Chapter 22
“You came all the way from Boston to see her?” Dr. Giles asked as he opened his office door and stood aside to usher Spike in.
Spike glanced up at him warily. “When you find out the person you care about has checked themselves into a mental health facility, you tend to worry and do whatever it takes to get to them.”
“So you care for her a great deal then?” Dr. Giles said, sitting down behind his desk, placing his hands on his lap and studying Spike with a blank expression.
Spike could do without the look and the question. It felt like an accusation more than a question. “I do care for her a great deal, yes.”
“What is the exact nature of your caring for her?”
“What are you trying to get at, you bloody git?”
Dr. Giles smiled. “I’m sorry. I realize my methods can seem a bit underhanded. I apologize. I just want to help her, as I’m sure you want her to be helped.”
“We’re not sleeping together, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Spike told him. “We live together. We have since her mum died – my former wife.”
“My condolences.”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Spike muttered. “Look, she took off to Hawaii for a week with her boyfriend. While she was there, they broke up. She got it in her head to see her father that pretty much discarded her when he didn’t get what he wanted. Her father drops the bomb that he has cancer and the next thing I know she’s sobbing on the phone to me and checking in here. And now she won’t see me?” To his great dismay, Spike started to well up in tears. “I’ve traveled very far to see her, Dr. Giles. I’m worried about her. Is she all right? Did she hurt herself? Why is she here?”
Dr. Giles’ whole demeanor softened. Clearing his throat, he said gently, “I’m sorry, Mr.?”
“Pratt. But I hate that. It’s Spike.”
“I’m sorry, Spike. I can’t disclose the reasons why she checked herself in. All I can say is that she did what most people neglect to do when they have reached their limit – she sought help to feel better. It’s commendable.”
“I knew she hadn’t been happy; we’ve both been grieving and sometimes she’s real good at sharing with me and other times she just closes herself off.” He wiped at his tears. “I’m crying like a Nancy boy, aren’t I?”
“It would appear that you’re under stress yourself.”
“I am.”
“I can assure you that Buffy is fine. She is not hurt in any way.”
“Can I see her? Please? I just want to see her so I can see that she’s all right with my own two eyes.”
Dr. Giles sighed. “I will see what I can do. Have you checked into a hotel yet?”
“Not yet. I came straight here from the airport.”
Dr. Giles smiled softly. “You were indeed worried.”
“I wasn’t lying when I said I care for her a great deal, Dr. Giles. For a while now Buffy has been all I have.”
“Do you think it’s fair to put her in that position to take care of you when she needs to take care of herself right now?”
Spike glared at him. “That’s not how I meant it. I meant that I have come to care for her a great deal in the time we’ve been together. She’s been all I had, and I’ve been all she has. We’ve come to know each other quite well. The last thing I want is for Buffy to be in pain. I want her to be better, but I don’t want her to be alone. She has been alone for far too long in this world.”
Dr. Giles nodded thoughtfully. “I will see what I can do. Why don’t you leave your contact number and I will ring you when I receive an answer.”
“Thank you,” Spike said brusquely, feeling uneasy about this whole damn situation, as if he wasn’t already feeling uneasy about it. Now he had some doctor that was not Fred, to prey upon his already troubled feelings regarding Buffy.
And now he had to wonder: What had she told this quack?
********
“How long have you been crying now, Buffy?” Dr. Giles asked later that afternoon.
Buffy was exhausted—emotionally, physically and mentally. She’d sat up and sobbed her heart out after she told the nurse to not let Spike in to see her.
”Since Spike was here.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to see him.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
She stared at him incredulously. “Have you been listening to me at all?”
“Do you think you would feel this way if you’d seen him?”
“No…I would have been happy and relieved to see him. But it wouldn’t have lasted.”
“Because then you would have felt guilty?”
“Yes.”
“Because of your mother.”
“Yes. Look, are we going to rehash this crap, or are you actually going to give me something I can work with here?”
“I think you should see him.”
Buffy stared at him. “What?”
“I think you should see him.”
“Why do you think I should see him?”
“I had the pleasure of meeting him after you declined his visitation. He’s worried about you. And seeing how you have been unable to stop crying because you denied seeing him, I think you should see him to alleviate this stress.”
“And then after?”
“We’ll deal with after later.”
“What kind of shrink are you?”
Dr. Giles chuckled. “Trust me a little bit, Buffy, that’s all I ask. Just trust me a little bit.”
“I don’t trust anyone.”
“Do you trust Spike?”
“He’s the only one.”
“So, when would you like to see him then?”
*********
January 12, 2006
I’m going to see Spike today. Giles said he’d call for me. I never in a million years thought he’d want me to see him. I thought I was doing a good thing by notseeing him. Quitting cold turkey and all that. Apparently, Giles thinks I’m doing worse for myself. So, is he planning to wean me then? God, I haven’t seen Spike since the day after Christmas. I’m afraid to see him and yet, I so desperately want to see him. What if I’m worse after I do, though I get the impression Giles thinks I’ll be better . . . that could just be me. Wishful thinking.
*********
Spike was early for his visitation with Buffy. Almost a half hour early.
“Spike, how’d I know you’d be here so early?” Dr. Giles joked when he entered the lobby where Spike was sitting, one leg bouncing up and down.
Spike grinned half-heartedly.
“Why don’t I take you down now? No reason for you to wait a full twenty minutes.”
Spike stood and followed him, feeling more and more anxious with every step. “Clean facility you got here. Very white.”
“Nervous, Spike?”
“Yes, I am. I don’t know how to …how to act.”
Dr. Giles stopped and turned to him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean she’s not happy. She’s here, which means she’s not happy and I don’t know how to be with her.”
“You don’t be any other way other than how you always are with her, Spike. What would you have said to her yesterday when you were here?”
“I wasn’t thinking anything beyond just holding her in my arms.”
Dr. Giles smiled, “Then do that if you feel so inclined.”
“She rejected seeing me yesterday.”
“Yes, that is true, she did. But today is different, isn’t it?”
“You’re not going to tell me a damn thing here, are you?” Spike asked, grinning slightly.
“Now you’re getting it,” Dr. Giles said, grinning back.
********
With his heart in his throat, Spike watched Dr. Giles push the door to what he assumed was Buffy’s room. The wooden door was more comforting than the white the facility seemed to endorse throughout. He wasn’t sure why it was better, just that it was.
Dr. Giles stepped aside and Spike pushed his way through. Buffy had been sitting on her bed and now she stood, staring at him. She was dressed in a t-shirt, yoga pants and she must have showered since her hair appeared slightly damp, and she wore no makeup.
He stared at her for a long minute, drinking her in. There were no marks on her, no sign that she’d been hurt in anyway. He met her green eyes, saw the fear and the need and he lurched forward. They met each other halfway. It was a repeat of Thanksgiving when they’d lunged at each other, clawing to get as close as humanly possible to one another.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Spike rasped, never again wanting to feel as desperate as he had since she’d refused to come home.
“I missed you too,” she whispered, crying and wetting his neck where she had her head buried.
“Baby, please don’t leave me…stay with me, okay? Stay with me.”
She said nothing.
“Come. Let’s sit and have a chat, hmm?”
She pulled back and nodded, wiping at her tears and Spike led her to the bed where he sat down and pulled her on his lap. The need to hold her, feel her, was great within him and he was not willing to relinquish any kind of hold on her.
“Tell me what happened, kitten. Tell me all about it.”