Chapter 9
William, Wesley, and Andrew were nerds. There was no arguing that. Though they were from different categories of the term, they bonded together as a team. All three of them had met in high school and instantly grew attached to one another. The things they came up with when they put their heads together were really quite impressive.
Today was no different, though William wished they had more time to plan something magnificent, considering the wealth of resources all three of them possessed. They only had a few hours to pull this off.
Andrew had a niche for electronics, specifically spyware and gadgets used to make him the ultimate stalker. He once made hydro-binoculars that could focus even under water, headphones that could pick up the sound of a heartbeat when directed at a target from over 500 feet away. Cameras and microphones so sensitive he stored them in layers of foam core. He even made the trio a set of walkie-talkies that had built-in GPS tracking devices so should one of them get lost, kidnapped, or beaten and left somewhere, the other two could find them. It was genius and great tools to use during a game of laser tag.
Wesley was a nerd of literature. Name a philosopher and he’d quote verbatim. Mention a theology long in extinction and Wesley would spout off a list of demigods and rituals in relation to the culture that had once believed in it. It made for fantastic Dungeons and Dragons campaigns. From Shakespeare to Voltaire, Byron to Palahniuk, Wesley was a walking library of knowledge.
This knowledge spread to pop culture, as well, the main reason he worked at the video store. One never entered a game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with Wesley. You would not win. He didn’t need the job, but he liked guessing what films people were looking for, making suggestions from their likes and dislikes, and reaping the benefits of the employee discount: all the free rentals he ever could want! While Wesley hadn’t the patience for building gadgets or trying to determine binary hydrides and their anions, cations, and radicals like Andrew and William, he was great for other things, things that Andrew and Will had no interest in. Wesley could draw and he could also draw one hell of a blueprint.
This proved most useful when the three of them snuck into the faculty lounge a few months ago to bug the dean’s private room. It seemed almost cliché, but the air ducts really were the best escape route. From this experiment, they learned that the dean had a porn addiction that far surpassed even theirs, and they were horny virgins. They killed transmission after two weeks. Some things teenagers simply didn’t need to know.
William, however, was harder to pinpoint in a specific genre of nerd. For exactly ten years, William entered Science Fairs. And for exactly ten years, he won every single time. This caused an upset when he was much younger, having won over the older kids who had thought their experiments and inventions were very complicated and well thought out. What they didn’t know, was that an eleven-year-old boy named William Pratt would be building a 4 mega-watt laser. A 4 mega-watt laser that worked. It had taken him six months to design and three to build, five to test and a single day to win a blue ribbon. It was rather anti-climactic.
He was bombarded with college scouts from the finest schools in the UK, all of whom wanted him on their team. To build. To engineer. To rub elbows with some of the finest. But he was only eleven years old and his parents didn’t want him to grow up too fast. So they turned down all offers, even those made to him when he moved to the States. He continued to build. He continued to experiment. To win blue ribbons he always kept on display. Having no friends except for Andrew and Wesley gave William ample time on his own to invent things. MIT called his senior year, begging him to join their team of scientists.
But MIT was not notorious for having pretty girls or wild, drunken parties. And William wanted to discover that, at least for a while. He’d go to UC Sunnydale for exactly one year, screw as many women as he could, and then he’d leave to pursue his dreams of teaming up with geniuses like himself. But then he’d met Buffy and things were starting to change. Starting to shift. His original plan to be king of the mountain had formed into being the love of Buffy’s life. He’d merely kissed her, touched her intimately yes, but hadn’t crossed the line of anything really indecent so far. But he was already done for. He didn’t want for anyone else and suddenly, iodized molecules and general relativity and organic reagents didn’t seem as enticing.
And besides, if he left UC Sunnydale and went to MIT, he would miss out on things like this.
“This is Sleestak, reporting that I have arrived at the rendezvous point, do you copy?” William clicked the button on his walkie-talkie as he crouched behind a bush near the campus dining hall. Wesley was behind him, waiting for the signal.
“Sleestak, copy that, this is R2.” Andrew’s voice sounded out through William’s receiver. “Reading your positions now, over.”
William watched three tiny dots appear on the GPS screen, indicating their positions on the school campus.
