Chapter 22: Laughter
The door closed, blocking out the sight of Steven supporting his father as they slowly moved toward the car, and Spike fell to his knees, his features melting at last into his human visage.
He hadn’t wanted to think until this instant, he hadn’t dared let himself think, but now that the immediate danger was gone, he couldn’t fool himself any longer. He didn’t know how, or why, but he knew with a heart wrenching certainty that his Childe had lost her soul. And he knew when. During the night. She had gone to bed happy that things with Dawn had been mended. She had awoken hungry for blood and sex, not an unusual thing in itself, but unusual in the way she had acted on it, then she had suggested torturing one of her exes, and finally decided to turn the other one. And without that so disturbing nightmare that had awoken Spike, she would have succeeded. Had his brain figured out what had happened and tried to warn him? Or had it been his demon that saw the change? Whatever the case, he had had all the confirmation he needed by simply looking in her eyes. They were still the same hazel gems he loved to lose himself into, and at the same time, they were different, in a way he couldn’t have explained.
Buffy without her soul.
What was probably the deadliest fighter in this dimension, freed of the guilt of killing innocents, guided only by her demon.
Buffy without her soul.
Free of morality, thirsty for blood. Like in his dream. Except that in his dream, he had been chipped still, and now he wasn’t. Now, they were alike. No soul to forbid anything to them. If they wanted it, the town was theirs. No, not if they wanted it. If he wanted it. If he allowed it. He had stopped her before she could take the first step toward that. She hadn’t wanted to bring back Angelus to play kitten poker with him. She had wanted him back because he was fun, she had said. Fun… As much fun as a tornado could be fun. Or an earthquake. Unpredictable. Unavoidable. Deadly. She had wanted a partner to help her destroy. A teacher, maybe. In other words, she hadn’t believed Spike was up to her standards. And that was a wound just as deep as the other. As painful as hearing…
No. That hadn’t been his Buffy talking. It was the demon. Just the demon trying to hurt Spike because he had denied it its first kill. He couldn’t be angry with that. He had to calm down. She didn’t mean it. She couldn’t mean it. He couldn’t allow himself to believe she meant it. Because if he did, if she did, it was Drusilla preferring Angelus to him once more. And if that was all unlife held for him, over and over again, he might as well open that door and take a walk outside right now.
Buffy without her soul.
No. Not Buffy. His Slayer without her soul wasn’t completely his Slayer anymore. He knew what the accepted theory was, that once the demon took over there was nothing left from the human. But his own experience had led him to another way to see things. William was still in him, buried deep, but present. Even if he always denied it, he knew it was true. And the demon allowed some things, some habits, feelings, likes or dislikes – few, very few – to get through. In each vampire, a different demon. Each demon choosing to keep or not these little things to its own liking. From what he had heard, this Buffy had kept at least part of her feelings, but he had no clue as to whether she still loved him . And he was afraid to find out she did not. All he wanted was to have her back, all of her. Including her soul. He was the reason she had kept it after he had turned her, and he would be the reason it was returned to her. Today. Now.
Pulling himself to his feet, he strode to Angel’s office, fumbling at the desk until he found the notebook in which Angel kept phone numbers and addresses. His call woke the Witches, but they understood quickly it was a matter of life or death.
*****
From the instant Spike had ordered her to sit down and not move, Buffy had been fighting his command, without any success for long minutes. While he was gone to enlist Steven’s help, while she was explaining to Angel what – and who – he was losing by not being turned, she had been thrilled to discover she could at last move her feet and hands. Not much, at first, but progressively more and more. If her Sire had only taken a little longer to return, she might have been able to finish what she had started. But too soon he had taken her prey away, and she couldn’t understand why, however hard she tried to.
