Chapter 15
“Maybe nothingness is to be without your presence,/without you moving, slicing the noon/like a blue flower, without you walking/later through the fog and the cobbles,/without the light you carry in your hand,/golden, which maybe others will not see,/which maybe no one knew was growing/like the red beginnings of a rose./In short, without your presence: without your coming/suddenly, incitingly, to know my life,/gust of a rosebush, wheat of wind:/since then I am because you are,/since then you are, I am, we are,/and through love I will be, you will be, we’ll be.” ~Pablo Neruda, “Sonnet LXIX”
Buffy woke slowly, feeling a jolt of panic when she realized that Spike was no longer beside her.
She’d stayed awake until the sun rose, wanting to be sure that the soldiers didn’t know where Spike was living. At that point, unable to keep her eyes open any longer, Buffy had shoved a chair under the doorknob, figuring that if anyone did try to break in, that would give them a little warning.
When she looked, the chair had been moved back to sit in front of the small, antique desk. Buffy rose and walked out to the kitchen. Spike stood at the sink, looking out the window to the miniscule backyard. It was late afternoon, and the sun was on the other side of the house, keeping him safe from its rays.
“How are you feeling?”
He turned to face her. “Better.”
Buffy could see that he was at least calmer, but there was still a light in his eyes that worried her. “What are you thinking?”
“Just thinking.”
She took a deep breath. “Spike, please don’t shut me out.”
“I’m not shutting you out,” he replied. “This is—what do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know, Spike.” Buffy stepped closer, resting a hand on his arm. “Maybe just what’s going through your head right now.”
“I swore to myself that I was never going to be in that position again.” Spike’s eyes blazed. “They’re in my town, Buffy, dealing with forces they don’t understand.”
Buffy sat at the table, waiting for him to join her before she spoke. “What do you want to do?”
“I’m going after the gem.”
“Okay.” Buffy knew exactly what he was saying, and she couldn’t argue with him. The Gem of Amara, if it worked as it was supposed to, would keep him that much safer. “What about all the reasons you used to have for not going after it?”
“I’m going after the gem,” Spike repeated, hurt creeping into his voice. “Buffy—”
“Did I say you shouldn’t?” she demanded. “I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t go after it, Spike. I want you safe, and if it makes you safe, then I’m all for it. The last time we talked about this, though, you had some darn good reasons for not looking for it.”
“I think the benefits outweigh the potential problems,” Spike said. “They won’t take me again, Buffy. Next time, it’s them or me.”
“Then it had better be them,” she said fiercely. “Because I am not losing you.”
Spike stood. “You’re not going to lose me.”
“Promise me, Spike,” she insisted. “I want you alive and in one piece, and I want you to swear that you’re not going to go on a suicide mission, or get yourself dusted. If the worst happens, I will get you out. I will be there for you, but you need to stay alive for me.”
“Luv,” Spike began.
Buffy cut him off. “Because I swear to you, if you get yourself dusted, I will find a way to resurrect you, and then I will kick your ass.”
Something in his eyes settled then, and the last of the madness seemed to leave his gaze. “I promise.”
“Good.” Buffy gave him a stern look. “Shirt up, mister. I want to make sure you’re healing.”
Spike knew that there was no way he was going to be able to argue with her, not when Buffy used that tone of voice. He raised his t-shirt, knowing from the expression on her face that it still looked bad. Not that Spike thought it had looked much better himself, but seeing the concern mixed with anger on the Slayer’s face only reinforced it.
She ran a hand along his side, her touch tender. “So what do you want to do today?”
“Dunno, other than getting my keys back from Wes,” Spike replied. “You have any ideas?”
“I thought maybe I’d call Giles later, see what he’s got,” Buffy replied. She straightened. “I think I’ll move in with you for the time being, though.”
Spike shook his head. “That’s not necessary.”
“I think it is,” she insisted. “I don’t want you going out on your own, Spike. I think I should be with you, or Wesley. An extra pair of eyes will keep you safer.”
“No,” he shot back. “I’m not going to become a prisoner in my own house because of these bastards.”
Buffy raised an eyebrow. “Okay, fine. Let’s pretend for a minute that our positions were reversed.” She paused to let that idea sink in. “What would you be saying to me right now?”
Spike scratched the back of head, his expression sheepish. “The same thing.”
“That’s what I thought,” she said. “So?”
“I’ll do it,” he grumbled. “That doesn’t mean I have to like it, though.”
She gave him a sweet smile. “Just think of how much quality time we’ll get to spend together.”
~~~~~
The bookstore was beginning to take shape. Most of the shelves were put together, and Xander was working on the last few. Wesley had started out by helping Xander, but after the second time he’d hit his thumb with the hammer, Joyce had suggested that he try something else.
That was why Wesley found himself helping Willow finish the last of the cleaning before beginning to shelve the books. “So what made you decide on a bookstore, Giles?” Willow asked. “Other than liking books, I mean.”
“I wanted to do something,” Giles stated. “I thought owning a shop might be interesting.”
“You got bored,” Joyce added, sounding amused.
“That too,” he admitted.
Willow grinned. “I like it. I think it’ll be a really cool place.”
