Chapter 26
“Why did you opt to not see Spike today?” Giles asked as he watched Buffy blow up half her balloon and then feed it to the helium tank between them that one of the nurses were so kind to bring out.
Taking her mouth of a blue balloon, she moved her sore lips around and rolled her eyes. “Was wondering when you’d get to that.” She handed him the balloon to tie off after having filled the rest with the helium, and add string to while she grabbed a pink balloon, the one she decided would stand for her mother. “I wasn’t ready to see him. I felt like I had to get my head together first and try to wrap my mind around all that he’d told me.”
“You know what I think?”
“No, but I’m sure you’re gonna tell me,” Buffy drawled, stretching out the ‘neck’ of the pink balloon.
“I think when you say you wanted to get your head together before seeing him; you meant you want to see if you can not feel for him what you do. That given enough time, you’ll stop, miraculously.”
Buffy nudged him with her elbow. “Cheeky bugger.”
“Am I right?”
“Yes, unfortunately.”
Giles smiled. “It is part of my job, Buffy. Why do you want to not feel for him?”
“Why do you encourage it? Isn’t it your job to discourage me from having feelings for him?”
“Now why would I do that when I think he’s good for you?”
Buffy’s eyes bugged. “You think he’s good for me?”
Giles chuckled. “Yes, I do. Very much so. Buffy, that day you denied seeing him, you cried all day long, after you made the decision to see him, you stopped.”
“But now I have a whole new set of issues now that I have seen him!”
“Only because you’re making them that way. I will admit I had my reservations about the two of you, but after having met him and worked with you some, I don’t see the wrong here. I will also admit it sounds funny, but the reality and the truth of it, is that it’s normal and natural. First, there’s only an eight year age difference, second, you two barely knew each other, having never lived under the same roof before, only knowing of each other and third, I imagine there are quite a few similarities between the two of you aside from your mother that you both share. Am I right?”
“Yes,” Buffy said slowly.
“Buffy,” Giles said earnestly, turning toward her. “He loves you a great deal, and what’s more, you love him. He’s come all this way to help you and be there for you. Don’t turn him away, and don’t turn what you have with him away. I am not going to lie to you and tell you that there are not going to be a few hurdles to get over, but that’s any relationship. Allow yourself happiness. Allow yourself him. My job is to lead you to what’s healthy and good, to what’s right for you to get well, to stay well. Buffy, hold onto Spike and don’t let go.”
“Giles?” Buffy asked softly, nibbling her bottom lip.
“Yes?”
“You spied on us when he visited, didn’t you?”
He narrowed his eyes slightly. “Cheeky bugger.”
********
Emblazoned on one blue balloon was the word “ANGER”. Buffy looked to Giles who frowned.
“What?” she asked.
“Don’t skimp on it, fill that balloon with all that you’re angry about,” he directed.
“Okay, then.” Taking the Sharpie, Buffy began to fill the balloon as directed, telling him out loud what she was angry about. “My father hating me…my father being an asshole…my attitude toward my mother for the past five years…myself…myself…not being able to forgive myself… not being able to forgive her…my father…” She stared at the balloon and then at him. “It doesn’t seem like a lot now, does it?”
“Being angry with yourself packs quite a bit, Buffy. All those things you listed don’t make them any less just because they don’t make an impressive list. They say depression is anger turned inwards. You’ve had all these things pile upon each other over and over in different ways with different scenarios. Trust me, you have quite a bit.”
Standing, Buffy held up the balloon over her head. “Goodbye, Anger!”
“Again!” Giles encouraged.
“Goodbye, Anger!” Buffy shouted and watched the balloon take off, get caught in a tree and pop. She laughed in delight. “It deflated!”
Giles laughed. “That tells you something doesn’t it?”
Buffy smiled brightly at him. “I’m deflating.”
********
After letting guilt, sorrow, and then grief go, it came time for the letter. Reaching into her pocket, Buffy produced a wad of tissues. Giles looked at them and then up at her.
“To cut back on the slobbering as much as I can,” she explained, “Do you mind?”
He grinned and took the proffered tissues. “I do not.”
