Chapter 5: Twisting Paths
“…Tell me why the road keeps turning/When everything you want is straight ahead/And everything I thought worth learning/is forgotten when I see your face instead/I know why the heart gets lonely/Everytime you give your love away/And if you think that you are only/A shadow in the wind/Blowin’ ‘round but when/You let somebody in/they might fade away…” Sheryl Crow, “I Know Why”
Dinner was a revelation. If Buffy had believed Spike incapable of being integrated into her life, it was eating out that put that fear to rest. Maybe it shouldn’t have been such a big deal, but it had been so long since Buffy had been out to a nice restaurant with anyone, let alone the guy she was sleeping with.
Okay, so maybe she wasn’t in love with Spike, but after dinner out, Buffy was starting to think that she might just be a little in like with him.
It was the way that Spike pulled her chair out for her without any hesitation. It was the way he ordered a huge meal for her when she was ready to just get a salad. It was in the way he teased Dawn and made her laugh, and in the way his sly grin had Buffy smiling too as he stole bits of food off of Dawn’s plate.
With Spike there, Buffy felt as though her rough edges were smoother. It was somehow easier to smile, to laugh, to talk with her sister. Spike provided a buffer between her and the rest of the world that eased her way.
And when Buffy and Dawn had eaten so much they could hardly move, Spike paid the bill in cash. The Slayer decided that she probably didn’t want to know where the money had come from. There were times when it was better to remain ignorant.
Spike walked them home like the gentleman he wasn’t. Or maybe he was. Buffy wasn’t so sure anymore. “You goin’ on patrol?” he asked once they’d reached the front door.
“I don’t know,” Buffy said. “Dawn—”
“I’m good,” Dawn said quickly. “You guys should go patrol.” She smelled a romance brewing, and she wasn’t sure there was anything she wanted more. Dawn had felt as though she had a family again tonight. She wanted to keep it that way.
Spike tilted his head, waiting for Buffy’s decision. “So?”
She hesitated only another moment. “Sure. Let’s go.”
~~~~~
They did patrol. They even managed to dust a few vampires. And then they went back to Spike’s crypt where they tried out his bed.
It was fundamentally different, if only because it wasn’t nearly as impulsive on either side. Granted, they hadn’t really been able to keep their hands off one another while walking the cemeteries, but Spike had asked Buffy to come back to his place, and she had agreed, and then they had waited.
Not very long, but they had waited. It felt more like a date than something that was purely sex.
That was probably why, when Buffy laid back against Spike’s rumpled sheets, she couldn’t help but stare at him. Here was this guy she was sleeping with, and she was beginning to wonder if he wasn’t really a stranger in familiar clothing.
“Do I have somethin’ on my face?” he joked, sounding a little nervous under her scrutiny.
Buffy shook her head. “I just don’t know you.”
Spike’s expression turned puzzled, with just a touch of hurt. “I’ve never hidden who I am.”
“No, not that,” Buffy replied, frustrated that she couldn’t find the right words. She could never find the right words. She was action-girl, but action wasn’t helping her case. Her actions could be interpreted in any of a dozen different ways. “You have so many—what do they call them—faces?”
Spike frowned, and he decided to take a stab at interpreting the Slayer’s meaning. “Facets?”
“That’s it.” Buffy shook her head. “You have all these sides, and sometimes I feel like I don’t know who you are at all.”
“I’m not that complicated,” Spike replied. “Not much of me to figure out.”
“No.” Her hand traced circles on his chest unconsciously. “It’s not that simple. I used to think it was, but it’s not.”
Spike was uncertain about where she was going with this line of conversation. “That a bad thing?”
“I don’t think so.” She met his eyes. “Do you really think you can fit in my world, Spike?”
The way Buffy asked the question, Spike realized that she was seriously considering the idea. As if it had finally occurred to her that he belonged there. “What do you want me to say, Buffy?”
“I want you to tell me the truth.”
“The truth is that I love you enough to try, but I’m not the only one in this relationship.”
“Then what do you want?”
It was her tone that caused Spike to think that he might be able to risk honesty with her. She sounded as though she wanted to know. “I want you to try. I want you to treat me like a man, like I mean something to you, even if you don’t love me.”
He wasn’t asking for very much, and Buffy knew it. Spike could have demanded that she make him promises, that she tell him how she really felt, that she tell all her friends about them.
Spike asked for no more than he deserved.
“You mean something.” Buffy touched his cheek. “I wish I could tell you.”
Spike’s eyes glowed, a flame kindling. “You don’t have to.”
He bent to taste her, worshipping her body.
For the first time, Buffy accepted his adoration. She caught a glimpse of how he saw her, and she saw a bit of heaven. It scared her to death.
And it warmed her to the core.
