Chapter 36
His mouth, Buffy decided, was magic. It made all thought leave her mind and turned her into a puddle of goo in a matter of seconds. With his mouth and his passion, he could go on the road and seduce women everywhere.
Well, really, if she compiled a list it would be his stunning smile, the adorable look he got when he was caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing, his tight ass, his laugh, his deep voice, his ability to make her feel like the only woman in the world, his embrace, how he made her feel protected and cherished, his wit, his intelligence – all of those things combined served to make Spike the perfect man. No wonder her mother –
Like a cold bucket of ice had been dumped on her, Buffy pushed at Spike who took her pushing to mean she needed to breathe and started leaving nibbling kisses down her neck instead.
“Spike–” she gasped, her nipples tightening and hardening under not only his expert hands that went along with his expert mouth, but from the sensation of feeling his erection rubbing oh-so-perfectly against her core.
He wasn’t listening, or, if he was, he wasn’t answering.
“Spike, please, you have to stop.”
That did it. He froze, lifted his head up slowly to look at her and removed his hands from under her shirt.
She looked at the worry and confusion on his face and felt guilty – not to mention stupid. Of all the things to think of, she thought of hermother at a time like this?
Was it completely off base for her to think of how the man hovering above her had slept with her mom? For five years. She had to assume they had a healthy sex life, and the idea of sleeping with the man that slept with her mother, was more than a little unnerving. It was…creepy, and well, kind of gross. And yet not. On the other end of the grossness factor was an incredibly hot man that was in love with her, and with whom she was in love with.
And so begins the circles my thoughts will now take. Round and round and round… This should be fun. As if I didn’t have enough in my head. Well, this wasn’t exactly old, but I didn’t think sex was yet a…thing.
“Buffy?”
“I’m sorry. I—I can’t. I’m not ready.”
He rolled off her completely, lying on his back with a hand across his face. “’M sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
“I am, just the same.”
“What um, what happened there, killer?” she asked, trying to lighten the sudden heavy mood.
He chuckled nervously. “You, singing to me–”
“Man, that Marvin Gaye is good.”
“—and…and you leaving me.”
“I’m not leaving you!” Buffy exclaimed, throwing her arms up, frustrated.
“Kitten, I can’t help it. I’m scared. We covered this remember? I like having you here with me. I like just having you with me. I like coming home after a long day and being alone with you.”
“Spike, I work with you. You’re spending those long days with me.”
Rolling onto his side, he gathered her in his arms and nuzzled her neck. “You move me, sweetheart, singing to me like that. No one’s ever sung to me before and with such enthusiasm.”
Buffy giggled, “Well, that’s just ‘cause I’m a gigantic dork. I figured from one dork to another…”
“Hey!” and he swatted her bottom.
“Oooh… you’re getting frisky!” Buffy laughed.
Toppling her, Spike leaned in and kissed her hungrily. “There’s more where that came from,” he told her huskily.
“Spike, I…it’s not that I don’t want to,” she whispered. “But I’m not ready.”
With a sigh and a nod, he collapsed against her, resting his head on her breast. “But you do want me?”
“How could I not?”
He popped his head up and grinned, “Thanks.”
Buffy giggled, and wove her fingers through his hair, playing with his unruly curls. “I just feel like we’ve been through a lot already and in many ways still getting to know each other. I just got back from being locked up and–”
In a flash he was off her, and pacing. “Christ. I’m such a cad.”
“Cad?”
“Yes, I’m a cad,” Spike continued on. “I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”
“Spike, you didn’t push me. I asked you to stop, you stopped.” Sitting up and then standing, she took his hand and squeezed it. “I just want to be with you without the complications right now and sex creates complications…don’t you think?”
He nodded mutely and tugged her in for a hug. Propping his chin on top of her head, he whispered. “We’ll take our time.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ve got an idea. How about I take you out, hmm? Go out for dinner, maybe a movie too, if you want.”
“Like a date?”
Leaning back, he put his finger under her chin, making her look at him. “Not like a date. An actual date.”
Buffy smiled, “I’d like that.”
********
Later that evening, Buffy and Spike sat in a nearby pizza joint, sharing a super greasy cheese pizza and giggling like teenagers.
“Pet, I could have taken you somewhere a little nicer, you know,” he informed her as she took a gigantic cheesy bite.
“Yeah, I know,” she said once she’d swallowed, “but I love this place and I was craving greasy pizza. I love it when the pizza’s so greasy the cheese just slides off. Did you want something else?”
“No, this is perfect for me,” he said fondly, gazing at her adoringly.
“Spike?”
“Yes, love?”
“How did you get the nickname, Spike?”
Nearly choking on his pizza, and his face going red from it, Spike gulped down some Coke. “Why do you want to know that?”
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe because I don’t get it. I mean, I’m used to it and never thought to ask before, but now I want to know. Why?”
“It’s a little dirty.”
“Should I cover my virgin ears?” Buffy whispered and leaned in closer.
Spike grinned. “If you cover your ears, you won’t hear how I got the nickname,” he whispered back.
“Good point. So, how?”
“Why are we whispering?”
“Because it’s fun. Tell me.”
“I had this girlfriend in college…”
Buffy forced herself to not visibly cringe. “Yeah?”
“And she was kind of a nutter. Okay, I’m not whispering anymore. Anyway, she was more than a little tapped and quite kinky. Well, one night at a party, she dragged me in a bedroom and pretty much attacked me and was screaming ‘Spike me! Spike me!’ My friends heard her and started calling me ‘Spike’ to tease me – why are you scowling?”
