Chapter 39
In retrospect, Elizabeth really should’ve anticipated the awkwardness. In fact, now that she thought about it, she wished she had considered this whole situation before she broke up with Spike.
As it was, she sat down and got nervous smiles from Willow, Jonathan, and Andrew. Spike and Anya had been a little bit behind her in line. They didn’t even look in the direction of the Westing House table as they sat down at one of the guest tables at the far side of the dining hall. Soon, they were joined by Cordelia and Xander.
Willow bit her lip at the split. Elizabeth felt guilty. Spike had obviously passed the denial stage and was well into the ‘wronged party’ act. Elizabeth couldn’t exactly say she blamed him. After all, she had been the one to call things off as well as refusing all his overtures of peace and reconciliation. With a pain in her heart, she wondered if this was what it had been like after Drusilla had dumped him. In any case, it sure wasn’t pretty.
“So…where’s Tara today?” Jonathan asked nervously, trying to come up with some remotely neutral topic.
“Don’t know,” Willow shrugged. “Haven’t had time to see her in a week.”
“Oh,” Jonathan said quietly.
“That sucks,” Andrew offered.
Willow nodded. “Yeah,” she agreed.
More munching in silence ensued.
“This, er, food,” Andrew offered. “Sucks, huh?”
“Yeah,” Elizabeth and Willow agreed in perfect monotone.
More silence.
“You know what also sucks?” Jonathan spoke up after a minute.
“What?” Andrew asked curiously.
“This.” Jonathan gestured around vaguely. “It’s all uncomfortable. That sucks.”
“Yeah,” Andrew agreed.
Elizabeth sighed. “I’m fine,” she insisted. “I’m not going to break down if someone mentions Spike’s name.”
“That’s good,” Willow said with a bit more spirit. “’Cause for a while you, y’know, did. Whenever anyone mentioned him, I mean.”
Elizabeth smiled at her roommate’s babbling habit.
“He’s not sitting here,” Andrew pointed out the obvious. “Is it really…y’know…that bad?”
“Worse,” Elizabeth groaned. “God, this all turned out so terribly…”
“Well, it’s dangerous,” Willow pointed out, “dating someone in the house. ‘Cause, then, if it doesn’t work out… Well, badness follows.”
“Major badness,” Jonathan agreed, giving Elizabeth a sympathetic smile.
“I’m so sorry about this, guys,” she apologized. “Maybe I should sit somewhere else so—”
“You have a right to sit wherever you want,” Willow pointed out. “Just like Spike does. It’s his choice.”
She sighed. “I just feel bad for… Sorry you all have to get dragged into this,” she assured them.
“Hey, at least it can only get better,” Jonathan offered her a smile.
“Unless it doesn’t,” Andrew countered, looking over to where Spike’s group was huddled around him, obviously talking about something grave. It didn’t exactly take a genius to figure out what it was.
“Shut up, doofus!” Jonathan exclaimed in a hushed whisper, whacking Andrew on the back of the head.
“Ow,” Andrew complained in a whiny voice, rubbing at his head. “That hurt, you penis.”
“It’s all right,” Elizabeth cut them off before the fighting could escalate. “He’s probably just telling the truth,” she assured Jonathan.
He turned back to the task of swirling the inedible ‘food’ on his plate around in a nervous manner. “So, how’s calc going?” he abruptly changed the subject.
Elizabeth was only too glad to let him get away with it. “Midterm’s a week from Friday,” she answered. “I was wondering if you could help me review?”
“No problem,” Jonathan agreed. “I’m always in my room. Like always.”
Elizabeth nodded. “How about you, Wills?” she inquired. “Dreading midterms this time around?”
Willow sighed. “The devil created my schedule this semester,” she agreed.
“Didn’t you choose your own schedule?” Elizabeth asked with a slight smile.
“Yeah, that would make you the devil, then,” Andrew caught onto the line of teasing.
“It’s always the one you least suspect,” Willow agreed with a grin.
Light, somewhat-forced laughter followed.
“Uh-oh, here’s Devon,” Jonathan pointed out.
Both tables looked up as the junior in question looked back and forth between the two, trying to make up his mind. Elizabeth rubbed her temples. Oh yes, as Jonathan had so eloquently put it, this very much sucked…
* * *
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sooo sorry!”
Elizabeth smiled at the words that had immediately greeted her upon answering the phone. “That’s only sixty-five more you owe me,” she informed her half-sister, marking off the latest five of the hundred apologies the other girl had chosen to give her in increments.
