Chapter 15: Letting Go
“This doubt is screaming in my face/In this familiar place,/Sheltered and concealed/And if this night won’t let me rest/Don’t let me second guess/What I know to be real/Put away all that I know for tonight/And maybe I just might/Learn to let it go/Take my security from me/And maybe finally I won’t have to know everything./I am falling into grace/To the unknown/To where you are/And faith makes everybody scared/It’s the unknown, the don’t-know/That keeps me hanging on to you…” Lifehouse , “Unknown”
Anya had to go to the restricted section for the book she wanted. Tara and Buffy both eyed the dusty tome askance. “I don’t think we need dark magic, Anya.”
“This isn’t dark magic,” Anya replied, sounding a little irritated by their challenge of her expertise. “This is a book that’s better not left out where anyone can get it. There is a difference.”
Tara took the book from her, running her hands over the embossed lettering on the cover. “I don’t understand Latin.”
“We might have to call Giles for that,” Anya admitted. “But I’ve seen this counter spell work. It’s not always successful, but we’ve got a shot anyway.”
Buffy stared at the book in curiosity. “What kind of a ritual is it?”
“A difficult one,” Anya replied. “It requires someone who has never practiced black magic or spilled innocent blood to break the curse.”
Tara winced. “I can’t do that ritual. The resurrection spell …”
Anya gave Buffy a sharp look. “You don’t have to be a powerful witch to cast the spell. You just have to love the person you’re trying to save.”
Buffy was silent, not knowing quite what to say to that. “How did you know about this?”
“Oh, a few people tried it with the men I cursed as a vengeance demon,” Anya said blithely.
“Did it work?” Tara asked.
Anya shrugged. “Once. You’d be surprised at how many people don’t trust the people they love.”
“What does that have to do with the ritual?” Buffy asked.
“The person involved has to make a gesture of trust,” Anya replied. “A big one. It varies with the people involved. I think the time that it did work, it required the woman to tell the man that she was about ten years older than he thought she was. She’d been afraid that he wouldn’t love her anymore if he knew.”
“What happened?” Tara asked.
Anya sighed, her eyes dark with memories. “She reversed the curse, he left her, and she killed herself. It wasn’t pleasant. Of course, the woman’s sister called me to get vengeance on him, so I made sure the second curse stuck.”
Buffy was staring at the book, deep in thought. “Anya, would you call Giles and tell him what’s going on? See if he can translate the spell. Since this isn’t a sure thing, we need to have some kind of a backup plan.”
“What about asking Willow to do it?” Anya asked. “That’s the surest way to have a curse removed that I know of.”
Buffy shook her head. “I can’t. I’m too angry with her right now. I’ll probably end up saying something that I’ll regret, and make things worse.”
“Why don’t I ask her?” Tara asked. “She might listen to me.”
Buffy frowned. “You don’t have to do that, Tara .”
“I probably have the best chance of anybody,” Tara pointed out reasonably. “Besides, like I said, Spike is my friend. I’d like to try. Maybe Willow will see reason.”
Buffy nodded slowly. “Okay, but be careful. This thing—we don’t know what she’s thinking.”
Anya raised her eyebrows. “Isn’t that obvious? Willow ‘s thinking what she always thinks: that she knows best.”
~~~~~
Spike lay in Buffy’s bed, staring at the ceiling. He was still trying to figure out what the hell had happened to his plans. Not that they didn’t get all shot to hell on a regular basis, but this time things had been going so well. Buffy was coming around, his relationship with Dawn was good, he had a new place, and he’d managed to successfully solve Buffy’s money problems.
It only made sense that something or someone would come along and cock everything up.
He felt like a complete git for needing to be rescued. Sure, Buffy was the Slayer, but she had enough on her plate to worry about. He’d been trying to minimize her problems, not create new ones for her to solve. Instead, he’d ended up right in the middle of a mess again, and right before her birthday, too.
Spike couldn’t go after Willow because of the chip, and he couldn’t fight the entire demon population of Sunnydale, much as he might like to. He couldn’t remove the curse by himself. In short, he was stuck, dependent on Buffy to clean this mess up.
On the other hand, maybe that was the way it should be, since it was her friend that had caused the trouble in the first place.
“Spike?”
