Chapter 11
Chapter Notes: Sorry for the wait but the holidays were filled with lots of drama and also lots of fun to be had so I’ve been busy! However, I’m bringing in the new year writing up a storm so hopefully you won’t be waiting for this story to wrap up. This chapter is a bit heavy by comparison to the rest of the story but I thought it was important for where I’m trying to go. Hope it’s not too sappy for some of you, but I like sap and angst and tears and laughter so there you go. Happy New Year!
“I feel like the bottom of a shoe,” Willow said, poking her mashed potatoes with her fork in the school cafeteria.
“I feel like whatever the bottom of your shoe stepped on,” Xander said dejectedly.
“You’d think he’d say something, you know? Not just look at me with his sad, puppy dog eyes a-and his cute little chin. But nope. Nothing. It’s almost worse that he didn’t say anything.”
“I’d rather have Oz’s charming stoicism than Cordy’s violence and affinity to egging cars.”
Willow scrunched her nose and Buffy, who had been silently watching the two beat themselves up, decided to speak.
“I think you both got off easy.” She shrugged and started peeling the rind off her orange.
“Please…tell me how any of this is easy?” Xander asked, flabbergasted.
“Well, for one thing, if Spike were to do something like that, like…say he kissed some girl or whatever. You know what I’d do?” She placed her orange down on the table and leaned forward towards her friends, dropping her voice dangerously low. “First, I’d find her, tear her hair out at the roots, and tie Spike up so he’d have to watch. I’d get a really big, pointy knife and then?”
Xander and Willow swallowed as their own fear rose to the surface while they waited for her to continue.
Seeing their wide-eyed, horrified expressions, Buffy sat back in her seat and said, “Then…I’d probably do something…uh…you know what?” She faked a laugh and waved her hand dismissively in the air. “Let’s not worry about what I would or wouldn’t do.” She cleared her throat, relieved that she’d stopped herself before she ventured into crazy town. But seriously. She’d murder the girl who dared touch her man.
“The point is, you both did something wrong and you’re paying for it now. If it was meant to be, it will work out in the end.” She popped an orange wedge into her mouth and smiled as she chewed.
“Right,” Xander said, licking his lips as he looked at her. “And speaking of that…what’s up with the spell hoo-hah? Any progress?”
Buffy shivered. “Don’t talk about it. You’ll jinx it.”
Willow frowned sympathetically. “I know this must be really confusing for you, Buffy. Especially with Spike being all…well, not so evil. But even if you were meant to be with him, wouldn’t you feel better knowing that you loved him without magic? I-I mean, hypothetically speaking.” Her voice trailed off when Xander gave her an incredulous look and Buffy grew silent as something Willow said started to register.
“She doesn’t love Spike, Willow. I refuse to believe that.”
“Maybe not right now,” Willow said sternly, sitting up confidently in her seat. “I mean, love is one of life’s…uh…many wondrous things, you know? She could fall in love with him in the future. Spike could change in the next few years. It is the Hellmouth, anything could happen.”
“Maybe Buffy doesn’t know what she wants because she’s under a spell, Wills.”
“You’re just angry because Buffy and Spike are happy and…and you’re just a dumb boy!”
“Buffy isn’t happy! When was the last time you’ve seen Buffy happy?”
“That’s exactly my point, Xander! Buffy is happy and we should be happy and—”
“Buffy is right here!” Buffy shouted. “Guys…calm down.” They regretfully obeyed and sank in their chairs as they sighed. “Look, it’s nice that you guys are concerned for me. I get it and thank you. But you don’t know what Spike is really like. Yeah, he’s a vampire and he’s evil and he has the most amazing smile when he thinks I’m not looking and surprisingly soft skin and—”
“Buffy.”
“Sorry. I just…I don’t know. I love him and he’s been changing. You know, he hasn’t killed anyone since the spell? I didn’t even ask him not to. He just decided on his own. And he hasn’t killed any of you and he could have! I guess I don’t understand why everyone is so concerned about it. After everything that happened with Angel…I just feel like I’m finally in a good place.”
“I think Angel is the reason we’re concerned, Buffy,” Xander said. “You were happy with him, too, and he killed Miss Calendar!”
“And I dealt with it,” she said firmly. “I dealt with it, even when he had his soul back long enough for me to feel really, really bad. And I still dealt with it. I always deal with it.” She stood up, angry and tired of defending her actions. “If Spike is willing to change, if he’s willing to go against his nature to do the right thing, then I should hope my friends would try to do the same.”
