Chapter 4: October 2005
Buffy sat on the toilet seat in the bathroom, staring at the white stick. She read the instructions on the back of the box again, and then looked at the little pink lines. It was positive. Even after the fifth reading of the results and stick, it was positive.
She put a trembling hand to her face. This was not happening. This just couldn’t be happening. She felt nauseous, and she was fairly certain it wasn’t because of the morning sickness, which had induced her to buy the at-home pregnancy test. Buffy had never wanted to be pregnant. Oh, maybe way back when, back when she’d first become the Slayer, before she found out Angel couldn’t have kids—
Back then, she couldn’t wait. She drew hearts all over her notebooks that read “Buffy and Angel 4ever.” She thought of names for all their kids, and how many they might have, and how someday they’d have the perfect life. Even knowing he was a vampire, she hadn’t given up that dream. She’d merely altered it a bit, thinking that they would work it out.
But after Angel, and then Riley—not to mention Spike, and Richard, and Steve—her dreams had changed. Instead, Buffy really just wanted to be happy. Dawn had been enough to raise. There was no way she wanted to be a single mother. And since Riley had left, she’d had no intention of marrying any of the guys she’d been with.
(Oh, but Spike—her brain reminded her. She might not have married him, but he would have gone to the Antipodes and back to make her happy. He would have worshipped the ground she walked on. He would have lifted her up every time she fell. He would have fought by her side.)
Buffy swallowed, forcing those memories away. It didn’t matter. She was pregnant, and whether she really wanted to be or not, whether she’d planned it or not, it was still her baby, her child. Having never thought to have the opportunity to give birth, she wouldn’t throw away what might be her only chance.
But at the same time, there was no joy in the knowledge of new life. There was only fear and heartache and disappointment. Buffy bent her head and wept.
~~~~~
“Come on, Spike. We were supposed to hang out tonight,” Dawn pleaded, her voice dangerously close to a whine. She didn’t much like it when she whined, and had worked hard to grow out of that stage, but her disappointment was keen.
Spike looked over at her regretfully. “‘m sorry, Bit, but we’ve got a job to do. Wish it was a 9 to 5, but duty calls.”
It sounded bizarre to hear Spike talking about duty. It was just as bizarre to hear him talk about duty while they sat at a cheery kitchen table with Wesley working on some research and Nika humming behind them. Dawn had come to like both Wes and Nika over the last couple months. Their presence, and the warmth of the house, had kept much of the homesickness she might have felt at bay. But more than that, with Spike and his friends, she wasn’t just “Buffy’s kid sister.” She was Dawn, her own person, and they all treated her more like an adult than Buffy and the Scooby gang ever had.
Thinking about that now, Dawn modified her tone slightly. “Spike, I don’t have a lot of time to spend with you, and Thursday night is our night since I don’t have an early class.” Seeing that she was getting through, Dawn added, “I’d rather go on this mission with you guys than miss out on spending time with you.”
That sent Spike’s head up as he looked at her, alarmed. “Absolutely not,” he replied flatly. “You might get hurt, an’ how would I explain that to—to—” His jaw tightened, and Dawn realized that he wasn’t even able to say her name at this point.
It reminded her of when she’d tried to give him his duster back, about a week after she’d gotten into town. He’d taken one alarmed look at it and shoved it back into her arms. “Smells like her, like your house,” was all he’d been able to say. Dawn had taken it back and hung it up in her closet in the dorm. Her roommate probably thought she was nuts for owning a black leather coat like that in southern California, but Dawn didn’t offer an explanation. The duster—like so many other things about her life—was inexplicable.
“I can take care of myself,” Dawn said patiently, knowing that she’d get her way eventually. Spike hated breaking a promise to her, and from the look in his eyes, he was already beginning to take a little guilt trip.
“No. ‘Sides, Wes an’ I can handle this ourselves,” Spike said. “Tell her, mate.”
“I’m not going to tell her anything,” Wesley replied in that oh-so-very even tone he used most of the time. Dawn found it annoying, but she knew it had to do with his not being welcome among Angel’s gang, and tried not to get too snippy. Sometimes, Wesley’s eyes reminded her of Spike’s the night he left Sunnydale.
Dawn looked back at the vampire. “Spike, I can so take care of myself. I was getting Slayer training for the last year, and I might not be quite up to my sister’s standards, but I’m still pretty good.”
Spike looked conflicted, and Dawn knew she had her foot in the door. “Anyway, the more the merrier, right? It just means we’ll be done that much faster.”
“I don’t know, Dawn. If you get hurt—”
“And I can call Connor,” Dawn said, playing her trump card. “With the four of us, the demon will be dead in no time, he’ll watch out for me, and you two will get your paycheck.”
It was Wesley who raised an objection at this point. “I don’t think that’s a wise idea, Dawn. I know you’ve been seeing Connor, but I hardly think his father will want him chasing down demons with us.”
