Chapter 33
“I just love old movies, don’t you?” Buffy said wistfully, burrowing under the covers with Spike. They lay side by side facing one another, hands entwined between them.
Spike shrugged, “They’re all right, I guess.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, “Mostly chick flicks, right?”
Spike grinned, “Yeah. But some of them aren’t bad.”
“But Gene Kelly and Judy Garland singing and dancing is not your thing, right?”
“Not really.”
“You know what I love about old movies?”
“Tell me,” he urged.
“How simple things seemed then. How easy and romantic. I mean, these days getting a good romantic comedy that isn’t filled with sex and some form of cheating is a rarity. They’re hard to come by. But back then, it was wholesome and pure; they made you really believe that those things could happen.”
Spike kissed the back of her hand, “They can happen, love. They have, don’t you think?”
Buffy smiled. “Yeah. We’re more like ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ though.”
Spike laughed and tugged her closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I love you.”
Snuggling into him, Buffy murmured, “I love you, too.” She looked up at him inquiringly, “Could I get a real kiss now instead of just these pecks cause–”
His mouth covered hers in an instant and Buffy melted into it, into him. This was perfect. This was what she wanted right now, just this. No stress, no worries, no fears and no guilt. She also didn’t want the looming question of “When will we do it?” She just wanted to spend some time with him, love him, and not worry about all that other stuff. That stuff only complicated things, made things layered and more difficult. But kisses and hugs and affectionate phrases and handholding –that’s what she wanted. The simple things – that’s what she needed.
Spike was the first one to break away, panting into her neck. She could feel his erection against her stomach and decided that while it excited her, she wasn’t ready to do anything about it, so she kept quiet.
“Tired, love?” he asked after a minute, pulling slightly away from her.
She nodded, “I am, it’s been a long day.”
“How about we get some sleep, okay? Tomorrow is another big day.”
Yawning on cue, Buffy nodded, “Okay.”
Rolling slightly, Spike flicked off the light and snuggled back under the covers facing her. She smiled shyly at him and propped her head on his chest. “I love you, Spike,” she whispered.
“I love you, too,” he whispered back, wrapping an arm around her.
Shutting her eyes, Buffy prayed that being back in Sunnydale, and that being back in her mother’s house, would go well the following day. Just the thought of it filled her with uneasiness and she wasn’t quite sure yet how to broach that topic with Spike.
********
The plane ride was exhausting and all Spike wanted to do was get home and get an exhausted Buffy in bed. She was more than a little grumpy – observed by the few times she’d snapped at him or made a sarcastic comment.
He did make a mental note however; that her mood had started to shift the closer they got to California. And now, in a cab on their way to the house, she was downright sullen, staring out the window, having barely said a word to him.
“Buffy.”
“What?”
“You all right?”
“Yup.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Whatever.”
“Buffy.”
“What”
“What is it?”
“Nothing.”
At that point, he’d had enough too and sat back with disgruntled sigh. “Fine.” If she wasn’t willing to talk, there was nothing he could do to force her. She could be a downright stubborn bint when she wanted to be and now was no exception.
Once they’d arrived home, she was out of the cab in a flash and heading toward the house as if she had something that just couldn’t wait to do inside.
Quickly paying the fare, Spike went after her, carrying his things inside with some difficulty. He found her standing in the living room, quietly, just staring off into space.
He said nothing, but merely watched her as she moved from the living room, to the study, to the kitchen and the dining room and then finally up the stairs, all the while following her, but quietly, not trying to draw attention to it.
Finally, she stood in the doorway of his bedroom, staring inside the room.
“I was afraid to come back here,” she said finally. “Before, when I left, things were felt, but not said and out in the open. Now they are, and it feels different here.” She turned to look at him. “I can’t share your bed.”
“Wh-what are you saying?”
