Chapter 38
“I love you,” Spike sighed wistfully just as they heard Xander and Anya’s cries from the room next door.
“I know,” Elizabeth agreed softly. After a moment’s reflection, she scooted across the bed to lie in his arms.
He gave her a shy smile in response to that and carefully wrapped his arms around her.
“I miss the way things were,” she commented, leaning into the gentle kiss he placed on her brow.
“’m sorry things’ve gotten so nasty for you,” he agreed, stroking her hair slowly. “Wish there was somethin’ I could do…”
Elizabeth nodded against him and slipped her arm around his waist. “I can’t go against my father’s wishes,” she insisted.
The muscle in his jaw clenched, and he tried to calm himself down before speaking. “At least look into the other possibilities,” he advised. “That way, you’ll have some ammo next time the two of you come head to head…”
Elizabeth gave him an annoyed glare and sat up so that she could stare down at him. “Why won’t you let this drop?” she demanded.
“Because you won’t let it drop!” he shot back, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation.
“Of course I want it to drop!” she insisted. “I don’t ever want to hear about it again!”
“An’ if you didn’t mope about all the time, bein’ so miserable, then maybe ‘d believe you,” he countered.
“Maybe that’s not why I’m moping,” she bit back harshly. “Ever think of that?”
He blinked in hurt and surprise. “’Lizabeth…” he began cautiously.
Instant guilt hit her. “I didn’t mean that,” she assured him. “It’s not you. I’m just…”
“Angry? Pissed? Afraid?” he suggested.
“What part of ‘I don’t want to talk about this’ don’t you understand?” she sighed in exasperation.
“The part where ‘s hanging over your head every second,” he retorted. “Yeah, you can handle it, but you don’t really want to, and ‘s tearing you apart inside.” He stiffened for a minute as if fighting back some powerful emotion. “It’s hurting you, and it’s hurting us, and you won’t let me in…” His voice broke on the last part.
“I don’t have any choice,” she insisted.
“You’re not even botherin’ to look at the other choices!” he exclaimed in frustration.
“I can’t do it,” she repeated with a vehement shake of her head. “I can’t abandon my father.”
He let out a rueful laugh at that. “Oh no,” he said sarcastically, “certainly can’t abandon daddy. ‘Cause he’s never abandoned you or anything.”
Tears sprung to her eyes at that. “Stop it!” she practically screeched, brushing away the persistent tears that were trying to escape. “Don’t talk about him like that,” she insisted in a ragged voice.
“Why not?” Spike demanded. “You do it all the time. ‘S true, and everyone knows it.” He sighed and reached over to rest his hand on her shoulder. “Look, ‘m sorry if I hurt your feelin’s, but…”
“What?” she whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion.
“He has no right to control you like this,” he stated.
“He’s my father,” Elizabeth shot back.
“I get that,” he agreed, “but he’s never been much ‘f one, and—”
“Oh, I’m so sorry my father’s not exactly like yours,” she snapped bitterly. “Is that inconvenient for you? My bad.”
He let out a roar of frustration. “’S not about me,” he insisted. “I don’t matter. ‘S—”
“You know what?” Elizabeth yanked herself away from his hand. “You’re right. You don’t matter.” Her eyes narrowed as she got off the bed. “And I don’t think I can stand to be around you right now,” she struck out hurtfully before dashing from his room and slamming the door shut behind her.
Spike let out a broken sigh and banged his head back against the wall a couple of times. “Wanker…” he cursed himself.
* * *
Willow had been somewhat surprised to return to her room to find that she suddenly had a roommate once more and that that roommate had apparently been crying for hours.
“Elizabeth, what’s wrong?” she asked carefully, sitting down on her own mattress.
The other woman blinked in surprise, apparently unaware until this point that anyone else was there. She blinked at Willow through red-rimmed eyes, brushing helplessly at the tear-tracks that ran down her cheeks.
“Oh no, sweetie,” Willow cooed reassuringly. “You go ahead and cry. Don’t hold it back…”
“Why is it all going so wrong?” Elizabeth managed to gasp out before breaking into tears once more.
“What is it?” Willow pressed softly. “What happened?”
“S-Spike,” she finally managed to reply.
Willow’s face softened further. “Oh no, did you two have a fight?”
Elizabeth nodded meekly. “Actually, more like a lot of fights. Or just one really big, long fight, depending on how you look at it,” she amended.
