Chapter 17: Exodus
“William! You’re overreacting,” Rupert said as he followed his angry son towards his DeSoto. “You just got here!”
William popped the trunk and hefted his suitcase inside. “This is a bloody nightmare!”
“Will you calm down? Don’t you think this will only cause more suspicion? It’s Christmas Eve for Christ’s sake!”
William sighed and dared a glance at his father. “I’ll think of something. Can’t very well take back what I said to her.”
“What did you say?” Rupert’s eyes were wide with concern, speaking barely above a whisper.
“Yes, what did you say to the errand girl,” Vijay chimed in as he came down the sidewalk with Kamat who was carrying a freshly made bowl of yogurt.
“That’s none of your business, excuse me,” William said angrily, shoving his way past the trio back towards the house.
They watched him go and Kamat shook her head in disappointment. “What is with the boy? He looks constipated.”
“I am thinking something wicked this way comes,” Vijay whispered in her ear, loud enough for Rupert to purse his lips at his old friend.
“He’s a wreck,” Rupert said with a sigh, “and he’s being completely irrational. While I agree that he should take Buffy back to the school, I’m afraid he’s made things more difficult than need be.”
“What happened? Is the errand girl packing buns in her oven?”
Rupert dragged his hands down his face and leaned against the DeSoto, ignoring Vijay’s comment. “He wants to leave the church,” he said in bewilderment, still trying to register everything William had told him in the library. After several minutes of pacing and agitated fidgeting, William had finally confessed what had transpired over the past few months. To say he was shocked would have been the understatement of the year. Rupert had merely sank into his chair and sat silently as his son dispelled his biggest secrets. While he was concerned for him, as his father, at the same time he was elated. His son was human, he made mistakes, he was reachable. William had never confided in him before and perhaps that wasn’t entirely William’s fault, he knew now. Rupert had failed him as a father, made him believe that he was completely alone, and unknowingly paved the way for his son’s pride to get in the way of reason. It was all caving in on him now, and Rupert wanted to help. When he told William about the school contacting him, he hadn’t prepared himself for what transpired next. William had collapsed in a fit of tears and he was completely terrified. Terrified of losing the woman he’d fallen in love with, terrified that he’d ruined everything, terrified of being alone again. Rupert’s initial impression was that William had confused his feelings for Buffy with lust. But as he watched his broken son sobbing on the floor, he knew he’d been foolish in his assumptions. It broke his heart to see his son in such a state, and awkwardly, he scooped him into his arms. What had happened to his boy? Where had he gone? Had he been so isolated from himself that he managed to get into such a predicament without thinking? Was it a cry for help? Was this entire affair a means for William to break out of the cell he’d been imprisoned in? William had finally realized that the past ten years were a sort of purgatory where time had essentially stood still. He hadn’t aged at all, except in spirit and exhaustion. But he was still the same young man that he was before he’d given his vows; vows, which at one time were his entire life and was now willing to throw them all away.
“What?!” Kamat and Vijay exclaimed at once.
“He’s leaving the church. He’ll have to apply to be a layman first, but essentially…yes. William has decided that he isn’t cut out for the priesthood.”
Kamat’s eyes narrowed and she clutched her bowl to her chest. “And this errand girl…”
“Buffy,” Rupert interjected.
“Yes, this Buffy girl…she is the reason?”
“She plays a part, yes, Kamat. However, I think this was a long time coming.”
William walked out of the house again, carrying another suitcase and avoided the stares of the trio as he plunked the suitcase in the trunk of his car. “Whatever you have to say, save it. I’m not in the mood for your weird analogies,” he said pointing to an innocent looking Vijay, “or your strangely acute intuition,” he glared at Kamat, “or your…whatever it is you do,” he waved dismissively towards his father. “Expressions of discontent,” he said suddenly. “That’s you.”
Rupert scoffed and removed his glasses to give them a good cleaning. “I do not…do that.”
William laughed humorlessly. “You’re doin’ it right now!”
“William,” Kamat said as she shoved her bowl into Vijay’s arms and walked towards him, “tell us what happened with the Buffy girl.”
“I made a mistake an’ now I have to pay the consequences,” he said distractedly as he patted his trouser pockets. “I need a sodding cigarette.”
“You smoke, too?” Rupert said with wide eyes. “Is there no end to your debauchery?”
William knew his father was trying to joke with him but his timing was horrible. “Thanks, Dad.”
“What mistake? Tell me what mistake!” Kamat shouted impatiently.
“I fell in love with her, all right? She’s my student and we had an affair an’ I fell in love with her. I told her we couldn’ do it anymore, couldn’ keep goin’ like we have been. Now I’m off to take her back to the school and give my resignation as a teacher as well as a priest before things get way out of hand an’ everything’s gone to piss!”
Kamat seemed to be unaffected by the young man’s shouting and instead became angry and started slapping him on the head repeatedly.
