Chapter 21: Revelations
Willow hummed under her breath as she booted up her computer. It had been a crazy week, two labs due and a big paper. At least things should calm down some between now and finals, she only had one or two other big things due before exam crunch time started.
She clicked her mail icon. She probably had tons of e-mail to catch up on, it had been a few days since she’d had time to even glance at her inbox. A flick of her wrist and the mouse danced as she sorted through various listservs, campus announcements, something from her mom, she’d skip that one, and wait . . . tmcclay@uoregon.edu. T. McClay. Tara.
Willow felt her heart give a little skip. Tara. She hadn’t seen Tara since they finished boarding school and she’d headed back to the States. She clicked on the message.
Willow,
Hey sweetie, how have you been? Long time, no chat. I know we said we’d keep in touch and I hate that we’ve drifted so far apart. I just ran into Amy and she mentioned you were back in Sunnydale and gave me your new e-mail. I’m going to a conference in San Francisco soon and I’ll have a free weekend while I’m down there. I’d love to see you, for old times sake. There’s never been anyone else quite like you. Let me know, I’ll be coming down in two weeks.
Love,
Tara
Willow swallowed hard. Tara . . . wanted to see her? Wanted to have coffee see her, or more than that? She re-read the e-mail. Okay, it could really be taken either way. Willow turned off the computer quickly and started to pace, wringing her hands. For just a minute she indulged in memories of Tara, her first, her only steady girlfriend.
In fact, though she’d played the field in her first few years of college and gained a lot of experience, she’d really only had two serious relationships, Tara and Xander. Willow let out a little yip. Xander. She was supposed to have dinner with him tonight and she was going to be late to meet him. She grabbed her keys and headed out the door.
_____________________________________________
Buffy tripped up the stairs happily. Who’d have ever guessed that she’d be looking forward to math tutoring? She giggled out loud. Well, okay, that wasn’t exactly what she was looking forward to, but she knew Spike was going to be proud of her when she showed him the test she’d finally gotten back in class today. She’d made the second highest grade in her section. Plus, she’d brought the leopard print nightie that she knew was going to drive him crazy. Maybe they could play Tarzan and Jane later.
She puttered around for a few minutes, picking up laundry, straightening a few books, aware on some level that she was really starting to think of his place as home. Or maybe it wasn’t so much this place as him that was becoming home to her. She opened his desk drawer and looked at the envelopes she knew he didn’t think she knew about, her heart swelling a little. Spike was so gifted, even though he’d never talk about it. When he was hanging out with their friends, rambling about mundane stuff, he seemed like such an ordinary guy. But she’d taken to chatting with Professor Link in the evenings when he was working on his roses, before Spike made it back from his lab, and she’d learned some things she’d never known about her boyfriend. Like that the research project he’d done under Link’s supervision was pretty ground-breaking stuff, even if it was only on lab rats. Not her thing at all, and Link had lost her a few times with his ramblings about the science behind it, unlike Spike when he’d explained it, but she’d gleaned enough to understand Spike was going places. She glanced at the early acceptance letters again. The question was where? He had his choice of med schools, some scholarship offers, probably would get more in the future.
But right now, they were all very far away. As in three thousand miles away. She really didn’t know how she was going to handle that when the time came. She certainly wasn’t going to tonight. He didn’t seem to have made a decision yet and until he did, worrying would do her no good. For all she knew, he’d want to end things once he graduated and that’s why he hadn’t talked about it. She felt a little twinge at that thought. Or maybe she’d wanted to move on before the end of the year was over, he didn’t have to be the only one ready to end things. After all, who really stayed with their first love?
Or maybe he’d want her to come with him? She swallowed hard and slammed the drawer, her thoughts spinning.
_____________________________________________
Spike opened the mailbox at the post office and sorted through the various credit card offers which plague college students the world over, a few fliers, something from the career services office, and then he stopped. An ordinary letter shaped envelope with a return address from the UCLA School of Medicine Admissions Office lay in his trembling hand.
He laid the other mail gently on the ground and stared at the envelope, his heart sinking. Small envelopes were never good. Small envelopes meant the kiss of death, the thank you but we can’t offer you a spot letter. And ever since the acceptance and scholarship offer from Duke had arrived, he’d known in his heart of hearts that he didn’t want to take it. He needed that spot at UCLA, needed to be close to her. It was like a whole new world had opened up to him when he’d found her at his apartment that night and he’d felt complete, felt truly loved for the first time. As much as he wanted the chance to go to a top school, he wasn’t sure he could stand being without her for months at a time anymore.
