Chapter 51
“So, let me get this straight,” Lorne began after Buffy had relayed the events of the past week to him, “Spike beat Angel up and now he’s shacking up with you for the time being?”
Buffy nodded, staring at her kind and helpful therapist, thinking she was about to hear something that wasn’t so kind, but might be helpful eventually. Instant Gratification Girl wanted helpful now, not helpful later.
“Buffy, I gotta tell you, while I understand why you took him in like that, I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue with.”
Buffy felt crestfallen, even though she knew he was going to say it. “But, Lorne, he was a mess.”
“I get that, I understand it, but him living with you is defeating the whole process here. The goal is to stand on your own two feet, it was what you wanted to do when you came in here, right?”
“Right,” she answered softly and slowly.
“And we’d discussed how Spike was too dependent on you and quite possessive, right?”
“Right.”
“Well, Buffy, I hate to say it, but him essentially living with you now is not helping the matter. It’s just prolonging it.”
“Lorne, the man was wrecked. He beat Angel to a bloody fucking pulp. He didn’t even realize how bad he’d done it until after the fact – what was I supposed to do? Say ‘Well, that blows, but suck it up and I’ll catch you later’? You forget that I love this man.”
“No, Buffy, I didn’t expect you to say that to him, in fact I think you handled it well, but now the time has clearly past for him to be there. In his mind, he thinks you’re living together now.”
“It’s only been a week,” Buffy mumbled. “Okay, so he asked me to pick up milk for us this morning, and he hasn’t been home to listen to the messages, but…why did I just share that?”
“Maybe because it’s bothering you and you don’t want to admit it.”
“I hate you,” she pouted.
Lorne smiled gently, his kind, warm brown eyes crinkling in the corner. “I know you do, cupcake. Just like you hated Giles, right?”
“Yes,” she said petulantly. “All right, so it’s going on two weeks and it is like we’re living together and sometimes I feel …smothered, but you know what? I’m just as guilty of it.”
“I know, which is why I’m encouraging you to have him go home now. He’s hiding and so are you. Both of you hide in one another.”
“Sometimes I don’t know where he ends and I begin,” Buffy admitted.
“Did you have a better sense of that when you were living alone?”
“Sometimes. I spent most of my time worrying about how he was doing and if he was upset with me.”
“You said he’s agreed to see someone. Has he made the call?”
“No.”
“How about I set up the appointment?” Lorne offered. “I have a fabulous doctor he could see right in this very building, though I will have to insist on separate times for the both of you.”
“Lorne…”
“Buffy, he needs to do this not only for himself, but for you as well.”
“I know, I just don’t like to push him so much, he gets all testy.”
“Of course he gets testy, he doesn’t want to go.”
“We had sex,” Buffy blurted out, wanting to change the subject to anything else at that point. Instantly, she turned flaming red.
“Oh,” Lorne said smoothly, not missing a bit, “How do you feel about that?”
“I cried. I thought about my mom and compared myself to her the entire time. Kept having visuals of them doing it and…” she shuddered. “He’s trying to make it better, he is. And when he assures me only a half million times, I don’t think about it. Until later of course. So, when am I going to be over that?”
“Buffy, there’s no timetable on this sort of thing. It’s normal for you to think of your mother during sexual activity with Spike. He was her husband, and even though you weren’t around to see them, you know they didn’t like a nun and a monk.”
Buffy wrinkled her nose. “Are you trying to help here?”
“I am, believe it or not, by putting to rest your fears that you are somehow abnormal for feeling and thinking as you do. The silver lining is that when you feel more secure with Spike and your relationship with him, you will be able to move past it. Right now, things are still haywire and all over the place, and when things become precarious between you two, both of you lean on one another that much more thereby making things more unstable and precarious.”
“So, what you’re saying is, I need to get him to go back to the house and he needs to talk to someone?”
“In a roundabout way, yes. Buffy, I’m not telling you this to be a hard ass here. I’m telling you this because I see the co-dependency you have for one another and relationships like that are not healthy. I want to help you and Spike to have a strong relationship and last. From what Giles told me about the two of you, he thought you were great for one another, and I have no doubt of that, but right now you’re both holding one another back, not thriving.”
