Well, here’s my entry for the seven_seasons ficathon! I have a few chapters written already but this will be multiple chapters of (hopefully) comedic fun and lots of wacky sex and adventure! I will post the challenge requirements when it’s all finished. I hope you like it! And hey, a story without much angst at all! YAY! Season 3 Spike! Yay! Cordelia and Oz! Yay! Angel and Xander unsure of things! Giles obliviously vacationing so that antics might ensue even more than they normally would! Yay??
Big thanks go to Kristi for betaing this and to my sister Laura for her read through and story crit for the first two chapters. It’s nice to have a stickler like myself circle and frown at things, so thank you for encouraging me to do better than I thought I could. *hugs you both*
Though she couldn’t see him, she knew her words had rattled him. She loved that she held that kind of power over boys. Seriously, Mark was like, the biggest loser in Sunnydale. Someone had to tell him that he was a social leper and it was Stephanie’s job, no her duty, to tell him that.
“And don’t even think that because I let you feel me up last week that you can go telling all your loser friends about it because I’ll totally kick your ass,” Stephanie spoke into her phone, staring at her reflection in her bedroom mirror as she applied her lip gloss.
Holy cow, she had amazing tits, Stephanie realized as she stuck out her chest and turned to the side. It was so obvious that Cordelia was jealous of them, but at least Stephanie didn’t have to pay for them. God, everyone at school knew that Cordy got a nose job. Whatever, at least Stephanie wasn’t dating a loser like Xander Harris. But she should call Cordy later, because they were supposed to go shoe shopping the following day.
“So, are we done here?”
“Yeah,” Mark said sadly from the other line.
“Good, because I’m meeting up with Harmony and I don’t fecking have time for this.” She said “fucking” with such gusto, such Valley Girl flair, that it almost passed as another curse word entirely. Without waiting for his reply, she clicked her cell phone off and started brushing her long blonde hair.
As soon as she finished rubbing lotion on her bare arms, lotion that totally had sparkles in it because it was so sexy, her cell phone rang again. She clicked the talk button and rolled her eyes from the inconvenience of being popular.
“Hello? Oh my God, hey, Harmony! You will not believe who I just talked to,” she said as she grabbed her car keys and made her way downstairs. “Yeah, I know. God, he’s such a dork.” She walked into the garage and pressed the button on the wall to open the door. “He is so fecking stupid. Did you know that he told Stephen that I blew him? I know! Like I’d ever do that!” Clicking the remote on her keys to unlock her father’s brand new 1998 Lexus, she walked to the driver’s side. “Well, once, but that was with Jacob and it was a dare. Oh my God, is Lance going to the Bronze tonight?”
Remembering her father’s request from earlier that morning, she backed up a few steps and leaned over to lift a heavy black garbage bag that sat in a dark corner of the garage and hefted it into the trunk of the car. “Yeah, I’m picking you up, dumb ass. I’m in the car right now.” Once inside the car, she started it up and pressed the pedal to the metal, the tires squealing as she backed out of the garage and onto the residential street. “Wait, what are you wearing because we are not going to be matching again this time. No, I’m wearing the white sundress!”
Stephanie pulled onto the freeway, heading out of town. “I’ll be there in a minute. My stupid Dad wanted me to shred these documents, like I had time for that! So I’ll just dump them outside of city limits. Even if anyone found them, it’s not like it would matter. You can’t use someone’s credit card if you don’t even live in the same city. I know! I am so fecking smart.”
She turned up the radio when her favorite song came on and checked her makeup in the rearview mirror. “God, hold on, Harm,” she said abruptly, laying her phone in her lap while she dug in her purse for her lip gloss, steering the car with her knees. She unscrewed the wand while she steadied the steering wheel, and she then tucked her phone between her cheek and shoulder and touched up her makeup, unknowingly swerving into an oncoming car. She honked and screamed and quickly righted the car again. “God, I hate stupid old people! Look where you’re going, asshole! Sorry, Harm. Anyway, you were saying?”
