Chapter 15
Chapter Notes: What I like most about me is what a big fat liar I am. If you recall…in the chapter 1 a/n’s I stated something like: “This will be a slightly lighter fare than I usually write. Not a whole lot of angst but there will be pain.”
So, I’m guessing I have a radar for drama because here’s the big one. Much thanks to my betas who trudged through it with sniffles and tears. You guys rock!
They’d walked in silence for a while through the gardens. William cast random glances at Buffy to see if her demeanor had changed since they left the house. She’d been eerily quiet, her eyes downcast as they strolled along and all William could think about was the fact that she was about to tell him something terrible. He may have only known her for a short time, but he’d learned enough about her expressions and body language to pick up on the fact that she was troubled, that whatever that man had said to her was something he wouldn’t like. The suspense was killing him. He grabbed her by the elbow and led her down a dirt path, quickly walking towards a creek that ran alongside his estate. He often sat there when he wanted to be alone and it was covered well by trees: should any of his servants venture outside, they wouldn’t be seen.
He waited for her to sit down on a stone bench near the stream, and he folded his hands behind his back and said, “Out with it.”
She looked up at him, relishing the vision of him in the daylight, the sun dappling through the heavy canopy of tree branches and spotting his figure with sunlight and shadows, a perfect tableau that described him beautifully. Her chin quivered as she inhaled deeply to calm her nerves and William’s stern expression softened. He knelt in front of her on one knee and took her hands in his. “Please, tell me.”
“Nothing I’m about to say will sound even remotely believable.”
“Try.”
“I love you. No matter what, know that.”
His eyes were trained on their hands, sweeping his thumbs over her fingers. “You’re leaving.”
She nodded softly. “Tonight.” She felt his grip on her hands tighten.
“Why? Why can’t you stay? What did that man say? Is he your husband?”
She couldn’t restrain the small laugh that escaped her lips. “God, no. I’m not married, not even engaged. He’s my watcher.”
He sighed in relief that she wasn’t attached. “Your watcher?”
“I guess I should start at the beginning.”
“So you remember.” William was suddenly angry and stood up abruptly. “Have you always remembered your past? Have you lied to me?”
“No,” she panicked, shaking her head, “I swear. I only remembered everything last night when we made love.”
“And why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I knew he would come sooner or later and I didn’t want it to end.”
William ran his hands through his hair and turned his back to her, staring at the creek. “That’s why you said that. That’s why you were so upset.”
“Yes.”
“Who is he to you? Why are you leaving?”
“Please sit down, William. This is going to take a while.” After a few moments of deliberation, William finally obliged her and sat down, trying his best to listen to the strange tale she told him, his eyes shifting in disbelief the more she revealed to him.
“Let me get this straight,” he said with narrowed eyes and stood up again. “You expect me to believe that first of all, demons and vampires do in fact, exist. Second of all, that you’re the chosen one from the future, hand picked by the powers that be to keep the world safe and that you’ve somehow managed to travel back in time, for the sole purpose of collecting an urn that will be used in an apocalypse?”
She shrugged her shoulders and bit her lip. “I know it sounds crazy but—”
“Crazy? You have no idea what that sounds like! What sort of fool do you take me for?” William’s first thought was that she’d made all of this nonsense up to cover up the truth about her past, as if he wouldn’t understand or hear her out. He loved her, he didn’t care where she came from. But to make up something this ridiculous was, well, it was ridiculous!
“I don’t think you’re a fool, I’m telling you the truth!”
One look at her told him she believed everything she’d said. With a very exhausted sigh, he came to a grim realization. “So, you’re insane.” His hands flailed about as he started pacing. “I can live with that, I suppose. We’ll just, ah…try not to talk of such matters in the future. Is Giles your doctor from Bedlam? I’m sure we can arrange for you to stay with us.”
“William,” she said slowly and with a twinge of irritation, “I’m not crazy. And I haven’t even told you the whole story.”
“Oh, God, there’s more? Elizabeth,” he said sadly, kneeling before her again. “I know I promised you that we’d get through this, no matter what. But you cannot speak of these things. It’s lunacy! You must know that.”
“Didn’t you think it strange that after I’d almost bled to death that the very next day I was completely healed?”