She knew there was something between the two men, she had understood that a while before even though they had never talked about it. Ensouled, she had been way too prudish to touch that subject, or to dare make suggestions. Oh, she wasn’t jealous. She knew with no possible doubt to whom Spike’s heart belonged, who he would have given everything for, who he would have died for. Her. And if she was honest with herself, she could say that the reverse was true. Even now, it was true. Her human self had once flung into Spike’s face that vampires were not capable of love, and now that she was a true vampire, she knew she had been wrong. Because she still loved him. That was one of the reasons she had tried to turn Angel, to give Spike what she knew part of him wanted, even if he was too proud and stubborn to admit it. What she wanted too, true, but it made the deal that much sweeter. But he hadn’t let her. He hadn’t understood it was for him, too, that she was making Angel one of them. It wasn’t all lost, however. She could still explain to him better, and they could finish the job later. Together.
Not once did the question of how her soul had disappeared come to her. She just knew it had, and was quite content about it, having discovered a freedom she had never even dared dream of. It had taken her a brief moment after waking up to work out why she felt all at once different and the same. The pieces had clicked into place as she described to Spike how they could have fun with Riley. She had realized then she meant every word she said, realized that for the first time she was actually considering killing a human. More than considering, she was sure she would enjoy it very much.
A few minutes after she had been left alone, the command of her Sire finally lost its power on her and she managed to stand, stretching her limbs in a catlike fashion. She was walking down the hall, trying to decide whether to get dressed or go find Spike, when her face suddenly brightened with a smile as she came upon Dawn.
“Buffy?” The kid asked worriedly. “What’s going on? Spike said An…”
Before the girl had a chance to finish, Buffy had grabbed and immobilized her. Already she had shifted to game face, but before she could put her fangs to good use she was, as before, stopped by a single word from her Sire. It was becoming more than frustrating.
Irritated, she cast a defiant glare at him as he slowly approached, never letting go of the girl whose heart was suddenly beating faster with her fear. She was surprised to discover the grief reflected on his face. No more anger, just an incredible sadness in the blue again eyes.
“Why do you keep stopping me?” she asked, half pleading, half reproachful.
“I can’t let you kill them, luv,” he replied quietly, stopping just a couple of steps from Buffy and her prey.
“Why not?” she insisted. “It is so good. You never told me it was so good to feed off humans.”
If she had known, she thought, surely even her soul couldn’t have stopped her.
“They are not just humans. They are our family.”
He was still making no move to take the trembling girl from her, but he gave her a reassuring smile.
“We are vampires. Vampires do not have families.”
Spike had a tiny headshake. “Blood, Childe. Blood is family. Dawn was made from your blood. I was made from Angel’s. You from mine. All linked. We are family. And we do not hurt family.”
There was such force in his calm voice, so calm now compared to the anger from before, that Buffy could feel how much he believed what he was saying. After all, he had killed Dru because she had hurt his Childe, his closest bloodkin. She herself wasn’t so sure, but he was her Sire, her Mate, and if he didn’t want her to kill a couple of humans, then she could leave them safe. The world was full of potential meals. She let go of Dawn.
Buffy watched, amused, as the kid stumbled forward, huddling into Spike’s arms, nervous sobs rocking her body. She was much less amused, however, when he stroked her hair comfortingly and tried to soothe her, always keeping an eye on Buffy. It was one thing to allow some people to live, quite another to mollycoddle them.
“It’s OK now, Bit”, she heard him murmur. “You’re safe. It’s OK.”
“No it’s not,” a shaking voice answered. “She tried to bite me. My own sister tried to bite me. Is that what happened to Angel? Did she drain him? What’s wrong with her?”
Buffy clucked her tongue, annoyed. Nothing was wrong with her, she wasn’t the one crying and clinging to a vampire because another one had tried to get a snack.
“Angel is fine”, Spike answered, and Buffy noticed the tension when he said that name again. “And Buffy will be too. I promise she will very soon.”
“I am fine right now,” Buffy felt compelled to say.
“What happened to her?” Dawn asked, ignoring her comment. “Why does she do… this?”
Spike’s gaze found Buffy’s over the teen’s shoulder, and still the sadness was there. As he didn’t answer immediately, Dawn pulled away from him, maybe searching on his face the answer he wasn’t giving her.