“I’m getting there,” Dawn agreed. “So how goes dad’s evil scheme to fuck up your life?”
Elizabeth didn’t even bother to scold her for swearing. “Pretty life-fuck-up-ing,” she answered with a slight smile. “You?”
“Mom chucked him out last night,” Dawn offered in a jaded voice.
“Think it’ll take this time?” Elizabeth wondered.
“Didn’t take the last five times,” Dawn countered with a wistful sigh.
“I’m sorry you have to be stuck in the middle of it,” Elizabeth said with a grimace.
“Well, at least June’s only two months away,” Dawn countered hopefully. “Have you and Spike decided what you’re doing this summer yet?”
Elizabeth felt the beginnings of a headache forming. This was the first time her sister had called since… Well, to put it mildly, she hadn’t been particularly looking forward to this conversation. “Dawn, are you sitting down?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Dawn answered somewhat confusedly before her breath caught. “Oh my god! Elizabeth, did something bad happen?” she asked worriedly.
“You might say that,” Elizabeth agreed sadly.
“No one died, did they?” Dawn asked with a squeak. “Not Giles? ‘Cause I know he’s old and—”
“No one died,” Elizabeth cut her off, putting those worries to rest. “It’s just…”
“What?” Dawn demanded when the silence on the other end of the line had gone on for too long.
“Spike and I…we kinda broke up,” Elizabeth finally admitted.
Complete silence on Dawn’s part.
“Dawn, are you still there?” Elizabeth finally ventured to ask.
“You’re not kidding?” Dawn’s voice sounded sad and hopeful at the same time.
“No,” Elizabeth informed her with equal sadness.
“How long?” Dawn asked, obviously trying to keep her voice composed. “I mean, is this just a fight, or…?”
“A little over a week,” Elizabeth answered. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but…”
“I guess you’ve had a lot on your mind,” Dawn agreed with a sniff. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah…” Elizabeth sighed.
“How?” Dawn wanted to know. “I mean, did he just call it off, or—?”
“I broke up with him,” Elizabeth immediately corrected her.
“What?!” Dawn screeched in disbelief. “Are you out of your mind?”
“Everyone seems to think so,” Elizabeth winced. “But, really, Dawn, things were—”
“What?” Dawn demanded in a sullen voice. “What could he possibly have done?” She let out a gasp of surprise. “Oh my god, he didn’t cheat on you, did he?”
“No, of course not,” Elizabeth insisted vehemently. “Things just got…well, strained, and then it just sort of fell apart, and…” A sob.
Dawn frowned. “It’s dad’s fault, isn’t it?” she accused.
“Kinda,” Elizabeth admitted. “Having him as a third-wheel in our relationship wasn’t exactly helping.”
“And you dumped Spike instead of dad?” Dawn asked in disbelief. “Screwed up much?”
“Look, Dawn, I’m sorry,” Elizabeth said sincerely. “I know you really like Spike, but…things really just weren’t working out.”
“Did you even bother to try and fix them?” Dawn snapped angrily.
“As a matter of fact, I did,” Elizabeth shot back. “What happened was not all my fault!”
“Whatever,” Dawn retorted sourly. Elizabeth could practically hear her sulking.
“This doesn’t mean our summer’s ruined, though,” Elizabeth assured her. “We can still get together and escaped evil parental clutches…”
“God, I didn’t even think about that,” Dawn said with a sigh. And then a sniffle. “This means I’m never going to see him again, doesn’t it?” An all-out sob. “Or Giles and Joyce?”
“Oh, Dawn, I’m so sorry,” Elizabeth cooed. “And that’s not necessarily true…” Her voice broke as tears formed in her own eyes. “I don’t want it to be true,” she gasped between sobs, “because then I won’t ever get to see them again, either.”
“Then, why?” Dawn demanded.
“I don’t know,” Elizabeth sniffled wearily. “He just got me so mad, and then…”
“Can’t you just apologize?” Dawn wondered. “Make it up to him?”
“I’m not sure that would be enough,” Elizabeth sighed before her resolve hardened once more. “Besides, I was right about some of the stuff.”
“So, make him apologize, too,” Dawn requested.
“It’s not that simple,” Elizabeth insisted.
“Why not?” Dawn demanded. “Don’t you miss him?”
“I cried nonstop for three days after we broke up.” Elizabeth brushed at her teared-up eyes once more.
“Then, why don’t you just un-break-up with him?” Dawn persisted.