“Well…”
“And wasn’t it a bit off to you that I was able to lift that gigantor trunk with one hand, while injured?”
“That was, yes…I suppose that was a bit unusual but—”
“William. How much would you think a woman my size would be able to lift without breaking a sweat?”
“I see your point, but I don’t see how this proves anything.”
She stood up and groaned. So, he needed proof? She’d give him proof. Hiking up the sleeves of her dress, she crouched down and hooked her arms under the stone bench and lifted, effortlessly pulling it from the ground and hoisted it high up over her head. Standing before him with the bench in the air as if it weighed nothing she said, “Is this proof enough?”
When William gawked at her, blinking rapidly in shock and awe from his position on the ground, she grunted in frustration and threw it over the creek, which was a good forty feet. It crashed against a tree, almost knocking it over from the force. Birds frantically flew out of the tree to find a safer home and leaves and twigs rained down onto the pile of rubble that once was a perfectly fine place to sit and watch the water bubbling down the stream.
“Good Lord!” he shouted as he jumped to his feet, backing away from her with his hands on his forehead. “How did you…good Lord!”
“I’m the slayer, William. I have enhanced strength, speed, I heal faster than any human, not to mention my fighting abilities, my weapons knowledge, and—”
“Last night!” he shouted excitedly. “At the party! You and the darts! I’d never seen anything so magnificent in my life!”
“I could have done it blindfolded,” she said casually. “Do you believe me now?”
His mouth still flapping in shock, eyes glistening in awe he said, “I can’t deny that you’re exceptionally strong. And perhaps you are this…slayer that you claim to be. But demons? Vampires? The apocalypse?”
“I know it’s kinda weird, but you have to believe me. I can’t go back without you knowing everything. I made a promise to someone that I’d tell you and I won’t break it.”
Buffy had turned away from him, wishing she hadn’t thrown that bench because she really would have liked to sit down at that point.
“I don’t know what to make of this but,” his voice was soft and he’d come behind her, placing his hands on her arms in a comforting gesture, “you believe it.” He swept her hair aside to kiss the back of her neck. “And now you’re leaving me. I just don’t understand this, Elizabeth.”
“I have to go back. I’ve already screwed everything up by meeting you, by letting you fall in love with me. I didn’t know who I was when you found me.” She turned in his arms to face him and stroked his chest softly, staring at her hands as she did so. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“So don’t,” he said firmly, lifting her chin to face him. “Don’t leave. I don’t even know why you have to. Can’t I convince Mr. Giles that we’ll keep your secret safe?”
“I wish we could, William. But it’s for you that I’m leaving.”
“For me?” he snorted and looked away.
“Listen to me. And listen carefully because I don’t know if I’ll be able to repeat this. You and I know each other in the future. Over a hundred years in the future. Before you interrupt,” she raised her hand to silence him when he opened his mouth to question the insanity of what she’d just told him, “let me finish. In two years, you’ll be sired by a vampire named Drusilla. I won’t even be born for another century or so. When we meet, it’s because you want to kill me and somehow, we end up allies. And then lovers. And you saved the world, William. If I stay here, the world as we know it will be gone. Your life has to continue along the path it was intended to or else none of that will happen. The years we spent together will never exist, everything you’d sacrificed will be for nothing.”
“Your dreams,” he said softly, “about me as a vampire. That was real?”
“Yes, that was real,” she smiled warmly. “And you saved the world, William. You did.”
“I died,” he said gravely, a part of him starting to accept whatever she’d told him. She didn’t speak like a crazy person and he surely wouldn’t have fallen in love with a crazy person. Perhaps she was telling the truth. He wanted so badly to believe her for the way she was looking at him then, for this grandiose story she’d told him about what he would become, what he would one day mean to her. He wanted that to be true. He wanted to be that for her.
“Yes,” she said with teary eyes. “You died. I saw your soul that day, William. It was beautiful. And I told you I loved you for the first time and you didn’t believe me. I’ve been so lost without you,” she sniffled, wrapping her arms around his waist and sighing when he stroked her back. “When Giles told me about this mission, I knew I’d try and find you but I didn’t intend for this to happen. I just wanted to see you again. It’s funny that even without my memory and with you having never met me before, we still fell in love with each other. Spike may not have believed me, but you do, don’t you?”