Taking out her worn blue notebook with a crease right down the center from folding it in half so much to cram it in a drawer or in her suitcase, Buffy flipped to the last page, taking pride in hearing the papers crinkle as she flipped through them. Her journal was well used and for that reason, her most trusted friend.
Taking a deep breath, she began unceremoniously with “Dear Mom”, and already began to well up in tears. Swallowing hard, she continued past the sob in her throat. “Mom, the first thing I want you to know is that I love you and I never stopped loving you even when it seemed that I did. I was angry with you and my pride, you know the one I inherited from my father, is something vast and fierce. Unfortunately. It’s something I wish to work on.
I never did tell you, Mom, that there were so many things about you that I wished I could have inherited – your patience, your ability to forgive, and the enormous capacity you had to love. Those are things to be in awe of, to strive for, and to admire. I have always admired you, Mom.”
Buffy paused then and Giles handed her a tissue. Wiping at her eyes, Buffy took a shuddering breath and continued. “The memories I have of my childhood when we were all together, were happy memories. I tried to hold onto those days, often forgetting what it was like when Dad turned to alcohol instead of us to comfort him. I see now that I preferred to see things through rose-colored glasses, as one often does when they want what they once had, back. I made you the monster instead of him, and you have no idea how eternally sorry I am for that.”
Buffy paused, trying to gather her wits about her. Looking away from Giles, she took several deep breaths and then continued when the need to break down had passed. “I wish you had told me, Mom. I wish I had known of your relationship with Spike. I wish I had known of your plans. You made me so angry when I came home at your request and he was there, and you were so happy in your plans to marry him. How did you expect me to react? How did you think it was going to go when you fucking knew I wanted you to get back with Dad? A child’s dream, I know now, but it was still my dream.
I had to go, Mom. I had to go with Dad because you’d betrayed me, you’d betrayed us, and you’d betrayed our family. I soon learned what a mistake it was, but pride, my goddamned pride, wouldn’t let me tell you. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it Mom?
He didn’t want anything to do with me. He used me. He saw you in me, he saw my failure as a daughter to get our family back together, and I blamed you for that.” Placing her notebook, open, on her lap, she reached out at the same time Giles handed her tissues and she promptly blew her nose.
“I blamed you for making him hate me, for making things so hard and so difficult,” she continued on through her tears. “I hated you and I loved you, and I hated him and I loved him. It was easier to …to hate…you…because you loved me. It was harder to hate him because he…he hated me, Mom and it was hard, it was so very hard to know that. I didn’t get it then, and I don’t get it now no matter how hard I try. I have to ask myself – did he ever love me? Or was I just there? What if you had gotten back with him? Would I have mattered after a time? Ever? I don’t have the answers to those questions, and I realize, I never will. Your precocious daughter hates not having answers. His denial of me fucks with my head.
I came back, Mom. I came back and I made amends with Spike and . . . I love him.” Buffy shut her eyes tightly, this time not even bothering to read from the notebook. “I love Spike and…and I don’t know what to do about it cause I feel like I’m betraying you, Momma. Please, please don’t hate me for loving him. He’s such a wonderful man, you were right…you did good, Mom. You did. Please, Mom, forgive me. Please let it be okay that we love each other,” she whispered on a plea, “Please let it be okay.” And she sobbed into her gloved hands.
“Buffy,” Giles whispered.
“What?” she asked mournfully.
“Look.”
Buffy removed her hands from her eyes, and opened them slowly. Snow. It was snowing.
“I think you got your answer,” Giles said, “What do you think?”
She nodded, unable to speak past the wealth of awe and emotion swelling inside her.
And when she released her balloon for her mother, her letter attached, Buffy waved and blew it a kiss. “I love you, Mom!” she shouted, watching it drift off.
“How do you feel?” Giles asked.
“Tired. Exhausted, really.”
“That’s what happens after a cathartic activity.”
Buffy smiled. “I like that word. I always have. Cathartic. It just sounds good, doesn’t it? ‘The purging of emotion’. I think I should do that more often, what do you think?”
Giles smiled. “I think that’s a marvelous idea, Buffy.”
“Me too, Giles, me too. . . So, do you mind if I call Spike when we get back?”