He hadn’t even noticed Dawn’s soft knock, and he turned his head to look at her, standing in the doorway, eyeing him with concern. “Are you okay?”
“Fine, Bit.”
Once Dawn saw that Spike was awake and dressed, she entered the room. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” he replied, modulating his tone. It wouldn’t do to upset the girl. It certainly wasn’t Dawn’s fault that he’d had a rough few days.
She watched him carefully. “Would you help me with my homework?”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “It’s Saturday, Niblet . I thought you didn’t do homework on Saturdays.”
“Well, it has to be done,” she replied. “Plus, it’s Spanish. I figured you could help me with that, and since you’re here…”
“And can’t go anywhere else?” Spike asked, a bitter note in his voice that he couldn’t hide.
Dawn sat next to him on the bed. “It sucks, doesn’t it? Not being able to save yourself, I mean.”
Startled, Spike met her eyes. “Dawn—”
“I get that, you know,” she said. “I mean, I know how much Buffy hates having to get me out of trouble all the time, but it never feels like I have a choice.”
“No, it doesn’t,” he agreed.
“It would be nice to be the strong one for once, so Buffy didn’t have to worry about me,” Dawn commented.
Spike sighed. “Yeah, it would at that.”
“So will you help me with my Spanish homework?”
“Yeah, pet. Let’s take a look at it.”
~~~~~
Buffy stopped by Xander’s place on her way back to her own house. She wanted to check on him and make sure he was okay before she did anything else. There was no answer to her knock, and she frowned. It was Saturday, and while Xander did occasionally have to work on the weekends, this was a slow time of the year for him.
She knocked again, a little louder this time. “Xander! Come on, it’s Buffy. I know what happened.”
After a few moments, the door swung open. Buffy watched as Xander immediately retreated from the doorway, not even stopping to ask her to come in. “Are you okay?” she asked, entering and closing the door behind her.
“Why? What did Anya tell you?”
“She said that you guys broke up.” Buffy paused. “She seemed pretty upset.”
Xander looked away from her. “We didn’t break up. At least, I didn’t break up with her. I said I wanted to wait to get married, and she said either we went through with it or we broke up.”
“I see.” Buffy watched him, seeing the telltale signs of a drinking binge. It concerned her. “Is this really what you wanted?”
“I don’t know!” he burst out. “I love her, Buffy. I just don’t know if I’m ready to get married, and I don’t know if Anya’s the right woman. How do you know? How do you really know if you’re ready?”
Buffy was certain that she wasn’t the right person to be asking. “I don’t know, Xan . That’s never been a question I’ve had to answer.”
“And you!” he said, going on as if she hadn’t spoken. At this point, Buffy knew he was still drunk. Probably very drunk. “You’re with Spike .”
Buffy didn’t know how to answer that. She had a feeling that Xander wouldn’t take her explanation very well, not when he was still inebriated. “Yes, I am, Xander. But that doesn’t have anything to do with you and Anya.”
“How could you do it, Buffy?” Xander demanded. “How could you be with another vampire after what Angel did? That’s where it all changed. That’s when it went bad, and you—”
“I’m with Spike because he makes me happy, Xander,” Buffy replied firmly, rising to leave. “I feel better about being alive when I’m with him. I’m with him because I think he might be better for being around me, and I think I’m a better person when I’m around him. Maybe that’s what you should think about when you try to figure out if you want to be with Anya.”
Xander shook his head. “Why would it be Spike?”
Buffy sighed. “I don’t know. I could ask you why it would be Anya.”
Xander watched as she left, some of her words sinking into his alcohol-muddled mind. He wanted Buffy to be happy; he just hated that it was Spike that would do it for her. There was still a small part of him that wanted to be that guy for Buffy. Not that he was in love with her, but she was the golden girl. Xander thought he might always wish he could be the guy that got that sort of girl.
It was just so much worse that Buffy always seemed to pick vampires. It twisted him up on the inside, and at the same time, Xander just wanted Buffy to be happy that she was back.
His eyes closed slowly as he went over the conundrum in his mind again and again. Xander couldn’t see any way out of actually supporting Buffy’s decision, even if it was only with his silence.
Thinking about Buffy’s choice of boyfriends was better than thinking about the mess he’d made of his own life.
