Chapter 27: Late March/April 2006
Buffy shut the door behind Spike, and then turned to face him. “Do you want something to drink?”
“No, ‘m fine.”
They seemed to be at an impasse yet again, and both wondered if this was the way it would always be. If words would always hang unspoken between them, if the past would remain a burden. “Did you mean it when you said this wasn’t working?” Buffy asked in a small voice.
Spike refused to meet her eyes. “Don’t know what else to say, luv.”
Buffy had lost enough boyfriends to know the signs, to know the leaden feeling in her gut as one more man walked out of her life. She’d felt it when Angel walked away after they’d defeated the Mayor; she’d felt it watching Riley ascend on that stupid helicopter.
But she’d never felt it with Spike before—Buffy had always been the one to leave Spike. The last time, she’d left him in an alley for the sun to find, and he had disappeared.
“Isn’t there something I can say to change your mind?” Buffy asked, her voice breaking.
“What could you say, Slayer?” Spike’s shoulders slumped. “What could you possibly say that hasn’t been said before? I don’t see how we can keep doin’ this. ‘s gonna kill me.”
Buffy stared at him. “And it wouldn’t kill me? Spike, you’re the one that walked away the other night. If you’d stayed—”
“If I’d stayed—what?” he demanded. “We get into a fight an’ then we shag? We bring down another bleedin’ house so you can run out the next morning? What do you want from me, Buffy? Tell me that, an’ maybe we’ve got a chance, but don’t tell me you don’t know. Don’t tell me you haven’t figured out why you want me around yet.”
“Spike—”
He continued, relentlessly. “Because I need to know that when your kid comes you aren’t goin’ to decide that ol’ Spike isn’t the kind of role model you want ’round your little one. Send me packin’ like you did with Dawn, after you got back from the grave. Let me take care of her, love her, an’ then tell me I can’t see her anymore, ’cause ‘m not a good influence.”
Buffy blinked, feeling as though she’d been slapped. She hadn’t even thought about that. “That hadn’t even crossed my mind,” she said honestly.
Spike was still staring at her, not saying anything, and Buffy walked past him into the living room. She hugged herself, unwilling to look at him. This is what it came down to. She had never been good with words, preferring to use action instead. “I want a do-over,” she whispered suddenly. Whirling to face him, her eyes begged him to understand. “When you’re a kid, and you screw up a game, you can ask for a do-over, and then you get to start again with a clean slate. I want to knock down that old house again with you and do things differently this time.”
His tone almost gentle, Spike asked, “And why with me, Slayer?”
“Because it’s you,” Buffy replied. “Because I can’t get you out of my head or my heart. It’s the way you treat Dawn and Nika, the way you’ve built this family that I’m so completely envious of. It’s your strength and how far you’ve come since we met in that alley. It’s the fact that no one has ever made me quite as miserable, or quite as happy as you do. It’s because I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life—no matter how long or short it might be—with anyone else.”
She was crying now, desperately afraid that what she said wouldn’t be enough to tie him to her. That her love wouldn’t be enough, just like it had never been enough before. Blinded by her tears, Buffy didn’t even see Spike approaching her, but suddenly his arms were there, cradling her gently to his chest. “Hush, now, luv,” he murmured. “‘m not goin’ anywhere. How could I leave my girl?”
Buffy lifted her face to him, her cheeks wet. She was certain that her skin was probably splotchy, and her eyes were red. Spike didn’t seem to mind, however, and his lips covered hers, his kiss gradually becoming more insistent. “We won’t take down the house,” he whispered, “but you’ve got your do-over, Buffy.”
Their hands, their lips, roamed freely. Somehow they managed to stumble up the stairs to Buffy’s bedroom. “Don’t walk away again,” she pleaded. “I’d rather have a knock-down, drag-out fight, and get it figured out, but don’t leave.”
“You want me to stay?” Spike asked, pausing to look her in the eyes, all motion stilled. “For all of it?”
She smiled. “I was going to ask you to be my birthing coach before our fight.” When Spike still looked a little puzzled, Buffy said quietly, “For everything. For always. I love you.”
Spike nodded and gave her a little smile. “For always then.”
