Chapter 39
Spike couldn’t breathe because, well, Buffy had pretty much just punched him in the gut with that declaration. “What?” he managed to get out through is lack of air, the question coming out in a gust of air.
“I saw that they were hiring while I was sitting on a bench across the street and I figured why not? I mean, I’d always wanted to do something like that and—“
“You’re leaving me?”
She stared at him with a completely befuddled look. “I’m not leaving you. I’m just going to work someplace else. Right around the corner in fact.” Smiling brightly, she wound her arms around his very tense body. “I can come see you anytime I need my Spike fix.”
Threading his fingers through her hair, he brought her face up to his. “And what if I need my Buffy fix?”
“Then you come see me. See? It’s simple!”
“Maybe you could still come here every now and then and work with me?”
“It’s a full time position, Spike, so I don’t think–”
“You have no experience in flowers, how did you get it?”
Buffy frowned and pulled back from his arms. “Gee, thanks.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it,” he said sternly. “I just meant that most shops require experience and knowledge in flowers.”
“Well, Willow said she’d be willing to teach me. It’s her shop; she’s not going to be leaving me alone to answer questions I don’t have the answers to. I know that I’m going to be helping her get her shop online as job one. And hey, if she wants me to learn more, she could always send me to class. Isn’t that a tax write off for her or something?”
“I don’t know. You get nauseous when you smell perfume, how are you going to work with flowers all day?”
“They don’t bother me,” she said tightly. “Look, I realize you didn’t want me to go, but I think it’s a good thing here. I mean, I live in my mother’s house, I date her husband, I work in her gallery – I need something of mine.”
“Not sure how I feel about being lumped into all that, Buffy. I’m not just your mother’s husband; don’t know if I wish to be categorized as such.”
“I know you’re not just my mother’s husband, you’re right, that did sound bad, but…I just feel like ever since she died, I’ve been trying to hold onto a piece of her and I lost myself somewhere in there by doing that.”
“Do you…do you lose yourself with me?” Cause I lose myself with you, kitten, and I’m not seeing how it’s a wholly bad thing.
She flashed him a beaming smile that made his heart skip a beat and turned him into a puddle of mush in no time flat. “Only in the best possible way!” and she threw herself in his arms. “How about I come and help when you have an opening? How’s that sound?”
He nodded slowly. “Sure.” His throat clogged with emotion that he was trying desperately to suppress and he held her tighter to him. “Don’t leave me, kitten, ever, okay?”
“I’m not leaving you, Spike. I’m not. I won’t.”
“You can’t? You can’t because you need me too?”
“That’s right. I can’t because I need you too.” Looking up at him, she smoothed one hand down the side of his face. “Don’t look sad, Spike. This is a good thing. Please, don’t be sad. What can I do to make you not sad?”
Pressing his lips fervently against hers and pushing his pelvis against her, letting her feel his hardening member, he whispered, “Let me make love to you. Let me touch you and love you. I want to be inside you, kitten. Want to worship you, make you wet for me–”
She pushed from him, “Spike, stop! We’re at work, Richard’s in the next room, this is not the time to – and we already talked about this!”
What the fuck is wrong with me? he scolded himself, hanging his head. “I know, you’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Are you okay? You’re not yourself.”
“I’m fine, kitten. Just having a hard time myself getting back into the swing of things.”
“Okay, well, I suppose we should get back to work then?”
“Yeah, let’s get back to work, luv.” Get a hold of yourself you stupid git! You’re scarin’ her. With that sobering thought, Spike kept his hands to himself for the rest of the day.
********
Later that evening, the couple was on the porch having some dinner and discussing work when a female voice rang out, “Hello! Anyone here?”
Spike stood immediately, “Fred, we’re out here!”
“She just walks in our house?” Buffy asked, brow rising.
“Well, she probably tried the doorbell—Hey, Fred! How are you?” And he got up to give the woman a hug.
“I figured I’d swing by and see if you were home yet, I hope I’m not intruding,” Fred apologized and Buffy rolled her eyes. She knew the woman was only a friend and all that, but she still couldn’t help the jealousy that rose within her. Fred had been marked as something else for a while and though things were different now, and Fred, from what Buffy had gathered from talking to Spike, didn’t want anything with him, Buffy still couldn’t help the lingering jealousy she felt where the brunette was concerned.
“Hi, Buffy, how are you?” Fred asked.
Buffy turned finally to look at her. “I’m well, thanks.”
“Have you eaten? We have plenty if you’re hungry,” Spike offered, ever the gentleman.
“No, no, I just came from a dinner out with a colleague of mine. Really, I just stopped in to see if you were back yet. I hadn’t heard from you in a while and was concerned.”