“Why am I what? Maybe you should have really whispered that.”
“No dodging, luv. You were scowling.”
Buffy shrugged nonchalantly and started collecting their trash. “What time is the movie?”
A look of awe passed over his face. “You’re jealous.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Please, William.”
“You are!”
“I am not,” she grumbled and slid out of the booth, heading for the trash with Spike hot on her heels. “I’m just thinking I should call you William from now on.”
Spinning her around, he smiled down at her, “It’s okay to be jealous, kitten. It actually makes me feel rather good. Do you know how much I wanted to club Angel with his arm after I ripped it off him?”
Buffy giggled. “I do now.” She pouted, “I don’t do jealousy well.”
Leaning in, Spike stole a kiss. “You have nothing to be jealous about, love. You’re my girl for …forever.”
“Really? Forever’s a really long time. You sure you want to be saddled with me for that long?”
Kissing her again, he whispered, “More than sure, sweetheart, more than sure.”
“Come on Romeo, these people didn’t pay for a show with dinner.” Tugging him outside, Buffy pulled him to the car.
“Why would you think I wouldn’t want to spend forever with you, luv?”
“Cause it’s…forever. I mean, I’m not expert, but forever is…forever, ya know?”
Opening the door for her, Spike pecked her lips quickly before she slid in. “I’m not a chronic dater, Buffy.”
Waiting until he had slid in on his side and buckled in, Buffy turned into him slightly. “Can I ask a somewhat touchy question?”
“Sure.”
“If my mom hadn’t… you know…would you have stayed married to her?”
Spike took his hand from the ignition and looked at her. “Probably.”
“Probably? That doesn’t sound like you’re sure.”
He sighed, “Buffy, my life with your mom was content. Like I told you before, she took care of me and I was fine that way.”
“I sense a but here.”
He nodded, “But…I was starting to feel restless. Since your mom took care of things, took care of me, I never needed to ask for much, or ask about much. I had a job, a house, a wife – and in some circles, I had a kid too. According to the American Dream, I had it all.”
“But you’re not American.”
“No, I’m not.”
“So, you were feeling less content?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“Are you upset by that?”
“No,” she said honestly, shaking her head. “You wouldn’t have cheated on her would you?”
Spike looked down at his hands. “No.”
“What is it?”
“Do you ever wonder?” he whispered.
“Wonder what?”
“Wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t left, if you’d stuck around.”
“You mean–?”
He nodded, looking at her shamefully. “I can’t help but think of it sometimes. I think I – I mean I know I–” he shook his head, looking away from her. “I’m awful. You think I’m awful, don’t you?”
Unbuckling, Buffy slid over to him and wrapped an arm across his middle, resting her chin on his shoulder. “Spike, no. I don’t think you’re awful. I wondered the same thing, I just felt awful myself for thinking it, but…but this thing we have…”
He turned to her, “You feel it too, don’t you?” he asked softly. “This thing that binds us together.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I feel it too. But I know you couldn’t have done that to her, and I couldn’t have either.”
He nodded and pulled her onto his lap. “That’s right. We wouldn’t have.”
“It just wasn’t time for us, right?”
“No, it wasn’t time for us then. Now it is though, now it is,” and he kissed her softly, and yet fervently.
Wrapping her arms around him, Buffy buried her face in his neck. “I want to apologize in advance.”
“For?”
“For not being very good at relationships.” Teasingly, she added, “I know I seem oh-so worldly and experienced, but I’m not. I’ve had few boyfriends, none of them having worked out. I’m…I’m kind of a freak when it comes to relationships.”
“What do you mean?”
“They said I was too independent, and yet, I really wasn’t. Or at least it wasn’t that way for me. Inside I wanted to cling to them and never let go and the more I felt that way, the more I pulled back. And it wasn’t that any of them were any real great prizes either. They really weren’t, but they wanted me and that’s all I knew.
I was always so alone and so tired of being that way and when some guy was there sweet talking me and showering me with affection, I sucked it up. My Dad didn’t think I was anything special, but someone did. So very Freudian. Some guy did. Inevitably, I’d start to lose myself in them and I couldn’t lose myself so I pulled back from them and they didn’t like that. They didn’t know how much inside I wanted to wrap around them like a vine, and I couldn’t tell them. My Dad knew how much I wanted to be part of his life and he shoved me out. For a long time I thought he saw something ugly inside of me, something that made him tire of me, something that made him disgusted with me, and so in my warped mind I reasoned that those guys would find the same thing inside me, and I couldn’t bear for anotherrejection.”
“Oh, kitten,” Spike said hoarsely, “There is nothing ugly about you. You’re so beautiful – inside and out.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s true.”
“One of the things I love so much about you Spike is that I’m free with you. I can tell you that you’re not allowed to like anyone more than me, and that I need you and …and it doesn’t scare you. You let me be me. And while it might scare me, and I might occassionally run, I can’t stop from wanting to be with you and loving you. You don’t run from me. Or at least, you haven’t yet.”
“I never will,” he whispered. “Look at me, kitten.”
Gulping, Buffy peered at him through the dusky light.
“For forever, Buffy,” he told her firmly. “You’re my girl for forever. It wasn’t our time then, but it is now and I’m not ever gonna let you go, okay?”
Buffy nodded. “Okay.”