Part 3
Buffy knocked hesitantly on Riley’s door. When the door opened, Buffy smiled at Riley. His hair was rumpled, and he only wore a pair of seats. It was clear that he had just woken up.
“Can we talk?” Buffy asked.
“Sure, come in,” Riley offered.
He opened the door wider, and Buffy walked into his room. Riley quickly grabbed a shirt, and pulled it over his head.
“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting company,” Riley apologized. “Please, sit.”
Buffy sat on the edge of Riley’s bed. She picked at the comforter as she gathered her courage to speak. After the encounter with Spike last night, Buffy had walked Riley home in silence, but now she had some explaining to do.
“I owe you an explanation,” Buffy began.
Riley sat next to her on the bed, and Buffy continued, “Last year was very confusing, and hard for me. I had to adjust to a lot of changes all at once. I was in college, and for the first time in three years, Angel wasn’t there to watch out for me. My friends, who had always been this stable supporting constant, were scattered, and part of that was my fault. I pushed them away, and threw myself into college life. Mostly it was to forget the past, to forget Angel. Our past was so painful, that I couldn’t get over it, so I pushed it away, buried it, and tried forget every last detail of it. The problem was that the past made me who I was. It formed me, and changed me, and I forgot it, and tried to reinvent myself into a person who was perfect, and happy, and normal.”
Buffy paused and took a deep breath before forging ahead again. “To top that off Faith came to town, and turned my life upside down, and the whole Adam thing put even more strain on my already tumultuous life. Anyway, the point is that at the end of it all I didn’t know who I was.”
“Buffy you don’t have to explain last year. We got past that, I thought?”
“We did, Riley, but last year directly influenced the choices I made this summer. There’s no easy way to say this Riley, but there was another guy.”
Buffy stopped, and looked at Riley to gauge his reaction. Riley took a deep breath, and shock, and hurt was evident on his face.
“Wow. I mean I thought it, but hearing you say it is a shock.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I could say it was a mistake, but it wasn’t.”
“What?” Riley asked completely blown away by her non-apology.
“He helped me realize who I was. He made me realize that I couldn’t change the past, and run from it. He brought back the Buffy that was gone all last year. I’m stronger now, more confident, more stable, and a better person, but Riley it’s over. It was never meant to last. It was just what I needed at that moment.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m sorry. I really am, but the reason I’m saying all this is because I want to be with you.”
“This guy dumped you, and I’m your second choice?” Riley shouted finally recovering from the shock.
“No, it was never suppose to last. I just wanted to heal, and he was the only one who could heal me.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” Buffy apologized again.
“Stop apologizing,” Riley shouted.
“Sorry,” Buffy mumbled.
Riley glared at her, and then they both erupted into laughter. When they quiet down, Riley turned serious. “Who was he?” Riley asked.
“It’s not important,” Buffy answered looking away from Riley’s intense gaze.
“Just please tell me it wasn’t Angel,” Riley begged.
“I swear it wasn’t Angel. I talked to him once over the phone this summer. He asked to borrow one of Giles’ books. Cordelia came and got it.”
“Okay, I believe you. Do you really want to be with me?” Riley asked still a little insecure.
“Yes, I want to be with you. I know I’ve been a little off lately, but I needed a little time to adjust. To know that it was okay to be who I am around you, and that’s why I’m telling you all of this, so we can move on,” Buffy answered almost convincing herself of it.
Riley reached over, and pulled Buffy into a hug. Buffy pushed comparisons to Spike out of her mind. Riley was the future. Spike was the past. He made that clear last night.
~~~
Buffy walked into her house, and was greeted by silence, which meant Spike was still sleeping. The sun had just set, and Spike usually slept just after sunrise, and just before sunset. The rest of the day, he spent watching TV, or reading, or eating, or doing anything to entertain himself when Buffy wasn’t there. When Buffy was there, well he was kept very entertained.
Buffy walked into the kitchen, and opened the refrigerator. She scanned its contents looking for something, but not knowing exactly what.
“How was the beach?” Spike asked from the kitchen’s doorway.
Buffy looked up, and smiled. “Sunny. Look I got a nice tan going on now.”