“Because I don’t know how,” Elizabeth answered with a whimper. “He’s so mad at me… And I don’t know what I can do, or even if I should do anything… God, I’m such a complete screw-up!”
“No arguing here,” Dawn mumbled under her breath. “But he still loves you, right? That means he has to forgive you.”
“I can’t,” Elizabeth insisted. “I can’t drag him through this again. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone who’s not this messed up…”
“Shouldn’t that be his choice to make?” Dawn pointed out, exasperated.
“I don’t know,” Elizabeth sighed, wiping away her latest tears. “I don’t know anything anymore…”
* * *
“You’re sure you’re gonna be all right, man?” Xander asked cautiously, watching Spike where he was curled up on the bed, staring at nothing.
“’ll be fine,” he replied half-heartedly.
“Y’know, that’s funny ‘cause you really don’t sound fine,” Xander pointed out.
Spike let out a weary sigh and ran a hand through his unruly platinum curls. “’ve got practice this afternoon,” he insisted with a bit of the old confidence in his voice. “Was figurin’ on going home after that. Get away from this place for a while and all…”
“You’re going to practice?” Xander asked, surprised.
“Always go,” Spike insisted vehemently.
“Yeah, but I kinda figured that what with you not going to class all week…” Xander trailed off. “Won’t Elizabeth be there?” he finally asked bluntly.
Spike had to force himself not to flinch at the name. “So what?” he shrugged.
“So, that way lies endless pain,” Xander pointed out.
“’m not fleeing my entire life just ‘cause I might run into her,” Spike insisted stubbornly.
Xander would have commented, but he found it encouraging enough that Spike was willing to leave his room of his own devices that he didn’t push things. Avoiding Elizabeth at all costs and moping about had been his primary activities as of late.
“You’re sure you don’t want me and Anya to stay in for the evening?” he offered one last time. “’Cause we could all play poker or watch a movie or something.”
“Don’t need your pity, Harris,” Spike grumbled in a surly manner.
Xander gave him a skeptical look.
“’ll be fine,” Spike insisted with a sigh, “or as good as I can get, anyway. Don’t wanna mess up things for you an’ Anyanka just ‘cause ‘m depressed right now.”
“Despite all her complaining, Anya actually doesn’t really mind hanging out with you,” Xander pointed out. “We’re both cool with staying here.”
Spike let out a sigh of exasperation. “Go,” he insisted. “Make with the merry and all that rot. Didn’t stick my nose into your business just so the two ‘f you could play nursemaids to me.”
“That’s funny,” Xander joked lightly, “’cause that’s actually one of Anya’s favorite games…”
Spike didn’t even crack a smile.
“Wow, tough crowd,” Xander added hopefully.
“Look, Xander,” Spike finally said wearily, “I get what you’re tryin’ to do, and I ‘ppreciate it. But I can handle myself, an’ you and Anyanka can’t revolve your lives around me.”
“You really promise you’ll be okay?” Xander pressed.
“Have Anyanka write up a business contract to that effect, and ‘ll sign it,” Spike agreed.
“Joke,” Xander nodded. “Definitely a sign of the good…”
“Go,” Spike insisted. “I’ll live.”
“Right,” Xander nodded. “Thanks, man.”
Spike shrugged and nabbed his volume of ‘Catch 22’ from the bookshelf.
“And you won’t drink, right?” Xander pressed.
Spike scowled up at him. “No, mother,” he said sarcastically.
Xander nodded and raised an eyebrow when Spike pulled out a cigarette.
“What? ‘m not allowed to smoke now?” Spike demanded in indignation.
“Actually, Anya gave us a rather detailed speech this afternoon about how we should encourage it,” Xander admitted with a smile. “Something about periods of high emotional stress not being the best time to quit smoking.”
Spike took in a deep breath of smoke and managed a smile. “Better hold onto that woman ‘f yours,” he teased lightly. “She’s got brains. You don’t keep a look out, and I might just steal her from you.”
“I can honestly say that Anya would like nothing better than for you to try,” Xander agreed with a grin.
“Oh, so she can ‘ave two men fightin’ over her, but you can’t have two women goin’ after you?” Spike inquired with a raised eyebrow.
“Double standard,” Xander decided with a rueful shake of his head.
“Women… Bloody impossible to understand,” Spike agreed.
Xander nodded. “There’s anything I can do…” he left the offer open.
“’ll let you know,” Spike assured him. “Now, don’t keep that beautiful girlfriend ‘f yours waiting.”
