Chapter 16: Why Have You Forsaken Me?
Buffy had been in the guest room for almost an hour now, wondering how much longer she should stay out of sight before giving up and going back to the library. She’d changed clothes three times, inspected every inch of the room, even ventured out into the hall to look at all the photographs of Giles on his many adventures. She was slightly impressed with how many shrunken heads he’d seen in his life. Perhaps there was some theme she was missing.
But now she was bored, and feeling sorry for herself, and just wishing William would come find her. She thought about her parents. Did they wonder where she was? Had they even given her a second thought traveling wherever they were? Tomorrow was Christmas, and it wasn’t like she’d never spent the holiday alone before, but seeing William and his father coming to some sort of reconciliation made her jealous. It was fleeting, and a little immature, and she was happy for him…it just happened to remind her how lonely she felt.
Maybe William’s room would be more entertaining.
She cautiously opened the door, as if a bomb might go off if she made the wrong move, and tiptoed inside. It smelled like him, even after all this time. She lay on his bed, fanning her arms up and down over the soft feather duvet. It struck her then that he was probably the same age that she was now when he last lived there. She smiled and closed her eyes, picturing him in that very bed. After discovering his extensive porn collection, she pondered if he masturbated in his bed, or if he did it in the bathroom. She giggled, shaking her head at the thought. Her eyes shot open, wondering if he had any pictures laying around. Buffy just knew he had to be as gorgeous then as he was now.
She got up and looked around, not really seeing any picture frames. As she made her way to the enormous bookshelf, she grinned. 1995 High School Yearbook for the win! Chewing on her lip as she smiled, she ran back to the bed, plopped down on her stomach and started flipping through the index in the back, scanning the alumni for his last name. To her surprise, he was on several pages. Keeping a finger on the index page to hold her place, she flipped to the first photograph. She gasped when she found his school photo and started laughing.
“God, look at that hair,” she smiled. Even though he wasn’t smiling like the rest of his classmates, there was still a ghost of a smirk on his beautiful mouth, that famous‘William’ smile that she’d grown to adore. But his hair was wild, tumbling over his forehead and he had these awful wire-rimmed glasses that looked a lot like John Lennon’s only not as cool. She decided that she’d still do him.
She checked the index for the next page and flipped to it eagerly, getting giddy with girlish glee. “Mathletes? What the hell is that?” She squinted her eyes as she studied the tiny group photo and found his over-exposed head in the back row of students. Frowning from the poor lighting, she flipped to the next page.
“German club, Chess club, Poetry Club,” she was overwhelmed with the amount of extra curricular activities he was involved in. Granted, they were all clubs that the nerds were in, but she was impressed with his tenacity. Until she came to the high school band photos and just about died. “William!” She rolled on her back, laughing, clutching the yearbook to her chest when she saw his band photo. She lifted the book, gazing up at it. He had on this awful green and white pinstriped jacket, adorned with gold ropes and holding a trumpet. He looked so proud of his instrument, but the poor boy must have been forced to slick his hair back. It wasn’t very attractive, considering the afro in the other photographs.
And this was how William found her when he came back to his bedroom, laying on his bed and giggling as she was staring at his yearbook.
“See anything interesting, pet?”
She hoisted the book high in the air and craned her neck back to smile at him. “You were so cute!”
He chuckled sadly, shaking his head as he made his way over to her. “Not exactly the adjective I’d use, but thanks.”
“This one’s my favorite,” she said pointing at his Poetry Club photo. “Look how serious you are.”
He leaned over her to get a look and smiled awkwardly. “Poetry is serious, luv.”
“Shyeah…and holy cow, you were in a lot of clubs!”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Had to do something to keep me occupied.” He fidgeted nervously for a moment as she continued gazing at his past before he spoke again. “Buffy?”
“Yeah?” She rolled onto her side, closing the book and faced him. She didn’t think he’d talk to her about the conversation he’d had with his dad, but she hoped that’s what was about to happen.
“We um…we need to talk about a few things.”
Suddenly worried, she crawled to the edge of the bed and sat down next to him. “Is…everything ok?”
He sighed somberly and stared at the floor. “I need to take you back to the school.” When she merely blinked at him, he said, “Tonight.”
“What? Why?”
William stood up and started pacing, needing movement to aid him in getting all of it out. If he sat still, if he looked at her, he couldn’t do this. “I love you, you know that, right?”
“Ye–”
“And you know I only want what’s best for you…for us–”
“William, what’s-”
“–but what we’re doing is wrong.”
Buffy thought she was about to hyperventilate. He couldn’t be saying…no, this wasn’t happening. “What’s going on?” Her chin quivered and her eyes stung, pleading silently with him when he turned his head away from her. The coward. “William, look at me and tell me what’s going on.”
He finally looked at her, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He knew she wouldn’t understand, hell, he didn’t even understand it, but he couldn’t back out now. “I think that we both need some time apart for a while.”
She stood up and glared at him. “We? Don’t you dare think for me! I don’t need time! What the hell happened in that library?”
“Nothing happened,” he let out a frustrated sigh, “look, you’re eighteen bloody years old! You don’t know what the hell you want!”
Hot, angry tears spilled from her eyes, his words cutting through her like a knife. “How dare you!” She marched over to him and pushed him, still advancing towards him as he backed away from her. “Now all of a sudden I’m too young to make my own decisions? Now? What about a few months ago, huh? Was I too young when you fucked me over your desk, Father William? Too young when you Shanghaied me to a hotel room? Too young when you told me that you fucking loved me?”