“You want me to go give him the Evil Glare of Death?” Willow suggested. “Or, ooh! I could give him the ‘you’re a heartless pig, and you’d better go apologize right now’ speech,” she added excitedly.
Elizabeth managed a weak smile at her friend’s efforts. “Except he kinda isn’t,” she felt obliged to point out.
Willow looked at her sympathetically. “Can you tell me what happened?” she requested softly.
Elizabeth shuddered with one last sob but nodded, pulling the blankets up around her as she sat up against the wall. “Spike wants me to blow off my father and stop with the whole econ thing,” she explained.
Willow frowned slightly. “That sounds pretty demanding,” she pointed out softly.
Elizabeth shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s also…” She bit her lower lip nervously.
“Also what?” Willow asked, curious.
“Kinda what I wish I could do,” Elizabeth admitted with a sigh. “But it can never work,” she quickly amended. “I can’t just…” She broke out crying again.
“That’s it,” Willow soothed, moving over to Elizabeth’s bed and wrapping her arms around her friend. “Just cry it all out…”
“I try to *sob* be so *sniffle* good, and he always *gasp* leaves me,” Elizabeth got out in a jerky staccato. Her voice turned quiet and frightened. “If I do something like this, how do I know he won’t just leave me forever?”
“Oh, honey…” Willow felt tears in her eyes as well, and she caught Elizabeth in a fierce hug. “You don’t,” she finally admitted softly.
“I just can’t,” Elizabeth insisted with a shake of her head. “My dad… I can’t lose him…”
Willow sighed at that. “You love him even though he’s never really been there for you,” she commented. “I get that. I kinda had the whole absentee parents thing myself.”
“But your parents never did this to you,” Elizabeth insisted.
Willow thought for a second. “They really didn’t like that I chose to go here,” she finally said. “They thought I could do better than this.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that one a lot,” Elizabeth agreed with a sniffle. She was too caught up in what Willow was saying to keep crying, though.
“Well, I didn’t want anything better,” Willow insisted. “This was what I wanted. And once my parents realized I was serious… Well, all they really cared about was that I was happy and that I was all right. Because they loved me.”
“I don’t even know that much,” Elizabeth shuddered slightly.
Willow frowned. “Oh, I’m sure your dad—”
“He says he does,” Elizabeth cut her off, “but I’m not even convinced he knows what love is. I’ve never seen him really care about anything but himself and his career.”
“Everyone loves in their own way,” Willow insisted. “And he does love you, even if he’s a complete idiot.”
Elizabeth managed a wry laugh at that. “No doubt about the complete idiot part,” she agreed.
Willow smiled as well. “And, ultimately, I’ve gotta believe that he’s doing all this stuff to you because he thinks it will make you happy.”
“Well, then, maybe he should stop by and see how miserable I am,” she sulked.
Willow winced. “Doesn’t work. I tried it,” she admitted. “Then you just get the ‘you’ll be happier in the long run’ argument.”
“From what I see, I’m miserable now, and I’m going to miserable for ever and ever,” Elizabeth sighed.
“Yeah, there have been times in my life like that, too,” Willow agreed. “And, frankly, right now is one of them.”
Elizabeth looked at her in surprise at this.
“My best friend’s moved away, I don’t have enough time for my girlfriend, I’ve got more schoolwork than I can handle, and I still haven’t solidified my plans for after graduation,” Willow listed off on her fingers. “So, at least you don’t have all that on top of your problems.”
“How do you deal?” Elizabeth wondered.
“Well, you decide what’s most important in the long run and you take the immediate steps to deal with that,” Willow suggested.
“I’d say not being constantly miserable is what’s most important to me right now,” Elizabeth decided, only half-joking.
Willow cracked a small smile. “Be more specific. What’s making you the most miserable?”
Elizabeth sighed. “I-I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.” She immediately blushed at the fact that Spike fit the metaphor in more ways than one.
Willow chuckled slightly. “Go on,” she requested softly.
“My dad wants me to go one way, and Spike’s trying to pull me in the other. It’s like they’re trying to make me choose between them, and I don’t want to!” she exclaimed angrily.
“Have you talked with Spike about this?” Willow inquired.
“Yes,” Elizabeth insisted, “well…sort of. But all he really sees of me is the way I am now, and my dad only sees who I was in the past, and I’m kinda, well…both. And Spike can’t possibly understand all that.”
“No one can ever completely understand what another person is going through,” Willow pointed out. Then frowned. “Well, unless they’re telepathic. Or maybe if they’ve had the exact, identical life experiences. Or—”
“Babbling,” Elizabeth pointed out with an amused grin.