“Hey! What the bloody hell is wrong with you?” William raised his hands in defense, trying to block another blow from her wild hands.
“You stupid, stupid, stupid!” She slapped him on the shoulder. “Her family leaves her for the holidays! She has no family! No nothing! You are all she has and you leave her on the Christmas Eve! Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
Vijay came to William’s rescue and pulled his wife away. “She should not be hitting, but she is right. You are a very stupid man. This is perhaps one of the many times you act without the thinking first.”
William lowered his head ashamedly, running his hands through his hair. “I know! I didn’t…I can’t bloody well take it back, now can I? She has to go back to the school. She has to.”
“I agree that she should,” Rupert said consolingly, “but perhaps you could have waited until after Christmas.”
“I couldn’t spend two days with her knowing what I know, Dad. I’d have gone insane. An’ she would’ve pulled it out of me at some point.”
The front door of Rupert’s abode opened and a very sad looking Buffy emerged. She stood still for a moment as she saw the four of them waiting by the car and she inhaled sharply and lifted her chin as she walked towards them. William’s heart clenched at the sight of her and he reached for her hand as Buffy came closer, only to be dismissed completely when she walked past him and grabbed the passenger door handle.
“Thank you, Rupert, for allowing me to come over even though it was such a short trip,” she said pointedly as she glared at William.
“Y-yes, of course my dear. You’re always welcome here.”
She gave him a tight smile and turned towards the Bachchans. “I very much enjoyed your tea.” That was all she could say as her bravado began to slip and her eyes started to sting, so she quickly opened the car door and slipped inside, turning her head away from them once she was seated.
Kamat glared at William, Vijay and Rupert twitched nervously and William closed his eyes and shut the trunk of the car. “If everything goes as planned, I’ll see you in a few days,” he said to Rupert before he walked to the driver’s side.
Before he opened the door, Rupert stopped him. “Son…” he deflated and shook his head, not really knowing what he was going to say in the first place but felt he should say something.
William nodded somberly and entered the vehicle before he slowly drove away.
“He is coming back?” Vijay asked curiously.
“Yes, Vijay. He’ll be joining us on our trip to Morocco.” With a sad smile, Rupert turned away from his neighbors and quietly walked into his house.
~*~*~*~
It was quite possibly the most painful car ride he’d ever had. It was completely silent, save for the few sniffles that came from the passenger seat. He had so many things to say to her, so many things they needed to discuss, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to say a word. As they grew closer to the school, William knew he had to say something and he reluctantly pulled the car behind a restaurant where they wouldn’t be seen. He killed the ignition and sat quietly for a moment, fidgeting with his keys as his brow furrowed in concentration.
“Are you hungry?”
Buffy rolled her eyes and huffed, looking away from him.
“Buffy,” he said quietly, reaching a tentative hand towards her and dropping it between them when he thought better of it. “We need to talk about this before we get to the school.”
She turned towards him with a death glare he’d never seen before. “You mean we have to get your story straight so you don’t get into trouble.”
He chewed on his lower lip and sighed. “I know you’re angry with me—”
“Angry? I’m angry with you? Oh, William…you don’t know the half of what I’m feeling right now,” she spat, folding her arms over her chest.
“Then why don’t you tell me?” His expression was soft, pleading, and open and for a moment Buffy’s anger seemed to dwindle but with a loud and irritated exhalation of breath, she was back in the game with a look that sliced through his heart.
“I hate you,” she said slowly, dragging out every word to make sure he understood without doubt that she meant every syllable. “Once we get back to the school, that’s it. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
William blinked rapidly as tears welled in his eyes, looking away from her as her words punched him in the stomach. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes I do! Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me? Do you have any idea what you just proved to me? You don’t care. You don’t love me! It’s all about you! What you want! What you’re going through! How it affects you! Well I’m tired of it! I’m not going to put my life on hold while you figure your shit out in the hopes that maybe we’ll be together one day.”
“Buffy, how can you say that,” his face scrunched up in a painful expression. “I love you more than anything! I’m doing this because I love you!”
“You’re doing this because you’re afraid!”
William clenched his jaw and gripped the steering wheel to restrain his rage. “I’m not a coward,” he said in a dangerously low tone and Buffy gasped, never having heard him speak that way before. “This isn’t the easy way out, love.” His eyes narrowed into slits as he glared at her. “How the fuck can you look at me and tell me that I don’ love you? How?!” He slammed his fist on the dashboard and Buffy jumped slightly. “After everythin’ we’ve been through, after everythin’ I’ve fucking given you! Everything I’ve risked for you, Buffy. How can you say that? It’s all for you! If I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be giving up my faith! If I didn’t care about you, I would’ve ended it for good back there! If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t have risked seeing the one man I’ve hated all my life so I could dig in my old bathroom just to give you this!” He shouted, and reached into his pocket. He tossed the procured item at her and violently jerked his head away and gripped the steering wheel again.