William closed his eyes when they started to burn. “I know you don’t understand this–”
“So tell me! Tell me why,” she paused, choking back a sob, “tell me why you’re doing this! Tell me why everyone in my life leaves me!”
“Buffy,” he reached for her and his chest tightened when she wrenched herself away as if she’d been burned.
“No! Don’t touch me,” her voice was icy cold and even, her glare even cooler though they were red with tears. “I want you to explain this to me, because I’m really having a lot of difficulty buying this right now.”
With an exasperated sigh, he ran his shaking hands through his hair. “I don’t know how to explain it…I just…I need some time to myself. It isn’t forever…that’s up to you.”
“Up to me?” She laughed humorlessly. “Gee, thanks! Since it’s up to me, how about this? How about you don’t take me back to the school tonight and quit acting like a stranger! I don’t even know who you are right now!”
“Neither do I!” His voice echoed in the room, the sound interrupted by their heavy breathing. “That’s the whole point, Buffy! I don’t know who the fuck I am, I don’t know what I’m doing…I mean, you’re still in high school! And…” he groaned, clenching his teeth and started pacing again. “They know, Buffy. They know!”
“Who knows? What are you–”
“The school!” All the color drained from her face as this news came crashing down on her. “Yeah, Buffy. They called my father last week looking for me an’ he had no idea what they were talking about because I didn’t even call about coming up here until yesterday. They know you’re with me, Buffy…they know something is up.”
She placed her hands on her cheeks and shook her head, staring at the floor as she backed away from him. “What does that…what’s going to happen? Oh my god, are you going to go to jail?”
“I don’t know an’ that’s why I have to take you back. Now.”
“But…what about us? Why are you…”
“I meant what I said. I think we shouldn’t see each other for a while, not until this thing blows over. I can’t…I can’t risk it. I’ve already done too much, gotten way in over my head in this thing.”
She wiped her eyes and sat back down on the bed. This was too much, she couldn’t lose him, not now, not after everything they’d been through. “I love you, William.”
His pained expression told her that had been the wrong thing to say. “No you don’t, Buffy.”
Her breath hitched in her throat as she started sobbing. “Yes, William! Yes! I do, I love you so much,” she walked towards him, forcing him to look at her. “Please believe me.”
His need to comfort her almost outweighed what he had to do. As much as he loved her, as much as he wanted to keep going, he knew they couldn’t sustain the secrecy for much longer, especially with the school book-marking his every move. But the simple fact remained that Buffy was just a girl. He’d been so wrapped up in the fantasy, the hotel room shielding them from reality, giving him a false sense of security that he was acting irrationally, wasn’t thinking like an adult, wasn’t thinking, period. Yes, he loved her with every fibre of his being, but he also knew how fleeting emotions were for a teenaged girl. She might think she loved him now, but since this was the first time he’d heard it, when he was leaving, he just didn’t think it to be based on anything more than fear of being alone.
And god, he didn’t want to leave her alone, but the simple fact that she couldn’t handle being away from him only proved her innocence. It just drove it home how young she truly was, how dependent on him she’d become. Not like he wasn’t aching at the thought of being without her, because that was far from the truth. However, William was embarking on a new chapter of his life, a new beginning where he could finally discover whom he was. His entire life was lived for other people in one way or another. For his father, or to prove something to him, for the church, for his students, for the image he’d created. But William didn’t really know what lied beneath the surface anymore. Buffy might have been the only one to see glimpses of whom he was but if he continued this relationship with her, if he’d stayed simply because she wanted him to, wouldn’t he just be doing what he’d always done? He finally felt like the world was his oyster, filled with possibilities. But risking it all to be with Buffy might make it so that neither one could ever see each other again. If he went to jail, if her parents pressed charges, if the media made a big stink about a priest and his student, they’d both be ruined.
And if she did really love him, while it might be hard to see now, she’d let him do this. She’d let him figure out who he was, let him go. He had no doubt that he would always love her, always be there to take her in his arms. But she might not, and he had to see for himself, had to see just how real this was between them.
“I just think,” he said slowly, trying to calm himself down, “that the best thing for both of us is to wait until you graduate high school. Once you’re out, they can’t hold anything against me or you, an’ then we can go from there.”
“But I thought that was the plan anyway? You’d take that job in Sunnydale and I’d come see you on weekends.”
“I mean…we shouldn’t see each other at all. They’ll be watching both of us, Buffy.”
“Why even say that I’ll see you when I graduate,” she said angrily. “Why not just break up with me since that’s obviously what you’re doing!”
“No,” he said abruptly and grabbed her arms. “That’s not what I’m doing. Don’t you know…fuck, don’t you know how hard this is for me? Don’t you know how much I love you? This is…Buffy, I have to do this. We have to do this. Just until you graduate.”
“That’s so far away,” she said crying, falling limp in his arms when he pulled her against him.
“I know it seems that way, but I promise it will go by faster than you think.”
“I hate this.”
“I do too, pet,” he kissed her forehead and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, holding her closer.
“When are we leaving?”
“As soon as you’re packed and ready to go.”
She nodded and pulled away from him, lifting her chin in the air as she walked to the guest bedroom. When she closed the door behind her, she slid down the length of it and sobbed.