Chapter 16
Spike tilted his head and squinted slightly. “You want me to be a vampire again so I can help you with the fight? ‘Cause I’m not…”
Buffy shook her head. “No. I…I want to make this clear. Sit down.” She pushed gently on his arm.
He stepped back slowly and sat on the bed again. She followed, tightening the towel and tucking its edge firmly so that she wouldn’t need to hold it anymore. She pushed him again so that he slid further onto the bed and then climbed up and sat on his knees. She took his hands and leaned back slightly so that she could meet his eyes. “I’m glad that you came back human. I like…I like listening to your heartbeat and I like seeing you blush and…” She took a tremulous breath “… and I like being able to hold you hand in the park in the middle of a sunny afternoon. I like all of that and I like…I like it, but I don’t need it. I need you. I love you and I want you and I’ll take you however I can get you. If…you need…”
He cut her off. His hands gripped her shoulders and he pulled her closer. His mouth met hers for a quick hard kiss. “Oh god Buffy.” He kissed her again. She’d stunned him. He couldn’t form words; he poured his spinning emotions into their kiss. She loves me. The knowledge hit him head on and he shook at its impact. She loves me. He continued to kiss her.
She pulled away and he tried to tug her back. “Spike please.”
Her words broke through the cloud of emotion he froze and gave her a confused and terrified glance.
“Please.” She repeated, giving his shirt a tug. “I need to touch you.”
Finally realizing that she meant to take off his shirt, he pulled back and yanked it over his head. He reached out to pull her back into his arms but she evaded. “Buffy?” Her name came out as a whisper in a voice that didn’t sound like his own.
“Lie back.” She reached forward and pressed her hands against his chest, giving him a light shove. “I want to love you.”
Unable to do anything else, he complied, lying back on the bed and watching as Buffy looked at his chest. She ghosted a hand across his skin and looked up to meet his eyes. “You’re beautiful.”
He smiled and shook his head. “Rubbish compared to you.”
“No.” She slid her hand down and traced the circle of his bellybutton. Leaning forward she placed a soft kiss on his stomach and smiled at his groan. Buffy reached for the button of his jeans, pausing briefly with her fingertips pressed just under the denim. Her eyes met his. “I love you.” She waited, hoping he would accept it.
Spike could feel his eyes start to well again. He took a deep breath, clenched his teeth and nodded.
It was enough; Buffy undid the button, but not the zipper of his jeans. Black ones today, she noted briefly before realizing that he’d actually gone back to the all black as soon as Willow and Giles had arrived. It’s a costume; he’s said that before, she remembered distantly. She ran her hands down his denim covered thighs and then turned away to tug off his boots and socks.
He reached for her when she turned back, wanting desperately to hold her against his chest for a moment before flipping them both and burying himself deep inside her. But she pulled away once again.
He groaned loudly and she grinned. “My way this time.” She reached back upwards, lightly caressing him through the denim for a second before carefully lowering his zipper. She pulled off his jeans and then wiggled back to study her achievement.
She ran her eyes up and down his body with such a serious expression, that when she finally met his eyes again and said “I like you this way.” he couldn’t help but laugh.
“Naked you mean, luv?”
“Hmm…definitely naked and mine.”
He shuddered at the suddenly lustful look in her eyes. “Always knew you wanted my hot little body pet.” He smirked, but only for a second.
Buffy leaned over and took him into her mouth.
Spike moaned and threw his head back. This was different, he thought threading his hands into her hair. Note to self, her way is good. “Oh god, pet…that’s…oh…I don’t …you…I…oh god.”
She placed a light kiss on the tip, sat up and smiled. “Like that don’t you.”
He nodded dazedly.
“Umm…how about this?” She slipped her leg across his lap and settled herself on him with a smooth slide downwards.
He gripped her hips and watched as she began to move in a leisurely rhythm. “Yeah…” he said “…that’s good too. Your way…goo…” She started moving faster and he completely forgot what he’d been saying.
He only lasted a few more moments before reaching up and flipping them both so that he was on top. He smiled at her look of irritation and kissed her neck before whispering. “I just want to hold you luv. It’s the best part.”
Buffy felt a shiver at his words and smiled. It was hard to argue with that.
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Buffy woke a short time later still wrapped in his arms. She snuggled closer and listened to his breathing. It was still slow and steady, but she could tell that he was awake as well. She turned to look at him and smiled. “That was…”
He grinned backed lazily. “Yeah.”
She laughed softly and reached up to cup the side of his face. Her expression turned serious. “I love you.”
He smiled. “I know Buffy. I love you too.”
She stretched up and kissed him softly. “I know.” She turned and snuggled back into his embrace. She waited a moment before speaking again. “So I guess we should talk to Willow and see if she has any ideas on how you can…”
“No.”
Buffy sat up and looked at him confusedly. “What do you mean? I thought…”
“Buffy, I don’t want to be a vampire. I want…I want to be…you deserve a man and I want to be that.” He sat up and reached tentatively for her hands.
She took his hands and squeezed them lightly. “I told you; I don’t need you be anything but you.”
“I know pet, and it was best thing anyone’s ever said to me. Hearing you …” He shook his head in amazement. “But you don’t understand. I want to be a man Buffy; I want to be … I just don’t know. Men have jobs, and insurance and lawn mowers…I…” He shrugged.
Buffy smiled brightly, relief over his desire to be alive rushing through her. “Spike, I don’t expect you to be a nine to fiver.” She shook her head and reached out with both hands to cup his face. She kissed him quickly. “You just got back. You don’t have to know everything now. I don’t have it all figured. We can do it together. You and me; we can figure out our life together. It can be what we want. Okay?”
He nodded and smiled. “’kay pet.” He leaned over and kissed her thoroughly before gripping her shoulders firmly and pulling back. “I need you to…”
“What?” She took in his serious expression quizzically. “Spike?”
“I need you to understand that I can’t… not help you fight.” He held up a hand to prevent her from speaking. “It’s about me, not you this time luv. This is about me. This…” he gestured at himself and at her “…I didn’t earn this. I was just lucky, damn lucky. I don’t deserve it. I didn’t…I can’t pretend that I got the whole redemption thing. I’m not sure if I could ever really…I can’t forget what I was, the evil that I did. I need to help. I can’t be living and not try. I can’t be the man you deserve, I can’t be your partner, if I’m not even…”
She leaned over and kissed him. She had tears running slowly down her cheeks. “I get it, Spike. It scares me that you could get hurt, but I get it. And I respect it. We’ll…we’ll figure that out too okay?”
“So when you go patrolling later?”
Buffy took a deep breath. “You’ll come. If that’s what you want…because I’m respecting your choices.” She gave him a big smile. “See me respecting your decisions?”
He laughed and pulled her up against him. “Yeah I’m seein’ it. How about we see to your respectin’ my other stuff too?”
She laughed as he pushed her down on the bed. “That doesn’t even make sense, Spike.”
He shrugged. “Did it work anyway?” He leaned down to run kisses along her collarbone.
“Looks like.”
“Well then.” He brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead and then both cheeks. Maybe you love me?”
“I love you Spike.”
He looked at her smiled and cast his eyes downward. “I know. Maybe…maybe sometimes you could call me William…you know not in front of…” He looked up, blushing, and found her smiling. He shrugged. “If you want.”
“William.” She repeated his name softly.
He nodded.
“I love you.”