~~~~~
Tara was a little nervous about seeing Willow again, especially with all that was happening. She couldn’t understand what had happened to the sweet girl she’d fallen in love with. They had all changed over the last few years, of course, but Willow seemed to have changed most of all.
Or perhaps she hadn’t. Maybe this part of Willow had been there the whole time.
Buffy was her friend, though, as was Spike. Tara felt like she owed it to both of them to ask Willow to lift the curse she’d placed on the vampire. She just hoped that she could convince Willow that Buffy needed to be able to make her own decisions about who to date.
After a split second’s hesitation, Tara knocked on Willow ‘s door firmly, bracing herself for the coming confrontation.
Willow ‘s pleased surprise upon opening the door appeared genuine, and a smile lit up her face. “Hey, Tara .”
” Willow ,” Tara responded, her own voice more subdued. “I need to talk to you.”
“Of course,” the other girl said, stepping out of the doorway. “I’m glad you came by. It’s—it’s been a while.”
Tara nodded. “Yeah, it has.” She was quiet, wondering if Willow would guess why she was there. After a few moments, it appeared as though Willow was going to wait for her to start. “I’m here because of Spike, Willow . We know what you did to him.”
Willow had never been a very good liar, and her face gave her away before she could hide her reaction. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she bluffed. “What’s wrong with Spike? Do you need me to do a locator spell?”
“No!” Tara said vehemently. “We don’t need you doing anymore magic, Willow .” Her tone was sharp, sharper than she’d meant it to be. Tara was reaching the end of her patience, though. This was why she had left Willow . It hadn’t been the magic use—it had been Willow ‘s need to use magic to fix every problem, even when the problem could only be solved with time and care. “You’ve done enough. I want you to lift the curse on Spike.”
Willow ‘s eyes narrowed as she realized that Tara wasn’t going to be bluffed. “I did it for Buffy’s own good.”
“You don’t know what Buffy needs,” Tara replied. “If you did, you would have left Spike alone.”
Willow ‘s face twisted in anger. “He’s gotten to you, too, hasn’t he? This is what he does, Tara ! Spike gets in the middle of things and turns everybody against each other. He did that when we fought Adam.”
“That was two years ago, Willow ,” Tara replied. “He’s changed!”
“He’s a vampire! He’s turning Buffy away from her friends.”
“No, I think you did that all by yourself when you brought Buffy back from the dead.” The words were out of Tara ‘s mouth before she could stop them. She hadn’t meant to say that. After all, she had been involved with the resurrection spell too.
Of course, Buffy was still hanging out with her, maybe because she’d actually apologized for her part in things.
Willow stiffened, and then her expression went cold. “I did what I thought was right.”
“I know, Willow ,” Tara replied, softening her tone. “We all thought it was the right thing to do, but it wasn’t. It hurt Buffy, and she has to live with the consequences. Spike is helping her.”
Willow shook her head stubbornly. She just couldn’t believe that she was wrong. She couldn’t deal with the idea that she’d hurt Buffy that badly. Willow couldn’t believe that her judgment had been that far off the mark. If it was—if Tara was right—how could she ever trust herself again?
She knew what she was doing.
“There’s no lifting the curse,” Willow said, sounding very satisfied with herself . “I made sure of that. You’ll understand that once Spike’s gone. Everyone will be better off. Everything will go back to the way it was.”
“Nothing is ever going to be like it was,” Tara said, turning on her heel and walking out. She was fighting back the tears, knowing that this was the end. Willow wasn’t coming back to her—she wasn’t going to get better.
And even if she did, Tara was certain that she would never be able to trust her again.
~~~~~
Buffy stood in the kitchen, watching Spike patiently go over Dawn’s homework with her. At least, that’s what she assumed was going on. Dawn was speaking halting Spanish and pausing every so often, only to repeat what she had just said. Buffy figured the pauses were for Spike’s corrections, since Dawn seemed to have less trouble on the repetition.
Spike had been right. Relying on a piece of jewelry to be able to communicate was frustrating, to say the least.
“Hey,” she said, causing both of them to look up at her.
Dawn smiled. “Hey, Buffy. Spike’s helping me with Spanish.” She paused. “And he says hi.”
“Are you guys almost done?” Buffy asked. “I’d like to get that necklace back from you.”
“Give us a few more minutes?” Dawn asked. “And then Melissa wants me to come over for dinner tonight. That’s okay, isn’t it?”