“Right,” Willow agreed, her face flaming to the same color as her hair. “But, still… Spike can only understand what you tell him.”
“But how can I possibly tell him some of this stuff?” Elizabeth insisted. “Especially the stuff about him…”
“But that’s exactly the stuff that he needs to hear the most,” Willow pointed out. “I mean, if you really want your relationship to work…”
“What’s the point?” Elizabeth retorted bitterly.
“Wh-What?” Willow asked somewhat shakily.
“It’s not like we’re going to last,” Elizabeth explained. “I mean, the thing we had was nice and all, but… It would be impossible for me to stay with him forever.”
Willow blinked in complete surprise at that. “I thought you loved him?” she asked hesitantly.
Elizabeth sighed and brushed aside the recent but so seemingly distant memories of their Valentine’s weekend together. Before Dawn had interrupted, she had so wanted to… “I don’t think I know how to love,” she said bitterly. “Just another little inheritance from daddy…”
“You know how to love,” Willow assured her vehemently. “You wouldn’t be this good of a friend and a person if you didn’t.”
Elizabeth shrugged.
“You really don’t love Spike?” Willow ventured once more, still unable to believe this fact.
Elizabeth sighed. “I really like him,” she insisted, “and I like being with him…” She trailed off. “But we’ve just been fighting so much lately and…”
“That’s not an answer,” Willow pointed out astutely.
He’s not the one. No matter how hard I try, we’re doomed. It could never work out. It’s not even worth the effort to… “No,” Elizabeth said aloud, feeling like she was dying inside, “I don’t love him.”
Even Willow looked almost heartbroken at this admission. “J-Just ‘no’?”
Elizabeth nodded. “I like him, and it’s nice being with him, but…” She shrugged.
“Then, really, Spike’s not any different than Riley was.” It pained Willow to say this about her friend, but it seemed to be what Elizabeth was saying.
Elizabeth hadn’t thought about Riley for months. And to put sweet, sensitive Spike in the same category with his loving eyes, and the way he always seemed to see the real her, like deep down inside they were the same person… But what she had just said, wasn’t it exactly what she had felt about Riley?
“I guess they’re not,” she bit out painfully. God, why was this conversation hurting so much? Why did she want to scream out loud?
“Then, why are you making yourself miserable over this?” Willow pointed out. “If Spike really doesn’t matter to you…”
He matters to me. He’s everything… “He’s my boyfriend,” Elizabeth retorted.
“One you admitted a while back that you have no intention of staying with.” Willow actually sounded slightly angry at this.
Elizabeth belatedly wondered whether she should talk about this with someone who wasn’t Spike’s friend. The only problem was that all her friends were his friends, too. “It’s not that I want to break up with him,” she insisted. “It’s just that we can’t work, and eventually I’m going to end up with someone be—” She broke off the word.
Willow heard it, though. “Someone better?” she finished.
“That’s not how I meant it,” Elizabeth insisted. “But I’m kind of caught in this whole other world that he’s not a part of, and I can’t just leave that.”
“You use that word a lot,” Willow commented. “ ‘Can’t’. But, really, unless you’re talking about defying gravity or something, there’s nothing you really can’t do. The question is, what do you want to do?”
“I want everything to be like it was,” Elizabeth insisted. “I want my father to get off my back, and I want Spike and I to be perfect again, and I don’t want to have to worry about any of this.”
“Well, at least we’ve got a goal now, even if it is a bit unrealistic,” Willow sighed.
“And I don’t wanna have to choose!” Elizabeth insisted. “Why can’t things just work themselves out?”
“I don’t know,” Willow shrugged. “They just don’t. But things are always changing, and you’re not going to just be able to go back. So, what you’ve got to do is find a realistic alternative that makes you as happy as you can.”
“I can’t do that with both my father and Spike breathing down my neck,” Elizabeth insisted.
“Then you really do have to make a choice,” Willow pointed out. “’Cause it sounds like they both have valid points.”
“How can I choose between them?” Elizabeth was on the verge of bursting into tears once more.
“It’s not about choosing one of them,” Willow insisted. “It’s about choosing for yourself. What do you want?”
“I already told you,” Elizabeth insisted.
“No,” Willow countered, “you told me a fantasy. There’s got to be something real in this world that you want.”
“Does there?” Elizabeth retorted gloomily.