“Sleestak is red,” Andrew said, “Rogue 1 is green, and R2 is blue, do you copy?”
“Copy that,” William whispered. “Mission one starting in…three…two…” William raised his fist by his head. “One.” He waved his fist in a circle, the signal they’d agreed on, and Wesley ran past him. “Rogue 1 is in motion, over.”
“Copy that, tracking green now, over.”
Andrew watched from his hidden position on the roof of the dining hall. He hurried to set up his binoculars on the roof’s edge and he lay on his stomach, focusing the lens when Wesley came into view. “Sleestak, move to position three, over.”
“Copy that.” William, who was dressed in black from head to toe, crouched and dashed across the sidewalk to another bush. “Red position three, over.”
Andrew scanned the campus grounds for their target, keeping a close watch on Wesley who was already in position.
Wesley stood near the dining hall doors, passing out fliers that they made earlier in the day. He was only to hand the fliers to women, and not to engage with them. This proved problematic when Cordelia Chase and Buffy Summers decided to dine an hour before their usual schedule. Wesley’s eyes grew wide as the two of them made a beeline towards him.
“Brown Birdie and Betty Rubble moving to green, abort! Abort!” William shouted frantically into his walkie talkie. “Shit, shit, shit.”
“Do not abort mission,” Andrew said. “Move to position two, Sleestak. Over.”
“Fuck,” William muttered under his breath.
* * *
“Hey, Wesley!” Buffy said cheerily. “This is Cordelia, my good friend.”
He swallowed, his eyes darting from bush to bush behind them in search of William. This was not good. “H-hello, ladies.”
Buffy and Cordelia shared a look. “Are…you ok?”
“I’m a bit flummoxed at the moment.” His face paled when Parker came into view on his way to the dining hall. “Uh…ladies! Can you help me with something?” He wedged his way between them and slung his arms over their shoulders, quickly walking them into the cafeteria.
“Sure,” Buffy said cautiously, her hair bouncing as Wesley practically shoved them towards the food line.
“Would you mind passing these fliers out to your girlfriends after lunch?”
He handed them each a stack, ignoring their confused expressions as he desperately tried to get back to his position. “Thanks, I appreciate it!”
Before they could protest, he turned and ran back outside. The two girls looked down at the fliers in their hands.
“Exposé,” Cordelia read aloud, “a diverse experience of human sexuality, lies, and betrayal. Tonight at seven in the Quad. No boys allowed.”
Cordelia raised an eyebrow as she looked over at Buffy.
* * *
“Rogue-1 in returned position, over,” Andrew said once Wesley was back where he belonged. He let out a sigh of relief that Parker had stayed outside for a bit longer to make out with his latest conquest. But now he was moving toward the dining hall. “Terminator in ugly corduroy jacket, and in line of fire, over.”
“Copy that,” William said, taking a deep breath. He had never met Parker before and once he got a good look at him, William’s eyes narrowed. This was the jerk who’d made Buffy cry, who’d taken advantage of her? The dick that he finally recognized from the miniature golf course the night before and probably the reason why Buffy had grown quiet. He’d humiliated his friend publicly and used his girl for sex and William was ready for war. “Moving to rendezvous with the enemy, over.”
He tucked his walkie-talkie into the back pocket of his jeans and followed behind Parker unnoticed. He raised his fist by his head again and Wesley acknowledged that he’d seen the second signal with a curt nod. Wesley walked down the steps towards them and stopped Parker.
“I’m terribly sorry to bother you, but have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?” Wesley asked him.
Parker’s arm was around his girlfriend’s waist and he groaned, trying to get past him. “Get a life, loser,” he said, but Wesley blocked his path.
Meanwhile, William was casually reaching into Parker’s coat pocket in search of a cellular phone. He could be one stealthy bastard when he wanted to be, something Wesley told him that if he were able to channel that stealth into talking to girls, he would be unstoppable. He only just then realized that Wes might have been onto something.
“It’s just that Jesus wants to save you,” Wesley continued, adequately distracting Parker and his girlfriend, “and I think that a man with your reputation could do wonders for our church.”
“I’m not interested in your stupid church,” Parker said.
