Chapter 11
Buffy sighed as she entered her way home from another horrendous night at the DMP. Huh, she realized that almost made out Dump, ironically. Her brief encounter with a vamp in the graveyard who’d ridiculed her odor had done nothing for her self esteem either. So finding Spike lurking under the big tree in her front yard for the first time since that weekend had been problematic.
She recognized why she gave into him, she was vulnerable and her dark knight knew how to make her feel better about herself. He hadn’t mentioned the letter to her, hadn’t pushed for a declaration at first, just given her that deep look and then proceeded to take her on the ground in a mixture of tenderness and roughness that pulled her feelings back and forth.
He had been gentle initially, softly touching her, sliding his hands beneath her voluminous coat and sweater to rub her nipples into hard little points that he twisted and turned as her breathing increased. But the sweet nothings from before were gone, his language was rude and degrading and a little exciting to that dark part of her as he quickly slipped her pants down just enough to slide himself home. She thought both of them must have been on edge, because it was over quickly and she was left feeling possibly lower than before they began. He had helped her to her feet, dusted her off, and finally asked the question.
“Did you read the letter?” He had given her one last long William look, face filled with expectancy to see if maybe she had somehow been persuaded by his prose and had just neglected to mention it before their hasty coupling. Buffy sighed and turned and marched into the house, refusing to answer. She couldn’t face the question.
Her week had gone down hill from there. The reappearance of Riley, so soon after her weekend with Spike, had given her the perfect point of comparison – nice, normal, GI Joe, complete with weapons versus creature of the night, who broke the rules and gave her crowns of flowers and sweet verse. So she’d flirted and giggled and tried to find the spark she thought maybe she’d had with him before he left. And then the wife had shown up and the comedy of errors had begun in earnest.
She’d made a fool of herself by running to Spike, but she need reassurance and he was her champion, right? He’d promised to be her willing slave and she needed to believe in his love more than ever at that moment. And it had worked for a little while. She knew he’d been angry when she’d left him outside her house, but he welcomed her with open arms and reassured her of his love. Their coupling had been much like that weekend, slow and reassuring and she had fallen asleep beside him, tired, but more secure.
Until her ex caught with her current and the house of cards came down. Somewhere in the midst of the male posturing and threats and exploding demony things, Buffy had taken in Spike’s words and tears as he’d screamed at her, “That’s bloody funny, coming from you? No games? That’s all you’ve ever done is play me, and keep playing with rules you make up as you like You know what I am — you’ve always known and you come to me all the same “
And that’s when it had hit her. For all her rationalizations, she had done the unforgivable again. She had thought that her little game might give them both something, but she knew now that it was only killing them both. She had begged Tara to not forgive her, and she knew she couldn’t forgive herself if she didn’t stop this now.
She’d been horrified when she’d returned to see the state of the crypt that had been the scene of their beautiful tryst so recently. It had only strengthened her resolve as she admitted to being weak and selfish and tried to make him understand that this was for the best, but that frail look, the opposite of that joyous expression she’d seen before, had made her try to soften the blow. “I’m sorry, William.”
And then she’d left.
Spike just stared after her for what seemed like an eternity and then collapsed to the floor of the crypt weeping. What had he done wrong? How could he fix it? He wasn’t sure, but he knew, he knew that deep inside she could love him. He’d seen it and he knew it was there, just locked back so tight by the appearance of Soldier Boy and the judgmental fears of her friends that it couldn’t come out. But it was there and he would find a way.