Willow sighed. “Yeah, and you’re going to have to figure out what it is before your choice is stripped from you…”
* * *
It hadn’t exactly been pleasant, but it was possible.
Elizabeth became aware of this fact as she slowly woke up, rolled over to reach out to Spike…and promptly crash-landed on the floor of her and Willow’s room. It took her foggy mind a moment to figure out why Spike hadn’t been in the bed beside her. The realization came with mixed emotions.
Loss was a big one. This was the first night she had spent alone since…well, since she and Spike had started really getting serious. Somewhere right after Thanksgiving. So, it was perfectly natural for her to feel a little pang when he wasn’t beside her.
She could now dimly recall him showing up around midnight and begging her to come to bed with him. She’d been tempted beyond imagining but had managed to hold firm. She needed to think things through, and she needed a bit of space to do that. Sadness still filled her heart at the pained expression on his face, but he had just reminded her that he loved her, brushed a soft kiss across her forehead, and left her to her introspection.
But along with all the icky emotions, there was something there that she hadn’t quite expected. Pride. She had actually managed to get through a whole night – sleep and all – without Spike. Logically, she’d known that she wouldn’t spontaneously keel over and die if they were separated for just one night, but the fact that she’d actually done it made her feel…well, proud. Like she could stand on her own two feet if she ever needed to.
Picking herself up off of the floor, she searched in vain for her bathrobe. Oh damn, it was in Spike’s room… Figuring Willow wouldn’t notice if she borrowed hers for all of five minutes – especially given the way her roommate was snoring – Elizabeth slipped on Willow’s jade green robe and headed for the bathroom.
“Luv.”
Elizabeth’s heart beat faster at the sound of the pet name, and she took an unconscious step towards where Spike was shaving over the sink. “Hey,” she agreed softly.
“Sleep well?” he inquired, his voice sounding strained.
She bit out a tired laugh. “Not exactly,” she assured him, “but I slept. You?”
“The same,” he agreed, toweling off his now smooth chin. “I missed you.” The words were said with such naked longing…
Instinctively, Elizabeth leaned in and brushed a kiss across his lips. He sighed into her touch and wrapped his arms around her, savoring the scent of her, the feel… “We better now?” he inquired cautiously.
Elizabeth sighed against the soft skin of his throat. “We have to talk,” she informed him.
He nodded. “Our room? Or someplace more neutral…?” he offered.
She nodded absentmindedly to the second option. “Wanna go get breakfast?” she suggested.
“You askin’ me out on a date, Summers?” he joked lightly.
She smiled up at him, a hint of sadness still in her eyes. “You agreeing to go out on a date with me, Big Bad?”
She got a dimpled smile in response to the nickname. “Always,” he said emotionally.
“I’d, um, better brush my teeth, then.” She plucked her shower basket off of the shelf over the radiator and dangled the toothbrush out in front of her as if to demonstrate this point.
“’ll meet you in the lounge?” he suggested. “Fifteen minutes?”
“We’ve been dating how long?” she said skeptically. “And you honestly think I can get ready in just fifteen minutes?”
He chuckled at that. “Half an hour,” he agreed. “’Though I can’t imagine what you need the extra time for. You’re beautiful as you are now.”
A blush lit up her cheeks. “Spike…” she protested slightly.
“Right,” he nodded. “Half an hour. ‘ll get outta your hair ‘til then.”
Elizabeth watched him go with a sigh. Why, oh why, did this have to be so difficult?
* * *
Eight o’clock Saturday morning wasn’t exactly the most popular time for the small diner. In fact, aside from two juniors over in the corner that had obviously just pulled an all-nighter, Elizabeth and Spike were the only two that had gotten up at the god-awful (for students, at least) hour. Elizabeth smiled slightly at that fact.
“What?” Spike inquired curiously.
“You,” she exclaimed. “Conscious. Before noon. The world must be coming to an end.”
He gave her a wistful smile. “Not sure you’re wrong, pet,” he countered. He stabbed at his omelet a couple of times just for good measure, intentionally keeping his eyes focused on his plate.
Elizabeth reached over to cover his right hand with her own. “It’ll be all right,” she assured him.
“Really?” He let out a laugh that was half a sob. “Seems like we’re quite well buggered to me. But, please, tell me how it’ll be all right.” His tone was angry, but his eyes were sad, lost.
“I need to do this my way,” she informed him.
“Great song,” he shrugged, downing a breakfast sausage. “What does that mean?”