Giles murmured a thank you, although it was clear from the expression on his face that he wasn’t really going for “cool.”
Wesley smiled, then patted his pockets as his cell phone began to ring. “Hello?”
“Wes, it’s me.”
Wesley turned away from the others, retreating to a corner of the room to talk with Spike. “How are you?”
“Better than I was,” the vampire replied. “You still have my car?”
“Do you need it?”
“Not right this minute,” Spike replied. “If you bring it after the sun’s down, that’ll be soon enough.”
“I’m at Giles’ shop,” Wesley replied. “I can bring it by now, if you like.”
“Forget it,” Spike replied. “Buffy and I will head over there as soon as it’s dark.”
“Are you sure?” Wesley asked. “I could give you a ride.”
Spike snorted. “Don’t coddle me. I’m getting enough of that from Buffy.”
“Can you blame her?”
“No,” Spike replied. “That’s not the point. We’ll be there in a bit.” He paused. “Everyone else there, too?”
“I promise we won’t hover,” Wesley said.
“Ta, mate.” Spike hung up, and Wesley looked at the rest of the group, all of whom were watching him with varying expressions of concern.
“How is he?” Giles asked quietly.
Wesley shrugged, pocketing his cell phone. “As well as might be expected. You all heard what I said?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to hover,” Xander said. “I mean, I’m happy that Spike’s okay, but I wasn’t going to do anything unmanly.”
“Heaven forbid,” Joyce observed with a smile. “We won’t embarrass him.”
They went back to work, and Willow sidled up next to Wesley. “When do you think we should talk to Giles? And should we say anything to Spike? Not about what happened, but about helping. Maybe he’d like to know that we want to help.”
“Why don’t we wait on that?” he suggested. “We’ll talk to Giles as soon as we can get him alone, but there’s no sense in telling Spike anything until we have something solid. “
Willow nodded. “Right. Something solid.” She gave him a look. “Are we going to get something solid?”
“I have no bloody clue.”
~~~~~
They walked into a wall of silence, and Spike had to hide a wince. He hated that they might think less of him after this. That what the soldiers had done would change their perception. That they would see him as a monster, when they never really had before.
“Spike.” Joyce was the first to greet him with a gentle hug. Somehow she made it seem as though she always hugged him when she saw him. Her whispered words gave him a warm feeling. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
After that, it was easier. Willow flashed him a smile, Xander raised a hand in greeting, and Giles gave him a warm smile. “I’m glad you could make it, Spike. We still have plenty to do.”
Spike didn’t see the look that Buffy exchanged with her mother, or Joyce’s nod. “Why don’t you help me, Spike? I know you have a steady hand.”
Spike raised an eyebrow when he saw the sign over the front counter Joyce was painting. “Yeah, sure,” he said, knowing that she was giving him a less strenuous job.
After a few minutes, conversation started up again. Xander talked about his latest date with Anya, and Spike could see Willow rolling her eyes. Buffy asked Willow what she’d missed, and Willow told her what Riley had said.
“Would the teacher really kick you out just for missing one class?” Joyce asked. “That seems a little harsh.”
“Harsh is one word for Professor Walsh,” Buffy commented. “She’s not the most understanding person.”
Willow winced, remembering what the professor had said when she’d asked about Oz. “Really not.”
The conversation ebbed and flowed, and Spike let it wash over him. The sense of camaraderie was very real, and he was reminded that he was more than what the soldiers believed him to be.
He wasn’t a monster; Spike had fought to make himself more.
“Your keys,” Wesley said, handing them over during a break. The others were arguing over what they wanted for dinner. “One of these days, I’m going to steal your car.”
Spike smirked. “I’d hunt you down.”
“Which is why I haven’t done it yet,” Wesley replied. He looked apologetic. “Don’t be angry, but would you like me to stay with you tonight?”
Spike glared at him. “Buffy already told me she’s moving in for the time being. Bloody hell. Get caught off guard once and you never live it down.”
“Would you let me live it down?” Wesley inquired.
“Not on your life.” Spike met his eyes. “Appreciate you coming, Wes. Buffy said you were the one who called in the troops.”
Wesley shrugged, not knowing what to say in reply to that.
“What do you boys want to eat?” Joyce called over to them.
They exchanged identical looks, amused that she would call them boys. “Whatever,” Spike said. “I’ll eat anything.”
“What have we got?” Wesley asked, walking over to look at the take-out menu.
Spike watched, a sense of melancholy stealing over him. He was caught in between worlds, with one foot in darkness and one in light. He knew that this could change everything. If he wasn’t careful, he could let the darkness take him.
He wasn’t going to let it.
~~~~~
“Hey, Anya?” Xander called.
She was flipping channels on his television set as he got ready for work. He had an interview with a construction company that was interested in hiring laborers in a couple of days, and he was hoping it worked out. Xander needed to make more money if he ever wanted to get out of his parents’ basement.
He’d been thinking, though. Giles had told him about what had happened to Spike, and Willow had filled in the rest of the missing details later. If they had known that Spike wasn’t feeding off of people, then it was possible that they could find out that Anya had been a demon.