“Right,” Xander agreed. “Bye.”
Spike gave him an inarticulate grunt in response. As soon as the other man had shut the door behind him, however, Spike dropped his book and snatched up the phone. Hitting the redial button, he waited impatiently for the other end to be picked up.
“Hello?” a familiar voice inquired.
“’lo, dad,” Spike said, allowing his eyes to tear up for the first time that day.
“How are you, Will?” Giles asked sympathetically.
“Crappy,” Spike admitted, reaching over for a tissue. “I just… ‘S not getting any easier…”
“It will get easier,” Giles promised him. “Are you in a killing mood right now or a begging forgiveness one?” he inquired matter-of-factly.
Spike managed a wry smile. “A little ‘f both, actually.”
“Ah, yes,” Giles agreed. “I believe I managed to perfectly alternate threats with pleas after Olivia broke up with me,” he reminisced. “Not one of my finer moments.”
“She next?” Spike inquired with a little sniffle.
“Oh no,” Giles assured him. “I have much more misery to get through before I reach her.”
Spike lay back again his pillows and sighed. “It gets better?” he demanded skeptically.
“I promise,” Giles assured him. “Now, where was I?”
“Jenny,” Spike provided with a small smile.
Giles groaned. “You’re sure you want to hear all this?” he inquired for the umpteenth time.
“Beats my own pain,” Spike shrugged.
“Indeed, it does,” Giles agreed emotionally before relating his tale.
Spike closed his eyes and let his father’s comforting voice wash over him, allowing himself to forget about the petite blond that had just ripped out his heart, if only for a moment…
* * *
“You think it’s all my fault, don’t you?”
The question came right in the middle of one of the intense study sessions Elizabeth had forced herself into to avoid thinking about Spike. It was especially awkward right now when she usually would’ve been at Tae Kwon-Do, but she didn’t want him to feel like she was encroaching upon his life right now, so she hadn’t gone.
“What do you mean?” Willow looked up from her lab book.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean,” she insisted.
Willow nodded slowly. “As RA, it’s my job not to blame either of you,” she answered.
“That’s not a real answer,” Elizabeth pointed out.
“It’s the one I have to give,” Willow countered.
Elizabeth sighed. “I want to know how you really feel,” she requested, “not your ‘official’ feelings.”
Willow grimaced. “You’re sure?” she asked hesitantly.
“I’m sure,” Elizabeth insisted.
“I think you kinda handled things a bit…harshly?” Willow ventured.
“You think it’s my fault,” Elizabeth repeated matter-of-factly.
“Oh, god, yes,” Willow blurted out reflexively. She winced. “What I mean is, well, it was your choice, obviously, but given that Spike got completely…well, screwed over… Not that I’m not sure that you had your reasons…which, admittedly, were a bit confused, but…” Her face flushed bright red. “This is a really bad thing to babble about, isn’t it?”
“It’s okay,” Elizabeth said quietly. “I kinda think I deserve it.”
“Oh no, honey,” Willow assured her. “You don’t—”
“But it’s my fault,” Elizabeth pointed out.
“The break-up, yes,” Willow agreed. “I don’t think there’s much argument on that.”
“Well, that’s good to know,” Elizabeth shivered slightly.
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t get why you did it,” Willow hastily added. “I mean, you had all this conflicting stuff, and something had to happen, so you made your choice, and… I guess, if it was the right one for you to make…”
“God, the first real choice that I make, and I completely blow it!” Elizabeth exclaimed in disgust.
“I wouldn’t say you completely blew it,” Willow assured her. “I mean, this does relieve the pressure on you a bit…”
“Except that everyone hates me now,” Elizabeth said gloomily. “That kinda adds a whole load of pressure right there.”
“Everyone doesn’t hate you,” Willow insisted. “They’re just both Spike’s friends and your friends, and they kinda don’t want to have to choose between you. So, that just makes everything weird since no one knows what to do now that you’re not together.”
“I don’t know what to do now that we’re not together,” Elizabeth pointed out.
“Well, that’s what you’ve got to figure out,” Willow pointed out. “You gave up something big – huge – to figure this problem out.”
“So why isn’t it any easier now?” Elizabeth demanded petulantly.
“’Cause I think there’s some universal rule that things just keep getting harder,” Willow admitted ruefully.
Elizabeth nodded in agreement. “I thought everything was supposed to get clearer,” she sighed, “but now all I can think about is how much I miss him…”
“And that’s not clearer?” Willow inquired gently…