“Buffy—”
“I have to go to the library and report to Giles anyway.” She slung her backpack over her shoulder and picked up her tray, unable to look them in the eyes. “I’ll see you guys later.” She walked away, leaving them to stew on their own.
Willow poked Xander in the arm and scowled at him. “Nice going. Now she’s mad at us. And I was even on her side.”
“Sorry, but, my skills with the ladies lately? Not so good.” He proved his point by pointing over his shoulder at the table behind them where a group of girls were sitting, glaring daggers at his back.
Willow shrank in her seat and turned back to face Xander when she whispered, “You might try testing your brakes before you leave the parking lot today.”
“Good call.”
* * * *
“We need to talk,” Giles said somberly as Buffy entered the library.
“Oh, God, not you too?” Her shoulders sagged as she sighed. “I know he’s evil and dangerous and I’m a big stupid idiot under a spell and I should know better. Are we done now?”
Giles frowned quizzically. “I wasn’t going to say that, but now you mention it…”
She held up a hand to silence him and sat down heavily in a chair at the large round table by the stacks. “All right. Let’s get the scolding over with. I’m ready to be scolded.”
“Buffy, what gave you the idea that I mean to scold you?” He sat on the edge of the table near her and gave her a fatherly smile. He could tell she was upset and he didn’t like to see her so sullen. “Under the circumstances, I must say you’ve surprised me with how well you’ve handled everything. You’ve seen to your duties even under a spell…”
Buffy flinched at that and looked at the ground. She still hadn’t told him about Stephanie. She hoped he wouldn’t ask her directly. Spike told her not to lie to him but the urge to make something up and save herself from the lecture was very, very strong.
“You’re really quite remarkable, Buffy. I’m proud to be your watcher.” He smoothed one hand down the side of her head, looking down at her with a warm expression.
She smiled gratefully, instantly soothed by his kindness. “Thanks, Giles,” she said softly.
“Now, what seems to be the trouble?”
She shrugged and picked at a loose thread on her skirt. “I’m tired of this spell.”
“What was that?”
She lifted her head and said louder so he could hear. “I said I’m tired of this spell! I’m tired of everyone looking at me like I have egg on my face. I’m tired of no one believing anything I say and excusing it for magic. Even Spike. I had to read parts of my diary to him just to get him to believe me but I still think he doesn’t believe me, not completely.”
“I see.” Giles inhaled slowly as he thought it over. “What do you propose we do?”
“I don’t know.” Her eyes shined with tears and she closed them, trying to keep it together. “I just feel like I owe it to him.”
“To Spike.”
“Yes! To Spike. I love him but…I think I finally know that it’s magic. I mean, some of the things I say and think are so…” She took a deep breath and sighed. “You know those cheesy romance novels you always see in grocery stores?” Giles nodded. “Well, I’ve sort of had an unhealthy obsession with them for a couple of years. I’d buy a few and hide them in my closet, only reading the parts without dialog because, well, that’s where the good stuff is.” She cleared her throat.
“Oh, well…th-that’s…I’m not certain this is the sort of conversation we should be having, Buffy.”
She smiled a bit. “Ok, to the point, Buffy. I guess I just…I always had these really ridiculous fantasies of men with billowing shirts and glistening abs, rescuing me from a tower or something. And ever since that spell, I felt as if I were thrust into that world. I’ve said the word loins more than any teenager ever would or should. Do you see where I’m going with this?”
“Yes, I think so. You think your mind has replaced reality with fantasy?”
“That’s the thing, though. I feel like Harlequin Buffy only in spurts but when I’m with him it’s so intense I can barely breathe and I don’t think that’s fantasy. I’ve never even thought about love being like that before. When I was with Angel, it was…all a first for me. He was mysterious and dark and handsome and everything a girl could want. It was exciting being with him but it wasn’t like this. Angel wanted to protect me and watch over me. It’s a nice thought and all, but he’s not my dad. That’s not what…it’s just not what I want. Spike is…I can’t explain it but I know I love him, Giles. But he won’t accept it until this spell is over with. None of you will, really. I think I owe it to him to let it happen naturally, I guess, no matter how long it takes.”
“There’s only one way to do that, Buffy.”
“I know.” She nodded sadly, but she knew it was the only way. Spike would never admit his feelings for her until it was over and she wanted to hear it so badly, wanted to hear him say those words and mean them that she’d do whatever it took. He wouldn’t tell her unless he was sure that what they were feeling was real, and she understood that now.
