Chapter 23: Sorting Things Out
Buffy leaned against the door for a moment before crossing to turn on the tub and draw a bath. What the hell had just happened? She’d suddenly gone psycho girl on Spike and she wasn’t sure why. What had she been expecting, him to propose, to ask her to come with him on his new adventure?
Yeah, like he really wanted some barely out of her teens girlfriend tagging along. And she just knew, even if he said it wouldn’t happen, that some night he’d get just a little too lonely, maybe have just a little too much to drink, and he’d end up with some other girl. Then she’d be somewhere she never wanted to be, her mother’s shoes.
The hot water slowly filled the tub and Buffy added the bubble bath Spike had picked out for her. She almost started to cry as she recapped the bottle and slid down into the tub. Why did he have to be so damn thoughtful, and sexy and sweet and exactly what she wanted? Why had she even brought this stuff up? They had months before anything happened. Why couldn’t they just float along on the tide of happiness that had been surrounding her since she’d finally admitted she’d fallen for him?
And then it hit her. Buffy sat straight up, barely stopping in time to prevent water from drenching the floor. She’d admitted she’d fallen for him. She’d made the move to bring them together. She’d decided he was what she wanted and that she was willing to take a chance on him. Why was she being mopey about this? Who said Spike had to make all the decisions? She obviously taken some chances on him before, and look how well things were working out.
She could make some decisions of her own. Nothing said she had to stay in Sunnydale. It had been great being here, but she knew there was more to the world than this little town. She could transfer schools. She could go with him.
Her heart beat racing, she began to rinse off rapidly. That was the answer. She was going with him. Her allowance would allow her to go to any of the schools he’d applied to, assuming she could get accepted as a transfer student. But her grades had been good here and at Oxford, she could definitely get some strong recommendation letters. Maybe Jenny could even help her, she had a lot of connections in the UCLA art history department.
As she dried off, her thoughts still racing, she suddenly stopped. Should she tell Spike? He always said he wanted them to be together, he’d probably be excited. But then what if she couldn’t transfer? Maybe she shouldn’t tell him until she knew for sure, like he’d been doing with her. She toweled her hair dry and ran a comb through it as she slid on a kimono she’d left hanging on the back of his door.
Yep, this was the answer. She’d go apologize to him, apply to the same schools, and then tell him once she knew something for certain. She smiled at her reflection. Jenny had been right. There were some hard choices to be made, but she was going to make them. Most of her life the choices had been made by others, by her parents, by the dictates of the trust they’d set up for her, by Giles. She’d followed the little path laid out, content to follow the flow because she had nothing better to pursue. But now she did. She had Spike.
She threw open the door to find that very person with his hand raised to knock. He’d pulled back on his blue jeans and a T-shirt and she wanted to hug him, he looked so forlorn.
“Buffy, honey, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I said, but I didn’t mean. Well I didn’t mean to . . .”
She raised her hand to his lips and stopped him. “Spike, it’s okay. I’m the one who needs to apologize. I lost it and didn’t mean to. It wasn’t your fault at all. I just got nervous, because I don’t like the idea of you being so far away. I want us to make it work, okay? Even if it has to be long distance, we’ll make it work.”
His face broke out in a smile, pale compared to his enthusiasm of earlier in the day, but a welcome change from his previously despondent look. “Really? You’d be willing to do the long-distance thing?”
Buffy nodded. “If we have to,” she responded cryptically.
He whooped and picked her up and carried her back to the bed, covering her face with kisses as he deftly untied the sash of her robe and slid his hands around her curves. “Buffy, you’ve made me so happy. I was so worried it won’t work out and I don’t ever want to lose you.”
“I don’t even want to lose you either, Spike. Let’s not worry about it any more for now. Things have a way of working themselves out. Just let me know when you hear from UCLA, okay?”
He nodded against her throat as he slid further down her body, distracting her effectively from any future plans with the wonders of the here and now.
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Willow stared at the computer screen for what seemed like the hundredth time since she’d first received Tara’s e-mail a few days ago. The Cordelia situation had distracted her for a little while, but now in the quiet of the weekend, she knew she had a decision to make. She wondered if Buffy would have any advice for her. Of course she was off with Spike right now, and she didn’t really want to interrupt them. Besides, what did she say? “Gee Buffy, I’m thinking of maybe cheating on one of our best friends and I was hoping you’d tell me it’s okay?”