The night was exquisite. Spike had always wondered what it would be like when Buffy finally allowed him to make love to her, and now he knew. They moved as one, their prior experience giving them an intimate knowledge of the other’s body. At the same time, it was all different. Both of them had changed, their bodies were just a little different. Spike marveled at the new bulge in the Slayer’s abdomen; Buffy kissed each new scar on his milk-white skin.
It was slow and luxurious; it felt like coming home.
Best of all, for Spike at least, when it was all over, Buffy gave a sleepy, contented sigh and snuggled up close. “Don’t go tonight.”
Spike glanced at her curtains, heavy-duty floor-to-ceiling affairs. Their appearance had taken on new meaning to him now. “I’ll stay as long as you like.”
“You already know what I like,” Buffy said, slipping down into sleep. “Forever.”
Spike swallowed, brushing her hair away from her face. “Till the end of the world.”
~~~~~
Wesley emerged from the darkness to a familiar feeling of being foggy both from drugs and pain. After a moment, he remembered the fight at the club, the vampires, leaping in front of a flying pipe to keep it from hitting Buffy. Subsequent events got a little fuzzy; Wesley very vaguely remembered a worried Nika telling him he would need surgery, and then—
And then nothing until now. He was almost afraid to open his eyes. The last time he was in the hospital, it had not been a pleasant experience, and not because of his injury either. He was more than half afraid that this newest injury would find Nika doing a runner on him.
“Hey, cariad. You in there?”
It was her voice. Wesley opened his eyes with effort. Lack of both contacts and glasses had her face fuzzy, but it was hers, and she was smiling down at him. He tried to say her name, but it came out as a croak. “You want some water?” Wesley nodded and waited for her to help him drink. “You’re going to be fine, you know, but the anesthesia affects everyone differently. Plus, they’ve got you on the good drugs, with an antibiotics chaser to prevent infection. So if you’re feeling doped up, it’s a good thing.”
“I am,” he managed. “How bad is it?”
“Not bad,” Nika reassured him. “There was some damage, but nothing permanent.” She smiled. “You’ll have a nifty new scar though.”
“I’m so sorry,” he murmured, remembering now that Nika and her partner had been the paramedics on scene.
She frowned. “Don’t be stupid, Wesley,” Nika said sharply. She could see his worry and his doubt outlined clearly on his face. “I told you I’d accepted the risks, and you’re going to be fine.”
“But—”
“I love you,” she said fiercely. “I wish I wasn’t sitting here right now. I wish we were safe and sound at home, in our own bed. But I would rather be with you here in the hospital than anywhere without you.”
Wesley blinked back tears. “Thank you.”
“Nonsense,” Nika said, running a thumb over his cheekbones, pretending not to notice the moisture in his eyes. “As if you wouldn’t be in my exact position, were the situation reversed.”
Wesley’s eyes drooped as the pain meds took affect again. “How long—”
“A few days, at most,” she assured him. “I promise to spring you as soon as possible.”
“Danika, will you stay?” he asked, hating to sound weak, and yet not wanting to be alone, to wake up alone. He couldn’t wake up alone again in a cold hospital room.
Her hand was soothing. “Someone will be here each time you wake, Wesley, fy nghariad i. You are not alone.”
Wesley slipped under, comforted by that knowledge.
~~~~~
Spike hadn’t slept at all, preferring to watch Buffy sleep. She hadn’t stirred all night, staying curled up next to him, her breath coming slowly and evenly. He wasn’t quite ready to believe that this was real, that Buffy wouldn’t wake up and demand that he leave.
He sighed, although it wasn’t altogether a happy one. The Slayer was in his blood again, his heart, his brain. He was drowning in her all over again. If only she would keep her promise. If only it meant forever—but it didn’t. It couldn’t. Even if she was with him until the day she died, death would still come for her. Again. They said the third time was the charm, and this time Spike wasn’t sure he would survive it.
And yet—Spike threw a quick glance at her to make sure she was still asleep, and spread his hand over her warm skin, the rise in her stomach where the baby was. “Guess I’ll be around a while,” he murmured, wondering if he was an idiot for speaking to an unborn child. “Your mum’s got a dangerous job, but ‘m goin’ to take care of her for you. Told her I’d take care of you, too. So I’ll be around a while.”
“I like that plan.”