The closer she got to the bordering city, the worse her reception was. “Harm, I’ll have to call you back in a little bit. I know, but there are like, a jillion trees out here. I’ll call you in five minutes. Don’t wear the white dress! Ok, bye.” She hung up the phone and sang along with the radio, clicking on her headlights when it grew darker outside. She finally reached the city limits and pulled the car over on the side of the road, a few feet away from the “Welcome to Sunnydale” sign.
Still singing the tune that was blaring from her open car door, she walked to the trunk and pulled out the garbage bag. “Your candle burned out long before…your legend ever will,” she trailed off on the last part, finding it too hard to reach Elton’s low notes but trying nonetheless.
She started dumping the bag’s contents behind a nearby bush when suddenly, a car coming from the opposite direction screeched to a halt as it crashed into the sign.
“God, drunk, much?” She rolled her eyes, ignoring the idling, beat-up car and continued dumping her father’s legal documents and bank statements. She turned around when she heard the driver stumble out of his seat and onto the pavement. An array of liquor bottles and trash billowed out behind him and he groaned, struggling to stand. Afraid that he might try to speak with her or need some help in any way, she hurriedly shook out the bag as fast as she could.
“Home sweet…home,” the man stammered, smiling a bit as he looked out at the city before him. Then he turned towards her, finally realizing he wasn’t alone. “Well, lookie, lookie, lookie,” he leered, licking his bottom lip as he gathered his strength to saunter over to her.
Stephanie started panting, frozen in her tracks as the man approached her. First of all, he was totally gross with the leather and bleached hair. But he was hot, even though he was drunk. And British! Hello, gorgeous! But also drunk, and kinda creepy. “Um, I was just leaving,” she said nervously, making her way to the driver’s side door for a fast escape. In seconds, he was in front of her, blocking her path. His whiskey-laced breath wafted over her and she shivered from his close proximity.
“I don’t think so,” he drawled, leaning his body against her car door which shut it completely. His raspy, clipped accent confused her when he said, “You see, I‘ve had a real bad time lately and you just ruined my entrance.”
“S-sorry,” her shoulders coiled upwards in fear, gasping when his arms banded around her waist. “What are you doing?”
“Why’d you do it, baby?” he said sadly and she blinked in uncertainty, her fear intensifying as he held her painfully tight. “I loved you, you know!”
“Please let go of me! My Dad will totally sue you! He’s a lawyer!”
He chuckled low and soft, his sparkling blue eyes locking with hers. Though she was scared out of her mind, his angelic features and the way he was chewing on his bottom lip was starting to hypnotize her. “Idle threats will get you everywhere,” he said seductively, pressing her against the car and pinning her in place, staring down at her frightened brown eyes.
He tilted his head in thought and said, “She used to threaten me, you know. Used to do all sorts of nasty things to me. And then she goes off and makes out with a Chaos demon!” he shouted suddenly, the grip on her waist tightening and Stephanie screamed at the top of her lungs for help.
Seemingly unaffected by the noise, he started ranting. “I was there! I saw it!” He was shouting at her violently, his eyes glassy from his inebriated state though they remained focused on her face as if she should know what had riled him in the first place. “And then she says she just wants to be friends. Friends! You wouldn’t do that, would you, pet?”
Stephanie frantically shook her head from side to side, agreeing with whatever he said in the hopes that he might let her go.
“’Course you wouldn’t,” he smiled. “You’re a good girl. Bet you taste like heaven,” he whispered, dragging the edges of his lips along the column of her throat.
“Wh-who are you?” she gasped, unable to stifle the moan that escaped her throat as he tasted her flesh with his soft lips.
“Spike,” he said. “Try screamin’ it.”
Before she could register the fact that his face was now incredibly scary looking and his eyes were like, glowing yellow, he sank his fangs into her neck and held her so tight that she couldn’t get away. The last thing she thought about before blackness fell, was that she couldn’t believe she was going to die a fecking virgin.