Nope. That wasn’t going to work.
And there wasn’t really anyone else. Sure, there were classmates and some of the girls at the sorority that she’d hang out with from time to time. But for really serious stuff, she didn’t talk to them. She talked to Buffy or Xander. Or maybe even Cordelia, but with all she had going on right now, Willow thought her problem seemed petty in comparison.
But it didn’t feel petty. It felt really, really big and really, really scary. Like life-altering scary. Like the first time she’d acknowledged she had feelings for Tara scary. Like the realization that maybe she wasn’t capable of being monogamous scary.
She’d thought she was, she really had. When Xander had paid attention to her at that party, so many months ago now, she’d been over the moon to have the guy she’d fallen in love with somewhere back in elementary school suddenly be interested in her. And everything had been perfect. He was someone she could talk with, confide in, laugh with, make love with.
And truthfully she hadn’t missed having a variety of people in her bed. Xander was surprisingly creative, though when pushed on the source of some of his more adventuresome ideas, he mumbled something about a crazy ex-girlfriend and she’d let it drop. But things had been fine until this e-mail.
And since then she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Tara. About how she’d felt, how she’d looked, about the differences between her soft body and Xander’s hard one. And even worse, she’d been more and more intrigued by the idea that Xander might be willing to let her do something if he were there as well.
Willow slammed her head on her desk. She could remember telling Buffy that she’d never want a threesome with Xander, she loved him too much and those things never worked out well when the emotions were all tangled. She’d be playing with fire to even suggest the idea. She stared at the screen again, then hit the reply button. Time to settle this once and for all. Xander was her here and now, she didn’t even know what Tara was like these days, and she shouldn’t jeopardize what she had. She typed Tara, then stared at the screen, until she jump like a startled rabbit when she heard a knock at the door.
She closed the lid on her laptop hastily and peered though the peephole to see a dripping wet Xander. She turned the lock and hastily let him in.
“Xander? What are you doing here, and why are you all wet?”
He gave her a quick kiss, then turned her to face the window. “I’m here ’cause I missed you and figured you might be almost done by now, and I’m wet ’cause it’s raining.”
Willow gave a small laugh. “Oh. Guess I wasn’t paying any attention to the weather.” She grabbed a towel and began to dry his hair as he started to unbutton his wet shirt. He peeled off the clinging fabric and tossed it into the corner of the room, then turned back to Willow.
She suddenly realized what she needed to do. She needed Xander, this minute, so she could put all thoughts of Tara behind her. Then she could write that e-mail, send it, and move on with her life. Her mind settled, she attacked his belt, working the swollen leather from the buckle and unzipping his fly rapidly, her hands seeking to warm his cool flesh.
“Um, Willow, muffin, not that I don’t appreciate what you’re doing, but did I miss something?”
Willow turned on her sex kitten routine full force. This was not the time for Cuddle Xander. She needed sex and now. “Xander,” she purred at him, “Can I help it that I can’t resist your manly charms?” She mentally cringed, she needed to dial back the cheesiness there a little.
She lapped at his chest, catching drops of water that clung to his skin as she pushed the wet pants further down his legs. “You’re just all wet, baby, and it’s making me the same way.” She looked up at him slyly though her lashes, noting that he seemed to be responding as she pushed his boxers into the heap with his khakis.
Xander growled as she nipped at him and pushed him back towards the bed. He kicked this pants off as he frantically removed his socks. Willow yanked off her top and hastily pulled off the sweats she’d being wearing as Xander moved back to the bed. She crawled on top of him, kissing him frantically as she ran her hands down his body, urging him to her.
And then he stopped her. He captured her hands and rolled her under him, pulled her arms above her head and pinning her in place with his body weight as he stared down into her eyes.
“Willow, talk to me. What’s wrong?”
She bucked against him, rolling her eyes in annoyance. “Nothing Xander. I was trying to get my boyfriend to have sex with me, but I guess that’s not working.”
