Chapter 49
I got my head but my head is unraveling
Cant keep control, can’t keep track of where it’s traveling
I got my heart but my heart’s no good
You’re the only one that’s understood
Buffy lay on her couch in the living room, listening to an old Nine Inch Nails CD, and staring up at the ceiling. It was late, about 2 am, but she just hadn’t been able to get back to sleep and didn’t want to wake Spike with her constant tossing and turning.
I come along but I don’t know where you’re taking me
I shouldn’t go but you’re wrenching dragging shaking me
Turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
The more I give to you the more I die
And I want you
You are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
“Buffy, what are you doing?”
Looking over the back of the couch over at Spike, she smiled and waved. “Couldn’t sleep. Want to join me here?”
He shrugged, raking a hand through his riot of curls and laid down on the opposite end of the couch, tucking his legs toward the back of the couch, hers resting in the front.
He was silent for a minute. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”
“I woke up and couldn’t shut off my brain.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“What do you think?”
You make me hard when I’m all soft inside
I see the truth when I’m all stupid-eyed
The arrow goes straight through my heart
Without you everything just falls apart
“Buffy, what the hell are you listening to?”
“Our new song,” she said and giggled.
My blood just wants to say hello to you
My fear is warm to get inside of you
My soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me
Take me with you
Without you everything just falls apart
It’s not as much fun to pick up the pieces
You are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
“Some day I’d like to have a real song with you. Not one from Nine Inch Nails and not I’m Going Slightly Mad from Queen,” Spike told her, grumbling slightly.
“Come on, why be traditional? Nothing about us is.”
“This is true,” he said huskily and sat up, moving to lie down next to her, his back pressed against the back of the couch and enfolding her in his arms.
Snuggling into his embrace, Buffy sighed as the song started up again.
“And you have it on repeat. Nice,” he muttered.
“You’re my drug. My perfect drug,” she cooed, giving him an Eskimo kiss.
“Do you feel better about things, sweetheart?”
“I guess. I just feel kind of contemplative.”
“And what are you contemplating?”
“Everything and nothing all at once,” she declared.
“So your mind was racing with nothing definitive.”
“Right. There’s stuff going on in there, just can’t pinpoint them right now.”
“I see,” he said, nodding.
“Spike?”
“Yes?”
“You weren’t thinking of her at all?”
“No, Buffy,” he told her gently. “I wasn’t. My focus was all on you. All I was thinking was how I loved you and wanted to show you how much.”
“The things I did…did she do them?”
“Buffy, how is that going to help you get past this?”
“Maybe if I knew…knowledge is power and all that crap.”
“Yeah, and too much knowledge can make a person go crazy.”
“Is that why all the incredibly gifted people are completely tapped?” she mused.
“Yes.”
“Wow. I never knew you and I were among the incredibly gifted.”
Shaking his head, Spike pinched her bottom and she squealed before bursting into laugher. “Come on, that was funny!”
He shook his head again and kissed her softly. “Buffy, the things we do in bed together, it will always be different because it’s you and I. People all over the world engage in the same activities and it’s different for everyone because it all depends on whom they’re with and how they feel about that person. Okay, yes, your mom went down on me–”
Buffy recoiled from him, nearly falling off the couch in the process, her nose wrinkling.
“You asked,” he reminded her. “You wanted to know. You still want to know?”
“Yeah, I’m all set…for now,” snuggling back into him, she whispered, “Just, I’m gonna need you to reassure me okay? Cause it’s not just going to go away.”
“I know.”
Silence, then. “Spike?”
“Hmmm?”
“Did you mean it when you said you’d get help?”
“What’s wrong? You don’t want to be the only one in therapy?”
She giggled, “No. I don’t. I have this image in my head of our future.”
“Oh?”
“Yup. Let me paint this picture for you. It starts with a cozy padded cell for two…”
Without you everything just falls apart
It’s not as much fun to pick up the pieces
You are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
********
“So, um, how is he after…all that?” Willow asked hesitantly the following morning while Buffy set about updating their website.
She looked over her shoulder at her new friend and then turned in the swivel chair to face her. “He was shaken up. Understandably so. He didn’t even realize I don’t think, what he did, or how bad.”
“And how bad was it exactly?” Willow asked, wincing slightly.
“Angel was pretty wrecked,” Buffy said, not really wanting to elaborate too much. The last thing she wanted was for Willow to think Spike was some kind of monster. “It’s a bunch of things that just made him snap. He’s not a violent man, he’s really not and what Angel said was just–”
“Utterly out of line in my opinion!” Willow said adamantly, her eyes wide. “He had no right to say that at all. It was crude and just …wrong.”
Buffy smiled, thankful that Willow said that, thought that, and voiced it. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. Just stating fact.”
“I know, but just the same.”
“So, I guess that means you wouldn’t be able to go out for a drink with me tonight? Cause I really had fun the other night and was thinking we should do something like that again.”