All right, so what exactly has he told her? Buffy wondered.
“We’re good. Things are going smoothly, right, Buffy?”
Buffy nodded slowly, “Yup. Smooth.” If you don’t count you’re being up my ass and being all weird today as smooth. Oh yes, and if you don’t count my inability to consummate my relationship with my boyfriend because I think of my mother, and if you also don’t count the fact that I hid my relationship with Spike today, then yeah, things are peachy keen in the Land of Denial.
Feeling very suddenly very much that she needed to step away, Buffy got up and grabbed her plate. “I think I’m gonna for a walk, let you two catch up.”
“Buffy, you don’t have to–” Spike started.
“Nah, I feel the need to move. Get some exercise. Nice seeing you again, Fred.” Walking into the house and after placing her dishes in the sink, Buffy started for the door when a hand clasped around her wrist.
“Buffy, luv, you all right?”
“Spike I’m fine. Just want to be alone for a few, all right?” Kissing him quickly she promised, “I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”
“Buffy, I love you,” he called after her as she finally made it to the door.
“I love you too!”
********
“So, you want to tell me how you really are?” Fred said as soon as Spike joined her back on the porch.
Wiping a hand across his brow, he shook his head. “What do you mean?”
“You’re tense. For that matter so is Buffy. What’s going on?”
“It’s just been a trying day, that’s all,” Spike said on a sigh as sat back down in his chair. “She’s leaving me.”
“What do you mean?” Fred asked, concerned, and sat down in the chair Buffy had been in.
“She’s gotten a new job, Fred. She wants to move out. She’s leaving me.”
“Spike, just because she’s gotten a new job and is moving out does not mean she’s leaving you.”
“It sure as hell feels like it!” Spike exclaimed jumping up. “Look, with all due respect, Fred, you don’t know Buffy and you don’t know our relationship. You don’t know the crap we’ve been going through–”
“I do know what you’ve been going through. I was the one you called to talk to, remember?”
“You’re not in this relationship with us, you don’t know her. Not like I do. You don’t see what I see, you don’t feel what I feel, and I feel her pulling from me.”
“I feel that she will pull away from you if you don’t give her some breathing room,” Fred said quietly.
“I’ve done nothing but let her breathe! I let her breathe all the way to Hawaii and Boston. I let her breathe in a mental health facility — I’ve done nothing but let her breathe.”
“Spike, you need to calm down. You’re not thinking clearly here. You’re misinterpreting her actions here–”
“Fred,” Spike began frankly, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you should leave.”
“What?” she looked up at him, stunned.
“I think you should go right now, I’m sorry.”
“Spike–”
“You can see yourself out, right?” Spike said, not even bothering to look at her as he headed in the house and up to his room.
“Oh, it’s going to get worse before it gets better,” Fred muttered as she let herself out, thinking she was going to give it a few days and perhaps contact Buffy next time instead of Spike.
********
By the time Buffy returned from her walk, she was exhausted. It had been full day. Letting herself in the house, she promptly yawned. “Spike?” she called out.
Straining to hear, she made out the sound of a shower running. Yawning again as she trudged up the stairs, Buffy entered her bedroom and quickly changed into her pajama’s and washed her face. Crawling into bed, she flicked on her TV and nestled under the covers, feeling her eyelids begin to drop already.
“Luv?”
Eyes closed, Buffy hummed and turned over, finding herself engulfed in a pair of strong arms. “Mmmm…Spike,” she murmured, keeping her eyes closed. She must have dozed off for a bit, the TV was on still, but on low. With her eyes closed, she could see the flashes of light from it.
“You smell good,” she said sleepily, burrowing closer to him.
“How was your walk?”
“Good. How was Fred?”
“All right.”
“Remind me tomorrow to ask you more about that.”
Spike chuckled softly, “All right…Buffy?”
“Hmmm?”
“Do you want me to sleep in here with you?”
“Sure, yes, I’d like that.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“How much, tell me how much,” he whispered, his lips grazing her forehead.
“I love you from the depths of the ocean to the height of the sun.” Finally, she popped her eyes open and looked up at him. “How much do you love me?”
He smiled tenderly. “I love you to infinity and beyond.”
“Awww, thanks Buzz Lightyear.”
Spike laughed and nuzzled her lips with his. “I love you more than I could ever put into words, Buffy. You’re my entire world.”
Wrapping an arm around him, Buffy shut her eyes once more. “Sleep now, Spikey, okay?”
“Okay, luv.”
Buffy fell asleep peacefully, unaware of the fears raging inside of Spike who held all the pretense of a man keeping himself together.