Chapter 7
Buffy had made with the big talk, but she had really never played video games. Spike was absolutely kicking her ass. After his seventh victory, he made his character perform an amusing little victory dance.
She laughed. “All right I surrender.”
Spike laughed and gave her an expression of mocked shock. “So easily, surely not Slayer.”
There it was again, she thought, he was calling her Slayer again. She couldn’t help but wonder what it meant. “When did you get so good at this?”
“Doc said it’d be good PT for me after…” He trailed off realizing that he hadn’t told Buffy about his experiences with Dana yet.
“Your hands, Andrew told me.” She got quiet for a moment. “I didn’t know until after…he didn’t…” She put down the controller. “Why didn’t you tell me you were alive?”
Spike looked up startled. He’d known the question would come eventually, but she’d surprised him with it just the same. “I…I don’t know. I wanted to. At first…At first I couldn’t, I mean really couldn’t; I was like a soddin’ ghost. Then I… I was scared.” He shrugged. There it was, he thought, there’s the truth.
“Why? I told you…” Her voice dropped to a whisper as she turned away, unable to meet his gaze. “I told you I loved you.”
“Yeah, but…” He shrugged.
Buffy turned back, eyes blazing with anger and pain. “I meant it.” She stood up and walked up the stairs.
Spike sat for a moment before his own anger raged large enough to propel him up the stairs after her. He yanked open her bedroom door.
“You kissed him. I saw you. You said that I…but then you kissed him. How did you think I felt? How was I supposed to believe…right after you kissed him? I know I don’t deserve…but you can’t say loved me…I saw you.”
Watching Spike’s stricken face quickly caused Buffy’s anger to drain. It was just as quickly replaced with guilt. It was her fault, she confessed. She’d known that already, but looking at the pain in his eyes now made it all the more real. She didn’t know what to say.
Her silence frustrated him. He couldn’t help but accept her non-answer as an admission. He’d been right, he knew it; she’d only said the words to be kind.
She watched him turn and walk away to hide in the room she already thought of as his, but not before she caught a glimpse of the tears. He was crying, she realized, and it was her fault.
The hopeful voice in her head pleaded and shouted at her to follow. “Don’t let it end like this,” it shouted. She’d been given another chance, she thought, she had to try harder.
She slowly made her way from her room to his. She didn’t bother to knock, knowing that he’d only send her away. She opened the door and met his tears with her own. “I’m…I’m sorry and you’re right.”
Spike stared at her as though horrified. “You’ve what, come to rub it in…I can never be good enough…got it pet…don’t need…”
“No…you were right when you said I shouldn’t have kissed him. I should have seen you, seen us.” She paused to pull together her courage. “But you were wrong when you said I didn’t love you. I did, I just didn’t realize it until it was too late.” She turned to walk away and whispered “I’m sorry.”
His hand snaked out and grabbed her wrist before she could leave. She turned and he pulled her down to sit next to him on the bed. She watched him, waiting for a something to tell her why he’d stopped her.
He was trembling. He hated that, hated that he couldn’t hide even that display of weakness. But then he had no pride where she was concerned, he’d already admitted it. “And now?” He let his head drop to the side and with his stormy eyes burning a hole in her soul, he waited.
“Now?”
“Do you…?” He couldn’t ask, couldn’t put himself out there again. There just wasn’t enough left.
Her eyes widened as the question he was trying to ask became clear. She nodded slowly. “Yeah; I still love you.”
His lips curved, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. He looked down, focused on his hands. “I want to believe you, but…” He shrugged.
She almost ran at that; it felt like dismissal and she’d never liked crying in front of someone else. But she didn’t. She forced herself to stay seated, forced back all the snarky comments designed to help her save face and decided to try something new. “Guess I’ll have to work on that.”
It worked, Spike was startled enough to look up at her quizzically.
She smiled and he almost melted. The voice telling him that he was a fool was just a little too loud though, so he just waited.
“Will you stay until we figure this whole ‘return from the dead as a human’ thing out? I called Giles this morning before breakfast. They should be here within a couple of days. I just…I just got you back, I need to know that they can’t just take you away again…that you’ll be ok.” When he frowned, Buffy realized that she’d left something out. She put hand on his tentatively. “Spike I’m not saying I want you to leave after we figure it out; I’m just asking you to stay at least until we do.”