“You will forget him. How can you be sure that it will work out?”
“I’m not sure. But I love him enough to want what’s best.” They were quiet for a while when Buffy tilted her head and cocked an eyebrow. “Hey, wait a second…you’re awfully supportive right now. Aren’t you supposed to be telling me that vampires can’t love and that I’m making a big mistake?”
He smiled and rose from the table. “I haven’t the foggiest idea what you’re on about.”
“It’s always the quiet ones that have the biggest secrets,” she said playfully, folding her arms over her chest.
“And don’t you forget it.” Giles paused from his words, offering an apologetic smile for his double meaning. Buffy didn’t seem to take offense though, so wrapped up in her own thoughts as it was. He was grateful that she came to him on her own, that she was making the wisest choice by going ahead with the spell.
Her actions only served to prove the theory he’d discovered the night before and his visitor would just have to deal with the consequences. Buffy was his charge, his slayer, his responsibility. Her happiness and wellbeing were far more important than to risk ruining her future due to the ridiculous hypothesis of a man she’d already written off emotionally.
He excused her from school early, knowing that she had a difficult conversation ahead of her and that it might take some time for goodbyes. She was to report back to him as soon as she was finished; bringing any and everything in her possession that might remind her of Spike.
Buffy was making the right decision. Willow had tampered with the balance and it would only be a matter of time before nature sought to correct the folly of magic once he eradicated the spell. If his theories were true, all would be right again.
* * * *
“Ditching school to come see me? Now I know I’m a bad influence,” Spike said, smiling as Buffy entered the factory. He gave her a questioning look when she didn’t respond.
“What’s wrong?”
“I, um…” She fidgeted with her sleeves and looked away from him. “I have to tell you something. It’s kind of important.”
“Good, because I have to tell you something important too.” He grinned from ear to ear, proud about his discovery from the night before. His smile waned when she started sniffling. He immediately wrapped her up in his arms, his worry increasing as she started to tremble.
“Hey, now…what’s this?”
“You smell good.” She buried her face in his chest as she sobbed, inhaling his masculine scent.
“Look at me,” he said softly. When she finally raised her head to his, he smiled and pushed her hair out of her face. “Why the tears?”
She sniffed loudly and wiped her nose with the back of her hand and stepped away, needing to place distance between them in order to tell him her news. “Giles is going to do the forgetting spell tonight.”
Spike shook his head with barely contained frustration and raked his hands through his hair. Buffy stared at the ground as he started ranting about watchers and white hats and stupid spells and how they’d just have to make them wait because he wasn’t going to let them erase her mind and Buffy finally shouted, “It was my decision!”
He turned to face her, confusion evident in his furrowed brow. “What?”
“I said that it was my decision to go ahead with the spell. I told him I wanted him to do it.”
Spike sat down slowly on the edge of his bed, his eyes trained on a nondescript spot on the floor. He finally looked up at her, watched her fidget nervously. “Why?”
“Because,” she started to say, and walked over to the bed to sit beside him. “Because I love you and…well, you said last night that you’d tell me when it was over.”
“I didn’t mean for you to—”
She placed her hand on his shoulder. “I know you didn’t. But this is the only way I can prove to you that I love you. You’ll see.”
“It’s not going to work like that, dove,” he said sardonically and stood up, fishing out his smokes and lighting one. “You’ll be your old bitchy self and won’t even recognize me to even enjoy the witty banter. You’ll try and dust me just like all the other vamps out there.”
“But you can tell me that you don’t kill humans any more, that you want to help!”
He snorted. “Right, because you’d believe that.” He shook his head and started to walk around the room, needing to collect his thoughts. He wasn’t expecting this turn of events and it was confusing him. His speculation as to who had given him the book didn’t seem right any longer. His solution seemed out of reach now and worse, Buffy was going to be taken from him.
True, this Buffy loved him through magic, but it was more than he’d ever hoped for. Just like that, she would be gone and he had no doubt that once she was sorted out, she’d never feel anything remotely similar for him again. It was like giving him a soft, cuddly teddy bear that he’d snuggle and sleep with at night and then yanking it away once he got attached to the thing, only to replace it with a real bear that wanted nothing but to kick his ass and slice his skin open with its pink-painted claws. That was the Buffy he could look forward to seeing the following day.
“So, this is it, then? Come to say goodbye and go off on your merry way, yeah?” His posture stiffened as he mentally prepared himself for her to leave him, trying desperately not to go to her when her eyes shone with tears. “Well, it’s been fun, love.” He sniffed casually and took a drag of his cigarette as he turned away. “Best leave now before you change your mind.”