William finally located Parker’s cell phone and had to move fast. They’d rigged a pulley and basket by the rendezvous point and he dropped the phone into the basket, tugged on the wire once, and tapped the receiver button on his walkie.
Andrew went into action. He zip-lined the basket to the roof, popped the back of the phone off, slipped in his device, and hurried to replace the cover. But Parker was losing his patience and now physically pushing Wesley out of his way.
“Jesus loves you!” Wes was shouting.
“Back off, man! You want me to kick your ass?”
“Just listen to me for two seconds.”
William bounced on his heels as he waited for the basket and Wesley was losing the battle to keep their target distracted. Parker gave Wes a solid push, succeeding in knocking him to the ground, and walked into the dining hall.
“Fuck,” William cursed, and pulled out his walkie-talkie. “Terminator out of clearance. What are you doing up there, R2?”
The rope had caught around Andrew’s ankle and he’d taken too long to unwind it. He was in a panic and almost dropped his walkie as he tried to send the basket down and speak into the receiver at the same time. “Sorry, I’m sorry! Basket coming down, over.”
William’s body tensed in frustration and he walked over to Wesley to help him to stand up. “We blew it,” he said.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep him forever,” Wesley said, wiping the dirt off his trousers.
Finally, the basket lowered, and William plucked the phone out, tapping the back of it with his anxious fingers as he came up with a plan. “Fuck it, I’m going in.”
“William, are you mad?”
“Watch me.” He strolled into the dining hall, keeping his eyes straight ahead as he walked towards Parker. He purposely rammed into his shoulder and Parker whirled around, angry and put out.
“Watch it.”
“Sorry,” William said with a smile, and continued on his merry way. Parker had no idea that when he bumped into him, William had simultaneously slipped his phone back into Parker’s coat pocket. Without missing a step, the surreptitious nerd continued to walk into the dining hall towards Buffy and Cordelia, his smile growing wider when he approached their table.
“Hello, ladies,” he said silkily, taking a seat beside Buffy.
She smiled prettily, adjusting the rose behind her ear. “Hey, you. Cordy and I went shopping this morning and there were hardly any sales.”
“Total bust,” Cordelia said, picking the crust off of her bread roll. “So we bailed and decided to get lunch here.”
“Sorry to hear that,” William said, turning away from Cordelia to get a proper look at his girl. “You look lovely today.”
She blushed and he grinned proudly at that. “Thank you. You’re so sweet.” He cleared his throat when her hand twined with his beneath the table.
“Hello, not alone!” Cordelia snapped her fingers.
“Sorry,” they replied in unison. William stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. He couldn’t wait to see her later that evening.
“So, what’s up with this thing in the Quad tonight?” Cordy asked, showing William the flier. “It sounds kinda pervy, especially the no boys allowed part.”
He tried to stifle his smile and said very seriously, “It’s a social experiment. Very enlightening stuff, so they tell me. They asked a bunch of us to pass out fliers. You two should go.”
“Who asked you?”
William shrugged. “Don’t know the guy. Seemed mysterious. Wish I could go.”
“I thought you wanted to hang out tonight?” Buffy was pouting. God, he could squeeze her.
“We will. Got a few things to take care of then I’m all yours. But I think you should check this thing out tonight. They ask you to pass out fliers, too?”
“Yeah, Wesley did.”
He nodded. “Must be a big deal, then.” He put his hand on Buffy’s knee and sighed happily at the silky feel of her skin.
“If this is some ploy to get a bunch of girls to kiss one another or something, I’ll never speak to either of you ever again.” Cordelia picked up her stack of fliers and stood up. “Anyway, I’ll pass these out on my way back to my dorm. Buffy, you coming?”
“Yeah, I’ll meet you in a second.” She waved at Cordelia when she turned to leave. Then she tilted her head as she looked at William.
“What is it?”
“Nothing.” Then she placed her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. Her innocent gesture only lasted a second before her fingers were in his hair and his tongue was in her mouth. “Mmm,” she mumbled against his lips and if she wasn’t careful, he’d need a notebook to walk out of the dining hall. She was kissing him in front of all these people! French kissing, no less, and moving to straddle his waist.
“Sleestak, do you copy?” came the sound of Andrew’s voice from William’s back pocket.