He sighed. “Both know I’ll do whatever you want pet, hell you own me now right?”
“Spike that’s not…I don’t want it to be like that.”
“Just being honest luv, we both know how it is.”
She sighed. “Fine. Take off your shirt.”
Spike glared at her, eyes wide, jaw-dropped. “What?” He stood up. “Have you…”
Buffy giggled and cut him off. “You’re still hurting. Sore, probably. You don’t heal as fast as…as before. I’ve got something that should help. Take off your shirt.” With that she stood up and walked out of the room.
He listened to her opening drawers and shifting through things in the other room for a moment before doing as he was told. She returned a moment later carrying a glass bottle. “What’s that then?”
“It’s just a rub, mostly herbal. Tara used to make it for me before…”
Spike sighed as she trailed off. She’s lost too many friends for someone so young, he thought. “I liked her, Glenda the Good Witch, she was…”
“Nice.”
“Yeah. Treated me like…” he shrugged. “Like I was a person.”
Buffy nodded. “She knew about us…when we were…”
Spike looked surprised for a moment and then laughed. “Your birthday. Chit knew then didn’t she?”
Buffy nodded. “I think…yeah.”
Spike laughed for a moment longer. “Yeah.” She’d played him all evening he realized now. Well good on her, he thought, knew there was something stronger hiding in the little mouse.
“This will be easier if you lie down.”
Spike grinned and waggled an eyebrow in an attempt to hide the affect the mere thought of her touching him had. He sat on the bed, pulled his legs up and leaned back, hands under his head. “Sure thing pet.”
“Roll over.” Buffy kneeled on the bed next to him.
He hesitated for a second, but complied. This would be harder, he realized, not knowing when her fingers were going to make contact with his skin would make it harder to still his responses. He closed his eyes; glad she couldn’t see that at least, he tried to ready himself.
Buffy watched as he tensed every muscle in his back. “Spike relax, it won’t hurt. I promise.”
Spike laughed and muttered “’course not.”
Buffy poured the oil on to her hand and smiled as it immediately warmed, that part was magic. She rubbed her hands together and then laid them on the center of his back. She grinned when the muscles there rippled at her fingertips and began to softly rub the oil upward across his sore shoulders. She kept her touch light, spreading the oil across the entirety of his back and pausing twice to get more oil. Through it all he remained still and tense. She brought her hands up to the top of his spine, thumb on either side, and she began to use more pressure. “Relax.”
Sure, he thought, that’ll happen. He tried to remember the last time someone had done something like this for him He came up blank. Dru had liked to play at giving back rubs from time to time, but she’d always liked using his own blood as the oil. Aside from that, he wondered, who would have ever bothered. Harm probably would have given it a shot, but she’d have probably driven him insane with her chatter at the same time. He smirked; it wasn’t like this sort of thing was a part of his life before he was turned. No, he thought, he was almost a hundred and fifty years old and this was the first time someone had ever really given him a back rub. The thoughts distracted him from guarding his response and when her fingers pressed on a particularly tense spot, he moaned deeply.
Buffy’s stomach clenched at the sound; deep, almost a growl, and so sexy, it fed her confidence. She scooted closer and placed one knee on either side of his hips so she sat straddled across his thighs. The position made it easier for her to apply a firm pressure behind her hands. “Let me know if I get too rough.”
For a moment after feeling her bottom land on the back of his legs, Spike forgot to keep breathing, he inhaled and held. At her words he released the breath in a swift hiss. Should make a smart ass remark, he thought. But his ability to prepare one was temporarily lost.
Buffy studied his back as she rubbed. She’d never really seen him up close in the light. She could see now all the faint scars she’d missed before. They didn’t make him any less beautiful, she realized, though the sight of them made her want to cry. After a few more minutes, she scooted back off. “Roll over.”
“What?”
“Roll over. I wanna do your front.”
“That’s… I’m fine. I…”
“Spike.” Buffy said his name with exasperation and gave him a light shove.
He complied, hating the tell-tale blush he felt heating his cheeks. He hated being human again already. Vampires don’t blush; they don’t have enough extra blood to waste any making a big sign to announce their embarrassment.
Buffy noticed that he was blushing, but pretended otherwise. She just settled back across his thighs and reached for the oil.