“Spike, I don’t want to leave like this. You’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you,” he said, shrugging with his back to her, pretending to look through a stack of magazines on the table. “You need to go, so go. Don’t worry about me. I’m a tough bastard.” He turned and smiled tightly at her.
“You know, you can stop with the badass routine. I know you’re upset. I’m upset! Let’s be upset!”
He sighed and stomped out his cigarette butt on the floor. “Just…don’t want you to go is all.” His chin wobbled and her heart simply melted into her shoes. He was wrapped in her arms in an instant, his cheeks peppered with kisses and his hair mussed from her eager fingers.
“Love you, love you, love you,” she said between kisses, unable to let him go just yet. She was glad when his arms wrapped around her finally and he returned her kisses. “I’m sorry, Spike. But I have to do this.”
His fingers dug into her back and he buried his face in her neck, inhaling her scent as he nodded with silent resignation.
After a long moment of silence, Buffy spoke. “What were you going to tell me when I came over?”
“Doesn’t matter now.” He pulled away and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Thought I had a solution but you’re right. The spell should be broken. Not fair to you.”
“What was it? I want to know.” She rubbed his arm, hoping to offer some comfort but nothing would. She still had to touch him, though, thinking each time would be the last.
“This book,” he said as he walked over to a table in the far corner of the large room, “had some bit about vampires and claims and I thought…I don’t know.” His fingers fanned the edges of the pages as he looked at the opened book with a morose expression.
“Claims?”
“Yeah. Thought they were just legend, you know? Heard about it a few times over the years but usually just in passing. Angel said they didn’t exist and that I shouldn’t worry myself over them but…I don’t know. Then I find this passage last night and everything sort of clicked. I thought I had it all figured out. I’d claim you and you’d claim me and everyone could go and fuck themselves.” He slammed the book shut angrily and snorted humorlessly. “But it doesn’t matter now, does it?”
Buffy stood silently, still not understanding what any of that meant. “How does a claim work? I mean, what does it do?”
Frustrated that they were still talking about it, he lit another cigarette to keep his mind distracted from the weepy thoughts that were sure to resurface as soon as she left him. “I don’t know, Buffy. You just…I bite you and drink from you and claim you. You accept it and then we’re linked through our blood. If you do the same, then it’s a mutual claim and nothing can break it. It’s eternal, pet. The strongest of all claims…like a marriage only better because of the amazing sex and all. If anyone were to kill me, you’d die and the same goes the other way. Nothing could break the bond, not even a spell…” His voice trailed off and his eyes widened with realization.
An idea flitted through her mind as well and she looked up at him with a hopeful smile. “Not even a spell could break it! Spike, we might have found a way for me to remember you.”
But, that wasn’t exactly what he was thinking. “Huh?”
“Ok, hear me out.” She started to pace the room, tapping her fingers on her hips as she collected her thoughts. “We claim each other. Like, right now.”
“Uh-huh…” One of his eyebrows rose skeptically.
“And then I go to Giles and go ahead with the spell.”
“Yeah…”
“And then I forget you.”
“Oh, so I get to be stuck with the memories and the blood link with a slayer that hates me? No thanks, love.”
“Spike, think about it! This way, there will still be a link to my memories with you. I couldn’t kill you and you couldn’t kill me.”
“How do you figure that your memories will just…come back? The only way that would even work is if we drank from one another and there’s no bloody way you’d let that happen without staking me.”
“But I couldn’t stake you! You’d…well, you’d have to force yourself on me. It’s the only way, Spike. You said a claim is stronger than magic and I don’t want to forget everything we’ve been through together, the good or the bad.”
“But a claim won’t make you love me, Buffy. You might be linked to me forever and hate my guts.”
“You could claim someone else if I was too stubborn to realize that you’re the only man I’ll ever love.”
“You don’t just go around claiming people, kitten. It means something!” He flinched at the volume of his own voice and smiled softly when he saw that she was finally starting to understand how important this was.
A bit softer this time, he said, “I suppose over time it would weaken since we wouldn’t be drinking from one another regularly, but it would still be there. We’d still be connected.”
She folded her arms across her chest and lifted her chin in the air. “Well, I think it’s worth it. I’m that convinced of my feelings for you.”
“You’re a stubborn bitch, you know that?” He smiled and let out a long sigh. She grinned victoriously and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I hope you don’t regret this.”
“How could I?” She tilted her head upwards and pressed her lips against his. “I love you.”
“Yeah, but—” She kissed him again before he could continue that thought. While she felt amazing, tasted wonderful and made the sweetest noises as he started undressing her, he was taking his time to remember every second of it. He knew she’d never love him and that this was all he was going to get. Claiming her would seal his fate, damn him to a life bonded to a woman that hated him, but at least it would keep him alive. He’d be protected from her wrath but suffer the loss of her nearness, her touch, her lips. All of it gone. Though they’d spent only days together, it was enough to nag at him for the rest of his life, enough to remind him what he would be missing. He was a glutton for punishment.
She was naked and lying on her back then, looking up at him with those lying eyes of hers and he refused to be sad at this moment. Whether she meant it or not, he’d always wanted this. And he would have it, this moment, just this once.
“Are you ready?” He settled his hips between her legs and waited for her response.
When she smiled at him, that gorgeous, glistening smile, he was helpless against kissing it, moaning into her happy mouth and savoring the feel of her soft skin against his. When he was finally inside her, when her warm breath fanned over his neck with a soft cry, her slick walls enveloped him and he fell in love with her all over again. Though he wanted it to last, wanted to feel every centimeter of her body and drag it out until she couldn’t breathe, his hips had a mind of their own. He moved frantically above her and his fangs descended, his nature winning out over his heart. Her eyes widened a fraction and for a moment he thought she might ask him to stop, but her fingers cast through his hair and she held his gaze with hers as he moved over her.
“I’m close,” she said softly, and turned her head to the side to expose her neck.
A very strange and powerful battle was warring inside him. The vampire that he was wanted to brand her, mark her as his for all eternity while the man wanted to make sure he was doing the right thing, that he wasn’t fucking himself over with a life of loneliness. But her blood was pumping fiercely, her breath was ragged and hoarse and he watched her jugular twitch with every beat of her heart and suddenly, he bit into her neck and her delicious blood flooded into his mouth.
He’d only tasted a slayer once, the one in China, snapping the second slayer’s neck. What he remembered most from the first time was the invigorating rush of power. To feel one’s enemy in such an intimate way was a heady experience that had him feasting from her neck and draining her in mere seconds.
But this was different. He tasted her power, her strength, her nature, yes. But there was something else, too, something even more powerful than her being a slayer. Her life was in him in seconds, like panoramic images flashing before his eyes. Her sorrow, her pain, her happiness. The first time she rode a bike. The first time she was afraid. Trying out for the cheerleading squad. The day her father left them. Her memories were inside him. Buffy was inside of him while he was inside of her. It was a sensation that almost made him weep, a connection he’d never felt with another person before and didn’t think he’d ever experience with anyone else.
Her heartbeat grew louder in his ears and it was almost deafening until he realized he was taking too much blood. He gently removed his fangs and licked her wounds, reciting the words that would make her his for eternity. She eagerly accepted and then he winced as her blunt teeth bit into his neck.
She wasn’t expecting it to be so easy to break his skin but soon she tasted Spike’s blood and he was fucking her hard, pounding into her as she drank from him. It wasn’t a pleasant taste but it wasn’t unbearable and at the same time, there were too many wonderful things happening at that precise moment for her to focus on the flavor. He might not have said the words aloud, but as she swallowed him down, she knew he loved her. She felt it so sublimely, so beautifully, that she started to cry.
He came inside her, thrusting so fiercely into her that it triggered her own orgasm and she tore her mouth away from his neck to cry out the words to bind them together as she found release. His forehead pressed against hers as he accepted her claim, his thumbs wiping away her tears as he smiled sweetly at her. They were silent for a long while, breathing heavily as their bodies calmed.
“I feel very strange right now,” he said quietly, making no move to leave her body, simply looking at her.
She nodded in agreement, overcome with emotion. He loved her and he belonged to her now. She could feel the claim working inside of her like a crack on a frozen lake, branching off in tiny little jagged lines across the surface until it finally snapped open, exposing everything she’d kept hidden for so long. Her tears wouldn’t stop falling and Spike wouldn’t stop wiping them away, wouldn’t stop kissing her. It was strange to feel him inside her, to feel his resolve crumbling, his love burning into her. It was beautiful, too. She wondered if he felt the same.
“I see you, Buffy.” He kissed her as his eyes started to sting. “I see you.” He kissed her again and Spike let himself cry, poured himself into her as their mouths devoured one another. If nothing else, he had this moment. She was right, this was worth it.
Giles would just have to wait a while longer.