“Why don’t you tell her?” Buffy asked, grinning slightly, wondering whether he knew. He couldn’t not know, he was her Sire after all.
Spike nodded slowly, and his eyes never left her as he spoke.
“I don’t know how, but Buffy doesn’t have a soul at the moment.”
“She what?!” Dawn said with that annoying shrieking voice of hers, her eyes going back and forth between the two vamps.
“I lost my soul”, Buffy clarified with a grin that showed maybe too many teeth, because Dawn took a step back.
“She will have it back very soon,” Spike added quickly.
“How…” Dawn started, now whining, but was interrupted by Buffy’s growl.
“I don’t want it back!”
She crossed her arms over her breast, ready to argue on that until the next apocalypse, and by the frown Spike gave her, he could see how determined she was.
“We’ll talk later, Bit. Let me know when Steven comes back, alright?”
With that, he squeezed the teen’s shoulder briefly and came to Buffy, caressing her face with his fingertips.
“Come to our room with me, luv?”
This time, it wasn’t an order, and she could have simply refused. But he didn’t wait for her to agree, and just walked away. If she wanted to convince him she didn’t need a soul, she had to follow him, so she did just that. After only a few steps, the girl’s voice rose, still a bit wavering, but Buffy only shrugged as she heard Dawn proclaim that she was still her sister and that she still loved her.
“I don’t want a soul again,” she said as she closed their door and leaned against it.
“I know, luv,” Spike said with a too soft voice. “But I’m afraid I already made that decision for you. Red is working on it right now. A couple of hours, she said.”
Blinking several times, Buffy watched him as he let himself fall on the bed, hands folded behind his head, eyes staring at the ceiling. A couple of hours. Nothing for her to do to prevent it, then. Even if the sun hadn’t been glaring outside, Sunnydale – and Willow – were too far to reach them before she had cast the spell. For the first time since she had awoken, Buffy felt her heart sink. Head down, she joined Spike on the bed and curled against his side.
“But you don’t have a soul”, she pleaded without hope. “Why should I have one? I don’t need one. I don’t want one.”
“I had a soul, luv,” he murmured as he moved to embrace her. “I had yours. And I know your demon doesn’t care about souls. But my Buffy does. My Buffy doesn’t want to hurt anyone. My Buffy wants to go back to Heaven some day. And I promised her she would. So in a few hours, your soul will be back. And until then, I’ll make sure you do nothing else you could feel guilty about later.”
There was a hard determination in the dark blue eyes that were staring at Buffy. The caresses on her back where he held her were very soft, featherlike. The contrast between the too, inflexibility and gentleness, was odd.
“I should never have had it to begin with,” she said bitterly. “You made me a demon, and then you refused me everything that a demon has. And now you refuse it to me again.”
The determination seemed to waver, and Spike closed his eyes, the long lashes quivering lightly.
“They would have cursed you anyway, luv. Both then and now. It might have taken them more time, but they would have done it. I just try to make it easier on you.”
“Easier?” she laughed cynically. “It’s easier for me if you don’t let me do what I was reborn to do? Don’t let me feed? Don’t let me turn who I want?”
The soft caresses ceased immediately, and he pulled away from her, breaking all contact between their bodies, turning his back to her. She was wondering what in her words had hurt him, when he asked, his voice cold as ice:
“Do you really love him? Answer truthfully, Childe.”
And once again, he was using that voice to make her obey. Before that day, he had done it no more than two times. But in just a couple of hours, it was already his fifth order, and each time she liked it even less.
“I am not in love with him, if that’s what you’re asking,” she said somberly. “I am in love with my Mate.”
“Do. You. Love. Him.”
He still had his back to her, and she reached out tentatively, stroking his bare flesh gently.
“No more than you do”, she finally answered.
His body shook under her hand until she thought he was crying, but soon his laughter filled the room. Except that it was the most desperate laugh she had ever heard.