“Pet…I can’t…oh god Buffy.” He gasped as she ran her hands down his chest.
Buffy feigned innocence. “Does that hurt?” She scrunched her nose as though confused.
“No…I just…you surprised me is all. It’s nothing. But I think that’s enough yeah?” He moved to sit up.
Buffy stopped him with her hands on his shoulders. “But you still look sore.”
His eyes widened as he realized that she knew exactly what she was doing to him. He pulled away standing up in shock. “What are you doing?”
Buffy had to fight back a smile; he just looked too cute there blushing pink and still all shiny from the oil, a look of indignation on his face. “I just wanted to make you feel better.”
“Why?”
“I told you why.”
He was next to her in a second, kneeling on the bed his hands gripping her arms. “Say it again.” His voice came out rough, a desperate edge pulling on her heart.
“I love you.”
He pulled her against him so his mouth could claim hers with a possessive kiss. He still couldn’t believe her, figured she was feeling pity or maybe gratitude. But he also couldn’t resist her, not when she was giving him everything he’d ever wanted. “You’re sure…you want this?”
She nodded, straining upwards for a kiss.
“Oh God Buffy, you have no idea what you do to me.” He gasped against her neck.
Buffy giggled. “Actually…” she reached down to grasp his belt buckle “these pants don’t hide things as well as your jeans usually do, so I do have an idea at least.”
He groaned. “You’re going to kill me luv.”
“Had other plans actually.”
When she started to unbuckle his belt, he pushed her hands away. “Slow down pet. No reason to rush this.” When he saw her pout he continued. “Want to do it right this time.”
Buffy smiled and brought her hands up to the buttons on her own shirt. She wiggled back a bit so that he could watch.
He couldn’t take his eyes off her hands. She was undressing for him, fingers trembling. This wasn’t an angry ripping of clothes that were in the way, this was a woman preparing to be loved. When she finished the last button she shrugged off the shirt and stood up to unsnap and push down her jeans. Then she stopped and stood before him in nothing but a few scraps of pale pink silk and a suddenly shy expression. He quickly stood up to collect her, scooping her into his arms and placing her on the bed.
He joined her there just as quickly, closing his eyes when he felt her arms wrap around him in welcome. Maybe it was a joke, he thought, maybe he is in heaven. He lowered his head to press soft kisses along her collar bone and up her neck. “You’re gorgeous, so bright…never seen anything like you …” he whispered, tugging her earlobe between his lips and tickling it with his tongue.
When he brought his head lower to run his tongue along the edge of her bra, Buffy dug her hands in to his hair and gasped. Her back arched of its own accord, her body pleading to be consumed. But he made no move to go forward, continuing to lick and kiss his way across her chest before once again claiming her lips. When she reached for his belt a second time, he caught her hand and brought it too to his mouth. She shuddered when he brushed his lips across the back of her hand and began to kiss each knuckle and she whimpered when he drew her finger into his mouth.
He grinned devilishly at the sound, looking more like himself then he had since he’d appeared in her living room. He released that finger to pull in another, scraping his teeth gently along the skin as he pulled his head back.
When he released her hand, she used it thread through his hair and pull his face back down to hers. Bringing her hands around to cup his face she whispered. “Want you.”
He trembled at her words but kept his resolve, bending lower to caress her ear with his words. “Glad to hear it pet, but I’m plannin’ to make you scream a bit first.”
He bent and drew her breast into his mouth, suckling and licking at her nipple. She wondered distractedly if the oral fixation was the result of a century spent as a vampire or if that was his own, a William thing. When he tugged her bra down to bare her other breast for his palm, she lost the ability to wonder about anything but the feel of him, his skin, his mouth.
“Perfect.” He murmured brushing her nipple with his thumb and then cupping her breast in his hand. “Made for me…” He looked down at her intently. “Don’t you see how sodding well we fit?”
“Perfect.” She echoed before rolling them both over so that she straddled his hips. She reached back and unhooked her bra. When his hands ran up her sides and firmly clasped her breasts she cried out and threw her head back. Buffy leaned down and pressed her breasts against his chest, enjoying the new litany of endearments and pleas it drew from Spike’s lips.
“Oh luv…baby…sweet girl… my sweet brilliant girl…no words…I have no bloody words.”