“Yes,” he said with a strained voice, holding her tight. “I believe you.” He cupped her cheeks and pulled her into a sweet kiss, fighting off the awful feeling inside him, that he’d never have this again. At least not for several decades. “Did I love you?”
She nodded and let out a tiny laugh. “That is what we call an understatement. You loved me so much that it scared me. I was a coward when it came to you, but all that time, I loved you. I did. I couldn’t ever say it though. Things weren’t always sweet and romantic between us,” she said with a crooked smile.
“So, this…what we have now is the only time I’ll ever really know how you feel about me.”
Buffy couldn’t hold back any longer and she wept, hard and sorrowful, uncaring that she was soaking his vest with her tears. He was absolutely right. It would be the only time he’d really know and she’d soon be taking that knowledge away from him, forever. “I’m so sorry, William.”
“You came back for me,” he whispered, speaking to the ether as if he couldn’t believe someone would ever attempt something such as this. “I’ll always remember that.”
This was what she’d been dreading. Telling him what she and Giles would do that evening was the last thing she wanted to say to him, but she promised Spike that she’d tell him everything. She wouldn’t hide, wouldn’t keep anything from him.
“Buffy, no one’s ever cared about me like you have. Don’t you know what you mean to me?”
“I do now but that doesn’t matter. I want you to know what you mean to me! I’ve always known the kind of man you are, what you’d be willing to sacrifice for me. You deserve to know what I’d do for you. How much I love you.”
“And now I do,” he said sweetly, wiping her tears away before he kissed her again. “But, isn’t telling me my future a bad idea?”
She clenched her jaw and stepped away from him. “You won’t remember any of this.”
“Yes, I will! How could I…” he’d grabbed her when she started to back away further, needing that contact with her. “How could I ever forget you? I won’t forget. I won’t!”
“Yes, you will because we’re making you forget, dammit!” she shouted, unable to contain her frustration or her sadness any longer. She angrily wiped at her eyes and looked away from his pained face, his eyes that were now rimming with tears. “We’re performing a spell that will erase your memories of me. Tomorrow morning you’ll wake up and never remember any of this. You’ll go about your day as if I never existed.”
William’s body slumped as he exhaled, his mouth dropping open in incredulity. “Unbelievable.” He braced himself against a tree when his body grew weak, staring at the ground when he felt the stinging, prickling feeling in his eyes. “So much has changed, I…I’ve changed!” He looked up at her then, angry tears finally coming forth as he started shouting at her. “You came into my life and completely turned my world upside down. Look at what I’m wearing!” He pointed to his finely tailored suit that was a far cry from the dumpy, oversized suits he was accustomed to wearing before she came into the picture. “I like who I am now. I was nothing before you, Elizabeth! Nothing! I gave you my…we made love! Don’t you know what that means to me? You were my first everything, my first kiss! And you’re taking all of that away! Not to mention the fact that you’re leaving me!”
“I’m sorry,” she pleaded, unable to stop her tears, her guilt. “I didn’t know, William…I didn’t know anything when you found me!”
He laughed humorlessly and pursed his lips as his frustration intensified. “Why would you tell me this? Why not make up some lie and then erase everything if I’d never know? Why torture me with this knowledge? Sorry, William, it’s been a splendid time and all but unfortunately we’re going to take away the happiest two weeks of your life so you can go back to being the sniveling prat you’ve always been. Thanks for the memories!”
He cursed beneath his breath and clenched his jaw when he realized he’d made her cry harder.
“I don’t want to do this! Do you think any part of this is easy for me? I have to go back to a time where you don’t exist any more. To a time where you’re dead!”
He closed his eyes and stepped away from her. “This is too much for me, Elizabeth. I need to,” he started fidgeting, unable to look her in the eye, “I need to be alone for a while.”
Buffy rubbed her arms and lowered her head. “I won’t be here much longer.”
“I know. I-I just need to be alone for a while. I’m sorry,” he said quietly and turned on his heel and quickly walked away, leaving her to slump down against a tree in despair.