He knew she was still skittish, still scared about their relationship and he’d tried to keep the intensity of his feelings in check. Popping the question to her and hauling her off before she finished school would hurt them in the long run. Buffy needed to sort through this in her own way, he knew that in his head, but his heart screamed that time wouldn’t change anything. They were meant to be.
He turned his attention back to the letter. Somehow not opening it made it not real yet. Once it was open, he was left with two options he’d didn’t want to choose between. And he wasn’t sure what decision he’d make.
He threw the mail in his bag and stood up. Maybe he’d open it later. After he saw her tonight. Just one more night where he could pretend everything would work out.
He made it to the door of the campus post office, still in a daze, and nearly ran into Jonathan.
“Hey Spike, how are you doing?”
“Alright, how are you, man?”
Jonathan rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’d be better if they hadn’t had that snafu at UCLA. Man, I really thought they’d have had our letters out by now. Course you don’t have anything to worry about, you’re a shoo-in. But it’d be nice to know, for us borderline cases.”
Spike cocked his head to the side and contemplated the short man. “What are you talking about?”
“Didn’t you get the letter? That computer virus, the one that shut down the systems here a few weeks back? It got into their system big time and some hacker added another virus on the UCLA campus that piggybacked into their system. Totally ate all their data, admissions applications, everything. Didn’t you get the letter?”
“Haven’t sorted my mail yet today. I’ll have to check.”
“Yeah, you probably got one. Anyway, they’ve got the applications backed up somewhere, but the admissions decisions are gone. So they’re saying even the early acceptance candidates won’t find out until December at the earliest while they sort through it all again. So we’ve got to wait it out a few more weeks.”
Spike stared at Jonathan for a long minute, then spontaneously hugged him. “Thanks, man, you just made my day.”
Jonathan backed away slowly. That had been very non-Spike. Had he been drinking? “No problem. I’ll see you around.” He turned and fled the post office.
Spike hastily tore through his bag and pulled out the letter, ripping the envelope in his haste to pull the letter free. He scanned the contents rapidly, then pumped his fist in the air. It was all there. The virus, the delay. The reason for the little envelope. He still had a chance.
Spike threw the letter back in his bag and started for home and Buffy.
_____________________________________________
Angel mounted the stairs and knocked on the door. No answer. He pulled out his keys and turned the lock.
Buffy put down the brush and cocked her head as she heard a noise. Good, he was home, even a little early. She took a deep breath, trying to recover the happiness she’d felt earlier as she readjusted the straps and checked her lipstick one last time before turning to the door. She turned and threw open the door, posing seductively in the entrance.
“Hello, lover,” she announced, then froze with a small eep as she realized who was standing in front of her.
“Angel?” Her voice held confusion and shock. What was he doing here? And what was wrong with him? He looked like he’d been hit by a Mack truck.
“Angel, what’s the matter?”
“Buffy?” He looked at her blankly for a moment, almost as if unsure who she was. He didn’t even seem to notice her skimpy attire. Buffy looked at him hard again and made a decision. “Wait here.”
She darted back into the bathroom and grabbed the matching short robe she’d left there, throwing it on. Not much, but it would do. She reentered the main room and guided Angel over to the couch.
“Okay, talk. What’s wrong? Is your mom okay?”
He looked at her bleakly. “Cordy’s pregnant.”
Buffy frowned. Cordy? Cordy was dating that guy Wes, right? Why was Angel so down? And then the light bulb went off, her never confirmed suspicions about Cordelia and him gelling.
“It’s yours, isn’t it?”
Angel nodded. “Yeah, I think it is.”
“Oh Angel, how is she?”
He leaned back, his head against the sofa and closed his eyes. “Upset. Confused. Moody as hell. Angry.”
Buffy stared at him, a little bit of pity creeping into her heart. The thought had crossed her mind fleetingly now and then. What if the pill failed? What if she got pregnant? And while the prospect was a little scary, because she didn’t quite feel ready for motherhood, she couldn’t help feeling a little glowy at the thought of having Spike’s child. Someone special and unique and living proof of the way she felt for him. Contradictory much, Buffy? An hour ago she’d been thinking they might walk away from each other at the end of the year. But she knew that wouldn’t happen if she did get pregnant. She watched the pale face in front of her. Obviously not the case here.
“And Wes?”
Angel barely changed expression. “Wes was being quite the stand-up guy, offered to marry Cordy, make an honest woman of her when he thought it was his. Didn’t take it so well when she told him it was mine.” He shrugged. “They were on the rocks anyway. What we did, to you and him, wasn’t right. So I guess we’re paying now.”