Dawn shook her head. “Connor’s old enough to decide what he wants for himself. And with all the classes I’m taking, plus the work-study job, I don’t have enough time to see you guys separately.” She turned to Spike. “Please, Spike. I just want to be able to spend time with you, and I want you to meet Connor. You’re the only family I really have here in L.A. I want you to like him.”
“Bloody hell,” Spike muttered. He wasn’t any more immune to Dawn’s puppy dog eyes than he had been when he first helped her break into the Magic Box. That had been the beginning of a beautiful friendship, one Dawn was intent on keeping intact. “‘s up to Wes,” he finally replied. “He’s the boss. He thinks you can be of some use, then you can come. An’ you can bring the whelp.”
Dawn didn’t argue with Spike’s nickname for Connor. She knew that her boyfriend (of sorts) would have to earn the vampire’s respect on his own. Turning to look at Wesley, she realized that he was probably her biggest obstacle. His history with Angel made it unlikely that he would want Angel’s son along for the ride. Dawn hadn’t reckoned on Nika, however.
“Wesley, let the girl bring her friend. If you think it’s too dangerous, have them wait in the car.” Nika pulled two hot sandwiches off the griddle and set the plates down in front of Dawn and Wesley. “And you will eat before you leave here tonight,” she warned Wesley. “Otherwise, I’ll make sure Spike locks you in the basement, and he can take care of the monster by himself.”
Wesley gave her a rueful look. “Thank you, Nika. I haven’t eaten since—” he paused, trying to remember when he’d last eaten.
“Precisely my point,” the woman said, shaking her head. “It’s a good thing I don’t have to push Spike to eat as well. I’d have both hands full then.” She gave Dawn’s shoulders a squeeze. “Call your friend, cariad. If he gets here quickly enough, I’ll make some dinner for him as well.”
Dawn lept up to use her cell phone in the adjoining room. Wesley turned to look at Nika. “I thought I was the one in charge.”
She smiled at him indulgently. “Wesley, love, you might be in charge out in the field, but you’re in my kitchen. Besides, Spike wants Dawn around, and if Dawn is here, her boyfriend will inevitably follow. Better just to get used to it.”
Wesley shook his head. “Danika, you know—”
“I do, but this is Dawn and Connor, not you and Angel. Remember that.” Nika fixed him with a gentle look that Spike regarded with interest. The two of them had sparks flying between them like he’d rarely seen, but as far as he could tell they hadn’t done anything about it yet. They were both so bloody reserved, he had a feeling that unless something knocked them over the head, it could go on like this forever. Veiled looks, significant glances, sly references…Spike bit back a sigh. He really wasn’t sure how much more of that he could take before he had to soddin’ well say something.
He couldn’t help but grin a little, rather evilly, at that. Spike could think of a number of things he could say.
Dawn slid back into her seat at the table and began to eat her sandwich with relish. “Connor’s going to be here in about thirty minutes,” she said. She looked over at Spike. “Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me, thank Wesley,” he said, a little growl in his voice, but he didn’t look all that unhappy about the situation. Truthfully, he could never be unhappy if Dawn was spending time with him.
Dawn could still see tension in the line of Wes’s jaw and the set of his shoulders, however, and she said quietly, “Wes, Connor’s not going to tell his dad about any of this. In fact, Angel still doesn’t know we’re seeing each other. He just thinks we’re friends.”
Wesley looked at her in surprise. “Why shouldn’t Angel know? I doubt he’d be unhappy with the sitation.”
Dawn laughed. “Yeah, we would really want Angel to know, because then Cordy will find out, and pretty soon Fred will know too. And when they find out, it will just be a matter of time before one of them lets Willow know, who will then tell my sister. Who still doesn’t know that Angel has a son, by the way.”
Both men stared at her incredulously. “Wait a minute,” Spike said. “How’s that possible?”
“Would you want to be the one to tell her?” Dawn asked, with a raised eyebrow. At the look in Spike’s eyes, she nodded. “Precisely. Nobody wanted to tell her, so no one ever did. And I’m not going to volunteer for the job either.”
Wesley smiled knowingly. “I’d love to be there to see your sister’s face when she finds out.”
“No, you wouldn’t,” Spike replied. “Girl’s gotten a bit more bite over the years since you’ve known her. She’s the last person you want to piss off. Trust me.”
Wesley looked at him across the table. “I do.”
There was a long pause. It had long been the unspoken understanding that things like trust and friendship were never discussed between them, nor with Nika. By discussing it, it would make it real, and by making it real, it would make it that much more painful when it all fell apart. Spike had a curious expression on his face, almost like he couldn’t breathe, even though he really didn’t need to, and he finally nodded. “Ta.”