“What was that?” Buffy pulled away abruptly and William cleared his throat, laughing nervously.
He reached into his pocket to turn the volume down on his walkie-talkie. “Radio. Sorry.”
“Oh.” She shrugged and kissed him again before moving to drive him crazy by nipping at his throat. It allowed him to see over her shoulder and he scowled at Andrew and Wesley who were staring at him from the doorway of the dining hall.
“Go away,” he mouthed to them, right before his eyelashes fluttered as she sucked on his throat.
Wesley pointed to his watch authoritatively and Andrew put his hands on his hips.
William let out a long sigh and reluctantly pulled her back by the shoulders, kissing her once more chastely on the lips. “I have to go.”
“Why?” Her hands were running down his chest and he really couldn’t stand resisting her, not when she was so amorous and sexy and making him hard as nails.
“I’ve got some…errands and things to take care of before our date.”
“What kind of errands?” She bit his earlobe and he wanted to die. Andrew and Wesley glared at him from across the room.
“Boring…stuff…oh, please stop that.” Licking. She was licking his neck, dragging her lips along the column of his throat. He whimpered.
“I thought about you all morning,” she said breathily. His hands tightened around her waist.
“Y-you did?”
“Mmhmm. Did you think about me?”
Only every second. “A little.” Good. Play it cool.
“Only a little?” She casually shifted her hips, allowing her crotch to graze over his erection. She smiled knowingly.
“You realize I have to stand up in a minute, don’t you?”
She giggled and nodded. “Yup. Guess you better stay seated for a while until it goes away, huh?”
“Oh, now that’s just not fair.”
Her eyelids lowered a fraction and she whispered, “I’ll make it up to you later.”
That didn’t make his erection go away. Not at all.
* * *
Each one of them had very specific jobs to do and they had to pull them off without a hitch or none of this would work. The most difficult task of them all would be getting Parker to arrive at the appropriate time. This was Andrew’s mission, and he had been preparing himself for it all day. For the better part of a year, Andrew had successfully avoided speaking to Parker, in fear that he would be humiliated yet again.
But not today.
Having his friends on his side gave him the confidence he needed to march up to Parker’s dorm room door. It was exactly seven pm. The girls were already flooding the rec room in the Quad, everything had been set up and ready to go when Andrew left Wesley and William behind. It was time.
He knocked on the door.
* * *
The Quad was the biggest housing facility on campus so it had the largest recreational room, fit for all sorts of private parties. It was almost as wide as the dining hall and could easily seat a hundred or more, if chairs were set up in rows, as they were today. The chairs were directed towards a projector screen that hung from the ceiling, illuminated by three pin-lights that swirled and crisscrossed one another as if part of a laser light show. Girls of all social classes filed into the rows of seats, talking amongst one another, trying to figure out why they’d been invited and what they were about to see.
Buffy and Cordelia sat near the front, one of them with a smile on her face and the other looking rather bored about the whole thing. But then the lights went out and the crowd gasped in excitement.
“Ladies and…ladies,” a voice sounded out from a loudspeaker. There was giggling in the audience and then it spoke again. “Welcome.”
The voice had obviously been disguised which added to their curiosity. It switched from very low to very high, slow to very fast, as it introduced the attraction for the evening.
“Tonight we will examine human sexuality and the lengths that males go through to obtain a mate. Specifically, we will be examining the behaviors of one, Parker Abrams.”
The mention of the campus stallion sparked a murmur of whispers among the girls. From behind a curtain, Wesley and William snickered, covering up a microphone with their hands so they wouldn’t be heard. They had been passing the scrambler back and forth, taking turns to speak to the crowd so that no one could pinpoint their voices, not that any of them had ever had a conversation with them before. But they figured to err on the side of caution.
An image of Parker was projected onto the screen, just to clarify in case anyone in the audience hadn’t met him before. A few girls squealed in delight, and a few others booed.
Buffy shifted nervously in her seat.
* * *
“RoboCop,” Parker said with a sly grin when he opened the door.
“Terminator.” Andrew squared his shoulders.
“What do you want? I have a date in thirty minutes.”
“I just wanted to know if you’re happy.”