Spike yanked his fangs out of the girl’s throat and inhaled deeply, licking the blood from his lips and dropping her corpse unceremoniously on the ground. Then he scowled, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Stupid bints should lay off the perfume!” he shouted, scraping his tongue on the roof of his mouth and the edges of his now blunt teeth to get rid of the awful taste in his mouth. He stumbled back towards his car and pilfered through the scattered bottles that had fallen out to see if any of them still had remnants of liquid. Finding one with just a sip left, he unscrewed the lid and downed it, swishing it around his mouth before he swallowed. He then tossed it towards her Lexus and laughed as it shattered with a satisfying crash on the windshield.
The rush from his destruction didn’t last long and the vampire cursed beneath his breath, slumped down in his car once more and drove over the sign completely, making his way towards town. He either needed to kill something again or get even more intoxicated, but instead of doing either, he made his way to the old burned down factory where he and his dark princess used to live, happily torturing victims and being altogether perfect before she started shagging every Tom, Dick and Hairy Demon that crossed her path.
“You bitch!” he shouted, pounding his fist on the steering wheel. He cranked up his stereo to block out the pathetic sounds of his boo-hooing when he suddenly saw something – or rather, someone, two someones – walking down the street. With a sneer, he pulled into a nearby alley and parked the car. Maybe he should take care of his need for violence first.
“Why does Giles get to go on a retreat and I have to stay here and slay demons?” Buffy asked as she and Angel walked down the street towards the Bronze.
“I don’t know, Buffy. It sounds kinda…” he shook his hand a bit to indicate the boringness that was the Watcher’s retreat, Druidic rituals or no.
“I guess,” she sighed, shoving her hands in her coat pockets. “And thanks for coming with me tonight. It’s couples night so the guys are out bowling or something. Not that you and I should…I mean, I know we’re not…” she trailed off, not wanting to say that they weren’t dating but unable to stop herself from the hinting.
She was a senior now, which meant that college was the next thing on the horizon. Would it kill him to pretend to want her to stick around? She’d shown him all the pamphlets her mother picked out from colleges nowhere near L.A. All he’d said was, “I think you should go.” Sure, things were weird between them but if he gave her even a little hint as to what he wanted, maybe she’d stay. Except that she wasn’t going to, because she and Angel were just friends, she quickly reminded herself.
“It’s ok,” he smiled. “I could use a drink anyway.”
“Oh,” she nodded. “Right. Me, too. I could use a stiff Diet Coke right about now,” she mumbled to herself, pouting and irritated that things were so awkward between them. So lost in her own thoughts, she hadn’t realized that Angel had come to a stop. She turned around and saw him in game face, sniffing the air. “What is it?”
His head sharply jerked towards an alley and he said, “Family reunion.”
“What, you couldn’t stay away either?” Spike cackled drunkenly, leaning against a wall after he’d emerged from the darkened alley. “Thought Goldilocks over there sent you off all dramatic like with end of the world music playin’ and what not.”
“Spike,” Angel said through gritted teeth, his shoulders squaring as he took a step forward.
“Spike?” Buffy said in surprise, walking over to stand beside her former lover and folded her arms, staring down the vampire she thought long gone. “I thought you and your girlfriend made with the never coming back?”
His cocky demeanor melted and he looked away, sad at the mere mention of his eternal companion. “Yeah, well…things change, don’t they?”
Buffy reached for a stake and raised it in the air. “Seeing as I don’t really care…”
“Hold on, Slayer,” Spike said, backing up wisely. “Thought we made a truce!”
“Then I’ll kill you,” Angel said angrily and grabbed Spike by the shirt collar then slammed him against the wall, frowning when Spike started wailing, his blue eyes rimming with tears as he looked at something behind Angel.
Spike brushed past them and collapsed on the pavement and clutched a fire hydrant in the middle of the sidewalk. “Oh, fire hydrant,” he sobbed, “Dru broke that bint’s back on you last year, remember? An’ when she started cryin’, Dru took off her knickers and shagged me right in front of her before we ate her,” he wiped an errant, wistful tear away. “And now she’s gone!”