“I want to thrive, but I don’t want to hurt him,” Buffy nearly whimpered.
“Just as you need reassurance from him that he loves you, he’s going to need reassurance as well, but it is not your job to put him back together. You can help, but you can’t do it for him.”
“Why do I have to be the heavy?”
“Because right now, you’re the only one he listens to.”
If that, Buffy thought dryly.
********
Coming home from her session that night, Buffy felt charged. She felt ready to tell Spike that perhaps he should consider going home and at least checking his messages, hoping that would be all she needed to say to have him get the hint. If not, then she’d resort to telling him that if her landlord found out she had someone with her 24/7, he’d start charging her more rent.
So, okay, maybe she wasn’t as charged as she should be.
Entering her apartment, the scent of food hit her and her mouth watered. She’d sure miss having him cook, that was for sure.
“Honey, I’m home!” she called out as she entered, dropping her purse by the door.
Spike came bounding out of the bedroom, grinning. He’d apparently just showered since his hair was wet and he was in his sweats. He looked so adorable and happy to see her that for a minute she considered not saying a thing and just lying to Lorne.
That won’t solve a thing.
“Hey, kitten, how was your session?”
“Good, it was good,” she nodded and met him halfway, wrapping her arms around him. “He offered to set up an appointment with you.”
“Oh?” he said, noncommittal.
“Yup, with someone in his office. I said you’d call…”
“Did you now?’
“Yup…cause you will…right?”
Pulling out of her arms, Spike nodded toward the kitchen. “I made dinner. Put a chicken in with some vegetables.”
“Spike,” she sighed, “You promised.”
“Buffy, I know I did, I’m just going at my own pace here.”
“That’s a load of crap and you know it. You just keep putting it off hoping that I won’t keep reminding you and ‘forget’ about it. Well, guess what? I’m about to turn into a nag.”
Sighing heavily, he waved his hand at her. “All right, all right.”
“I mean it, Spike. If you don’t, I’m calling Lorne and having him make the appointment. And then I will drag you in if I have to. I don’t want to be a pain in the ass–”
“It’s your bloody calling isn’t it?” he snapped.
Buffy rounded on him, glaring. “Oh, hell no. Do I need to remind you how I have been there for you every time you’ve fallen apart in the past few weeks?”
“Buffy, you don’t need to make it sound like that. I’m not ‘falling apart’.”
“Yeah, because you’re technically living with me. We’ve been over this.”
He stared at her.
“I think it’s time you went home, Spike. You’re avoiding, and for that matter, so am I.”
“You’re kicking me out?”
“You actually don’t live here, I do. I let you stay here because you needed someone there–”
“You, Buffy, I needed you there.”
“And I’ve been here. But now it’s like you’re moving in. That was not the intent behind asking you to come here. I–” She never got to finish because Spike stormed off, heading toward the bedroom.
From the sound of it, he was packing. Coming into her bedroom, Buffy watched him hastily pack his things, dutifully ignoring her.
“Spike, its not that I don’t like having you here, but you can’t hide here from your problems. They’re still there,” she said calmly, trying to reason with him. It seemed every time a serious conversation happened, tempers flared much too easily. It was tiresome.
“Well me and my problems will be out of your hair in a minute,” he snapped and tied up his shoes.
“Spike, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, but this isn’t healthy for us–”
“Tell me why I want to see a shrink when they obviously fill your head with all this crap, huh?” he demanded, jumping up from the bed.
“It’s not crap and you know it, and if you’re going to stand there and make me feel like a piece of shit because I happen to need to see someone and actually do benefit from it, then you can see yourself out.”
Without a word, he grabbed his things and stormed out of the bedroom, and then out of her apartment.
Buffy stood there, contemplating going after him to work it out. She made a step toward the door and then stopped herself. She shook her head. “No. It’s not going to help. It’s not going to do anything; we’ll just end up where we we’ve been again. He wants to be mad, then fine. Maybe he just needs to be mad instead of me running after him all the time.”
With her legs shaking, Buffy sat down on the bed and listed once more the reasons why she should not go after him until she was pretty sure that he was long gone by then anyway.