He continued to hold her in place. “I’m serious Willow. You’ve been acting funny. You didn’t want to sleep with me last night or even see me, and now you want to jump my bones? You’ve been moody and distant and I think you wouldn’t have seen me today if I hadn’t just shown up. And now you can’t get enough of me? I know something’s wrong. So spill. I’m not letting you up until you talk.”
Willow narrowed her eyes. “Oh, that’s great. Be all caveman about it. You’re the big man, and I’m the little woman. It’s no wonder I’d rather be with women.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, Willow froze, realizing what she’d just said. And watched in horror as Xander’s face fell and he instantly released her wrists and rolled off her. He hunched over the edge of the bed, his back to her as she sat up and reached for his shoulder.
“Xander, no I didn’t mean . . .”
He shrugged her off. “Yeah, Willow, you did.” He took a deep breath and turned to her, his face a careful blank. “So how long have you been feeling this way Willow? When did you decide you don’t like playing on both sides of the track after all? And when did you plan to fill me in?”
Willow felt the tears start to well up in her eyes at the ice in his voice. “Xander, no, no, it’s not like that at all. It’s, well the truth is I got this e-mail from someone I use to know and it just made me start thinking and I’m sorry, Xander, I didn’t mean it.”
His gaze remained impassive, but he turned towards her ever more slightly. “Why don’t you start from the top Willow.”
As she explained the message and Tara’s request to meet, Xander felt his heart start to sink. He would never have guessed when Willow left to go to high school in England that she’d turn his world upside down when she came back. She’d been a cute kid, a tagalong, and he’d known she had a big crush on him. But the new, sexy, self-confident Will had just blown him away.
And he knew part of that new package included her past relationships with men and women. He’d been nervous at first, doing everything he could think of in the bedroom to keep her happy and satisfied. He’d actually thought she had been. But apparently one e-mail from an old flame was all it took to make her ready to go find someone who could give her things he couldn’t.
“So then I started thinking that maybe you could join us.”
Xander snapped out of his fog. What? Did she just say she wanted him to join them?
Willow snapped her fingers. “Xander, did you hear me?”
He shook his head. “Um, can you repeat that?”
She smiled just a little. She’d hoped that would catch his attention. “Well, it’s just I thought maybe it wouldn’t be a problem if, you know, you wanted to join us. It’d just be something a little different for us to try. I mean this is assuming a lot. Like if Tara is wanting to actually hook up again. And if she’d be into a threesome, though I know she has in the past. And if you’d be interested. And wouldn’t be jealous.” She let out a rush of air as she decided she’d babbled enough.
Xander took her hand. “Willow, can I just ask a few things first? And I don’t want to fight and I’m not making with the judgment here, I just need to know.”
She nodded and held her breath.
“Have you been fantasizing about this a long time, about being with other women again?”
“No, Xander I really haven’t. I’ve been really happy with you, and with you know, us. I don’t want to be with Tara again, like long term.” She blushed. “I just, her message, it just made me start thinking about what it was like with her. She was my first, Xander, and she was special. And then I guess I got a little hung up on thinking about her and you and then you and her and me and well, I went to a place with bad Willow thoughts.”
She launched herself forward to hug him. “Xander I’m sorry. I should have just talked this out with you from the beginning. I love you and I’m with you now.”
He hugged her to him, his anger starting to fade, then released her so he could look into her green eyes. Maybe the best thing was just to go along with her, give her what she needed.
“Willow, I love you too, and if this would make you happy, I’m willing. You can contact Tara and ask her.” He shifted nervously. “I’ve never, uh, never done you know . . .”
“A threesome?” Willow finished. “Oh it can be a lot of fun Xander, we’ll make sure you have a good time!” She kissed him thoroughly and was about to urge him to lay back on her bed so they could continue when he gave her a final peck on the cheek and stood up.
“Well, it sounds like fun. Tell, you what Will, you go ahead and e-mail Tara, work out the details and stuff. I’m going to go on home, get some dry clothes and look over a paper I have due next week. I’ll catch up with you later, ‘kay?”
He began rapidly pulling on his still damp clothes as Willow watched, a little bewildered.
“But Xander, don’t you want to,” she motioned to her naked body.
“I’d love to Willow, but it’s getting late and I’ve blown off that paper long enough. I’ll see you tomorrow, alright muffin?”