Buffy beamed. “I had fun too. I’ve never a real girlfriend before. I’ve always been kind of a loner and the only friends I’ve really had, have been men.”
Willow shrugged and sighed. “I’ve had Xander. He’s…well, he’s kind of a girl.”
Buffy laughed. “Oh, I so want to meet him now!”
Willow snapped her fingers, “You know what? How about we go out? You, me, Spike and Xander? It won’t be a date for me and Xander, but it’d be fun to go out, don’t you think?”
“You know what, Wills? I really like that idea. Let me call Spike.”
********
Squeezing Spike’s hand, Buffy looked up at him and grinned. “We’re gonna have fun, right?” she asked later that night as they headed into The Bronze, the local bar and club.
“Buffy, will you stop asking me that? Yes, we will.”
“Well, you seem hesitant.”
“I just feel a little weird about Willow knowing I beat the piss out of Angel yesterday.”
“Spike, don’t worry about it,” Buffy said, stopping and facing him. “This was her idea. If she thought you were going to take everyone out I don’t think she would have suggested we all go out. Her friend Xander is coming too.”
“And they’re just friends?”
“Right. I’m thinking he’s a guy, you’re a guy…cha-ching. Friend for you!”
Spike laughed and shook his head at her. Bending down, he kissed her quickly. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Love me?”
“Well, yeah. I already do that,” he said, smiling tenderly at her. Brushing some hair from her face, he leaned in once more to kiss her. “And I’ll never stop.”
“Me either,” she whispered.
Someone clearing their throat loudly had Spike and Buffy turning to find Willow and a shaggy haired guy standing there, waiting sheepishly for them to take notice.
“Uh, hi, guys!” Buffy chirped. “Wills, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend Spike…”
********
Buffy couldn’t help but be in good spirits. The night had so far been a success. Spike and Xander (Harris)– who was indeed part man, part boy and part girl, just as Willow said – had gone off to play a few rounds of pool while she and Willow talked, drank a little and danced.
Things were going swimmingly and she felt free. There was something to be said for being cooped up with your issues and then being out in public with them. At times, being around people was a help in keeping the dark cloud at bay. Other times, it was too much work, but this was not, thankfully, one of those times. And, from looking at Spike who was now laughing at something Xander said, this was not one of his times either.
“They’re getting along well, huh?” Willow asked. “Xander likes him, I can tell. He won’t play pool with someone he doesn’t like.”
“Good, I’m glad. And I think Spike likes him as well, he’s been laughing a lot. Always a good sign.”
“You love him a lot, don’t you, Buffy?”
Buffy nodded, blushing slightly. “I do. He’s my guy.”
“Is he the first guy you’ve ever…?”
“Been in love with? Yes. I thought I was before, but now that I’m in love with Spike, I know it wasn’t really love then. I never wanted to do things for them the way I want to do them for Spike.”
“Wow,” Willow gushed. “I want that.”
Buffy smiled, “You’ll have it, Wills. But, we’re not going to get you to get it by sitting here. Let’s shake our tail feather, see who we can reel in for ya.”
“But won’t they think I’m with you?”
Buffy shrugged and grinned, “Maybe. But, hey, have you ever noticed that when you’re with someone that’s when everyone starts coming out of the woodwork?”
Willow smiled slowly and broadly. “Let’s go.”
********
Spike’s eyes fell on Buffy gyrating to the music blaring in the club and his blood rushed immediately to that certain part of his anatomy that made his pants just a tad too tight.
Fuck me, she’s hot. She wore a happy, carefree smile as she danced, her hair bouncing, her body moving gracefully…she was a Goddess.
“Spike? Earth to Spike? Do you want to play another round?” Xander asked, waving a hand in front of Spike’s face.
Spike grinned, not taking his eyes off Buffy. “Not now, mate. Got a girl to see about.” And he prowled over, stalking his prey.
He knew the minute she noticed him coming for she smirked slightly and made a big show of not looking at him, instead turning so that he got a view of her ass in those skin tight jeans she insisted on wearing.
Ignoring all else but his girl, Spike came up behind her and groaned when she pushed her rump back into him, brushing right against his erection. Placing his hands on her hips, he pulled her closer and she stood straighter.
Bending slightly, Spike purred in her ear, “Do you know how fucking hot you are, Buffy?”
“Am I?” she asked softly, a slight smirk on her face as she looked over her shoulder at him.
Moving her hair from her neck, he nuzzled it softly before biting down on her lobe, smiling when he heard her moan. “I’m hard for you right now.”
She froze slightly and he snaked a hand across her waist and rested it on her belly. “Only you,” he whispered in her ear. “Only you have made me this crazy. Only you have made me want so bad I feel like I’m going to explode.”
Spinning, Buffy looked up at him with lust in her eyes. “We can’t have you exploding, now can we?” she said just before leaning up and crashing her lips to his.
**Song “The Perfect Drug” by Nine Inch Nails**