“Are you planning on spending the night?”
Dawn smirked. “Do you want me to?”
Buffy gave her a dirty look. “Dawn—”
“Oh, come on, Buffy.” She rolled her eyes. “Like I don’t know what you guys are up to when you’re alone.”
Buffy sighed, deciding that she wasn’t going to win this argument. “You can spend the night if you’re invited and if it’s okay with Melissa’s mom. I don’t want you inviting yourself over, even if it is to avoid being permanently scarred.”
“Okay,” Dawn said so cheerfully that Buffy knew she’d most likely already been invited and had accepted.
“I’ll be in the living room,” she said. “Oh, and tell Spike that I brought him some clothes.”
Buffy had actually run quite a few errands in between seeing Xander and coming back home. She had been thinking about maybe getting a job, just part time, at least until school started. With Spike’s trust fund, she could take her time in looking for something that she might actually enjoy. So she’d picked up some applications at different shops, and then she’d stopped by Spike’s apartment and got some clothes for him. Buffy had no idea how long it was going to take to get the demons off of Spike’s back, but until they did, she wanted him close.
At least until they took care of the curse. Then he’d have a better shot at getting some help if he needed it.
Buffy was idly flipping channels on the television set when Tara knocked on the front door and then entered. “Did you talk to Willow ?” Buffy asked immediately.
Tara nodded, and then she burst into tears. Buffy was at her side immediately, leading her over to the couch and sitting her down. The Slayer had been good at this, once upon a time. Giving comfort, easing hurts. It felt as though it had been so long since she’d had the energy that it was something of a surprise to find that she had strength enough to offer Tara her shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Tara finally gasped, pulling back. “I shouldn’t—”
Buffy kept her arm firmly around the other woman’s shoulders. “Don’t worry about it. I take it that the visit was not a fun one.”
“You could say that,” she replied, sniffling, wiping her eyes and wet cheeks with her hands. ” Willow pretty much admitted that she put the curse on Spike. She tried to deny it at first, but—”
“She never was very good at lying,” Buffy supplied.
Tara shook her head. “No. She said it couldn’t be lifted, Buffy. She—wouldn’t even think about lifting it herself. I don’t—I don’t even recognize her anymore.” Tara had to stop before she started crying again.
“I know,” Buffy said softly. “I do. I’m so sorry, Tara .”
Tara shook her head. “It’s not your fault.”
Buffy gave her a hug. “Maybe not, but I can’t help but feel that I should have done something before this.”
“You did, Buffy,” Tara replied sincerely. “You told her that you weren’t going to put up with it. That’s a pretty big deal.”
“Maybe,” Buffy allowed. “Do you want some tea or something?”
Tara shook her head. “I—I need some time, but thank you. If you need any help…”
“I know where to find you.” Buffy watched her leave, her heart sinking. She hated seeing Tara hurting like this.
Buffy was startled out of her thoughts by the pendent dropping down in front of her eyes. She took it from Spike and put it back on. “She going to be alright?” he asked, once he knew Buffy would hear him.
“Eventually,” Buffy replied. “It takes time, you know?”
“I know.” Spike flopped down next to her on the couch, giving a sigh of contentment when Buffy leaned up against him. “So how bad is it?”
“How bad is what?”
“Can we get rid of this curse, or am I stuck relying on that bloody necklace to communicate forever?”
Buffy sighed. ” Willow either can’t or won’t reverse her spell. I’m not sure which it is, and…” She trailed off. There was another option available, other than asking Willow nicely to take care of her mess. The Slayer wasn’t quite ready to treat Willow as an enemy, though. Not yet.
She didn’t have the strength.
“Don’t worry about it,” Spike said, trying to sound nonchalant. “We’ll get it sorted some other way.” He understood why Buffy was unwilling to force Willow to help them, and he couldn’t be disappointed. Besides, the witch was powerful enough to swat Buffy good if the Slayer did confront her.
“Anya thinks she might have another way,” Buffy replied softly. “It’s not a sure thing, and it requires Giles to do some translating from Latin, but—”
“I know how to translate Latin.”
Buffy’s head shot up. “Really?”
“I’m rusty, but I could probably work it out.” Spike looked a bit ashamed of the fact, although Buffy had the feeling that he was more ashamed of the fact that he spoke Latin at all, not that he was rusty.