She smiled. He’d called her muffin, everything must be alright. She gave him a hug and grabbed her t-shirt to pull back on as he headed for the door. She settled back at the computer, pulled up the e-mail she’d begun to compose and stared at it. Her thoughts drifted back to the confused look in his eyes before he’d walked out the door. He did wanted this, didn’t he? Wasn’t it some kind of male fantasy, two women at once? Or was he just trying to keep her happy?
She stared at the keyboard, then reached for her cell phone. Maybe it was time to bring in Buffy after all.
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Buffy lay collapsed against Spike’s chest, waiting for her heart rate to slow. If he was this excited by the thought of a long-distance relationship, who knew what he’d do if she was able to come with him. He’d sent her skyrocketing through the stratosphere on multiple occasions in the last few hours, wringing sensations from her body she hadn’t known were possible. He’d told her he loved her dozens of times and every one had seemed sincere. She felt the fear and tension that had been lurking in the back of her mind begin to slip away. He was for real. He loved her, he wanted her, he was a keeper.
The chimes of a cell phone began to ring and Spike groaned something unintelligible in her ear. Neither of them moved. The chimes rang again. Buffy sighed and started to slip off of him and rummage for her phone. Maybe she’d left it in the pocket of her jeans? If she could just figure out where those were. Spike rolled over and nuzzled her neck. “Don’t get it luv, doubt it’s that important. Not as important as what we’re doing here. Sides’ they’ll call back.”
She playfully swatted him. “Alright Mr. Sex Machine. They’ve already called back . .. ” the chimes of the phone began to sound again, “twice now, I’d say it’s important.”
He sighed and rolled away. She tried not to let her eyes linger to much on his sculpted torso and the sheet which just barely skimmed his hipbones. The cell rang for a third time and Buffy focused on finding the phone.
She uncovered it on the fourth ring and hastily hit the send button. “Hello, this is Buffy.”
“Oh Buffy, I’m so glad I caught you, are you at Spike’s?”
“Uh-huh.” She glanced back at him and found him lounging on the edge of the bed, now revealed in all his glory and beckoning her to come join him. She shook her head no, frantically trying to concentrate on what Willow was saying. He licked his lips and slowly ran his fingers down his chest, lower, lower, damn, what was Willow talking about? She’d completed lost the thread of the conversation.
Buffy scowled at him and turned around. “I’m sorry Willow, could you repeat that?”
After listening for a few minutes, she agreed to head back to the dorm for a long therapeutic chat. Buffy hung up the phone and turned back around to see that Spike had lost his lascivious look and could tell something was wrong.
“Come here luv, something happen to Red now?”
Buffy sat back down next to him, loathe to leave, even though she knew Willow really needed to talk this through. “It’s this thing, with her and Xander, and someone she used to know who kinda wants to see her again. Like a female someone. And so Willow proposed a threesome and Xander agreed, but I think she’s having second thoughts.”
Spike’s eyebrow raised as she finished her explanation. “Well, now that would be an interesting turn of events. Say Xander’s agreed?”
“That’s what she said, but I think she’s afraid he’s just wanting to make her happy. She sounds pretty confused.” Buffy leaned her head against his shoulder. “Spike, would you ever want that?”
“What sweetheart, a threesome? With you and some other bird?” He laughed. “While I’d be lying if I said the idea wasn’t a bit of a turn-on in theory, I couldn’t ever share you like that. I’m a little possessive, if you haven’t noticed.”
She nodded. “I don’t think I’d want to either. Do you think that’s how Xander really feels?”
Spike shrugged. “It’s hard to say. But if this Tara girl’s Willow’s first big love, I have to say it doesn’t sound like a smart move for them.”
“That’s what I thought.” Buffy stood up and ran her fingers though his hair one last time before throwing on her clothes. “Guess I’d better get over there.”
Spike picked his jeans up and slid them on. “I’ll drive you, Goldy, it’s still raining outside. You want to come back later if you and Red get things sorted and finish what we were doing?”
She smiled. “Absolutely. Spike, I’m glad we talked about it, the future and stuff. I do want to have one with you, you know.”
His eyes lit up as he responded, “Me too.”
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Spike ran back up the stairs, glad to be getting out of the rain. It had turned into an incredibly miserable night. He reached for the doorknob and realized it was already open. Had he forgotten to lock it?
He stepped inside and found Xander sitting on the sofa morosely, having already put a sizable dent into the bottle of whiskey sitting on the table in front of him.
“I am taking away all of your keys,” Spike muttered under his breath as he closed the door behind him.
He sat down on the couch and confiscated the whiskey bottle. “Want to talk about it Xan?”
Xander laughed softly. “Guess you must already know, then huh?”
Spike shrugged, “If it helps, Buffy’s over there counseling Willow right now. I don’t know the finer points, just the headlines.”
Xander shrugged. “Then you know the score. Willow’s not satisfied with good ol’ Xander. Turns out it doesn’t matter that I’m man enough for her cause she wants a woman too.”
Spike opened his mouth and then decided to just let Xander talk.
“I just didn’t see it coming Spike. She’d been a little distant the last few days, but she had a lot going on. I guess I never thought she’d do this to me.”
His voice was bitter as he continued. “She wants a threesome. I should be jumping with joy, my girlfriend wants to fuck another girl and wants me to watch. And wants me to fuck her while another girl helps. I should be writing Penthouse.”
He made a grab for the whiskey bottle and Spike took his glass, poured him a small amount and handed it back. “And all I can feel is pain. I mean, if this was some other guy she wanted to sleep with, it’d be so clear, she’d never have suggested it. But it’s like she thinks this is just some big adventure or something for us as a couple. But it’s not Spike. This Tara isn’t just anybody, she’s somebody Willow loved and probably still does. And she can give Willow stuff I can’t, just like I can give Willow stuff she can’t. But what I won’t do is share her. I could get through this once. But what if Willow wants to do it again?” He threw his glass against the wall and watched it shatter into pieces. “I can’t fucking share her Spike, I just can’t.”
Spike stared at the spot on the wall. He’d have to do something about that later. “Xander, man you need to tell her this. You agreed to her idea, right?”
Xander nodded. “I thought it was what she wanted.”
“Well, Xan, I think you’re what Red wants. And if this is going to drive a wedge that deep between you, I doubt she’s going to go through with it.”
“I know that Spike. But is she going to resent me? Is she going to hate that I wouldn’t do this for her?”
“I don’t know the answer to that. If she’s loves you, and I think she does, she’ll understand. Have you told her about Anya?”
“Not directly, no.”
“Well maybe put it to her that way. Ask her if she’d be willing to let you sleep with your old girlfriend while she watched. I imagine it’ll seem a little different to her then. It doesn’t matter if Tara’s a boy or girl, Xan, what you’re worried about is the emotions. Just be straight with her about that and I think you’ll be able to work through it.”
Xander nodded. “Say she really wanted to talk things through with Buffy?”
“Yep, ruined a nice little afternoon we were having.”
Xander grinned for the first time since Spike had entered the room. “Well, that’s obvious.”
Spike frowned, “What are you talking about?”
“The bed head man, you’ve got it bad. Oh and your place reeks, you guys must have been going at it for hours.”
Spike smirked, “Kinda were. We talked though some stuff, long-term after graduation. We’re gonna try and make a go of it.”
“That’s great. You guys were meant for each other, I’m surprised it took you both so long to figure it out. Speaking of figuring things out, can I borrow your phone for a sec? I think I need to talk to my girlfriend.”
“Do you one better. I’ll give you a ride over and trade you in for my girlfriend.”
“Great. Sorry about the glass, Spike.”
“It’s not the first one to get broken, don’t worry about it.”
They rode over to the dorm and caught the door as a couple exited the building. As they approached the girls’ room, Xander seemed to grow increasingly nervous.
Spike grabbed his shoulder. “Xander, just tell her how you feel, how you really feel, okay?”
They knocked and Buffy opened the door, smiling when she saw who was outside.
“Willow, I think there’s someone here to see you.”
She launched herself off the bed and flung her arms around Xander’s neck. “Xander, I’m so glad you’re here. I’m sorry baby, I was so wrong. Can you forgive me? I’ve already e-mailed Tara, I told her all about you and how good things are for us. I don’t want to wreck that.”
Xander picked her up and carried the babbling Willow back into the room and Buffy exited into the hallway.
“So, home my luv?”
“Yes, please.”