Chapter 35
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Buffy apologized again after breakfast. The both of them had eaten outside on the porch in silence. Spike had made toast for himself and shared a bit with Buffy when she’d finished her skimpy yogurt.
He studied her from the cushioned chair he was settled in. “I know you are.”
She nodded and turned from his gaze. “How come you never told me all of that?”
“What?”
She gave him a look. “About Angel and all that stuff you said last night.”
“Well, just like you, I didn’t know when a good time was. Besides, seemed kind of a moot point since you’d already broken up with him.”
Buffy heaved a deep breath, “I hadn’t realized how all that stuff affected you, Spike. I mean I didn’t know what you were going through.”
“How could you? I couldn’t tell you then, now could I?”
“No, I suppose not,” she murmured, looking down at her hands.
“So, maybe we’ve both made some mistakes in how we’ve handled the situation.”
“I didn’t know I was making you so crazy,” she said softly, looking up at him. “I wasn’t trying to.” Her bottom lip trembled and Spike felt like a git. The last thing he wanted was to make her cry. Shooting up from his chair, he was before her in an instant, kneeling at her feet. Reaching up, he cradled her face in his hands. “Don’t cry, luv, you don’t know what it does to me when you cry.”
“I can’t help it,” she said, letting the tears fall. “I spent a long time trying to not cry, and now it’s all I seem to do. I think my tear ducts were backed up or something. They’re making up for lost time.”
Spike chuckled softly and gazed at her searchingly. “Baby, why don’t you live with me, hmmm? Being with one another like this is how it all began.”
“Do you think I won’t want to be with you if I don’t live with you?”
He fell silent, just watching her. He hadn’t thought of it that way before, and now, it sort of made sense. Subconsciously perhaps he hadbeen thinking that.
“And you lived with my Mom for five years,” she continued, “Don’t you want to live alone for a while?”
“No, I don’t.”
She studied him carefully. “Why?”
He ignored the question. “What about you? You lived alone all this time. Do you really want to do that again?”
“Yes and no. Yes, because I know I’m not ready to live with you, Spike. It would be too couple-y, and that means some pressure–”
“I pressure you now?” Spike asked, irritated, and stood.
“No!” she stood and faced him, letting out an exaggerated and aggravated sigh. “You don’t pressure me, but the whole idea of living with you while trying to muddle through all this,” she waved her hand back and forth between them, “is just too much right now. Don’t you think it’s too much?”
“No, I don’t,” he muttered. “I love you, ergo; I want to be with you.”
“You are with me! Just because I don’t think we should live together, it doesn’t mean we aren’t together. Jesus!” Throwing up her arms, Buffy walked away from him to the other side of the porch and leaned against the railing, bottom against the wood rail. Crossing her arms across her chest, she stared at him. “This isn’t about me, Spike. You’re afraid to be alone.”
“Don’t turn this around on me!” he barked.
She bolted up straight. “I’m not going to yell. You want to talk, we’ll talk, but I’m not yelling!”
“You already are!”
Heaving a sigh, she turned her head for a minute and then looked back to him. “I’m stopping,” she said calmly.
“I’m not afraid to–” Punching a fist in the air he shook his head and turned from her. “Bloody hell. Fine, all right, I’m afraid to live alone.”
“Because you were with my mom for so long, right?”
He looked over his shoulder at her, “Yeah, that’s it. I lived with her, then you. I fell for you and the idea of being alone again…I mean, I survived all right while you were gone, but I was mostly going out of my bleedin’ mind.”
“It’s not going to be the same, Spike. It’s not like we’ll really be apart. I’ll come see you; you’ll come see me…”
“Then why don’t we just live together?”
“Because it’s not what we need to do. It won’t help us survive; it won’t get us through all the stuff we need to get through. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be difficult. And honestly, now that I know that you’re just afraid to be alone, I think you have to do it to prove to yourself that you can.”
“That goddamn journey you’ve been blathering on about?” Spike drawled, scratching the back of his head.
Buffy giggled. “Yeah. That goddamn journey. You’re not alone in being afraid,” she said softly, making her way over to him. Standing before him, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. “I’m afraid too.”
Winding his arms around her, Spike buried his face in her neck. “I never should have admitted I was afraid to be alone. That was a mistake.”
Buffy giggled. “You’re terrible.”
“Buffy, I know that you don’t always have to tell me stuff, but some things, I wish you would.”
“I know,” she looked up at him. “I know I’m internal. I keep things inside until I’m about ready to blow. I’m not used to sharing, Spike. It’s not going to be an overnight thing with me, and I’m guessing it’s not with you, either…?”
He smiled sheepishly. “No, it’s not. I was…I was trying to keep it together for you!”
“That’s sweet, but I told you before your feelings don’t cease to exist just because I’m . . . whatever I am.” Laughing nervously, she moved out of his arms. “I’m sorry that I made things so hard. I didn’t know what you were going through.”
Pulling her back against him and wrapping his arms around her, Spike whispered in her ear. “Stop, kitten, don’t beat yourself up here. We agreed we both made some mistakes, had some miscommunication and neither of us dealt with things well.
Spinning in his arm, she beseeched him, “Just like you want me to tell you, I need you to tell me. Cause last night was not fun and I don’t want us blowing up at each other like that.”
“I will try.”
“And so will I.”
Pressing his forehead to hers, he murmured. “I still don’t want to be without you.”
“You’re not,” she whispered. “You won’t be. I don’t love half-assed, Spike. At least, I don’t think I do. I’ve never really been in love before, never knew what it meant to be in love, how it felt…you’re my first. You’re mine and you’re going to stay mine.”
“Till the end of the world,” Spike told her huskily, shaking in her arms, just before devouring her lips with his.
********
Later, as Spike and Buffy were unpacking and cleaning a bit, Buffy flipped on the radio and immediately shouted for him. Coming into the bedroom to see what was so exciting, Spike found himself on the receiving end of a concert for one.
Turning to him with a giddy grin, Buffy pointed at him and sang along to the song on the radio.
“Listen, baby
Ain’t no mountain high
Ain’t no valley low
Ain’t no river wide enough, baby.
If you need me, call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I’ll be there in a hurry
You don’t have to worry.”
Spike rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the smile that bloomed on his face. Grabbing him, Buffy wrapped herself around him and swayed to the music with him as she sang.
“‘Cause baby,
There ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Remember the day
I set you free
I told you
You could always count on me
From that day on I made a vow
I’ll be there when you want me
Some way, some how.”
It was then that Spike welled up in tears. He hid them from her by burying his face in her neck as she finished out the song.
“‘Cause baby,
There ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
No wind, no rain
My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart
If you ever need a helping hand
I’ll be there on the double
As fast as I can
Don’t you know that
There ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Don’t you know that
There ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough…”
“Spike?” she prompted quietly once the song was over.
He shook in her arms and cried quietly.
“Baby…” she murmured, stroking his back. “I didn’t mean to make you cry! I was trying to make you feel better, let you now how I felt and that I’m still here no matter what…Spike…”
The next thing Buffy knew she was on her bed with Spike kissing her with incredible passion and fire; fire that threatened to engulf them both into flames. And when his hand crept under her shirt, and he cupped her breast in the palm of his hand, Buffy felt a stirring in her center at the same time abject fear took hold.
Oh boy, she thought.
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Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell