Chapter 20: January 2006
“Do you have everything you need?” Buffy asked her sister, sounding a little anxious.
Dawn raised an eyebrow. “Uh, Buffy, we’re only going to be gone like one night. Maybe two. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Who said it was?” Buffy asked, sounding defensive. “I didn’t say it was a big deal.”
Dawn snorted. “Please. You’ve been jumpy all day. What’s your deal? Just because we’re going to meet Nika’s nain—” she stopped. “It’s because of Spike, isn’t it? You’re nervous about seeing him again.”
“Of course not,” Buffy scoffed. “I mean, I just saw him a few days ago.”
Dawn gave her sister a knowing look. “Except that you told him we were moving to L.A., which is sort of like saying the ‘l’-word.”
“Me moving to L.A. has nothing to do with Spike,” Buffy said firmly. “I might have strong feelings, but I’m not in love with Spike.”
“Which is why you’re acting like a teenager with her first crush,” Dawn said wisely. “Sure, Buffy. Look, just do me a favor, okay? If you really do fall in love with the guy, just go with it. Nobody cares if you’re with him. Nobody who really matters, anyway.” She reached over and gave her sister a hug. “He still loves you, you know?”
“I know,” Buffy said quietly. “I know. Amazingly enough, I don’t think that’s the point.”
“Then what is the point?”
“Do I love him enough?” Buffy sighed. “Because I know I love him enough to not want to hurt him again.”
~~~~~
Spike tugged the sweater on over his head. It was one that Nika had given him for Christmas, which she assured him was very flattering. Buffy was going to be arriving any minute, and he wanted to be sure he looked—
“Bugger this,” he muttered, although he left the sweater on. Just because the Slayer was moving to L.A. didn’t mean anything. So what if she was going to be closer? So what if it appeared as though she might actually want a relationship with him? It didn’t mean anything.
He’d gotten his hopes up before, and it had just landed him in more trouble than he wanted.
“Spike? Are you ready?” Nika came down the stairs cautiously. “Is anything wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” he replied, his tone a little sharp. Spike sighed, softening his expression slightly. “Sorry, luv. ‘s just—”
“Things can change, Spike,” Nika said with a smile. “Sometimes for the better.”
He looked away. “Not when you’re me,” he muttered.
“Hey, you met me, didn’t you?” she teased. “Not to mention Wesley. Who’s to say you won’t live happily ever after?”
“Past experience,” Spike said drily.
Nika frowned. “Spike—”
He shook his head, forestalling her words. “Don’t mind me, luv. Just feelin’ a bit out of sorts tonight.”
Nika put a gentle hand on his cheek. “You have the right, cariad. Come upstairs now?”
“Right behind you,” Spike assured her. He heard Buffy’s voice before they reached the main level, and could tell that Wesley was making introductions.
“It’s really nice to meet you,” Buffy was saying as they came out to the living room. Spike could see Enid giving her the once-over, and he had the suspicion that Nika had told her of his feelings for the Slayer.
Actually, Spike knew Nika had been filling her grandmother in on him. Every time they started giggling and speaking exclusively in Welsh, he knew they were talking about him. He’d actually been keeping fairly close to Wesley the past couple weeks, since the other man spoke the language, and they didn’t act quite as giddy when the ex-Watcher was around.
Enid smiled and warmly returned her greeting. “It is nice to meet you as well, Buffy.” She turned and looked at Dawn. “And you must be Dawn. I have heard many good things about you.”
Dawn blushed and smiled. “It’s nice to know I’m appreciated,” she joked.
“We should eat,” Enid announced. “The food will be cold soon.”
The others headed off for the small dining room, leaving Spike and Buffy face to face. Neither one of them knew how to greet each other. A few years ago, it wouldn’t have mattered—the Slayer would have either popped him in the nose or jumped his bones or not even acknowledged his presence. Everything was different these days, and the feeling of being off balance left both of them on edge and insecure.
Buffy wanted to kiss him, or embrace him, but she wasn’t sure it was allowed. She had no idea what constituted “good touching” anymore. She had no idea what he wanted from her. Finally, after several seconds of silence, she decided it was time to grab the bull by the horns.
Spike was a bit surprised when Buffy kissed him gently on the cheek in greeting, but he couldn’t help but feel pleased. Feeling very daring, he tucked her hair behind her ear. “Glad you and the Bit could make it, luv.”
Buffy simply smiled and tucked her hand into his arm, letting him lead the way into the dining room.
~~~~~
Dinner proved to be a highly enjoyable affair for all parties. Enid and Nika were both excellent cooks, and the table groaned beneath the weight of all the food. Before long, the wine was flowing, with even Dawn partaking of a small glass, although Buffy abstained. As everyone became more comfortable, the stories also began to flow.
Enid related one of the more spectacular births she’d attended, complete with triplets delivered in a raging blizzard. Nika told the story of the demon birth she’d been hijacked into helping with, and Wesley’s role in the affair. Her praise had him flushing with pleasure. Next it was Dawn’s turn to tell about one of her and Connor’s more embarrassing moments, involving a first kiss where neither of them quite knew what to do.
“That can hardly be worse than the first kiss I had with Cordelia,” Wesley commented among the chuckles.
Buffy’s eyebrows flew straight up. “You kissed Cordelia?” She gave a snort of laughter. “I knew you had your eyes on her, but then you guys didn’t seem all that close when you left Sunnydale.”
Wesley grinned ruefully and shot an apologetic glance at Nika. “I’m not sure I should be discussing past kisses in front of my girlfriend.”
“No, I think I’d quite like to hear about this disastrous kiss.” Nika gave him a playful look.
Wesley sighed. “You just want to embarrass me.”
“Of course,” was her quick reply.
“Very well, then,” he began. “It was right before we went out to face the Mayor. You remember,” he said, looking over at Buffy. She nodded and he continued. “So we were packing up books, and I believe we both had idea in our heads that we might die.”
“Carpe diem?” Spike asked with a smirk.
Something like that,” Wesley admitted. “In any case, we go to kiss each other, and I went one way, and she went the same way, so we both bumped noses. And then I’m afraid I slobbered all over her chin. You can see why we never said anything.”
Buffy laughed. “And to think Xander was completely jealous of you.”
“Yes, well, that was probably premature,” Wesley replied with a small smile.
Nika reached over and took his hand. “Well, whatever your kissing prowess might have been like then, I would say you have improved a hundred-fold.”
Wesley gave her a small smile in return. “Thank you, my love.”
“Besides, kissing is not your only talent,” she whispered, too low for anyone but Spike and Wesley to catch the words.
Spike watched the tips of Wesley’s ears turned pink. “Well, you should have seen Spike the first time he tried to cook.”
The vampire looked over at Dawn and gave her a death-glare, “Bit—”
“Wait a minute,” Buffy said. “Spike can cook?”
“‘Tried’ being the operative word,” Dawn said with a smile. “It was the summer that Buffy was—away, right? Tara and Willow moved in, but they were both working all the time, and Spike decided I wasn’t eating ‘properly.'”
“Oh, bugger,” Spike muttered, hiding his face in his hands.
“So anyway, I get back from being out with a friend, because Spike insisted I get home by six, and he’s in the kitchen ‘making dinner,'” Dawn said this, making little air quotes. “He had all of Mom’s recipes scattered all over the place, about four pots boiling over on the stove, and whatever was in the oven was burning. He’d tried to figure out what my favorite meal was, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. Not to mention the fact that he was wearing one of Mom’s aprons.”
Wesley couldn’t hold in his laughter. “An apron?”
“Bugger off,” Spike said.
Dawn grinned. “It was a complete mess. Nothing turned out the way it was supposed to. In the end, we ordered pizza and left the clean up for the next morning. It was probably the nicest thing anybody did for me that summer.”
Spike looked up, startled. He met Dawn’s eyes across the table and smiled, one of his sweet, rare smiles that he saved for his girls. “That right, luv?”
Buffy watched the exchange and felt a pang. She’d insisted that Spike and Dawn stop spending time with one another after she got back, thinking it wrong somehow for the girl to want to hang around a vampire so much. She hadn’t understood; the Slayer hadn’t any idea of what that summer had really been like.
“Yeah,” Dawn said, but then her grin turned evil. “Of course, the apron was priceless.”
“Indeed,” Wesley agreed. “I’d pay good money to see that.”
Spike smirked. “Too bad, because it ain’t gonna happen, mate.”
Buffy watched the interplay between the two men, watched the way they interacted with Dawn, saw their responses to Nika and Enid, and was highly impressed. There was a sense of family there that had been present with the Scooby gang at the best of times. Even now, when she and her friends had grown apart, there was a feeling of coming home when they all got together again. But this—this place could be a new home, a different one.
She looked over at Nika, who had caught her watching Spike. The two women locked eyes, and then both smiled.
Buffy glanced back over at Spike. Oh, yes. This could also become home.
~~~~~
“Spike told me you’d decided you wanted to use a midwife,” Nika said, joining Buffy in the living room. Dawn had left a little earlier to meet Connor, and Wesley and Spike were helping Enid with the dishes. Buffy had been told in no uncertain terms that she was a guest and thus exempt from washing up.
Buffy smiled at the other woman. “Yeah. I was looking into it, and I thought it might be a good idea, especially given who I am. I don’t think anyone really knows what happens when the Slayer gives birth.”
“I won’t pretend that I know anything about it either, then,” Nika said with a smile. “May I ask you a personal question, Buffy?”
The Slayer looked at the other woman warily. “Sure, I guess.”
“Do you have feelings for Spike?”
Buffy hesitated before answering, though it had nothing to do with not wanting to admit to it. It had everything to do with not knowing how to answer the question. “I—yeah, I do,” she breathed. “I just haven’t sorted them all out yet.”
Nika nodded wisely. “It is often difficult to know how we feel about others. I have found that I have a tendency to let what I feel for one person influence how I feel for another. And sometimes, we fear the unknown that the other person represents for us.”
“Something like that,” Buffy admitted. “It’s more than that, though. Things between Spike and I have always been tense, either because he was trying to kill me or because I was just waiting for the chip to stop working. My worst fear came true when he got the chip out—except that he didn’t start killing again.”
Nika looked at the younger woman compassionately. She could understand Buffy’s fear of getting involved with a vampire. Loving one went against everything she was, everything she had been taught. Nika had a great deal of trepidation herself where it concerned getting involved with another demon hunter. “If your worst fear has not been realized, what is stopping you?”
Buffy shook her head. “It’s complicated. I mean, I’ve loved him for a while now, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“No,” Nika agreed. “Sometimes, it isn’t. Maybe if you give yourself some time to get to know him you’ll discover that it can be.”
~~~~~
Spike and Wesley were good-naturedly arguing over the last cookie when Spike’s head suddenly shot up. “Bugger me.” Wesley raised an eyebrow. Spike’s tone was equal parts angry and reverent, and the vampire abandoned the cookie and started patting his pockets. “Need a smoke,” he muttered, ducking out the backdoor.
Wesley and Enid exchanged glances. Wesley shrugged in response to her unspoken question, and headed out after his friend. “Spike?”
“‘m fine.” There was a hiss and a flare as Spike lit a cigarette. “‘s nothin’.”
Wesley didn’t believe him for a second. “Somehow I doubt that. What did you hear?”
It was the only thing he could think of. Buffy and Nika had been talking in the other room, and while he couldn’t make out many of their words, Spike’s hearing was quite good. The vampire whirled to face him, almost bursting with suppressed energy. Wesley couldn’t tell if he was upset or not. “She loved me. Or loves me. Not clear on that part.”
Wesley blinked. “Buffy said she’s in love with you?”
“No, she said she loved me,” Spike corrected him. “‘s completely different. She said it’s been for a while. A while!” He started pacing, smoking almost frantically and running a hand through his short hair. “What the bleedin’ hell am I supposed to do now?”
Wesley frowned, sitting down on the patio chair Nika left out there for just such a purpose. He had a feeling this could take a while to sort out. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
“No. Well, yeah. Sort of.” Spike sighed and abruptly slumped down in the chair across from him. “I just—Never thought I would hear it, yeah? An’ now she says it, but she doesn’t know I heard. An’ she doesn’t even know if I’m what she wants.” Spike stood and started pacing again. Wesley was beginning to get dizzy. “I don’t even know if she’s what I want,” he admitted in a low voice.
“Do you love her still?” Wesley asked gently.
“‘Course,” Spike said impatiently. “That’s not the problem.”
“Then what is the problem?”
“Don’t know if I trust her,” Spike said quietly, sitting down again. “I—I can’t go back there, mate. I can’t give her everythin’ again. Got other obligations.”
Wesley nodded slowly. “What will you do?”
Spike took another drag and stubbed out his cigarette in the coffee can Nika kept out for that purpose. “Dunno.” He looked up sharply, and Wesley got a sinking feeling in his gut. “You could help.”
“I doubt it,” Wesley said severely. “I think this is something you and Buffy should work out for yourselves.”
Spike shook his head. “You know how well that turned out for me last time, Wesley,” he coaxed. “You could feel her out for me, figure out what she’s plannin’, why she’s movin’ to L.A.” When Wesley shook his head stubbornly, Spike fixed him with a stern glare. “You owe me.”
“Owe you for what?” Wesley asked.
Spike raised an eyebrow. “I helped you out with Nika, didn’t I? Told you she fancied you, encouraged her in your direction.”
Wesley wasn’t sure that Spike’s actions meant that he owed the vampire, but he had to admit that he probably did owe Spike somethingfor any number of reasons. “Buffy and I are hardly the best of friends, Spike. I don’t know why you would think she’d confide in me.”
The wheels were turning in Spike’s head, and he wasn’t in the mood to be listening to Wesley’s objections. “No, you could talk to her. She’ll want to be lookin’ for apartments. You could offer to help. Or I could offer your services. Nika’s subbing for that EMT the next few weeks, so she can’t, an’ shoppin’ for a place to live is a daylight job, so I can’t. You could go with her.”
Wesley gave Spike a slightly exasperated look. “I doubt she’d need my help finding a place to live, Spike. She’s a grown woman, for one thing, and I have nothing but a bare acquaintance with her. I believe those kinds of services are usually offered by someone who is rather close.”
“But you know your way ’round L.A.,” Spike reminded him triumphantly. “So maybe she’d want your help.”
Wesley didn’t think so, but he sighed. He was fairly certain that Buffy would reject any offer of help, as she struck him as the independent sort. On the other hand, if he offered, and Buffy refused, he would have fulfilled his promise. “I’ll offer,” he said. “But, if she says no, you’ll just have to deal with it yourself.”
“Yeah, sure,” Spike said, waving a hand.
Wesley gave him a piercing look. “Have you ever thought of asking her out?”
“Askin’ her out? Like on a date?” Spike asked, a blank look on his face.
“Yes, asking her out. I’ve heard that women like that,” Wesley said drily. “Dinner, a movie, the usual.”
Spike frowned. “Buffy an’ I don’t have that kind of relationship,” he objected. “We’ve never done that sort of thing.” At Wesley’s raised eyebrow, Spike gave him a dirty look. “She wasn’t interested! She bloody well hated me. What the hell was I supposed to do?”
“Did you ever try it?” Wesley asked gently.
Spike shrugged. “Well, there was this one time I took her lookin’ for some vamps, but she didn’t know it was s’posed to be a date.”
Wesley smiled. “What happened?”
“She figured it out, shot me down brutally, an’ I ended up chaining her up in my crypt.”
Wesley’s eyes widened and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. It shouldn’t have been funny, but somehow the situation was so Spike—impulsive, disastrous, and probably with the best of intentions fueling the entire thing. “I’m sure that went over well.”
“She revoked my invite,” Spike said glumly. “An’ before you say it, I know ‘m an idiot.”
“I’m glad you can see that for yourself,” Wesley replied.
Spike gave him a sour look. “We worked it out eventually. I had to get tortured by a Hellgod an’ all first—that was bad—but she let me back in. That was the night she died,” he said softly.
“Has she said anything to you at all about her own feelings or intentions?” Wesley asked, noting the almost reverent look on Spike’s face. The vampire had it bad.
Spike shrugged. “Said she wanted to be friends, get to know each other.”
“There you go,” Wesley replied. “So ask her to do something with you.”
Spike thought about it. “Like goin’ demon hunting?”
“I was thinking something a little more along the lines of a nice dinner,” Wesley said, beginning to make his own plans. He and Nika had done any number of things as friends, but there had hardly been time to go on what he would term a real date since they started officially seeing one another. Plus, he wanted to make their engagement official before Enid left, and he needed to find a ring. This might be an excellent time to take his own advice.
“Ask her out to a nice restaurant,” Wesley encouraged. “Talk to her.”
Spike raised his scarred eyebrow, a sardonic expression on his face. “Right. Last time we went out to dinner, we got into a fight ’bout her choice of boyfriends.” He shook his head. “Think I’ll wait for your update, Wesley.”
The ex-Watcher sighed. “Very well. However, I expect you to do your own work after that, Spike. I have never pretended to be any kind of matchmaker.”
“Not askin’ you to matchmake,” Spike said with a smile. “Just do what a friend might.”
~~~~~
“Maybe you should think of starting over,” Nika said. Enid was sitting in the recliner, a glass of scotch in her hand, listening avidly to the conversation. She had the sense that Spike was getting a pep-talk from Wesley on the back porch while Nika dealt with the Slayer.
Buffy gave her a skeptical look. “Start over?”
“Certainly,” Enid said firmly. “There are times when one must discard the past and move on to whatever new opportunities present themselves, create them, if necessary.”
The Slayer wasn’t convinced. “Spike and I have a lot of bad history,” she said doubtfully.
“We all have history, Buffy,” Nika said gently. “As some might say, we all have baggage. If I let it control me, I would never have gotten involved with Wesley or Spike, and yet the joy they’ve brought is worth all the pain that might come.”
Buffy shook her head. “I’m not sure,” she admitted. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t have feelings for him. It’s not even the vampire thing so much anymore. Spike’s pretty much proven that he’s in a class all his own. I just don’t know that we’re any good for each other, and we both have others besides ourselves that we have to be concerned about.”
Nika nodded. “Then perhaps this time you will be better for one another because you do have others to think about. It is sometimes easier to do right by another when you cannot be self-involved.”
“I hope you’re right,” Buffy said. “It’s just that there’s so much between us—things that we’ve both done.”
Enid smiled. “It is more difficult to forgive yourself, is it not? To trust yourself with the one you love after you hurt him so badly?”
Buffy shut her eyes against the images Enid’s words brought to mind. That night in the alley—”There’s nothing good in you…I’ll never be your girl.”
“I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes,” Buffy admitted. “Spike was probably the worst.”
“And yet you have a chance to repair those mistakes, perhaps to build a relationship that would be even stronger than before.” Nika smiled at her. “Don’t let your fear stop you Buffy, not if you think Spike is worth the risk.”
Buffy managed a smile in reply, but that wasn’t the problem. She knew Spike was worth the risk, but did Spike still feel the same way about her?