Buffy’s face twisted in disgust. “A real Kodak moment, I guess.”
“It was,” he smiled, falling onto his back and looking up at the stars. “I came twice before the girl even figured out what we were. It was beautiful.”
“What do you mean, Dru’s gone?” Angel asked, ignoring the gruesome story. He’d heard much worse, anyway.
“Shagged a Chaos demon. Left me,” he said pathetically. “Might as well kill me. Got nothin’ to live for.”
Buffy shrugged. “Ok.” She took a step forward and Angel stopped her.
“I’ll take him home with me.”
“What?” Both Buffy and Spike shouted in surprise at the same time.
“You’re obviously wasted,” Angel sighed. “I’ll clean you up, let you stay with me.” As much as he hated Spike, he knew how devastated he must have been having lost the only woman he’d ever loved. His sympathy only went so far, however. He’d clean him up, and then he’d kill him. It was no fun teaching Spike a lesson if he wasn’t sober, if he wasn’t up to snuff and able to feel every blow Angel was sure to deliver.
“The hell you will,” Spike snapped as he started to stand up. “It’s your fault she’s gone! Plantin’ little seeds in her head, makin’ her think Daddy’s the big bad, shaggin’ her right in front of me!”
“Spike,” Angel warned, daring a glance at Buffy who’d suddenly become very uncomfortable.
“Oooh,” Spike chuckled knowingly. “Slayer doesn’t like that last bit, does she?” He licked his lips and stood up straight, looking between the two of them who were unable to make eye contact with one another. Feeling bigger than usual, Spike rocked on his heels as his assessment of their situation managed to successfully put him at the advantage. “That’s right, Slayer. Your boy toy here was puttin’ it to Dru six ways from Sunday before you offed him.”
“Shut up, Spike!” Angel spat. “My hospitality won’t last with comments like that.”
“My hospitality, he says. Were you hospitable when I was in a sodding wheel chair, you tosser?”
“Ok!” Buffy shouted, holding her hands in the air and walking between them. “As much as I love standing on the sidelines of your verbal hockey game, can we get to the part where I put this stake in his heart?”
“Yeah, Angel,” Spike said defiantly, misunderstanding what she’d said. “Wait, no!” He put his hands in the air and backed up. “Truce! I call it!”
“That truce was over the minute you came back to my town,” she spat, raising her stake in the air again.
“You made a truce with him?” Angel asked, her words suddenly registering that she’d made a pact with Spike.
Sighing, she turned towards Angel. “Look, you were Angelus at the time and as much as I hate admitting it, I needed his help.”
“You trusted him?”
“Angel,” she said slowly, starting to get irritated that he was questioning her motives now, “You didn’t. Have. A soul. You were going to bring on the apocalypse!”
“I can’t believe Giles agreed to that. He should have known better than to let you make a stupid call like that.”
She growled in frustration, bringing both hands to rake through her hair which was an impressive sight, considering one of them still held a stake. “Can we please talk about this later? I’m trying to stake a vampire, here!” Her eyes grew wide when she realized said vampire was long gone. “Dammit!”
“Looks like he got away,” Angel said quietly, feeling pretty stupid that he hadn’t noticed Spike’s exit. “I’ll find him.”
As soon as he’d uttered those words, Spike’s black DeSoto peeled out of the alley and onto the street, barreling down the road and knocking over a few trash cans. His tail lights weaved from side to side as he drunkenly sped off and blinked away when he turned a corner.
Buffy crossed her arms and pursed her lips. “Great.”
Angel sighed as he looked at her. Without another word, he took off running down the street, ignoring her when she shouted his name. Buffy turned around and looked at the dance club a few yards away and pouted, then turned back towards her ex who was now half a mile down the street. Rolling her eyes, she took off after him.
If and when she caught up with Spike, he was going to pay for ruining her evening, however awkward it was starting out to be.