“When did you learn?”
“Long time ago.”
Buffy got the same expression on her face that she’d had every time Spike managed to surprise her. Spike might have called it affectionate wonder. “So here you are, Mr. Language-Guy, and I never knew. How come I never knew?”
“Never came up before,” Spike replied.
Buffy shook her head. “I’ll give Anya a call and tell her that we’ve got our own translator, then. That way she won’t have to bother Giles if she hasn’t already.”
“Buffy, I’m leaving!”
Buffy grunted, pushing herself up off the couch with some effort. She was so tired. All she wanted was to go to bed, but she should patrol, and probably alone. If any of Sunnydale’s resident demons saw Spike—at least those greedy enough to want the cash prize for killing him—they would have a fight on their hands.
For once, Buffy wasn’t in the mood for a fight. She wanted a quiet evening in with her guy, and a full night’s sleep, in that order.
“Be careful,” she said, seeing Dawn in the doorway, impatient to be gone. “Call tomorrow if you’re going to stay past noon , okay?”
“Okay,” Dawn said, with an eye roll, demonstrating what she thought about Buffy’s tendency to be overprotective. “See you tomorrow.”
Dawn was out the door in a flash, and Buffy spared a moment to wonder if she shouldn’t walk her sister the block or two to Melissa’s house. She dismissed the idea just as quickly. Dawn would never forgive her, and it was still light outside.
As soon as Buffy shut the front door, however, she heard a knock at the back door. “Who the heck would that be?” she muttered. “Be right back, Spike.”
“Take your time,” he called.
Buffy went into the kitchen and opened the back door to find Clem standing on her porch. “Hey,” he said, obviously nervous about being at the Slayer’s house. “Are you Buffy?”
“I’m Buffy,” she replied warily. Buffy wasn’t used to having demons show up on her back porch out of the blue like this. “Is there something I can help you with?”
Clem looked relieved as he saw Spike approaching over her shoulder. “Spike!”
Buffy turned to see the vampire. “Spike? Do you know him?”
“Sure, that’s Clem, my mate,” Spike replied, relieved that the curse didn’t work on demons. “Clem, this is Buffy.” He gave her a pointed look. “Maybe you could invite him in?”
“Come in, Clem,” Buffy said. So much for a quiet evening at home. “What’s up?”
Clem looked from one to the other. “I just wanted to drop in, see how you were.” He shifted nervously. “There’s been some trouble recently.”
“We noticed,” Spike said ruefully. “Spent a few days hiding in the sewers.”
Clem gave a sigh of relief. “I’m glad you’re okay, Spike. When I heard that witch put a contract out on you, I—”
“What witch?” Buffy asked in a hard voice.
Clem blinked, nervous again. The Slayer didn’t look too happy with him. “Uh, they say she’s pretty powerful. I’ve never seen her myself, so I wouldn’t know her.”
Buffy shook her head. “Crap. This is just great. I can’t believe her!”
Clem was starting to look really nervous. “Uh, there was just one more thing.”
Spike frowned. Clem was harmless, but he heard a lot. “What’s the one more thing?”
“The Slayer’s sister?” Clem scratched behind one ear. “Word is , Rack wants to get his hands on her. I know that you like her, so I thought I’d let you know.”
“Dawn,” Buffy said, heading straight to the phone to call Melissa’s house.
Spike’s jaw clenched. “Thanks, Clem. Means a lot that you would let us know about something like this.”
Clem shrugged. “No big deal. I probably should go, though. You guys look like you’re pretty busy.”
“We’re going to be,” Spike admitted. “I’ll come by after this is sorted, yeah?”
“Sure thing, Spike,” Clem said cheerfully. “Be careful out there.”
Spike shut the door behind the gentle demon, and then turned to Buffy. He knew what had happened with one look at her face. “She isn’t there?”
Buffy shook her head. “No. Not yet. I have to go.”
Spike cursed, knowing that it was still too light outside for him to be of any help. “Once the sun goes down—”
“I’ll be here,” Buffy said. “I’ll need your sleuthing capabilities.” She didn’t waste anymore time. She grabbed her jacket and flew out the front door, swearing to herself that she was going to have it out with Willow .
Just as soon as she rescued her sister and got rid of the curse on Spike.