Chapter 48
Buffy wasn’t crying. Not anymore. She was just quiet in his arms, head buried in the crook between his neck and shoulder, her breath fanning across his neck, ruffling the curls there. Rolling slightly so that he slid out of her and so that they lay on their side, Spike felt at a loss as to what to do.
“Do you want me to go?” he whispered, praying that wasn’t what she wanted.
Her hold on him tightened. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
She nodded, “Can you just hold me?”
“Of course.”
He held her for so long in the quiet sanctuary in the room without a word spoken that Spike thought she’d fallen asleep. When he started to shift away, her grip tightened once more.
“Where are you going?”
“Just to the bathroom, luv. You want anything while I’m up?”
She shook her head and released her hold so he could move. Just as he crawled out of bed, Buffy scooted under the covers and looked at him, her eyes tired, her face drawn. “Can you get me a water? I think I want some water.”
He nodded, “Sure pet.”
The actions and the talk were mundane, but the emotions were all over. She had weariness about her, but he knew her well enough to know that her mind was churning. So was his for that matter.
Using the facilities and then shuffling to the kitchen for her water, Spike wasn’t sure if he should bring it all up, or just wait for her lead. The good news was that she wasn’t kicking him out, and that each time he’d tried to ease out of her grasp, she’d held onto him. In fact, she’d asked him to hold her. That had to mean something. Right?
Pouring water into a glass from the tap, Spike’s mind shuffled to their earlier conversation in which she’d asked him to put himself in her shoes. Okay, so say my Mum died and my Da took up with a woman and then later, I took up with that woman. Let’s say that woman was Buffy. Immediately, his nose wrinkled. Okay, so that once removed thing really works.
“Spike?”
“I’m coming, sweetheart.”
Shutting off the tap, he padded back to the bedroom, and placed her glass on the night table next to her before going to the drawer she’d put his things in and taking out a pair of sweats to wear.
Climbing back into bed just as she was putting her glass back down, he waited for her next move.
“I’m going to use the bathroom now,” she murmured and climbed out of bed, naked as the day she was born. Watching her walk to the bathroom was an exercise in restraint; she was a gorgeous woman and he loved her, ergo, he wanted her. Even in the face of what they were currently facing. He couldn’t help it. He was a man reacting to the woman he loved without reason.
When she came back, she was wearing a t-shirt and panties. Climbing back into the bed, she faced his way. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, staring at his chest.
“Buffy, please don’t apologize. I feel bad enough.”
Her gaze flew up to his. “Why?”
“I forced you.”
“You didn’t force me. I could have stopped you at any time.”
“You didn’t want it. So, why didn’t you?”
“Because I wanted to show you that I do want you. I want to be over it and I thought if I just went for it, I’d get over it.”
“Instead, it made it worse.”
“I just couldn’t help thinking… ‘Did he say those things to her? Did he do those same things to her? Did he feel the same with her–”
“Now hold on just a goddamn minute.”
She clamped her mouth shut at his forceful tone.
Grabbing her into his arms, he held her close. “The way I made love to you is different than how I …with your mother. You’re two different woman and Buffy; you’re the one I’m in love with now.”
“You loved her at one time–”
“And I loved her differently then too. Buffy, I never loved her the way I love you.”
“Was she better?”
“Buffy–”
“Don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.”
“Good, cause that’s not something that you need to hear.”
“Why? Was she better?”
“Buffy, that’s not how I meant it. I meant that knowing how your mother was in bed with me is not something you need to know. That’s not helping you get past that it’s gross.”
She burst into tears. “I don’t think you’re gross! I’m just fucked in the head for thinking it! It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Buffy, luv, you know…I was thinking while I was getting your water and I was thinking of what you said earlier about if the situation was different. If it was you with my Da, I’d feel the same way.”
“You would?”
“Yes.”
“And how would you go about getting over it?”
“Time. Patience. Knowing that I’m not the same man, that I’m me and you love me more than anything in the world. And knowing that you’d be patient and understanding with me.”
She nodded, looking up at him. “I would be.”
“Buffy, making love was the first step. Perhaps we should have gone slower, a few sessions of heavy petting, but when have we ever half assed something?”
She laughed, slightly nervously. “We never have. We either jump in all the way, or not at all.”
“Never a dull moment,” Spike chuckled, feeling some of the tension starting to melt.
“Do you think we have an unhealthy relationship?”
“What relationship isn’t somewhat dysfunctional and unhealthy? Do you think there are all these people out there in the world having these perfect relationships? No. Nothing is ever truly perfect Buffy. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and every relationship has one person that doesn’t communicate at all, or communicates too much, and then there are those in between moments that we all look for. We’ve had our ups, don’t you think, love?”
She nodded. “I like to think so.”
“We’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. We’ve actually come a long way from that pair of misfits that couldn’t stand one another.”
“You never want to sleep with me again, do you? Who wants to sleep with the girl that cries and thinks of her mom while having sex? And here I was worried you’d be thinking of her and I was!”
Spike couldn’t help but laugh. “Buffy, it’s not something that isn’t surmountable, and it’s not something that has to be sorted out right away. And for the record? I was thinking of you the whole time. Thinking how gorgeous you are, how perfect, and how much I love you. It was you, sweetheart, all you.”
“Before you were freaking out when I told you and now you’re all with the calm, what’s up with that?”
“It was my turn to give you some peace of mind, and I’m telling you, that picturing you with my Dad really did the trick.”
“I always tried to tell you about that theory of—“
“Once removed,” they said at the same time and laughed.
“We share, that’s how I see it,” Spike told her once they’d quieted. “Our relationship can be dysfunctional, our relationship can be unhealthy, but it’s ours. You’re mine, Buffy and I told you once and I’ll tell you again: I’m never letting you go.”
“Never,” she whispered and snuggled into his embrace. “I love you.”