Parker looked at him strangely, scrunching his large eyebrows together as he looked the shorter man over. “Huh?”
Andrew licked his lips and tried to seem casual. “Well, I mean, the benefit this evening has to be giving you a big head, even though it was big enough to begin with.”
“Benefit? What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You didn’t hear?”
“Obviously I didn’t. Get to the point, geek.”
Andrew’s nostrils flared and he clenched his fists. “The girls in the Quad are like…putting on some benefit in your honor.”
* * *
“To be someone like Parker Abrams must take serious balls, balls that I have never and will never possess,” Wesley said into the scrambler. “And he must have enormous balls and he must also never sleep. How he manages so many women at the same time is almost impressive. Ladies, I’d like to present to you my first experiment.”
The image on the screen changed, displaying Parker and a brunette girl in a courtyard. They were lying on the grass in an intimate embrace. The date on the bottom of the screen read 10/15/2008. The time was 10:28 am.
“Here we see Parker in a lip lock with a very attractive girl. Please note the date and time.”
The din in the room grew louder as the girls whispered to one another. Then the image changed and the sounds of angry and appalled gasps echoed in the large room. It was Parker with another girl in a similar fashion as the one previous, but the date was the same and the time was only an hour later.
“Perhaps these girls knew of one another,” William spoke into the scrambler. “And perhaps they had no idea the other existed. Thus, our experiment went a step further.”
Wesley clicked the remote for the projector and the image changed again. It was a third girl, and that picture had been taken the very next day following the first two photos.
When Andrew stalked someone, he did it right. He had a box in his room that was filled with nothing but surveillance images, the bulk of which were marked “Terminator is Terminated”. The trio was glad to finally put them to use.
“For our second experiment, we ask that you all remain quiet.”
William had wired the PA system earlier that day and when he pressed play on the tiny tape recorder in his pocket, it sounded out over the loudspeakers.
* * *
“A benefit?” Parker smiled smugly. “You know why, don’t you? Because I got a cock that makes the ladies scream.”
Andrew grimaced and a disgusted shiver ran up his spine. “Yeah…I guess. So, anyway, it’s starting now so if you want to hear all about it, you can sneak in the back entrance near the fountains. I mean, if you just showed up they’d probably be really embarrassed.”
“Back entrance, huh?” Parker seemed to be considering this, scratching his chin. He checked his watch.
“Oh!” Andrew rushed to say, “Don’t worry about the time. You won’t miss your date.”
Parker shrugged. “Yeah, why not. A little ego boost never hurt anyone.”
Andrew stepped back to allow Parker to exit. He smiled wickedly as he watched him walk down the hallway. Then he pulled out his walkie-talkie, pressed the button on the side and said, “The Terminator has left the building.”
* * *
“Hey, Samantha,” Parker’s pre-recorded voice said smoothly through the rec room’s PA system.
“Hey, sexy. Can’t wait to see you tonight.”
“Yeah, listen…about that. I have to cancel.”
“Aww, why?”
“Well, my mom called. She’s…she’s not doing well. I told her I’d come see her and keep her company. Ever since Dad…I just need to see her. Spend more time with Mom, you know?”
“You’re such a good son.”
“I do what I can. I’m sorry about tonight. You aren’t mad, are you?”
“No, baby. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Kiss-kiss.”
The call ended and William tapped Wesley on the shoulder when he got Andrew’s walkie-message. “He’s on his way,” he whispered. “I’m moving into position.”
Wesley nodded and took the tape recorder from him. The girls were going crazy now, loudly talking to one another. “Ladies, I understand your concern but please bear with me. The voice you just heard was, in fact, Parker Abrams. That conversation was one hour ago. This next one took place fifteen minutes later.” He pressed play.
“Rebecca.”
“Hey, Parker.”
“So, are we on tonight?”
“You know it. I’m wearing those red panties you like so much.”
“Ooh, I can’t wait. Man, you won’t believe the day I had. A night with you is sure to make it all better.”
* * *
Parker found the door that Andrew clued him in on, right by the fountains. He quietly pushed on the metal bar to open the door and snuck inside. He could hear a voice sounding out through the speakers, but it was muffled from where he was standing and he couldn’t make out the words. Deciding to go in a bit further so he could hear, he slid along the back wall.