Spike glanced up, startled, to see Buffy smiling at him. “Buffy, I—”
She silenced him with a gentle finger to his lips. “Do me a favor and think before you say anything. So far, it’s been perfect, and I’d hate to get angry with you.”
The vampire smiled around her finger. “Perfect, huh? That right?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Did you mean what you said?” Spike asked, a hopeful note in his voice. “About wantin’ me to be your birthin’ coach?”
“I meant it.” Buffy ran a hand over his sharp cheekbones, and then his mussed hair. “If you don’t want to, I’ll understand, but I wish you would.”
“Don’t know how good I’ll be, but I’ll give it a try, yeah?” He smiled at her, and Buffy was awestruck at the gentleness of him. Not that he was soft in a bad or weak way, but he was different. She wondered if this was how he might have been given a chance by the Scoobies to change in the company of the group.
“If you try, I’m sure it will turn out wonderfully.” Buffy tangled her fingers in his curls, finding them irresistible. “How’s your leg today? You were limping pretty good last night.”
He shrugged off the question. “I was a bit tired. It’ll be fine.”
Buffy remembered what she’d said to him in the park, demanding to know why he hadn’t been faster, and felt shame. “The limp—it’s not going to go away?”
“‘s been three years,” Spike sighed, laying his head down on the bed next to her, relaxing into the feeling of her fingers in his hair. “Nika said it had somethin’ to do with brain injuries not healin’ in anybody, even vampires. She thought the doc damaged me when he took the chip out.”
Buffy was quiet. “Would you feed from me?”
Spike’s head snapped up, throwing off her hand. “Are you out of your bleedin’ mind?”
She lifted an eyebrow. “It was just a question, Spike. Remember what I said about not getting angry?”
Spike fixed her with a glare. “‘s not just a question. You don’t know what you’re doin’ to a vampire when you ask that. An’ to answer your question, no. I don’t want to bite you. I won’t lie and say it wouldn’t be nice, but you need all your blood right now.”
“I didn’t ask you to,” she said, a little more sharply than she had intended. Buffy softened her tone. “It would have to be after I had the baby. I was just wondering.”
Spike wanted to tell her in very plain language not to wonder things like that, but he hadn’t the heart. Truth be told, he’d love to taste Slayer’s blood again, this time willingly given. What a rush that would be. But could he stop? Would he even want to? “Dunno,” he finally said. “Be a bit dangerous, yeah?”
“Slayer blood, though,” Buffy replied softly. “And I trust you.”
Spike understood what she was saying, that it was a possibility that his limp would disappear with the influx of Slayer blood. He had to admit it was likely even, but not something he wanted. “Not that I don’t ‘preciate the offer, luv, but ‘m used to it by now. ‘sides—” He paused, unsure of how to explain that it was a physical reminder. Vampires changed so little, but Spike was a physical guy. He liked to have tactile reminders of moments of change: his first Slayer and the scar, his second and the coat. Buffy and the chip and this limp, they were all connected. They all reminded him of the road he had traveled. It was impossible to put into words.
“‘m okay.”
Buffy saw the varying expressions flicker across his face, but couldn’t read them. She wasn’t going to argue, however. Maybe, after the baby was born, things would be different, but until then she’d have to demonstrate her love in other ways. “You know, I think I could stand to get cleaned up.”
Spike pulled back reluctantly, looking over at the curtains. It was daylight outside, and he hadn’t any clean clothes at Buffy’s house, which meant he was pretty much stuck. “Yeah, you go get cleaned up, Slayer. I’ll just—”
“Join me?”
Spike blinked, and a satisfied smile spread over his face. “Now that sounds like a very good plan.”
“What can I say?” Buffy said slyly. “I’m all about the water conservation.”
~~~~~
Wesley woke several times through the course of the day, each time finding Nika a constant presence by his bedside. He didn’t feel quite as groggy as he had when he was first coming around in the recovery room, but the pain medications weren’t conducive to being mentally alert or even aware.
The third or fourth time he woke, late in the day, it wasn’t Nika he found next to his bed, but Angel.
Wesley knew they were on fairly friendly terms, even if they were not the best of friends, but he couldn’t help feel a rush of fear and adrenaline that sharpened his senses. He also knew that Angel couldn’t help but sense it. “It’s okay, Wes.”
“Where’s Danika?”