Dawn looked over at Nika, who stood next to the stove. The older woman smiled at her with an understanding that said she knew what just happened, and had been waiting for it.
The doorbell rang, breaking the moment, and Dawn jumped up. There was a warmth in her chest, having seen what she did, knowing that Spike was happy here. Or, at least, as Nika had said, as happy as he could be.
Taking her lessons in not opening the door for vampires to heart, she looked through the peephole, only to see Connor standing there, looking slightly uncomfortable. Dawn quickly let him in, greeting him with a gentle, lingering kiss. “Hey. I’m glad you came.”
Connor shrugged. “You said you were going to fight a demon. I wanted to spend time with you. Sounds like the best possible night.”
Dawn laughed, knowing he liked a good fight as much as Spike did, if not more. “I’m glad I could give you a nice evening.”
His eyes lit up. “I know how we could make it better, later on.”
“Don’t even think about it, mister,” Dawn warned him, her eyes twinkling. “At least not within earshot of Spike. He’d beat the crap out of you.”
Connor’s eyes glittered. “He could try.”
“Don’t, please,” Dawn said quietly, hoping that Spike wasn’t listening. “I’ve had enough of people I love hating each other. It’s worse than my parents. Please, just try to get along with him.”
Connor looked at her, suddenly serious in that way only he seemed to have. He regarded her with a hunter’s eye, sizing up her emotions, her movements, the flush of her cheeks and the quickness of her heartbeat. “Okay.”
She relaxed, knowing that he was as good as his word. “Good. Because like I told Wes and Spike, I want to spend time with all of you, and I don’t always have enough hours in the day. It’s better if you can spend time with me when I’m over here.”
Connor grabbed for her hand. “I want you to be happy,” he said simply. “I’ve never been as happy with anyone else as I am with you.”
Tugging him down for another kiss, Dawn marvelled at his charm. The way he looked at the world was often too black and white, but it revealed a childlike naivete that was rapidly giving way to a kind of wisdom.
There was a loud throat clearing behind them, and Dawn pulled away to see Spike standing behind them, looking on with amusement. “Nika said she’s got some food for you, if you want to eat.”
The vampire made no disparaging remarks, nor did he use any of his characteristic nicknames, and Dawn was grateful. Spike could be incredibly annoying when he put his mind to it, and the fact that he seemed willing to give Connor a chance warmed her. “Thanks, Spike,” she said, in such a tone as to know that he would hear the double meaning behind it.
“You’re quite welcome, luv.” He turned to go back into the kitchen, his gait still uneven. Dawn loved him as much in that moment as she had at any other time in her life.
~~~~~
Buffy was silent as Peter stared at her, obviously angry. “Is this some kind of joke?” he demanded. “Because it’s not funny.”
“It’s not a joke,” she said softly. “I’m sorry, but accidents happen, Peter.”
He was angry. Buffy could tell he was angry—no, downright furious, as though she’d deliberately planned this. As though he’d had no part in it. “Right, Buffy,” he spat. “You were on the pill. You were supposed to prevent this.”
“I was supposed to prevent this?” she asked, furious in turn. She wasn’t any happier about this than he was, but at least she wasn’t attacking him, accusing him of getting her pregnant. Which was completely true. “I’m not the only one in the room here, Peter. I think you were pretty much involved as well.”
His eyes narrowed. He had dark eyes and dark hair, like Angel had, and he was a big, bulky guy as most of her boyfriends had been. Buffy had thought he was cute, and she’d felt safe in his arms. Now, she couldn’t understand what she’d seen in him in the first place. It suddenly dawned on her: he was a jerk, a user, just like Parker had been. She had repeated a mistake she’d sworn she wouldn’t make again.
“Fine.” Peter crossed his arms over his chest. “Look, I know neither one of us are at fault here, okay? So I’ll pay to get rid of it.”
Buffy took a step back. He said it like he was doing her some big favor, like that was her only option. The little bastard didn’t even ask her what she wanted to do. “I don’t want to ‘get rid of it,'” Buffy said as evenly as she could. “I’m keeping the baby, Peter.”
His face flushed. “No.”
“It’s my body, my choice,” she replied. “And it’s none of your business. If you want to be around for it, fine. But if you walk away now, don’t expect to have any say later on.” Buffy was controlling her temper only by an act of will. She wanted to punch him, break his nose. Even if she hadn’t wanted this pregnancy, every protective instinct within her told her that Peter was a danger. A danger to what she wanted.
Peter’s face contorted, then smoothed out. He was suddenly the charming man she’d known again, but Buffy had already seen the beast inside. She didn’t think he would hit her, but there were other ways to hurt a person. “All right,” he replied. “But I want you to sign papers saying that you won’t ask me for money. You keep this kid, you’re on your own, Buf.”