He opened his eyes and stared straight into hers and for a moment she remembered the awe she’d felt when she first saw him, tall, strong, everything her little girl’s heart had wanted. And then she blinked and saw the tired, jaded man he’d become and all she could feel was pity. She patted him on the shoulder.
“Angel, is Cordy keeping the baby?”
“I don’t know.” And then to her surprise he started to cry and so she hugged him, letting him get it out.
Then the door opened. Spike was home.
_____________________________________________
He stared for a moment, a dizzying flash of deja vu rushing over him as the euphoria from the walk home evaporated in a heartbeat. Another day, another girl, the same opened door, her in the arms of another man. Him leaving, never really waiting for an explanation.
He came back to himself as he stared at Buffy on the sofa, wearing some sort of slinky scrap of silk that a corner of his mind told him was the gown she’d teased him about wearing so they could play Tarzan and Jane. And Angel, the big sod, was curled around her . . . wait. Was he crying?
Buffy met his eyes and frantically waved a free hand at him, motioning him over. And just like that he was okay. He didn’t know what the hell was going on here, but whatever it was, she was still his girl.
Spike seated himself on the other end of the couch and tapped Angel on the shoulder. “You okay, mate?”
Angel turned to Spike, trying to stop the tears now that the testosterone balance had shifted. Buffy handed him a tissue. “Spike, Angel came to talk to you about something serious. I think he’s looking for advice,” she supplied. “I’ll let you guys talk, I’m gonna go change.”
She slipped out of the room as Angel managed to get through the story again.
“Man, I know I shouldn’t even be here, but I really need your advice. You and Xander are the people I trust most, Spike. You’ll be straight with me. I don’t know what to do. Do I marry here? Do I tell her to get rid of it?”
Spike remained silent and Angel kept talking.
“I mean, it’s not like she’s some random chick I had a one-night stand with. It’s Cordy. We’re next-door neighbors. I’ve,” he looked away, “I’ve been sleeping with her on and off for years, Spike. She’s probably the closest to a steady I’ve ever had, though I don’t think either of us ever looked at it that way. More like friends with benefits you know? But I respect her. She’s, well she’s just Cordy.”
Spike gave him an appraising look. “Have you sat down and talked through this with Queen C?”
Angel shook his head. “No. I mean, she asked me to come by tonight. I didn’t know why, she’s been avoiding me because of Wes. He didn’t want her around me, I guess. But I’ve actually missed just talking to her, and I thought maybe we could patch things up, be friends again.” He looked away. “She told me first thing, I threw up and then I just left.”
Spike rolled his eyes. “Not the best move there, Ang.”
Buffy reentered the room. “Sorry to eavesdrop Angel, but is Cordy by herself right now?”
Angel looked up at her. “I guess . . . she was by herself when I left.”
Buffy gave Spike a pointed look. “Well, I don’t think this is a good time for her to be alone. I’m gonna go see her. Spike, can I borrow your car?”
He inwardly cringed at the thought of Buffy behind the wheel of his baby, but put on a brave face as he fished the keys out of his pocket. “I can drive you pet. I’m sure Angel can wait a minute.”
“That’s okay, honey, I won’t hurt your car, promise.”
Spike nodded, unconvinced. “Okay. You coming back tonight?”
“Mhmmm. I’ll be back later.” Then she was gone, leaving Spike to counsel Angel.
_____________________________________________
As Buffy descended the stairs, she punched the speed dial setting for Willow. This was a situation where she thought Cordy might need the company of two old friends.
_____________________________________________
Willow looked across the table at Xander, her throat and mouth dry no matter how many swallows of water she seemed to be taking. Did she mention it to him, just a casual sort of comment, like, “You’ll never believe who I heard from today?”
Or should she just not answer the e-mail? Of course that was silly. After all, Tara didn’t mean anything to her anymore, did she? She was someone she’d loved once, but now she loved Xander.
Except it wasn’t that simple. Willow grabbed her water glass and gulped another swallow. Xander watched as his girlfriend shifted nervously and attempted to consume a river.
“Willow, did your papers not go well?”
“No, they were fine.” She smiled at him. “Say, didn’t you say they were giving you a new project today?”
Xander nodded. He knew misdirection when he saw it, but clearly, whatever was bugging her wasn’t coming out. He decided to let it go. Whatever it was, Willow would probably blurt it out, given time. Not big with the secrets was his Willow, never had been good at keeping them. He launched in, “Yeah, well there’s this new . . .”
The chimes of a cell phone went off and Willow checked the caller ID. “Oh, it’s Buffy, mind if I take it?”
“Go ahead.” Xander dug back into his fries as Willow answered the call. He watched as her face grew pale.