“She left to get some dinner. I wanted to see you, and she said I could wait here while she went to the cafeteria.” Angel looked uncomfortable. “I’m sorry if I startled you.”
“No, it’s fine,” Wesley lied. He wanted Nika, and he was hardly able to believe that she would leave him with Angel.
The lines in the vampire’s face deepened. “Look, Wes, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize me being here would be that much of a disturbance. I can go.”
Wesley took a deep breath. “No, really, Angel. I’ll be fine. You just—startled me, is all.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Would you quit saying that?” Wesley snapped. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.”
Angel looked at him steadily. “Actually, there is.”
Opening his mouth to reply, Wesley checked himself. He still owed the vampire, after all. If Angel needed closure, who was he to deny it to him? Angel realized the injured man was planning on remaining silent and forged ahead. “Connor told me about what happened. I guess Buffy told Dawn earlier, and she told him. I wanted—I just realized that this might be the best time I would have to talk to you alone.”
“What did you want to say, Angel?”
Angel was relieved by Wesley’s almost gentle tone. “I know it’s too late,” he admitted quietly. “I always thought that I could come to you whenever I felt like it, whenever I was ready, and one day I realized that you’d moved on.” Angel sighed. “I wanted to tell you that I know why you took Connor, but now I can understand. I can accept and I can forgive, because I’ve realized what you did, you did out of love. I’ve done worse and had no good reason.”
Wesley hadn’t thought having Angel’s forgiveness would mean anything. It had been so long, and he had come so far. In fact, he had been able to tell himself that he didn’t need Angel’s forgiveness or anything else. Now that absolution had been offered, Wesley found himself trying to choke back tears.
“Angel—”
“Are we still friends, Wes?” Angel asked wistfully. “I’m not saying things are ever going to be the same, but are we okay?”
There was a small, spiteful part of Wesley that wanted to throw Angel’s words back in his teeth, to make him realize that nothing would ever make up for a murder attempt and years of exile.
But that was just it. Nothing would make up for it, just as nothing would make up for his taking Connor. As Nika had said not so long ago, Angel being an idiot had led him to her and to Spike. “We’re okay, Angel.”
“He botherin’ you, Wesley?” Spike had appeared in the doorway, looking better than he’d looked in two weeks. He was scowling at the larger vampire as though he was ready to start a fight in Wesley’s hospital room.
Wesley smiled. “No, Spike. Angel was just keeping me company until Nika got back.”
Spike frowned, disappointed that he wasn’t going to be allowed to kick Angel’s ass. “Right then. I sent Nika home. Ran into her in the hall, an’ she was lookin’ pretty drug out.”
“I should go,” Angel said, standing. “If Spike’s going to be here.”
The two vampires eyed each other as Spike moved slightly to let Angel pass. “Take care of him, will you, Spike?”
Spike glared at Angel suspiciously and then unbent enough to nod. “I try.” He watched until he was certain Angel was gone, and then sat down in the chair next to Wesley’s bed. “You feelin’ alright, mate?”
“Much better, thank you,” Wesley replied. “And you?”
Spike tried to look nonchalant, but couldn’t quite manage it. “Buffy an’ I made up,” he confessed. “We spent the day together.”
“You got some sleep I hope,” Wesley said, a touch of acid in his tone, although he didn’t mean it.
“We took a nap this afternoon,” was all Spike would admit to. “She asked me to be there when the baby’s born, be her birthin’ coach or some such.”
“That’s wonderful, Spike,” Wesley replied sincerely.
Spike hesitated. “You an’ Angel… You’re not goin’ back are you?”
“Going back to Angel Investigations would be like you going back to Sunnydale,” Wesley said softly. “That isn’t who we are anymore.” He frowned. “Where is Buffy, by the way? I would think you two wouldn’t want to lose sight of each other. Besides, you hardly have to stay. I’m quite alright.”
Spike shrugged, lifting an eyebrow. “Nika said you didn’t want to be alone, an’ this is fine. Buffy’s out in the hall. Think she wanted to talk to Angel for a minute.”
“You don’t sound too concerned.” Not that Wesley thought Spike ought to be worried, but it surprised him that the vampire didn’t seem to mind.
“You’re not hearin’ what I’m hearin’.”