Buffy held her arm out to Spike. He grabbed her arm, and pulled her to him. Spike kissed her neck, and whispered in her ear, “I missed you.”
Buffy’s knees got weak as his cool lips tickled the burning flesh of her neck. “I wish you could have come with me.”
Spike pulled away from her, and leaned against the wall. “Pesky sun, you know?”
Buffy rolled her eyes, and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. She pulled out another one, and offered it to Spike.
“Water?” she asked.
“Blood?”
Buffy wrinkled her nose, but threw him a blood packet. Spike vamped out, and ripped into the bag. Buffy just shook her head, and took a long drink of her water. The ringing of the telephone interrupted them. Buffy reached across the counter, and grabbed the phone off the wall.
“Hello,” she said into the receiver.
Buffy’s body instantly became tense. “Hey Angel.”
Spike immediately froze at the mention of his sire’s name. Buffy looked at him with worry etched on her face.
“Everything’s fine, you?” Buffy replied into the phone still looking at Spike.
Spike set his blood down, and started to walk out of the kitchen. He didn’t want to, but knew he should leave Buffy alone to talk to Angel. To talk to her true love he thought bitterly. As he walked by Buffy towards the door, she grabbed his arm keeping him in the kitchen.
“Yeah. No problem. I’ll get the book tonight,” Buffy said.
Buffy looked up at Spike as Angel talked to her on the other end of the phone. She was barely listening to him, as she searched Spike’s eyes for reassurance. She was met with glowing yellow eyes filled with hatred, and pain. Buffy knew it wasn’t about her, but rather about Angel.
Buffy used her free hand to caress the ridges over Spike’s eyes. Spike turned his head into her touch, and sighed as the ridges slipped away revealing the smooth, sculpted contours of his face. Buffy saw the yellow melt into blue, and the anger dissipated into confusion.
“Okay, I’ll be expecting her tomorrow morning then.”
Spike lifted his eyebrow questioningly. This conversation seemed odd to him. He had no idea what it was about, but it seemed to not be about either of them, or their relationship.
Buffy continued to stroke Spike face as she listened to Angel on the other end of the phone. Her eyes never left his, and Spike became aware that in the depths of her eyes past the pain, sadness, confusion, and love for Angel, there was genuine concern, and caring for him.
“I know Angel. I’m okay. Things are really good right now,” Buffy said adding that last part more for Spike than for Angel.
Spike smiled to himself at her words. He kissed her forehead, and rested his hands lightly on her waist.
“Take care of yourself, Angel.”
Buffy hung up the phone, and leaned her head against Spike’s chest. Spike wrapped his arms tighter around her waist, and held her to him.
“It still hurts, doesn’t it?” Spike asked quietly. Buffy nodded into his chest, and pulled him tighter against her body. Spike lifted his hand to caress her hair. “It’ll be all right, baby,” he reassured her.
Buffy lifted her head off his chest, and looked at him. Spike could see the tears in the corners of her eyes threatening to fall. Spike gently wiped the unshed tears from her eyes.
“It’s okay, you can cry.”
That did it. All of a sudden Buffy couldn’t control the tears, and they came pouring out. Spike held her as she continued to cry for a long time. As her tears began to subside, Buffy pulled away from Spike.
“Thanks,” she mumbled. Spike just nodded, and continued to stare at her trying to figure out what came next.
“You know, I cried like crazy the night he dumped me, but after that, I never cried again. Sure I thought about Angel, and I would get sad, but I was so focused on moving on, and not dwelling on it. I just bottled it up, all the hurt, anger, sadness, and never let myself get depressed about it for more than a few minutes. I was so afraid that if I let myself feel anything, I would slip into Angel mopiness, and once I was there, I would never recover.”
“You can’t ignore it, Buffy. You’ll never move on if you don’t let yourself mourn the past.”
“I know that now.”
“And?” Spike asked.
“I miss Angel,” Buffy whispered, as her tears start to fall again. “I loved him, and he left me. He didn’t give me a choice.”
Spike pulled Buffy into his arms again, and whispered to her, “Let it out. Just let it all out.”
Spike spent the rest of the night listening to Buffy talk about Angel. She cried, she yelled, she smiled, and she laughed. By the end of it all, Buffy was finally able to let Angel go.