She’d been in her room for over an hour, packing up her things and making sure she didn’t leave anything behind. Her emotions got the better of her when she found a sheet of paper with three sentences hand written on it.
I don’t remember.
I don’t remember anything before today.
Why are you sorry?
How different William had been that first day. He’d merely held her hand to bring her comfort, sympathizing with her dilemma only to reprimand himself for daring to touch her. It would take days for him to chase her in the gardens and tackle her with the sweetest kiss she’d ever known, a few days more to give his body over to her.
She folded the page and tucked it into her trunk along with the pages she’d written on when she tried to figure out her dreams. She’d keep whatever she could, as painful as the memories were, they were a reminder of what she’d finally had with Spike, as misconstrued and twisted as the situation may have been, it was what she’d wanted all along: to be loved and to love him so fully, without care, without thinking of what her friends would think. William may hate her now, he may not want to see her before she left, but they’d had something that she would never forget. She’d hold the torch for them both and never let go of it.
She alerted the maids to leave her alone for the rest of the day, not wanting to explain anything further. Anne hadn’t come to see her, a fact which she thought odd but she wasn’t going to question her luck in that arena. Having to explain to his mother what she’d done, what she was going to do, was the absolute last thing she needed to deal with.
She sat on her bed and stared at the clock in her room, wishing she could just get it over with. It was only two o’clock, which gave her seven hours to wait for Giles to arrive, seven hours to stew by herself, seven hours to wish and pray that William would come to see her. She didn’t have to wait long before she got her wish.
“Buffy?” she heard him from the other side of the door. “May I come in, please?”
“Yes,” she said quietly, nervous at what he would say to her.
He opened and shut the door behind him silently once he’d entered, his head hanging low as he stood still, deciding what he was going to say. He brought his hand to his chin and rubbed it, taking a heavy step towards her. “I’ve been thinking.”
She swallowed, unconsciously playing with a lock of her hair as she waited anxiously for him to continue.
“And something occurred to me.” He suddenly looked up at her and said, “If this is our last day together, then I think we should mock the sodding Gods for taking you away from me by being naked for the next few hours.”
She smiled beatifically at him and laughed, feeling tears bubbling up in her throat when she ran to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him fiercely. His strong arms immediately banded about her waist and he buried his face in her throat as he murmured, “I love you, Buffy. I acted like an idiot.”
“No, you didn’t,” she said as he started working on the buttons of her gown. “You have every right to be angry with me.”
He helped her out of her dress and she pushed his coat off, smiling when he kissed her neck. “How could I be angry with you? You’ve given me something precious and even if I won’t remember it tomorrow, I’ll treasure it today.” The expression on his face was so sincere, so soft; as soft as the sweet caress of his hands trailing down the sides of her face.
“Damn you,” she said wiping her eyes when she started crying again. “Damn you for being so wonderful. It makes this harder,” she pouted, her chin trembling as she looked up at his sad yet smiling eyes.
“I just came to realize,” he paused as she fumbled with his vest, letting her slide it down his arms, “that while I may not remember all of this, you will. I don’t want our last moments together to be painful for you. Let me give you this.”
She nodded sweetly, unable to stop the embarrassing hiccups and sniffles from her tears, even as he untied her corset and planted kisses along her skin.
“What about your mother?”
“I told her everything. She won’t disturb us. She’s in too much of a state of shock to do anything but stare out the window at the moment.” Then she was naked and William stared in wonder, his cheeks turning crimson as he looked at her for the first time. “You are…” he shook his head and swallowed, “there are no words to describe how beautiful you are.”
Swooning, she shyly unbuttoned his shirt, almost giggling at the glassy expression in his eyes as they raked over her body. So enamored with her, he hadn’t even realized that she’d been tugging on his pants until he almost fell over when she shoved them down his legs.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, lifting his feet out of his trousers one leg at a time and bashfully covering his privates once he was completely naked. He cleared his throat and raised his eyebrows, looking behind her at the comfort of the bed that had lots of sheets and blankets and things to cover his innocent body.
Buffy leaned forward and kissed his throat, his collarbone, his solar plexus, and then his chin before she captured his lips with hers. He moaned softly, tilting his head to deepen the kiss, unaware that her hands were sliding down his arms, down to his hands to bring them to his sides to keep him from hiding. “You’re beautiful, too,” she whispered, smiling up at him when she held his hands in hers, opening their arms wide so she could look at him.