~~~~~
Tara took a deep breath before knocking. She knew no one ever knocked on Spike’s door, but she felt odd not giving him some kind of a warning before barging in.
Not least because she wasn’t sure whether or not Buffy would be there in the middle of the afternoon.
She wasn’t really sure what she was doing at his crypt. It wasn’t like she had a plan for what to say, only that it had been months since she had seen him, and that seemed—wrong, somehow. Tara had seen him nearly every day over the summer, even if it was only to catch a glimpse of him. She didn’t like the idea of him being so completely excluded from the group. The further out he was, the less likely he would be able to offer Buffy what she needed.
Of course, how Tara was going to convince him of that…
“ Tara ?” Spike’s face betrayed his surprise. “What are you doin’ here, pet?”
“I-I came t-to t-t-talk to you.” In spite of her shudder, Tara was standing up straight, her shoulders back.
A smile touched his lips. “Sure, why not?” he muttered. “Come on in.” Spike gave her a sly smile. “I don’t bite.”
“At least, not me,” Tara responded, with a smug smile of her own.
Spike stared at her, and then gave an appreciative chuckle. “So she told you, did she?”
“She told me.” Tara regarded him calmly. “What are you going to do?”
“What do you think I’m goin’ to do?” Spike challenged. “It’s Buffy. I’m goin’ to do whatever it takes.”
Tara wasn’t ready to back down. “What if it’s not you she needs, Spike? What if you’re not good for her?”
She could see the struggle in his eyes. It gave her hope, because it meant that Spike really did love her. He really did want the best for Buffy.
But he wanted her , too.
“Dunno,” he finally said. “I wish I could say I’d give her up, walk away for her own good, if that’s what she needed, but ‘m weak.” Spike’s jaw tightened. “An’ she needs me, Glinda.”
“I believe she does.”
Those four words left a stunned silence in their wake. Spike’s eyebrow went straight up. “You were testin’ me,” he accused.
Tara smiled. “I had to know,” she said simply. “Buffy is going to need an ally. I think you might end up needing one as well.” Her eyes were direct, but they held a gentleness that Spike had rarely seen directed towards him. “I would support Buffy’s decision because it’s hers, but I wanted to know if I was going to have to pick up the pieces later.”
“You might,” Spike replied. “I’m not perfect.” He grinned. “Damn near, but not perfect.”
“But you love her.”
“More than anything,” Spike said seriously. “I’d never hurt her on purpose, Tara . You know that.”
“I do.” She sighed. “I would help Buffy no matter what, but I feel as though I owe her for…”
“Red—”
“I knew better.” Tara said it flatly. “When Dawn came to us wanting to resurrect Mrs. Summers, I told her no, and I gave her a number of reasons for it. Messing with those kinds of forces goes against everything I believe, and I let Willow talk me into it.”
Their eyes met, and a shared understanding passed between them. What had been done could not, and should not, be undone, but they could help to ameliorate the effects. “So you got any good advice?” Spike asked.
“Yes, I do,” Tara replied. “You’re going to have to do everything right, Spike. Most people can afford to make mistakes. You can’t. If you force Buffy to choose between you and her duty, it could destroy her. You’re the only one she trusts right now.”
Spike looked down at the ground, then back up, taking a deep breath. “Right. So where do I start?”
Tara just shook her head. “It’s not where you start, Spike. It’s where you end up.” She shrugged. “I just wanted to tell you that if you ever need to talk, or if you need to double-check something, you can always come to me.”
Spike nodded slowly. “You’re good people, Glinda. You know that?” He smiled when she flushed. “I do have something I want to run by you.”
Tara was a little surprised to be taken up on her offer so soon, but the conversation had gone so well up to this point that she didn’t think it could hurt. “Shoot.”
“I’ve got a plan to get Buffy some money.”
~~~~~
“I think we should have Tara and Spike over for Christmas.”
The suggestion came out of the blue, and Buffy’s head shot up. Thankfully, she hadn’t been forced to cook, since they still had leftovers from the restaurant the previous night which were just as good the second time around. The Slayer was fairly sure that she should be able to cook. How hard was it to follow a recipe, after all? Even so, she burned two out of three meals, and the rest just didn’t taste right.
Of course, food in general just didn’t taste right since she’d come back. It was one of the reasons that she wasn’t eating much these days.
“Dawn, I don’t—”
“Why can’t we?” Dawn asked stubbornly. “They’re part of our family, too.”
“ Willow and Xander will probably be here,” Buffy reminded her gently. “I’m just not sure that it’s a good idea.”
“Why should Tara and Spike have to be alone for Christmas just because Xander and Willow are being stupid?” Dawn demanded. “It’s half my house, and so it should be half my holiday. I want to invite them.”
