Chapter 14
Buffy had no right to be upset with Spike for talking to a woman. Yes, a woman. He was a widower and he was in fact alone, save for her, and it wasn’t even that she felt he was betraying her mother. It wasn’t that at all. She wished it were that.
And besides, she was the one who told him to mingle. She wanted him to make friends, wanted him to go out and live his life. Buffy understood he was still grieving, but she figured if he went out at least maybe it’d help. Course, she didn’t expect it to be a woman.
Double standard? Totally.
“Hi!” Buffy greeted the pair all too cheery, all too saccharine sweet. Spike would see right through it. In fact, he gave her a questioning look. Ignoring him, she stuck out her hand to the woman with the waist length brown hair and eyes as warm and as friendly as Angel’s. “Hi, I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m uh, seeing your cousin. I’m Buffy.”
Fred smiled, somewhat shyly and nervously, darting a glance to Angel.
“Hey Fred, glad you could make it,” Angel said happily, hugging his cousin.
Buffy rolled her eyes and Spike nudged her with his elbow.
“I was going to introduce the two of you anyway,” Angel was saying, “So it’s good to see you two talking.”
Buffy looked up at him, “Do you want me to call you ‘Emma’?”
Spike nudged her again and Buffy started to laugh.
Angel took her elbow, “Come on, Buff. Let’s go have a drink, all right?”
Buffy looked to Spike, awaiting his green light before she went. He nodded and she allowed Angel to lead her away.
********
Angel spent the rest of the party convincing her to go away with him, and her answer was the same each time: “I have to ask Spike first.”
He didn’t seem to get that holidays were a big deal when you’ve lost a loved one, and she knew he had never lost anyone close to him and she also knew that just based on her, he didn’t get it. She didn’t let anyone but Spike know that she hurt. Angel never knew what happened on Thanksgiving. He’d asked how it went, she’d said fine, and that was the end of it. In that respect, she could understand how Angel might think she was doing just fine, and yes, she was doing better, everyday was a step toward healing, but this was the holiday season, and therefore not necessarily a happy time after just losing someone you love.
Which, she found it funny. She spent five years without her mom at Christmastime, but just like Thanksgiving, it was with the idea that she could go if she chose to. And, her mom always called at least three times that day, irregardless if Buffy answered the phone or not.
It was with those thoughts plaguing her that she started to feel she needed to get out of the damn party and away from Angel and his nonstop blathering about New Year’s, about her and Spike’s dependency on one another, and how he really thought this was a good thing for them as a couple.
She started to feel as though she couldn’t breathe and when Angel tried to gather her in his arms, she shoved him away with all her might. “I don’t want you right now!” she screamed at him. Somewhere in her mind, she was aware that this was going to cause a scene and she felt embarrassed by it, slightly, the other part of her not caring. When he suggested they take a walk out onto his balcony, she told him she’d only go without him there and he told her that was not an option.
“I don’t trust you alone, Buffy,” he told her.
“What? You think I’m going to kill myself or something? Are you fucking nuts?”
She could see from his face that he thought she might be and that only served to anger her further. Pushing her way through the party, she had one intent: The Door. The Exit. A way out. And she made it, finally, running down the hall with the walls closing in around her, and someone shouting her name. She opted to use the stairs instead of the elevator and when she finally made it outside, she heaved the deepest breath she could, feeling light-headed.
“Buffy.”
And then Spike was there: Gathering her in his arms, holding her close, helping her breathe.
Maybe she was too dependent on him.
“Baby, what happened?” he murmured, brushing hair from her face as strands clung to her wet cheeks from the salt pouring from her eyes.
“I’m home and she’s not!” she managed to get out through the sobs that wracked her body.
“I know, I know…” he murmured and held her tightly.
“He thinks I’m crazy,” she whispered. “I think I am.”
“What?”
“Angel thinks I’m crazy. He thinks you’re crazy. He thinks we’re crazy together.”
“Did he say that?” the tightness in his voice indicated his defensiveness on the matter.
“He said we’re too dependent on one another.”
Silence.
Buffy pulled back, looking up at him. “Do you think we are?”
He met her eyes, gazing at her imploringly, willing her to understand. “Yes.”
That felt like a slap. She pushed at him, breaking free.
“Buffy, I won’t deny that I need you that we need each other, but I think he’s right. We are dependent on each other in a way that borders on unhealthy. At least for me.”
“How?”
“Buffy, you’re the only one I trust, the only one I count on, the only one I can talk to-”
“It’s the same for me!”
“And yet you have Angel.”
“Angel,” she spat, “He’s just–”
“Your boyfriend.”
She clamped her mouth shut.
“Buffy, I can’t bear the thought of being without you…how is that healthy?”
Her eyes welled up in tears. He was right. She hated it, but it was true. Hearing her feelings spoken from Spike’s lips finally pounded it in her thick skull.
“He wants me to go away with him,” she told him, “For a week. During New Year’s.”
Spike visibly froze. “And?”
“I…I told him I’d ask you. I don’t want to leave you alone on New Year’s, Spike–”
“Go.”
“What?”
“You have to go.”
“No, I really don’t.”
“Yes, you do. I want you to go.”
“You—you want me to?” she asked meekly.
“Yes,” he said resolutely, on a sigh, meeting her eyes.
“What will you do?”
“Fred was talking about going into L.A. for First Night. Maybe I’ll go with her.”
Buffy nodded, fighting back tears. “Okay.”
“Buffy, pet, I…” he said impassioned, “It doesn’t mean I don’t need you or want you here, it doesn’t mean that at all.”
She nodded, “I know.”
“But you were right about needing other things, too.”
“I know.” I just didn’t want to be.
Spike held out his hand. “Come on, luv. Let’s go back to the party, okay?”
She nodded, taking his hand and allowing him to lead her back inside. Just when they were about to re-enter Angel’s, Buffy turned to Spike. “Do me one favor?”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t call me ‘luv’, ‘pet’, ‘baby’ or ‘kitten’ if you plan to call her that,” and she opened the door and stepped inside, heading off to find Angel before Spike could get a word in edgewise.