~~~~~
Buffy sighed. Every time she’d seen Angel recently he’d given her the same speech, wondering why she would want to be with Spike. It was like Xander all over again, only with more leather. “Spike and I are together. Get over it, Angel.”
Angel frowned. “But, Buffy, he doesn’t have a soul.”
“And there were certainly times when I had my doubts about Cordelia having one,” Buffy replied, more than a touch of sarcasm in her voice. “We’ve been over for a long time now. We’ve both moved on. Who we moved on to is our business and no one else’s.”
“Can he really make you happy?”
“He already has.” Buffy glanced down the hall towards Wesley’s room. Spike was there, and her ex-Watcher who was becoming a good friend, and Nika, who was like having an older sister of her own. It was a family, a new one, and Buffy thought about the only other family she had in L.A. Not Dawn—Dawn as her family was as much a choice as Spike or any of the others. No, she was talking blood relation, and she thought it might be time to lay that particular demon to rest.
Buffy looked at Angel, realizing with a sense of relief that they were done. What was left of their relationship was a bare glimmer compared to what she and Spike shared. It was really and truly over. “I should go see Wesley,” she said quietly. “It was good to see you again, Angel. Feel free to call sometime if you and Cordelia want to go on a double date with Spike and me.”
It was a tongue-in-cheek offer, as Buffy knew he’d never take her up on it, but Angel surprised her by smiling. “I might just do that one of these days. Bye, Buffy.”
“Goodbye, Angel.”
They both recognized the ending for what it was.
~~~~~
“Okay, so you’re doin’ alright, then?” Spike asked Wesley. “You don’t need anything else?”
“I’m fine, Spike,” he replied with well-concealed impatience. “Why don’t you go see Buffy?”
Spike shrugged. “She’s comin’ over here. We’re watchin’ movies tonight, if you want to join us.” Nika had left earlier, but she had left strict instructions for the care of ex-Watchers. It had only been a week since Wesley had been released from the hospital, and she was still a little overprotective. Wesley sighed. He understood her concern, but he was getting just a little tired of being looked after. “Buffy’s bringin’ the ice cream,” Spike added. “An’ Connor an’ Dawn are comin’ too.”
“Why the party?” he asked suspiciously.
The vampire gave every appearance of complete innocence. “No reason.”
“Spike, you know I don’t like surprises.”
Spike grinned at the severe tone. “Which is why ‘m givin’ you a heads-up. Thought we’d put together a little welcome-home party, knowin’ how much you love bein’ in hospital.”
Wesley was stunned. “A—what?”
Spike sighed, explaining patiently. “Look, mate, we all know this wasn’t nearly as serious as it could have been, but it was still a bit scary. We wanted to make sure you knew how much we’d hate losin’ you. Nika said we could have a party, but she made us wait till you were feelin’ a bit stronger so you’d be up for it.” He grinned. “She even got the night off. In fact, she’s pickin’ up the pizza even as we speak.”
Wesley stared at him, and then smiled. “So this was supposed to be a surprise party?”
“Not really,” Spike replied. “Bit more low-key, you know. ‘s just s’posed to be us, an’ some movies, but we’re celebratin’. Also thought I should let you know that Connor volunteered his time to take over for you on the physical. We’ll still need your great squishy frontal lobes, of course, but you’ll need to take it easy for a while, an’ I know you wouldn’t be happy if I went out without backup.”
“Angel—”
“Can do without the boy,” Spike said firmly. “‘sides, we’re payin’ him a bit, an’ Angel isn’t. Connor said he wanted a summer job ‘fore he starts college, an’ this was good as any. Better, really, considerin’ the boy’s skills.”
Wesley wasn’t sure what to say, how to respond. No one had ever thrown him a party before, not even Angel or the others. He had always supposed that he wasn’t the sort people had parties for; he was usually on the planning committee. Plus, he’d been worried about how Spike would cope without him, as he wouldn’t be able to go out in the field for a while, and he’d been feeling just a little useless as a result. Now—”Spike…”
“No need,” the vampire said gently. Really, he hadn’t told Wesley because he knew the other man didn’t like surprises. It was more because Spike knew how much he hated getting emotional in front of others. He could relate. “We take care of each other, Wesley. ‘s what we do.”
Wesley took a deep breath, moving his good arm to clasp Spike’s shoulder. “Yes, it is.”