She turned, facing him. “It might seem as though I’m running away, but I’m not, I’m really not. Giles said it was me wanting a fresh start and I really want to go with that. I can’t be here, Spike. I can’t be here with you. I need to leave this place. I feel her here now more than I did before and it’s not…okay, maybe it is partly due to guilt, but mostly, it’s just everything that this place represents for me now. This was where I grew up. This was where I had a loving father. This was also where they split and I then I split, and I don’t want to think of it as my being weak, being unable to live here, but I simply can’t. If I’m going to move on, then I need to put it all to rest.” Swallowing hard, she shook her head and rubbed her temples. “I know I’ve been an awful traveling companion, but the closer we got, the more afraid I became. I mean – who wants to leave their home, right? But I have to.”
Tears were starting to fall and Spike wanted to go to her, but also wanted to give her a chance to get what she needed to get out, out.
“The closer we got, the more I started to think of this house and what it means to me. Rather, what it meant to me then and what it means to me now. Once upon a time in this house, I was a little girl with a family. It’s not the case anymore though. Now it’s a place where I was happy once upon a time, but then I lost my father, and my mother, and now all I feel and see is reminders of it.” She broke off, brushing tears away. “Good days and bad days, Giles said I’d have them. I’m sorry, Spike.”
That was all it took for Spike to lunge at her and gather her in his arms. “Don’t be sorry,” he whispered. “I get it, I understand.”
“Do you?”
“I was thinking I had to leave too.”
She pulled back, “You were?”
“It didn’t seem right to stay here. Felt wrong somehow. Just seemed here, there was too much between us. I want a fresh start too, Buffy. I want to be in a place where we can start new.”
“Spike, do you think it’s wise that we move in together?”
He froze. “You—you don’t want to live with me?”
“I – I had planned on moving out, but I—I hadn’t planned on doing it with you. I mean I didn’t know that you were planning–”
“You already knew you were going to move out?” he asked quietly.
“Well, I’d talked about it with Giles. I was going to tell you–”
“When?”
“When it was the right time.”
“Anytime would have been a good time, Buffy.”
“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings!”
“Well you already did anyway!”
“I thought you’d understand,” she said looking down.
“I—” Growling, he threw his arms up. “I’m tired of being fucking understanding! I don’t want to be understanding here. You fucking took off to Hawaii with that goddamn ponce, then you don’t come home but you leave for Boston and end up in a fucking mental hospital and I’ve been understanding. I’ve been what you needed me to be, but you know what? I need something here too and telling me you’re leaving me is not it!”
“Well, finally, the truth comes out,” Buffy said, crossing her arms across her chest. “Maybe I should push your buttons more often, maybe that’s the only way I can get a little honesty out of you.”
“I have been nothing but honest with you,” Spike said through clenched teeth.
“You know I don’t want the sugar coated version. If you’re going to give it to me, give it to me raw. It’s obviously what you’ve been really thinking. I’m so fucking sorry that losing my fucking mind inconvenienced you, I’ll make sure to time it so that it doesn’t coincide with your schedule!”
“That’s not how I meant it!”
“So, what? I’m supposed to move in with you because I dated Angel? Because I didn’t come home right away? I thought you were off fucking Fred all that time, did you know that? Did you know that I was trying to get a handle on my feelings for you because I didn’t want to have them? That I thought I was sick and I thought you’d think I was too? So Fuck you!”
Storming off, Buffy made it to her bedroom door before Spike grabbed her arm and hurled her to face him. “You think you were alone in thinking you were sick for loving me? I thought I was sick for loving you! I thought it was wrong – do you know the guilt I’ve had? Do you know how I felt I should have been locked up too? And how the bloody hell did you think I felt knowing you were fucking Angel?”
“Let go of me!” She shouted back and yanked her arm back. Stomping into her room, she slammed her door shut and locked it.
“Buffy, luv, let me in.” Just like that, he sounded calm. She was ready to spit nails still and he was calm – how the freaking hell did thathappen?
“No!” she retaliated forcefully.
“Buffy, please, luv, just let me in and we can talk. Look, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I yelled at you like that.”
“Just go away, Spike, please,” she said, fighting off tears. Fumbling in her purse that she still had on, she dug for Giles’ number and her phone.
“Buffy, please,” he was begging now and she just couldn’t take it. Heading for her closet, Buffy opened it, stepped inside, turned the light on overhead and sat down on the floor and dialed her trusty therapist.