Chapter 29
“Can I talk with you?” Spike asked Dr. Giles nervously, his feet shuffling in anticipation.
Dr. Giles peered at him over his glasses, “Of course. Why don’t you come into my office? Are you seeing Buffy today?”
“Yeah, I am. I wanted to talk to you before I did that though.”
Nodding, Dr. Giles led him into his office and gestured for him to sit down. Spike decided instead to pace. Rubbing the back of his neck, he glanced over at the good doc, waiting patiently in his chair for him to start talking.
“Am I making her worse?” Spike blurted out, stopping his pacing finally, his hand still on the back of his neck.
“You think you’re making her worse?”
Throwing his hands up in the air, Spike growled. “Don’t do that bit where you answer my questions with a question!”
“Forgive me, but that question most certainly confused me.”
“It did?”
“Yes. I don’t think you make her worse, Spike. I think you are what she needs. You make it better.”
Relief flooded Spike and he now sat, sinking into the chair with a sigh. “I do?”
“You do.”
“I’m just…” he shook his head. “I feel lost here, Dr. Giles,” and then the tears came. “I don’t know what to do for her. All I do is talk with her and tell her I love her, and I don’t know if that’s what she needs.”
“Spike, I am going to tell you what I told Buffy. Part of my job is to lead her to the things that are good for her, and lead her away from the things that are bad. If I thought that you were bad for her, I would not give you permission to see her. I run a tight ship with my patients and their care is number one priority.”
“Good,” Spike said nodding, “Good. I’m glad. I want her to have the best care. I want her,” he broke off, trying to reign in his emotions. “I want her to be well. I just feel like maybe my own feelings of guilt are evident and it causes her to hesitate.”
“You loved your wife, yes?”
“I did. Not …not the way I love Buffy though.”
“And that causes you guilt?”
“Yes. I reckon there would be a level of guilt attached if I took up with any woman after my wife died, but the fact that it’s her daughter…”
“Have you considered telling Buffy that you love her differently? It might help both of you if you did.”
“It would help her?” Spike asked, eagerly.
“And you,” Dr. Giles. “Words, as Buffy has learned, carry power. With that power is knowledge. Tell me, do you keep a journal?”
“I do.”
“Then you know that when you tell your journal something locked inside of you, it give you a sense of freedom, right?”
“Right.”
“Tenfold when the words are spoken. I’m not suggesting that every thought should be spoken to give it wings and land where it may, but I am suggesting that sometimes there are words we keep inside that need to be spoken. In this case, I think those words need to be told to Buffy.”
Spike nodded slowly, imbibing what Dr. Giles was telling him and wondering if he would ever be able to tell her all that was in his heart, all that was his own journey he’d been on since Joyce’s passing.
“She is a wonderful girl, isn’t she?” Dr. Giles prompted.
Spike smiled immediately. “She is. Though she doesn’t realize it a lot of the time. She talks a good game.”
Dr. Giles chuckled. “Yes, she does. Are you meeting with her now?” he asked, looking up at the clock on the wall.
“I am.”
“Warm in that jacket? Buffy’s taken to spending some time outside.”
“Ever since that balloon exercise?” Spike’s eyes widened. “Shit, was I not supposed to let on that I knew about that?”
Dr. Giles chuckled. “It’s quite all right. While I don’t necessarily always encourage the patient to discuss their sessions with another, sometimes it helps and I understand that. In this case, I do find it helpful for her and you.”
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Spike asked, grinning slightly.
Dr. Giles smiled, “No, Spike. I think you’re a man in love who wants the best for the woman he’s fallen for.”
“Yes,” Spike said, nodding adamantly. “That’s exactly it.”
“And I also think that with time, patience and communication, both of you will heal together. We’re human after all, and we do need others, whether we want to or not.”
Standing, Spike announced, “Well, if you’ll excuse me doc, I have a girl to see about.”
Dr. Giles chuckled. “Yes, and she rather can be an impatient sort, can’t she?”
Spike grinned goofily. “That she can be. Thank you, Dr. Giles.”
“The pleasure was all mine.”
********
Spike smiled fondly at Buffy when he saw her all bundled up in her coat, scarf, gloves and hat. “Well, hello Nanook of the North.”
Buffy giggled and then frowned. Touching his jacket, she looked up at him, “You gonna be warm in that? I want to go outside.”
He shrugged, “I’ll survive.”
“Spike, you really need to get something warm if you’re going to be staying here. It’s the dead of winter!” she admonished him as she led him to the door and down the hallway.
“I’ll be fine, kitten.”
Slinging her arm through his, she leaned into him slightly. “How are you?”
He felt on top of the world at the moment, that’s how he was. Buffy was by his side and she had initiated contact by putting her arm through his. Bending his arm slightly, he put his hand over hers. “I’m well. How about you?”
She nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“Buffy,” he said slowly, and nudged her with his hip.
Stepping outside, after having gained clearance from the nurse on duty, Buffy and Spike made their way out into the frigid air.
“Let’s walk around so you’ll keep warm,” Buffy suggested and started out on the concrete path that made a big rectangular loop in a quad like area smack dab in the middle of the facility.
“Are you avoiding the question?” Spike prodded after a few moments of silence.
“No… maybe. Just a lot on my mind. Go fig. I’m in a mental facility and I’ve got a lot on my mind,” and she started to laugh.
“I hate it when you do that,” Spike grumbled and stopped their jaunt, turning toward her.
“Do what?”
“Make those glib jokes.”
“Spike, it’s how I deal with it. If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry.”
“Maybe by laughing when you should be crying, you’re making things worse.”
“What’s wrong with you? You’re all,” she waved a hand in front of him as if assessing him, “tense.”
Running a hand through his hair, Spike let out a frustrated sigh and then threw up his arms off her questioning look. “I don’t know how to be!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t know how to be with you. I mean…here I am with all these feelings and here you are…here, and I don’t know how to act. I don’t know if I make things hard for you or easy or anything and—”
Pressing a finger to his lips, Buffy stopped his rant. “Just be you, Spike,” she whispered. “Just be you. That’s what I need you to be.”
Taking her finger from his lips, Spike swooped in and crashed his lips to hers. He felt a rush of tears come at the knowledge that this was Buffy he was kissing, finally. This was where he wanted to be and needed to be all this time. Despite how many things were jumbled around them, the planets aligned themselves in this moment and everything felt right.
“You taste like honey,” he murmured, nibbling on her bottom lip before devouring her mouth again. She was pliable in his arms, her arms wrapped around his neck, and he was lifting her up, trying to get her even closer to him. When his tongue dipped in her mouth, she moaned and held him tighter, and the sound elicited a moan from him as well. “God, I love you,” he whispered.
“Mmm…Spike,” she panted, starting to pull away.
“No, not yet,” he pleaded and plundered her mouth once more. God only knew the next time he’d be given such a gift and he was going to partake of it for as long as he could.