His right knee shook a bit as he bore her scrutiny, turning his head away from her. “I’m not.”
“Yes, you are,” she said as she slid one hand down his chest, his abdomen, and finally to his cock which was already erect, bouncing slightly as she neared it. His head rolled forward and he let out a susurrus of pleasure as she encircled him with her hand. “There isn’t one inch of you that I don’t love.”
He stepped forward and kissed her, gasping into her mouth when she started dragging her hand up and down his length, tenderly, caressing his soft skin without hurry. The feel of her nipples against his chest was exhilarating, never having an opportunity before to experience their nudity in this way. And he wouldn’t again, a thought that he quickly tried to quash, burying it so that they could enjoy one another.
But she knew it, too. She felt the same way and as much as they wanted to make their last moments perfect, that underlying sadness was too great to ignore completely. He gathered her in his arms and lifted her up, kissing her adoringly as he lay her down on the bed and crawled beside her. She noticed he didn’t make any move to get under the covers and she smiled at him, encouraging him with her eyes to do whatever he wished. It wasn’t long before he was kissing her passionately, cupping her breast with one hand and sliding between her legs with the other.
They spent hours lying in bed, making love over and over, silently exploring one another until they were too spent to try again as the bright rays of the sun dwindled and left them in darkness. After the first time, William finally found a rhythm that he liked, grew a bit more confident with her, tried different things when he knew she wouldn’t laugh at him for it and as it turned out, she enjoyed just about everything he did try.
Not an inch of her went unexplored and there was nary an inch of him that hadn’t been licked, kissed, or nuzzled in some wonderful way. If this was to be their last moment together, they would make one hell of a farewell out of it. As tired and as depleted as they were, they weren’t ready to let go yet; which was why William flipped Buffy over onto her back and lowered his mouth to her abdomen, kissing his way down to the cleft of her sex for one last taste. She stretched her body with a sigh of tranquility, beaming when he peppered kisses between her legs, teasing her body into wanting more, even though the thought of another round left her mind reeling, she’d soak it up as much as she could.
“I’ll be right back,” he said from the foot of the bed and walked over to the hearth and threw a few logs in to start a fire. She giggled at him when a log cracked and whizzed, shooting out a few flaming embers and he yelped, jumping backwards to protect his precious manhood from suffering any damage. “This is why we have maids to do this sort of thing,” he laughed as he walked back to the bed and crawled over her, happy that the fire gave them enough light to see what he planned on doing to her.
“Yes, but they aren’t as cute as you when they’re naked.”
He gasped playfully, “Have you seen Evelyn naked?”
“No,” she laughed. “Have you?”
He rolled his eyes and lowered his head to her nipples to nip at them playfully. “Yes. Every Saturday I demand that all the maids do their chores naked. It helps morale.”
“Liar.”
“Let’s not talk about the maids when there are much more fascinating subjects we could discuss,” he said huskily, sliding his hand down her stomach bravely and landing on her mound, circling her clit with his fingers in a way he’d discovered earlier made her shiver.
“Like…what?” she panted, arching beneath him.
And dear God, she almost lost it when he smirked at her. She soon realized that the demon had no influence on Spike’s sexy leers and cocky smiles. Those were purely William, the sensual, horny man that had always been inside him. She was not going to cry, dammit.
“For instance,” he said casually as he tenderly massaged her, smiling to himself when she grew wet for the umpteenth time that day. It pleased him to no end how responsive she was to him, being the inexperienced git that he was. “We could talk about the fact that I’m about to be inside you once more.” He kissed her neck, her chest, slid one finger into her gently and bit down on her nipple when she moaned.
“Why talk about that when you could just do it?”
“And that’s what I love about you, Buffy,” he smiled, situating himself between her legs and poising his cock at her entrance, “your ability to cut to the chase and not waste time with idle prattling.” With one sharp plunge, he was enveloped in her warmth, all humor lost as he exhaled thickly against her cheek. “God, the feel of you.”
