Chapter 46
It was painful to know the exact origin of where someone’s mind was at and not be able to do anything about it. Her fear of abandonment had caused her to shove people away so that she could leave first, and wouldn’t be ratted out as ‘clingy’. Spike’s fear of abandonment had him holding tighter and tighter still. Behavior like that would make some run, and behavior like that had made her run, but no more. She loved this man, her Spike, more than she’d ever loved anyone or anything and the notion of abandoning him when he needed her – or justsomeone the most, was inconceivable to her. It was a veritable hell to be trapped in one’s own mind and feel that no one was there to reach out to and understand, or at least show the pretense of it. Understanding was key, empathy was imperative, listening and patience was a must. Buffy knew all too well, and for that alone, she could not and would not leave him to bear it alone.
“Spike,” she began gently as she drove to the house, “Do you want to come and stay with me for a few days at my place? Maybe a change of scenery would be good.”
He nodded, staring out the window, his hands in his lap.
“I’ll help you pack some stuff, all right? Do you want me to call Richard and tell him you’ll be out for a few days?”
“I can’t abandon my responsibilities, Buffy,” he said quietly, and slightly annoyed.
“Then we’ll play it by ear. Spike, you have to take care of yourself first.”
“I don’t know how,” he said honestly with a touch of despondency.
“I’m not that great at it either, but I’ve learned a few things about it so perhaps I could teach you some new tactics and maybe we could learn a few together.”
‘How is it that I suddenly feel like a child?”
“Am I making you feel like one?” Great, now you’re the one doing the smothering. Brilliant.
“Well, kind of, yeah.”
“I don’t mean to.”
“I know you don’t. Buffy, I just…I just need…I don’t know what I need. I feel like I can’t shut off my brain.”
“You know what helps with that?”
“What?”
“Sleep.”
Spike smiled gently. “Does it now?”
“Yup,” Buffy said, nodding.
“What if I can’t shut my mind off long enough to sleep?”
“Then I’ll tell you a story so inane you’ll have no choice but to nod off.”
Spike laughed, “Like what?”
“Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”
Grinning, Spike fingered one of her locks. “Well, you are my Goldilocks.”
Taking his hand, Buffy squeezed it. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“And it’s going to be okay. I promise.”
Sighing, Spike stared out the window once more. “Yeah, it’s gonna be okay.” He didn’t sound convinced.
********
When they arrived at her apartment, he seemed disoriented and unsure, so she swept him off to the bedroom where she helped him put his clothes away and then set up his toothbrush in her bathroom.
“See? Like a second home,” she grinned.
Nodding mutely, he made his way to her bedroom and sat down. Holding up a hand, he stared at scraped up knuckles. “That’s from his face,” he murmured.
Sitting down next to him, Buffy took his hand in hers so he wouldn’t look at it and rested his head on her shoulder. “Try not to think about it.”
“I just—I just snapped.”
“I know.”
“What makes a person snap like that, Buffy?”
“Stress.”
“That can’t just be stress. I can do fucking aromatherapy and all that holistic shit for stress, that was more than stress.”
“It was months, possibly years of things pent up inside you that just snapped. Hey, at least it wasn’t crying, right? I know how you’re not a fan of that.”
He chuckled weakly and moved to lie down on the bed. “He’s gonna do something about that, isn’t he?”
“What do you mean?” Buffy asked, lying down next to him, spooning up against his back.
“You know what I mean, Buffy. You don’t have to sugar coat everything for me.”
“I’m going to take care of it,” she said resolutely.
“How?”
“Not sure yet, but I will. I can be quite evil when I want to be, you know.”
“Tell me again why you dated him?”
“I was smarter than him, he found me fascinating. Through him, I found myself fascinating.”
“You didn’t have to go far for that. I was right there.”
“You find me fascinating?”
“How can I not?” he murmured and turned to face her. He smiled. “I love you.”
“And I you, which is why I’m going to take care of it.”
Yawning, Spike nodded. “Yeah, we’ll discuss that later.”
“Sleep now. Rest,” she murmured and flicked some curls from his forehead, trailing her hand down his face in a comforting manner.
He nodded and shut his eyes while Buffy pulled the covers up around them and soon gave into sleep herself.
********
“Hey Fred,” Buffy said a couple hours later while Spike still slept. She’d woken up and though she was all as snug as a bug in a rug with Spike in her bed, the events of earlier had filtered in and disrupted her rest. It was time for damage control, and the person she figured she could start with was his cousin and Spike’s friend.
“Hey, Buffy, how are you?”
“Um, well, I need your help,” Buffy said smoothly, biting her lip and pacing in her living room, trying to be as quiet as possible.
“Sure, what is it?”
“You haven’t heard from Angel today by any chance, have you?”
“No,” Fred answered slowly. “Should I have?”
“Well, no, not necessarily, but um, there was an incident today…” Buffy launched into the morning fiasco with Angel and when Fred made not a peep on the other end, Buffy had to ask of she was still there.
“Oh my God,” Fred whispered finally.
“Yeah, suffice it to say he’s agreed to see someone. But, he’s worried and I’m worried about what Angel will do. Spike …he nearly broke him and I’m just concerned now–”
“I’ll talk to him,” Fred said quickly. “Not to condone what Spike did, because I am against violence in any manner like that, but Angel was way out of line.”
“Yeah, pretty much. I’m not sure how this is going to send him spinning, but I don’t want him to have to worry about that on top of everything else.”
“I understand, and I feel the same way. I will talk with Angel. Sometimes family has a way of working magic.”
“That’s what I’m counting on.”
“How are you holding up?”
“Oh, I’m all right,” Buffy said hesitantly, sitting down on her couch, and effectively stopping her pacing.
“That didn’t sound convincing.”
“How I’m doing all depends on how he’s doing, I guess. He’s sleeping right now, so I’m good. We’ll see how it goes when he wakes up.” She laughed nervously. “Does that sound awful?”
“No, it sounds about right. It’s when you start to feel overwhelmed that I worry.”
“I think I’m too focused to be overwhelmed if that makes any sense.”
“It does. Just remember that to effectively help him, you need to be taking care of yourself as well.”
“I know–”
“Buffy?” Spike called from the bedroom.
“The prince awakes. I gotta go, Fred.”
“All right. I’ll call you when I’ve spoken with Angel.”
“Thanks, Fred.”
“You’re welcome. Do you need me to make a list of referrals for Spike?”
“No, I think I got that one covered, but thanks. Bye, Fred.”
“Bye Buffy.”
Switching off her phone, Buffy put on a smile and nearly bounced into the bedroom, finding Spike sitting up, frowning slightly.
“Hey, how was your nap?”
He looked up at her, “Buffy, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Does it bother you knowing that I slept with your mother?”