The way he said it was so cold, so unlike the man she thought she knew—Buffy laughed to herself. It was so obvious now that she’d never known him at all. She’d never really known any of the guys she’d been with over the past couple years, nor had they known her. With the exception of Richard, they hadn’t even known she was the Slayer. Buffy had given serious thought to telling Peter, but now she was glad she hadn’t. Dawn had warned her about him, had told Buffy that he was a user, but she hadn’t listened. Hadn’t she used guys herself before? She figured she’d know one if she saw one.
But he had been sweet and handsome and attentive. He had made her forget for a little while that she was the Slayer, and a responsible adult. In that way, he’d reminded her of Spike. Spike had helped her forget for a while too. He’d helped her feel, helped her shake off the numbness.
And now she had to ask herself—whose problem had that been? She had blamed him, but shouldn’t she have blamed herself? Because in the end, standing here as she listened to Peter’s cruel words, she heard an echo of herself, and she hated it.
Buffy swallowed hard and looked Peter straight in the eye. “I’ve always been on my own,” she replied quietly.
~~~~~
Wesley holstered the semi-automatic he usually carried and looked around. Spike and Connor were finishing up the dismemberment job on the demon, while Dawn looked on, a disgusted expression on her face. She was absentmindedly wiping down the sword she held with a piece of her ripped shirt. The ex-Watcher smiled as he saw the expert way she held the weapon. She really was something of a natural.
Connor had been quite helpful as well. Wesley was rather relieved that he’d allowed the teens to come along, if only because the Grashalk demon was about six feet longer than he’d been told. He and Spike might have been able to handle it on their own, but it would have been difficult, to say the least.
Spike straightened shakily, his bad leg a little wobbly. He was usually okay, but there had been a number of jobs the last few days, and the limp was worse when he was tired. Wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, he looked over at Dawn and Connor. “You both did alright.”
Dawn beamed. She knew a compliment like that, coming from Spike, was worth her weight in gold. Connor seemed to realize that he’d been paid an honor as well. “You too,” he said.
Wes regarded their kill impassively, though there was a small stirring of pride in his eyes. “We all did well tonight. Let’s go home.”
Spike bagged the head—proof of deed for those that had hired them, and Connor took it from his grasp. “I’ll get it.” The boy picked it up easily, walking close to Dawn as they made their way out from the basement of the high school where the demon had been hiding. Spike and Wesley followed behind the two teens at a slower pace.
“Where the bloody hell do they get their energy?” Spike muttered, walking next to Wesley with his rolling gait.
Wesley smiled. “You sound like an old man, Spike. I thought vampires weren’t supposed to age.”
“They aren’t,” was Spike’s gruff answer. “Still, don’t remember feelin’ that—”
“Young?” Wesley asked quietly. “In love?”
“She’s not in love with him,” Spike replied, disgruntled. “Barely knows the boy.”
Wesley smiled. He vaguely remembered those days, when attraction and love went so closely hand in hand that you could hardly tell the one from the other. When the joy of discovery was untainted by fear or uncertainty. He looked over at his companion and thought that Spike didn’t look the youthful vampire any longer. His face was still ageless, but his eyes gave the impression of being ancient, and his limp certainly gave the impression of age. “We are not what we were,” he acknowledged.
Spike looked over at him with more understanding than he would have credited to him a year ago. “You shouldn’t wait,” he said abruptly.
“Wait on what?” Wesley asked.
Spike hesitated. “Look, ‘m no expert on this kind of thing. My track record would pretty much suggest that I’m full of shit. But Nika’s movin’ on. If you want to be the one she moves on to, you might want to say somethin’, do somethin’.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Wesley replied stiffly.
Spike glared at him. “Look, don’t go all tweed on me, mate. ‘m tryin’ to do you a favor.”
The vampire could be so prickly. Wesley knew he hadn’t been fair. “You and Nika—”
“Are friends,” Spike finished firmly. “Nothin’ more than that. Wes—you know my heart belongs to someone else. ‘ve finally figured out it probably will till I’m dust.” He shrugged. “I think she fancies you, though. Both of you deserve a bit of the good in life, yeah?”
“I can’t argue with you there,” Wesley said wryly, emerging from the school’s doorway, out under the open sky. He glanced up. The lights of the city were obscuring all but a few of the brightest stars. He felt Spike’s hand on his arm, and wondered at the fact that he’d found a bit of camaraderie with another vampire. Even if the vampire in question was Angel’s opposite in every way. “And what about you, Spike?”
“What about me?” he asked, his eyes going to Dawn, standing next to the car. She hardly seemed impatient to leave, as Connor used his thumb to brush some grit from her cheek, and then leaned down to kiss her. “She’s my bit of happiness. An’ I’m lucky to have her.”
Wesley didn’t reply, but simply put his hand on Spike’s shoulder, offering him a surreptitious arm to lean on. It was a mark of his exhaustion that he leaned just a bit as they walked back to the car.