Buffy swallowed and looked in her lap where it had landed and gasped. “What…what is this?”
“It was my mum’s wedding ring,” he shouted, still reeling with emotion. “It was supposed to be…well, Merry fucking Christmas.”
Buffy’s chin quivered as she held the delicate piece of jewelry in her hands. It was a thin antique platinum band with a rare yellow round cut diamond in the center with two smaller white diamonds on either side. It was beautiful. She started crying and dropped her head back on the car seat, wiping her cheeks. “I don’t understand.”
“I know you don’t,” he said quietly and opened the car door. “And that’s the problem, isn’t it?” He shook his head and got out of the car, leaning forward to look at her. “I’m starving an’ I’m done having this conversation. You can join me or you can sit here an’ pout for all I care. Make your choice.” Fed up, pissed off and hurt that she’d even consider that his feelings were based on self importance, he slammed the car door and walked around to the front of the building and went inside the restaurant, leaving her behind with the gift he’d wanted to have more sentiment and meaning behind. He knew he shouldn’t have been so cruel about it but he was worn out with having to explain himself to her and the more times she acted this way, the more obvious her age became. It was frustrating and heartbreaking and confusing and he just wished she understood why they had to do this. The fact that she denied his feelings and balled them up into some twisted idea of cowardly intent made him angry. Everything about their relationship was a brave step for him. He’d given her his virginity, his soul, his heart, his faith, his love…given it all to her without even a hint that she’d ever do the same. He’d laid it all on the line for her, knowing exactly what consequences he’d have to face; did it all because he couldn’t help himself, because it was Buffy. Because he loved her. Even now, when he would be leaving her for a certain length of time, when he couldn’t see her every day, when he couldn’t kiss her or touch her or hold her…he did it out of love. He had to.
And now he was terrified because if she really thought that about him, the few months that he’d be gone she could easily move on. She could forget. She could continue to twist and alter her memories of him into something horrid and shameful and never want to be with him again. All his motives, all his attempts to do the right thing would be thrown back in his face. All for nothing. He felt like he couldn’t win at losing, was damned no matter what.
He looked over the menu, not really caring about food anymore but wasn’t going to go back to the firing squad. When he heard her sit down across from him, he lowered the menu and looked at her without expression. She was staring at the table and he couldn’t help but notice that she was wearing the ring. William set the menu aside and clasped his hands together on the table, waiting for her to say something.
She looked up with blood shot eyes and he reached across the table and took her hand, unable to resist giving her some form of comfort, no matter how angry he was with her.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered and her chin quivered as she screwed her eyes shut, no doubt an effort to ward off oncoming tears. “I’m just angry at all of this and I took it out on you and I’m sorry.”
William swallowed but she continued.
“I can’t lose you, William.” Her green eyes seemed brighter when she cried. “I can’t.”
“You won’t,” he said with a small smile and squeezed her hand. “I’ll never stop loving you, Buffy.”
She nodded and looked at the table again, stroking his knuckles with her thumb. “Promise me you won’t stop. Promise me this isn’t the end.”
He wanted to climb over the table and hug her and kiss her to death but was afraid of prying eyes. “This is not the end. It’s just a…a pause.”
She smiled a bit at that and sighed, gaining composure. “I like the ring. It’s beautiful.”
“It’s yours. Looks good on you.”
“I can’t believe it fits.”
“I’m sorry I threw it at you.”
She giggled softly. “Merry Fucking Christmas.”
William laughed and propped his forehead up on his hand. “Christ, I hate the holidays.”
“William?” He looked up at her, playing with her fingers. “Do we have to go back tonight?” When he arched an eyebrow she continued. “I-it’s just that,” she chewed on her lip and pulled her hand free as if it was too distracting. “You still have that hotel room and it is Christmas Eve.”
He knew exactly what she was hinting at, and he would have loved to jump at the opportunity to be with her one last time, but he was afraid that he’d lose his nerve in the morning. “I don’t know, Buffy…I think we shouldn’t risk it.”
“I just don’t want things to end like this. I want to have my last memory of you to be good, you know? Something to hold on to while we wait this out.”
William smiled sweetly at her. She had a good point. “I think I like the sound of that.” Buffy sighed happily and William ducked his head bashfully with a soft chuckle. “One more night…and then we leave in the morning.”
“OK.”
“So, let’s make this a to-go order an’ be on our way. What do you say, pet?”
She beamed at him before turning her expression into something serious. “Excellent plan, sir.”
Maybe it was better this way, he thought. It would be heartbreaking and difficult to let go of, but he wanted that connection as much as she did. And it was Christmas, after all. He wasn’t a complete Ebenezer Scrooge, was he? Of course not. No, William loved her more than anything and if it made her happy, if it gave her hope that things would work out in the end, he’d do this for her. For them.