She couldn’t help but agree. His skin, his calescence as he moved sinuously above her, his slightly parted lips, his wild curls tickling her cheeks and neck, every part of him that touched her evoked sensations she’d never forget. He’d branded her flesh with the feel of him, poured his essence into her mouth, infused her with his soul in a way that brought tears to her eyes.
His movements were lethargic, linking his fingers with hers and holding their hands above her head as he looked down at her, making love to her in a way she’d never allowed Spike to in the past. She would let him now, couldn’t help but give him this. They were too exhausted to go any faster and instead took their time to feel every listless drag of his body against hers, every muscle twitching between her thighs, the kisses they shared, slow and long and drowsy as their climaxes built without warning. She clenched around him with her sweet release, floating over the pinnacle with a sigh, quaking as if slightly jostled in her sleep and smiling as a strained moan poured from his lips like honey, raising the tiny hairs on the back of her neck as the estuary of his mouth descended upon her with silent completion.
He kissed her softly, trembling fingers mapped out the expanse of her face and neck as he pressed his forehead to hers and smiled down at her in a way that belied the expiration of their time together.
William felt the dam around his heart creaking and moaning in protest, so he rolled away from her reluctantly, pretending that he wasn’t seconds away from crumbling in agony. He couldn’t say goodbye to her, he wouldn’t say goodbye to her, so instead, he said, “We should get dressed, gather up your things.”
She rolled to her side and ran her hand across his chest and kissed his shoulder. What could she say to make this any better? Would it even matter when he’d only forget it? “Ok. If there’s anything that you have that might…remind you of me…” she trailed off, hating that she even had to say it.
He closed his eyes and nodded, and got up to gather his clothing and start dressing. Sitting with his back to her on the side of the bed as he buttoned his shirt he said, “I wrote some poems. Well, quite a bit, actually,” he laughed softly, turning his head to look at her over his shoulder. “You can keep them if you want. They’re not any good, I’m sure.”
“I’m sure they’re beautiful,” she whispered, inhaling deeply as he got up to leave the room.
“I’ll return in a moment.” He quietly shut the door behind her and she forced herself out of bed, trying desperately not to lose it as she started to get dressed. By the time she’d tied up her boots, he returned with a stack of papers and red rimmed eyes.
“I believe this is everything.”
She started crying, covering her face as she sat on the bed and he knelt before her and rubbed her legs. She could hear the shuddering exhalations of his breath and then he cleared his throat and grabbed her hands, forcing her to look at him. “I love you, William.”
He clenched his jaw and nodded, unconsciously playing with her fingers. “I have something else for you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring he’d purchased and she cried even harder, shaking her head in protest.
“I can’t take that, I can’t.”
“I promised you that when your memory was recovered that I would make you my fiancée,” his voice was strained as he slid the ring onto her finger. “There is no one else I would want to wear it. Maybe it could be something to remember me by.”
She sobbed into his shoulder, sinking to the floor with him as he embraced her, clinging to him for as long as she could before she kissed him one last time, every I love you he uttered only made it worse and she abruptly stood up and dried her tears with the sleeve of her dress.
“I have to go.”
“I know.”
She gathered up the pages he’d brought her and placed them in her trunk, locked the latch and lifted it, braving a glance at him as he walked over to her.
“Buffy, thank you,” he said reverently and she lifted her chin and closed her eyes. “You should go now before…”
She nodded and turned around, not wanting to prolong the anguish of their goodbye any more and quickly walked down the stairs. Her chest burned and her eyes stung but she held onto her resolve, even when she heard him crying all the way upstairs, choked it back until the front door closed behind her, squeezed it with an iron grip as she ran through the gardens and passed the rose bushes, clung to the last bit of strength she had left until she was on the dirt road. No longer illuminated by the warm lights of his estate, shrouded in darkness, she finally fell to her knees and wailed, clutching her stomach as she doubled over in pain from the loss, sobbing and moaning incoherent pleas until the warm hands of her watcher embraced her, rocking her and murmuring strangled apologies in a helpless attempt to calm her. It was a long while before her agony subsided and she lifted her weary and melancholy head to her old friend, hair matted and sticking to her cheeks and she smiled gently at him when she realized he, too, had been crying with her.
“Let’s get this over with.”