But before he could move, he was suddenly stopped by a man wearing a black ski-mask, black clothing, and black gloves.
“Where do you think you’re going?” The man said to him, his voice low and British.
* * *
Wesley pressed pause and said, “It is well known by many of you that Parker Abrams recently lost a father.” Wesley waited for the girls’ chatter to die down before he continued. “But what if I was to tell you that not only is Parker Abrams’ father not dead, but that he has been lying about it in order to get laid?”
William, Wes and Andrew couldn’t believe that the bug in Parker’s phone had worked, considering that Andrew only had twenty minutes to build it. They’d been recording Parker’s phone messages all day. When they heard this particular conversation, however, that’s when all bets were off.
Wesley didn’t hesitate to press play.
“Hey, Dad. How’s Mom doing?”
“She’s good. How about you? Still a little lady killer?”
Parker laughed. “I learn from the best. Got five different girls right now. It’s wearing me out.”
“I told you college would change you. It’s hard to imagine that only a year ago, you were wearing head gear.”
Wesley pressed stop, smiling in delight when the girls started shouting and booing, throwing things at the screen.
“And now, for the subject of our experiment. I give you, with my condolences, Parker Abrams.”
* * *
“I was just—”
“Come with me. The women want to thank you for your services,” the man in the ski mask said cheerily, grabbing Parker by the arm and quickly leading him down a corridor.
“So, they knew I’d come, huh?”
“Of course they did. Planned on it, really. Stand here, would you?”
“S-sure.”
The masked man patted him roughly on the shoulders and then was suddenly gone, as if he’d vanished in thin air. Parker could hear girls from the other side of the curtain, shouting something, and he smiled proudly right as a set of curtains opened before him, revealing the mass of women in the audience.
* * *
William pulled off his ski mask and ran to the audience to watch their work. The women had formed a union of solidarity and with their fists in the air and scowls on their faces, they charged after Parker. William laughed when he saw Parker’s smug grin turn into that of fright. He backed away, shouting in protest, but they swarmed around him in an instant.
William was so caught up in laughing that he didn’t notice Buffy and Cordelia standing right in front of him. His laughter died out and his eyes grew wide and nervous when he finally spotted them. “H-hey.”
“Did you do this?” Buffy’s arms were folded, her hip cocked to the side, her eyes narrow slits and William wasn’t so sure he knew how to handle this very pissed off side of her.
“Uh…um…”
And really, thank God for Andrew, because he’d come to his side. “He wasn’t alone.”
Wesley, too, had joined Andrew in the supportive huddle around William. “I, as well, had my hand in it.”
Cordelia also wore an expression of distaste and suspicion was swimming in her eyes. “You three put this together?”
“Yes,” they said simultaneously.
“How’d you get those phone conversations?” And it was awfully hard to hear them with all the shrieking going on in the background, but they managed to get the gist.
“I built a bug,” Andrew said loudly.
“I stole the phone and put together the PA system and projector.” William looked at the ground.
“I was the distraction, in charge of the artistry of that fine flier in your hands and most of the performance.”
The girls remained quiet for what seemed like an eternity and then Buffy smiled and said, “That’s like…the coolest thing anyone has ever done.”
“No kidding! You guys are like James Bond in the making!” Cordelia added enthusiastically.
Wesley grinned proudly. “Thank you. I came up with most of the idea.”
“Did not!” Andrew huffed.
William smiled bashfully at Buffy. “You aren’t mad?”
She shook her head and kissed him, smiling against his lips. “He deserved it. He’s an asshole.”
Said asshole, whose clothes were now tattered from the attack, slinked against the wall beside them on his way to the exit.
“You did this, didn’t you, Buffy?” Parker said desperately, flailing his arms to ward off the scratching, clawing, and biting females that surrounded him.
She gasped in feigned shock. “Oh, Parker…don’t be that way. I thought you’d be more mature than that.” With a little bit of a condescending pout, she gave him one last glance before she laced her fingers with William’s and pulled him outside.
“You don’t want to see the show?” William asked.
“Nope.” She said happily, leaning into his side when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I have what I need right here.”