And if they found out that she had been a demon, would they care that she was human now?
“What Xander?” Anya said.
“Maybe you should stay away from the campus,” he suggested.
She frowned. “I never go on campus unless I’m with you. You don’t go on campus. Are you planning on going there?”
“No, I’m not going there, but I think it might be better if you avoided the campus.” Xander hesitated. He didn’t want to scare her, but he did want her to take his warning seriously. “There have been some shady characters around there, and some of them got to Spike. I just want to be sure you’re safe, that’s all.”
“Are you worried about me?” Anya asked.
Xander shrugged. “No,” he replied, not knowing what Anya wanted to hear. Then he stopped and decided on telling her the truth. “A little. I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”
She rewarded him with a luminous smile. “So you really aren’t just interested in sex?”
“What?” Xander asked, a sinking feeling in his stomach. He really didn’t like where this conversation was going. This was how it started. Girls asked questions like this, and no matter how you answered, you found yourself in the doghouse. “Of course not.”
Anya shut the TV off. “Because we don’t talk,” she pointed out. “All we do is have sex.”
“I thought that’s what you wanted to do,” Xander replied. “You were the one who said we should interlock.”
“And I thought we were going to have a relationship,” Anya replied. “That’s what you asking me to the party was about. I wore a bunny costume for you.”
Xander almost laughed, and then he stopped himself, knowing that Anya probably wouldn’t appreciate it. “Why a bunny costume?” he asked.
Anya frowned. “What?”
“I’ve been wondering,” Xander stated. “Why a bunny costume?”
“Bunnies are scary,” Anya replied, in a tone of voice that said Xander should have known better than to ask. “Haven’t you seen them?”
Xander thought about making a snide comment. In fact, he thought about making a dozen snide comments, but in the end all he said was, “Maybe you could tell me why you don’t like bunnies sometime when I’m not late for work.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “We could talk about it.”
“Could we talk about something else?” she asked.
Xander grinned. “Yeah. Whatever you want.”
~~~~~
Giles handed Wesley a cup of tea. Willow already had hers, and she was stirring a spoonful of sugar in, her nerves obvious. “What did the two of you want to talk about?” he asked. “I assume it has something to do with Spike.”
“I’ll let Willow explain, as it was her idea,” Wesley stated.
Willow glanced at him and then set her cup down. “We—I thought maybe we could do something to help Spike. To make it harder for the soldiers to find him.”
“As we’re not sure how they did find him in the first place, I don’t know what that would be,” Giles replied gently. “It’s a good idea, Willow, I just don’t see what we might do.”
“What if we made him appear human?” Willow asked. “If Spike did manage to get this Gem of Amara, and it works like it’s supposed to, there won’t be any way to tell he’s a vampire unless you’re checking body temperature or pulse.”
“Body temperature would be the easiest way to tell if someone’s a vampire,” Wesley observed. “If we’re speaking about technology. Perhaps if there was an illusion that would raise his body temperature, at least to the casual observer.”
“You’re talking about a sustained illusion.” Giles shook his head. “Those are notoriously difficult. They require tremendous energy to keep them going, and they tend to break down over time.”
Willow shook her head. “But they won’t be looking for vampires during the day. The only time Spike would need the spell would be after dark.”
“We need to know who these people are.” Wesley put down his cup. “Until we know that, it’s going to be impossible to make plans.”
Giles nodded. “You’re right, I think. It’s imperative that we discover as much as possible about them and their objectives here in Sunnydale. It is possible that Spike’s capture was a mistake. They may have believed him to be under someone’s control, which would explain why they were so anxious to discover the reason he wasn’t feeding from humans.”
“That only leads to the conclusion that they have the same desires, Giles.” Wesley stood.
Willow’s eyes got big as she realized what Giles and Wesley were suggesting. “Demons as weapons?” she said, her voice rising. She lowered her voice again hastily as she realized that Joyce was upstairs, probably trying to sleep. “Isn’t that a little scary?”
“We don’t know that,” Giles said firmly. “Now is not the time to be jumping to conclusions. We need more information. I think it’s best for the time being if Spike keeps his head down. Buffy’s already talked to me about that. You’re helping him locate the gem?”
“I am,” Wesley replied. “What are you going to do?”
“I have some friends,” Giles replied. “Mining information from these particular channels is time-consuming, however. I don’t know when I’ll have more information. Meanwhile, I think the gem and perhaps some sort of illusion is what we ought to focus on.”
Willow took a deep breath. “Where should I start with the illusion?”
“I have a few books that might prove useful.” Giles gave her a stern look. “Be careful, Willow. I want you to come to me or Wesley before attempting anything.”
Willow nodded. “I will.”
“Good,” Giles said, rising. “Be careful going home.”
“Do you want a ride back to campus?” Wesley asked once they were outside. His car, ancient and half-rust, sat in the driveway.
Willow gave the vehicle a skeptical look. “Are you sure it’s safe?”
“Safe enough,” Wesley said, sighing. “I really do need to get a new form of transportation. There just hasn’t been time.”
Willow smiled sympathetically. “Somehow I don’t think there’s going to be a lot of time from here on out.”
It turned out that she was right.