“Oh Buffy, I can’t believe it. Is she sure? Yeah, I’ll meet you. I’m with Xander. I’ll tell him, he may want to head to Spike’s.” She closed the phone.
“Will, what happened?”
She filled him in quickly and they both sat for a minute contemplating what this meant for their friends.
“I’m going to meet Buffy. Angel’s at Spike’s, you ought to go by.”
Xander nodded. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”
They parted, each lost in thought at this turn of events.
_____________________________________________
Cordy looked up at the soft knock on her door, then decided to ignore it. She didn’t really want to see the smirks of her sisters as they patronizingly patted her on the back and offered advice. It was all a little raw yet for platitudes. The knock sounded again.
“Cordy, let us in. We know you’re in there,” Buffy’s voice sounded through the door.
Cordelia looked up again. If Buffy was anything, it was stubborn. She’d probably camp out in the hallway if she didn’t let her in. She uncurled herself off the bed and unlocked the door before throwing herself back on the bed. She heard the door open and shut, then felt the bed creak as someone sat down beside her and laid a hand on her shoulder.
“Cordy, talk to us. Angel came by Spike’s, he told us.”
Cordy rolled over. “What did he say?”
Buffy met her eyes. “That you’re pregnant, it’s his and he’s very confused.”
Cordelia sighed. “At least he’s not trying to deny it’s his.”
Willow chimed in from her perch at the end of the bed. “If you want to talk about it Cordy, we’re happy to just listen, or just be here if that’s what you want.”
Cordelia sighed and sat up, leaning back against the headboard. “I don’t know what to do. I’ve been so under the weather lately. Wes and I were trying to work things out you know. But it’s never been quite the same since he found out about Angel and I, and what we did. He couldn’t seem to let it go, and I kept overcompensating, trying to be the perfect girlfriend, everything he wanted, to try to make it up to him. So I’ve been pretty stressed lately and I though maybe that was the problem. But then I threw up yesterday, and then again this morning, so I went to the clinic. Dr. Walsh ordered a pregnancy test and once I started counting back, I realized it has been more than two months since I had my last period.”
Buffy looked at her directly. “And you were with Angel then.”
The statement hung in the air and Cordelia flushed, looking away. “Yeah. Only him. Buffy, I’m sorry.”
Buffy shook her head. “Cordy, don’t worry about it. You came clean, you helped me work through this thing with Spike, and I’m happy. I won’t say it didn’t hurt a little, but it’s in the past. I just want to help, okay? So no guilt here.”
Cordelia nodded. “Anyway, I’ve already let Wes know, He was trying to do the right thing, but I put him out of his misery. He doesn’t need to be the daddy to someone else’s baby. He was sweet about it, but I think he was relieved. I don’t know that we would have been together much longer, even if this hadn’t happened.”
“And Angel?”
“Puked his guts out in the trash can and left without a word. Guess that tells me all I need to know about where he stand on this.”
Willow looked at her. “So you want to have the baby?”
Tears welled up in Cordelia’s eyes. “Yes, no, I don’t know. It’s strange, it’s like the baby’s already someone to me, not just a thing. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how my parents will react. My mom will probably be so ashamed of what all her country club friends will think. I don’t know if I can finish school and still have the baby. I don’t know how I’m gonna be a single mom. And yet I still want to have her and . . . I don’t want to give her away. I want her to be mine.”
Buffy quirked an eyebrow. “Her?”
Cordy smiled for the first time. “Or him. I just already think the baby’s a her for some reason.”
“Cordy, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I don’t think I’d write Angel off just yet. He was pretty upset over at Spike’s, he was even crying. I think he’s just really confused, but based on what I heard, I think he does care.” She paused. “What would you want him to do? What role do you want him to play in the baby’s life?”
Cordelia shrugged. “I don’t know, Buffy. I don’t even know what I expected when I told him. Probably not quite the reaction that I got.”
“Do you want him to marry you, or just give you child support, or what? And what if he wants you to get rid of it?” Willow asked.
Cordelia bit her lip. “I don’t know. If he doesn’t want to be a part of this, that’s fine. He can’t stop me from having the baby if I want to. Child support would probably help. I haven’t told my folks yet and since it doesn’t fit the Chase image my mom’s so big on for me to be an unwed mother, they’ll probably push for me to get married. But will we hate each other if we do that, even if he’s willing? I don’t want to end up like them, all smiley and happy to the world and throwing dishes behind closed doors. So I don’t know that I even want him to ask.”