She giggled at that and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Seem to be finding plenty.” She reached down again and finally succeeded in the unbuckling and unbuttoning needed to pull off his pants. She pulled away for second, dragging his pants down, and soon found herself pressed down on her back again. Spike hooked his thumbs under the sides of her panties and drew them slowly down the length of her legs. But when she tried to pull him into place above her, he pulled away again to drop a kiss on her stomach.
“Need a taste first pet.” He ran his hands up her thighs, pressing them gently apart and scattering light kisses on her smooth skin. “Been too long,” he murmured against her thigh, “need a taste.”
She cried out. His heat of his circling tongue was too much; she moaned and gasped his name. “Spike…oh god…so good…Spike.”
He chuckled. “That’s it pet, sing for me.”
“Please…want… love you…please…”
He moved to settle himself between her legs and rubbed himself against her heat. “Look at me pet.” He waited until her eyes focused. “I love you.” He held off for a moment trembling from the effort, his fingers tightly holding her hips, and waited for her response. He needed it to be different this time.
She nodded, brought her hand to his cheek and gently rubbed her thumb along the sharp angle there. “Love me, please.”
He pushed into her in a single thrust and paused for second before moving in a slow careful rhythm. His eyes never left hers.
Buffy gasped, wrapping her legs around his waist and pulling him closer. She ran her fingernails up his back and listened to him growl. When she let her head drop to the side she felt his hand on her chin, turning her back to him.
“Wanna watch…gonna make you sing again.”
His confident words, so strongly in contrast to his soft expression almost made her come. She shuddered.
Spike picked up the pace, thrusting harder each time. “God you feel good pet, so hot so fucking hot…love it when you squeeze me …so bloody tight…you like my cock don’t ya pet…like it when I’m…” He stopped talking when she screamed.
Buffy came hard. He’d kept his hand on her chin so she’d had no choice but to keep her eyes on his while he’d whispered his naughty words. He never stopped talking; she remembered not liking it before or maybe just pretending that she didn’t like it. Now all she could think was how sexy it was, how Spike it was.
He watched her come with her eyes open and focused on him. It was all he needed to send him over the edge. Three more thrusts, hard and fast, and he collapsed on top of her. After a moment he pushed himself up on his elbows and shifted to move beside her. Her arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him back down. “Just didn’t want to squash you luv.”
“Mmmm…I like being squashed.”
He chuckled and rolled them both over so that she was on top. “Here you squash me then.” He smiled up at her before she turned on to her side and settled down on top of him, her head tucked beneath his chin.
They laid there for several minutes catching their breath. Spike held her on his chest, occasionally kissing the top of her head. Buffy rubbed her cheek where she could feel his heart beating.
He laughed, suddenly and softly, and she turned to look at him.
“What’s so funny mister?”
“Just realized…” He shook his head. “This is the first time I’ve ever done this as a human.”
Buffy’s eyes widened. “No way.” She sat up and scooted so that she was sitting on his thighs. “Never? But you’ve got to be like…” She wrinkled her nose. “How old are…were you?”
“When I was turned?”
She nodded.
“Almost twenty-eight.”
“And you were still…”
He sat up. “Times were different…people just didn’t…” He sighed. “I was a ponce.”
Buffy leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. “I’m sure that’s not the case. Besides you didn’t do too bad…for a virgin.”
“Not too…I make you scream and you know it.” He tried to maintain an air of indignation but failed. Having a giggling Buffy on his lap was too nice; he went with a pretend pout instead.
“I was just teasing and you know it.”
“True, still gonna make you say it.” He clicked his teeth with his tongue.
“Say what?”
“That I’m the best you ever had, that I can make you scream and whimper and beg…”
Buffy flushed at the inevitable arousal his words brought. She shook her head. “Not right now, I’m hungry.”
He pulled her up against him. “Umm me too.” He nuzzled her neck.
“No seriously, really hungry here…let’s go out.”
“Out?”
“You know where you put on clothes and actually leave the house. There are bunches of restaurants right down the street. A few clubs too, for after maybe…” When he still looked skeptical she pressed a kiss near his ear and whispered. “Like a date, only I can promise you’re going to get lucky.”
He laughed. “Already the luckiest bloke in the world pet. You want to go out; we’ll go out.”