Chapter 14
Spike followed Willow into the kitchen and stood off to the side watching while she surveyed the contents of the pantry and the fridge. She turned back to him still holding open the refrigerator door.
“What do ya think? Tuna, turkey…”
He shrugged. Food tasted different to humans. He wasn’t all that sure which he’d prefer. He gave her a sheepish look. “I like grilled cheese.”
Willow smiled. “Grilled cheese is definitely doable, ooh and…” she shut the refrigerator and went back to the pantry. After a few seconds of rummaging she turned back to him, holding up a can triumphantly. “Tomato soup. Can’t really have grilled cheese without tomato soup right?”
He gave another shrug and Willow noted how much quieter he seemed now. Used to be you couldn’t get him to stop talking, she thought and wondered what else was different about him now that he was human. He still looked the same and sounded the same. He definitely still looked at Buffy the same way. Of course, she thought, getting his soul back hadn’t made him seem all that different either, just sadder and maybe a bit less confident. She shook off the thoughts and held out the can to him. “You make the soup and I’ll do the sandwiches.”
Spike took the can from her hand and set about finding the can opener and a pot to warm it in. They worked in companionable silence for a few moments and were soon sitting at the table dipping their crusts into warm soup.
Willow watched him for a moment and giggled.
“What?” Spike looked down at himself and that back at her quizzically.
“It’s just you with the mug of steamy red liquid…kinda like old times only you know without the death threat part.” Willow cringed inwardly when she heard herself. She was hoping to get him talking and inappropriate jokes were probably not helpful.
Spike’s expression was unreadable for a moment. He raised an eyebrow. “That’s just ‘cause you didn’t burn the sandwiches.” He gave her a faux menacing glance, laughed softly and shook his head. “I’m sorry about that you know…the whole trying to kill…I’m not the same man, I…”
Willow cut him off. “I know. You don’t need to explain.” she shook her head “it’s done.”
He gave her a small smile and a grateful nod. How do you apologize for trying to kill someone? Sorry seemed pretty pointless.
They were almost done with lunch, Willow realized. She decided that she’d better just jump in. “That seemed like quite a doozey…your dream that is.”
He nodded and looked away.
She sighed. “I’m not trying to pry…or I am I guess…I’m just wondering if it’s connected to the whole claim thingy. Dreams are usually more important than we think they are, like a lot of beings talk through dreams and sometimes we tell ourselves things that we didn’t even realize that we already knew, and …”
He cut off her rambling. “Had them before, but they’re different know.”
“Worse?”
“Sometimes…but mostly just different and more often.” He sighed. “It’s like they’re not mine.”
“Not your dreams.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Like I’m reliving someone else’s worst moments. Final moments”
Willow looked thoughtful for a moment. “Whose?”
“Changes.” He focused his eyes on the table. “Sometimes I’m the one from China, or Dana, or …her, her …sometimes…” He looked at her straight on. “I think they’re all slayers.”
Willow nodded. “You’re dreaming that you’re a slayer.”
“Yeah. Usually one getting’ herself killed by some baddie.” He shook his head.
Willow nodded again and bit her lip.
Spike tilted his head to the side and leaned towards her slightly. “Do you think it’s connected? ”
“Maybe. I should look into a few things okay.”
He leaned back and nodded.
“Have you talked about them with Buffy?”
“Not really. She knows I sometimes have …she doesn’t know the slayer part. I just don’t want her getting worried or…” He sighed.
“I know, but you should talk to her. She’d want to know and she wouldn’t like to think that you’re keeping stuff from her; she kinda has some trust issues;”
Spike winced at Willow’s unknowing reminder of the afternoon he had finally felt like a monster. Her voice still rang in his ears. I could never trust you enough… Ask me again why I could never love you. He tried to hold off the shudder and answered quietly. “I know.” Because I’m the reason she has them, he added to himself.