do with Xander calling you and I plead the Fifth on Fred!
Behave yourself with Xander, mister! Perhaps the four of us could go out again soon? I do miss you and I love you.
Buffy
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Dear Buffy,
Yeah, see, now you’re making me cry. Don’t you dare ever tell anyone that I am such an incredible nancy-boy, all right?
Sweetheart, please don’t apologize for Boston and please don’t apologize for committing yourself. I see now what tremendous strength it took to do that. It took me how long to finally seek help? It took all of my might to go that day, so I see now that it’s not as easy as strolling in and laying it out there on the table. It takes work.
It’s not like you could have put a timetable on when you’d need someone to help you just as I couldn’t have put a timetable on it for myself.
I do feel that this time we are working on things together and heading toward a common goal instead of against each other.
You do realize that pleading the Fifth just means you’re guilty, right? And please, do set up a time for us to all get together. It’s been almost a week now sweetheart and I want to see my girl.
I miss you,
Spike
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Dear Spike,
Perhaps part of what we need to do is stop apologizing for everything that we’ve done that we think had to do with messing up the other? We constantly go back and forth with the apologizing and perhaps we just need to put that shit behind us and focus on the now. I think in fact someone said that once before…
I am so proud of you for going to therapy. I didn’t think you were going to go through with it, but I am so glad you did. My mom told me once that the path of least resistance is not always the best path to take. She said that taking the hardest path might be difficult; the rewards from it were well worth it even if it doesn’t seem like it while you’re on it. Therapy is not always easy, but pushing through is imperative as I have found out.
And change, well, that’s never easy is it? I’m looking for some coasting now. I’ve been pushing up this hill and I’m thinking once I get over it, its smooth sailing for at least a little while. Do you feel that way too?
As for any admittance of guilt…I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.
Hugs and kisses,
Buffy
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Dear Buffy,
Yes, I do feel that after this there is some coasting on the horizon. Can we be really cheesy and hold hands while we coast?
I believe it was me that said we shouldn’t keep apologizing…see; now you start to listen. Brat.
Your mom was a wise woman and you know what, Buffy? So are you. You are wise in your own right and I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.
I know you think, or at least thought – don’t know if you do anymore – that I transferred what I had with Joyce to you, and I can see where you thought that, but Buffy, you have to believe me, that’s not the case.
You are the first woman I have ever truly loved with all my heart and all my soul. You consume me like no other and it’s so overwhelming to me, the depth and the breadth of my love for you…
I simply never had it before, not like this. I just knew that when I fell for you, I could never let you go. The idea of losing that filled me with dread. It still does, but I am working on not letting it become my entire life. I’m doing well, don’t you think?
Sweetheart, please, let me see you soon.
Spike
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Dear Spike
You are doing well. I’m so very proud of you and I love you so very much.
Did you know we missed Valentine’s Day? By like two weeks. We really are nuts. Don’t yell at me for that! *Grin*
You made me cry again in your last letter and I think I’d do well to tell you to your face what you mean to me. Meet us at the Bronze at 8.
Can’t wait to see you,
Buffy
Smiling broadly with abject joy, Spike rushed up to the bathroom after reading his letter from Buffy to get ready to see his girl.