Chapter 16: Life’s Only Still in Drawings
“They left town, sir.”
“They what?”
“Summers didn’t go to the college, and the vampire didn’t patrol. They left together, we have a vehicle following them and it looks like they’re going to LA.”
A dozen expletives ran through Riley’s mind, none of them the kind he would let slip where anyone could hear. Of all times, they had to choose this night to take a little trip!
“Keep an eye on them, wherever they’re going,” he instructed the soldier. “If the vampire is alone, and can be secured without her knowledge, remove him. If not, we’ll wait until they come back.”
That was, of course, assuming they would come back. If it was only up to Buffy, Riley had little doubt they would; she took her duty to protect Sunnydale very seriously. But she was under the vampire’s thrall, so he could only hope. Hope for the good of the mission, as well as for more personal reasons
*****
When they arrived at the Hyperion, Buffy and Spike found the hotel mostly deserted, except for one of Angel’s employees, Fred, who was perusing heavy leather bound books. Research in LA looked frighteningly similar to research in Sunnydale. From what the girl said, the other members of Angel Investigations were out gathering information in the field. Buffy itched to go out and help, more to delay her encounter with Dawn than for any other reason, but Spike’s slight head shaking wasn’t needed to remind her of a little incident a few months back. She and Spike had gone out, unbidden, to help Angel, and when they had found him he had been quite… explicit about them waiting at the hotel the next time he wasn’t there when they arrived. Vehemently explicit.
It seemed that Dawn at least was there, currently in Steven’s room – where else? As she was leaving Spike in the office with the woman, he sat down on the edge of the desk, picked up the book and asked Fred what it was she was looking for. She hadn’t asked for help, and he hadn’t really proposed, but he would help anyway, and that brought a small smile to Buffy’s lips as she climbed the stairs. There had been a time when Spike had found it very amusing to annoy a person doing any kind of research, just for the sake of getting on their nerves. And now he helped, without even being asked to. Of course, if she pointed it out, he would claim he was just passing time, and wasn’t really helping anyway. But she knew better. And she would have to remind him later how wonderful she thought he was.
The door of Steven’s room was partially open, and when Buffy lightly knocked it opened further in front of her, revealing Dawn sitting at the desk, writing in what Buffy knew was her diary. The teen’s eyes came up to her sister, the barest frown barring her forehead.
“Hey there,” Buffy said quietly.
“Hi. I told Spike I needed a ride tomorrow, not tonight.”
Interesting start, Buffy thought wryly. She might as well have said she didn’t want to see them. As she came further into the room, Buffy’s gaze traveled to the drawings that graced the walls.
“Don’t worry,” she said blankly. “We’ll stay here until tomorrow night. You won’t be alone with the big bad vamps until then.”
Talking about big bad vamps… One of the drawings, surrounded by a light gray wood frame, represented a woman and her child. Darla & Connor, the inscription read. She looked so peaceful on this drawing, almost as innocent as her baby. Appearances could be so deceptive.
“What bad vamps?” Dawn asked, her tone lightly teasing. “Because, if you haven’t noticed, you and Spike are more badly whipped than big bads.”
Another drawing showed a young woman, smiling graciously, eyes sparkling. The whole picture expressed love and tenderness. Buffy couldn’t help grinning faintly at that, wondering when Angel had ever seen Dawn like this. She was much more likely to scowl in his presence than smile.
“Who are you calling whipped?” Buffy asked, pointing to the drawing.
For the first time, hazel and blue eyes met. The mischievous light in the blue ones died pretty quick however, and Dawn let out a soft sigh.
“You want to talk?”
“Do we have something to talk about?” Buffy replied, her voice expressionless.
The teen rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said with a hint of exasperation. “Close the door behind you when you go then.”
She turned back to the desk and her diary, but Buffy didn’t leave, returning instead to her study of the pictures. A smaller one caught her interest. It showed Steven and opposite him Spike, both carrying swords, poised for attack and defense.
“I’ve been a vamp for three years,” Buffy said very low, a finger hovering above the small figure of her Sire on the heavy cream paper. “It never seemed to bother you before. So why does it upset you now?”
She heard the chair move behind her, as if Dawn had pulled it away from the desk, but she did not turn toward her sister, her eyes remaining on the drawing.
“I’m not upset,” the teen replied. “Not anymore. I mean, I was really… stunned. One day, you’re a human, the next day you’re a vamp. And you were so happy when you became human again. And I was so happy for you too…”
Repressing a sigh, Buffy turned to face Dawn, unsurprised at finding her eyes shiny with tears.
“I am still happy, Dawn. It’s my choice. Being a vamp isn’t as dreadful as you seem to think.”
“But there are so many things you can’t have”, Dawn murmured. “When you were a vamp before, it was a matter of being dead or undead, so I didn’t feel too guilty. But this time you could have remained alive, you could have had a normal life and kids and everything.”
Buffy was about to try and explain that she would never have anything close to a normal life, not as long as she was the Slayer and Spike was in her life, but then she realized what Dawn had said, and she frowned in confusion.
“Guilty? Why on earth would you feel guilty?”
Dawn’s gaze dropped to the floor, and Buffy came to her, placing a finger under her chin and tilting her head back up.
“Spill.”
Dawn swallowed heavily, before saying, her voice hesitating slightly:
“When you were ill… when you were at the hospital… I went to see Spike a few times. I told him how sick you were and that it wasn’t fair that you were dying again… that I couldn’t bear to lose you a second time… I never really asked him to … but… I’m pretty sure he did it at least in part for me. Because of me. And the night he took you away, I could have stopped him if I had wanted. I just know he would have stopped if I had asked him to… But I didn’t. I knew what he was going to do and I let him take you. I wanted him to.”
Her confession over, tears started to roll down Dawn’s cheeks. Without thinking, Buffy kneeled in front of her, taking both her hands in hers.
“Listen to me, Dawnie”, she managed to say despite the emotion that had her shaking. “You have nothing to feel guilty for. Even if you had asked him to do it, you still wouldn’t be at fault. Spike may act like a kid sometimes, but he is adult, and he makes his own choices. And so do I. If being a vamp was so horrible, do you think I would have willingly become one again?”
She brushed a strand of hair away from Dawn’s cheek, tucking it behind her ear.
“There are things I will never have, true,” she continued. “But I have other things that a human cannot even imagine. I am closer to Spike than I’ve ever been to anyone, and that means more to me than I can explain. Do not feel sorry for me, Dawn. Because I am not sorry. I don’t regret being what I am, and I never did.”
Slowly, understanding made its way on Dawn’s face, and she smiled faintly through her tears. She didn’t say a word, but pressed lightly Buffy’s hand in hers, and nodded. These simple gestures warmed Buffy’s heart. Everything would be OK now.
*****
The apartment had so many candles that it hadn’t been hard for Manon to borrow a few of them. Same thing for the herbs, the Witches had a supply just as complete as the Magic Box, and she had managed to take what she needed without either woman noticing. The bedroom wasn’t big, but by moving the desk a little she had cleared enough space to form a circle of candles large enough for her to sit in. She had memorized the words of the spell, and what herbs to burn and when. All she needed now was to gather the courage to start. Because once this was done, everything would be different. But after the way Spike had talked to her tonight, things had to change. She just hoped it would be for the best.