“It means that if we want this to work out, then you’re going to have to accept that I’m not turning against my father,” she said matter-of-factly.
He sighed. “An ultimatum, then?” he inquired.
“It’s not like that,” she insisted. “I just need—”
“What about what I need?” he cut her off.
She blinked in surprise. “What do you mean?” she said, frowning slightly.
He sighed and slumped back in his seat, staring off into the distance a moment for inspiration. “Whenever I try to bring up any of my concerns,” he began in a careful voice, more like his father’s, “it always turns into this screaming match until eventually you make me cave in.”
“Cave in?” Elizabeth retorted. “That’s funny, ‘cause to me it looks like you’re being annoyingly persistent…”
“I am being persistent,” he agreed. “I just…” He threw up his hands in despair. “I can’t stand it anymore,” he informed her. “I see you makin’ yourself more an’ more miserable everyday, tryin’ to please this father who doesn’t even care. I see you compromisin’ the woman I fell in love with because you’re too scared to stand up for yourself. And every time I try to do something to help…”
“Maybe I don’t want your help,” she retorted vehemently. “I’m fine.”
“Fine?” he repeated in disbelief. “You’ve been frowning almost nonstop since daddy came to visit. And when I touch you…” He bit back a tear. “I can tell ‘s different. I can tell you’re different.”
She worried her lower lip between her teeth nervously at that. Yeah, he was probably right that her realization that they were just a temporary thing made her a bit more closed off. “I’m sorry,” was all she had to offer him.
“I thought we were in love,” he insisted.
She gave him a sad smile. “You were,” she agreed. “I-I never lied to you that…” She trailed off guiltily. She had been about to, though. She had been so close to…
“So that’s it, then?” he said angrily, pulling out a cigarette.
“Spike, we’re in the non-smoking section,” she pointed out.
“Bugger. That.” He bit out angrily, lighting up.
She let out an exasperated sigh. “Look, I’m sorry,” she insisted, “but we don’t even really belong to the same worlds. I’ve got this whole other…life, with my mother’s name and my father’s fortune and all that, and it’s just going to keep coming between us. And…you deserve better than that, baby.”
“I see,” he retorted sarcastically, “you’re better’n me, and I deserve someone better’n you. Do you have any idea how little sense that makes?”
“Stop ridiculing me!” she hissed angrily. “I’m not stupid!”
“No, you’re just lettin’ your father manipulate you again,” he shot back. “You think us breakin’ up isn’t part of his master plan?”
“That is so unfair!” she insisted. “This has nothing to do with him. This has to do with us. You can’t honestly think this won’t just keep coming up over and over again.”
“Yes, I can,” he retorted, “because all this stuff you’re talkin’ about – this whole class thing you’re obsessin’ over – well, it doesn’t matter one bit to me. From what I can tell, this is your li’l obsession. ‘ve never said a thing about it, because in the end it makes no difference.”
“How can you say that?” she said in disbelief. “Do you know what my father’s friends are like? Do you know what they’re saying about us – about you – right now?”
“They can all go to hell for all I care!” Spike shouted out. “I. Don’t. Give. A. Bleedin’. Fuck.”
She scrunched up her nose. “Nice imagery,” she retorted sarcastically. “And, you know what? I believe I mentioned that I wanted you to drop this.”
“Oh no.” He shook one finger at her. “That’s not how this works. You can’t just order me around like ‘m your boy-toy.”
“You’re not—” she insisted.
“Let me finish,” he cut her off. “We want this to work, we actually hafta talk this stuff through, as unpleasant as it may be.”
“You’re not listening to me!” she exclaimed, tears in her eyes.
“And neither are you!” he shot back, rising from his seat.
Her eyes turned cold as she stood up as well. “You know what?” she informed him icily. “You’re not worth the trouble. This is over now.”
He blinked in slow disbelief. “’Lizabeth, luv…” he tried to soothe her, his hand reaching for hers.
She brushed it aside. “It’s over,” she repeated vehemently as she slipped out of the booth. “I don’t think I can eat with you,” she informed him before practically fleeing from the diner.
Spike just stood there stunned for a minute. Surely, he hadn’t heard her right. It was just a heat of the moment thing, temporary anger or…
He fell back into his seat when he felt it hit him like a ton of bricks. Elizabeth, the love of his life, gone over something so ridiculous…
“Hey, man, you OK?” One of the other students in the restaurant had ventured to approach him.
In answer, he burst out crying…