She got up off the bed and began to pace. “The baby will be due in June, so I’ll be fine this year. But how will I go to classes and stuff next year? And I obviously can’t live here anymore. And what if my parents cut off all the money and I can’t pay tuition?”
She flopped back down on the bed between her two friends. “What am I going to do? Is this stupid to even think about having this baby?” She nodded towards the nightstand. “I’m only about two months along. The pamphlets Dr. Walsh gave me say that if I want to have an abortion, it’s a lot easier right now. I can’t wait much longer.”
Buffy shook her head. “Cordy, we can give you pros and cons all night, but you pretty much know them all. It’s something only you can decide. But we’re here and we’ll support you, whatever you want to do.”
Cordelia burst into tears again and Willow and Buffy exchanged glances, unsure what to do until Cordelia pulled them both into a group hug. “Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it.” She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “And don’t mind the tears, I’m just a little overemotional right now. Hormones, I guess.”
“Tell you what, why don’t we just have a slumber party tonight? We’ll crash, you can give me a makeover again, like you did before we started seventh grade. We’ll just hang tonight.”
Cordy nodded gratefully. “You guys really want to stay?” As the other girls readily agreed, she sighed. “That’d be good. I don’t really think I’m ready to alone with this quite as much as I thought I was.”
Buffy pulled out her phone. “I just need to let Spike know.”
Willow laughed. “Buffy, I know it’s usually the other way around, and I know it’s mutual, cause I saw Spike let you drive his car over here, but you are so whipped.”
Buffy waved her off.
“Oh and can you tell Xan I’m staying too?”
Buffy laughed. “Sure, Ms. Independent.”
_____________________________________________
Buffy pulled the car into the drive and set the parking brake, breathing a sigh of relief. She was pretty sure Spike loved her more than the car, but she didn’t really want to test that theory. She glanced at her watch. 7:30AM. He was probably still here. She opened the door and found him at his computer.
“Hey honey, I’m home.” She dangled the keys. “Here you go, safe and sound.” She crossed the room and draped herself over his shoulders as she planted kisses down the side of his neck. “So much for a night together, huh?”
He saved the paper he’d been working on and pulled her around to his lap. “Yep. Don’t think I don’t want to see that outfit again though, kitten. Course you nearly gave me heart failure when I came through the door and saw you and Angel.”
She nuzzled against him, feeling the familiar contentment she always seemed to get when he held her, especially after the drama of the last night. “Yeah, I saw the look on your face, thanks for not making a scene.”
“I trust you, luv, just brought back some bad memories. And reminded me that I need to get that key back from Angel. Man clearly has no idea of personal space and I don’t want him busting in here on you again like that.”
Buffy giggled. “You know the funny thing? I don’t even think he noticed. I don’t know that I’ve ever seem him so out of it. How did things go? What did he decide?” She began to plant small kisses down the side of his neck again as she wiggled closer.
“Mmmm, I like that.”
“Spike, talk, or I’ll stop.”
He tried to focus on something besides the building lust she was creating with each brush of her lips and tongue along the sensitive skin of his neck. “Umm, right, yeah. I don’t know. He’s shook up and if it was anyone but Cordy, I think he’d probably figure out if it was really his, offer to pay for an abortion and walk away. But that’s the thing, he never once questioned that it was his, and he just kept saying he wished he hadn’t done this to her. A very non-Angelic reaction, ironic as that is.”
He arched his neck further as she slid his hand under his shirt and lightly ran her nails over his abs. She stilled as he stopped talking and he hastened to continue. “So anyway, turns out he and Cordy go way back, been carrying on for years. Did you girls know about that?”
Buffy shook her head as she moved to tease his earlobe. He shuddered as she sucked lightly before nipping the soft flesh. “Neither did Xan and I. I suppose it must be all that history, but he’s clearly got a soft spot for Queen C and I’ll think he’ll come round. He just needs time for it to sink in. Enough about them. Golidlocks, I think we have better things to do right now.”
Buffy laughed as he carried her back to the bed. “I thought you’d never get the hint.”
_____________________________________________
Willow opened her e-mail again. It was still there. She’d shoved it aside during the time with Cordy, but here is was, staring at her in bold letters, demanding to be answered. She shut the computer down. She had to talk with Xander about this. If she just met Tara and he found out, he’d be hurt. Willow grabbed her bag. She’d tell him tonight. She just hoped he’d be cool with it. Maybe she could invite him to come as well. That could be a little awkward, but it definitely make sure that nothing happened with Tara. Or would it? Her mind suddenly went to a naughty place as she imagined Xander and Tara together with her. She locked the door and started down the hall. Within such thoughts lay badness and she wasn’t going to go there.