Buffy sighed, putting her head in her hands. “I don’t want a big fight over this, Dawnie. You know what will happen if we invite everyone.”
“So because Tara and Spike didn’t do anything wrong, they get the shaft?” The teen’s arms were crossed in front of her chest, and she tossed her hair impatiently. “Besides, Willow ‘s Jewish. She shouldn’t be celebrating Christmas anyway.”
Buffy took a deep breath. “Dawn—”
“Why can’t we have them for Christmas Eve at least?” Dawn pleaded, suddenly dropping the stubborn, bratty little sister act. She’d perfected the technique on Spike over the summer. Ask for something you knew you’d never get first, act like you’re not backing down, and then ask for a reasonable alternative.
It looked like it might work on Buffy, because her sister was definitely softening. “I don’t know, Dawnie. I’m not sure that Christmas is going to be very cheerful around here this year.”
Dawn swallowed hard. “But, Buffy, it’s the first Christmas since Mom—please. Even if it’s not much, I just want Tara and Spike here. They took care of me, and I hate that they’ll be by themselves.”
“Christmas Day,” Buffy said decidedly. “Mom always had guests over on Christmas Eve, and I’m guessing that Xander and the others will want to come over that night.” She made a face. “We’ll figure something out, food-wise, but Christmas you can ask Spike and Tara over.”
Sensing a chink in her sister’s armor, Dawn pressed, “You could have Spike stay over on Christmas Eve. That way he’d be here in the morning, and he wouldn’t have to worry about the sunlight.”
Buffy opened her mouth to give an unequivocal no, and then stopped. Why shouldn’t she ask Spike to join them? He wasn’t actively fighting with her friends these days. They were capable of tolerating each other for a few hours. Besides, if anybody complained about his presence, Buffy would just blame Dawn and her need to have everyone there to try and fill the void Joyce’s absence left.
Not that it would ever be filled, but they could gloss over the hole for a little while.
“I’ll think about it.”
Dawn beamed. She was halfway there already.
~~~~~
“What are we doing for Christmas, Xander?” Anya asked.
Xander frowned. “We’re spending Christmas with Buffy.” It was what they always did, or at least what he’d been doing for the last couple of years.
Anya held in a sigh. She’d been reading about marriage in her bridal magazines. The December issues talked about how every couple should create their own traditions, and Anya was fairly certain that they didn’t have any. Well, there was the Naughty Nurse outfit. There was some tradition there, but that was about it.
Somehow, she was fairly certain that wasn’t what the magazines were talking about.
“Maybe we should do something different,” Anya suggested. “We don’t have our own traditions, Xander. Couples should have traditions. It brings them closer together.”
Xander had no idea where this was coming from. If he had to hazard a guess, he’d say it was Anya’s magazines that she seemed to like so much. “Anya, we do have a tradition. We spend Christmas with Buffy.”
“It’s always Buffy,” Anya said. “Or Willow. What about us , Xander? What about putting our relationship first?”
“Buffy’s like family, An ,” Xander explained. “You spend Christmas with family.”
“You spend Christmas with the people you love most,” Anya persisted. “We’re going to be a family.”
It was the fact that Anya’s voice held a hint of hurt that had Xander thinking he might need to make a concession. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” Anya replied. Then, giving it some thought, she suggested, “Why couldn’t we take a trip? Just a few days with just the two of us.” It sounded like the perfect way to spend the holiday. Away from Sunnydale, from the Hellmouth, from the Slayer and Xander’s friends. Anya was tired of continually feeling as though she had to take second place to whatever new emergency came up.
She was tired of Xander choosing to spend time with anyone but her. He came to her for sex and nothing else.
“Where would we go?” he asked, starting to think about it. If they took a trip, he wouldn’t have to make the obligatory visit to his parents’ place. He wouldn’t have to think about the fact that if they hadn’t pulled Buffy out of heaven, she would be happy right now. In fact, Xander wouldn’t have to think about Willow and her disturbing disregard for the decisions of others, or work, or any of the other thousand little things that plagued him on a daily basis.
Not to mention the fact that the opportunity to get away from the Hellmouth sounded nice.
“Maybe San Francisco ?” Anya suggested hopefully. “I’ve been doing a lot of reading, and that sounds like our best option. I have a friend who can get us flights and hotel rooms very inexpensively.”
Xander considered it for a moment, and then decided that they ought to do it. Maybe a little alone time with Anya was exactly what he needed. They could reconnect, and he could set aside those niggling little fears that Sweet had made him sing about.
Maybe it would be just the thing to help him make the right decision for both of them. “Okay, An. Let’s do it.”
Anya hugged him hard, and then kissed him, showing Xander her appreciation. She figured it never hurt to use a little positive reinforcement.
This trip would be exactly what they needed.