Chapter 4
Spike found Buffy waiting at his apartment. She was sitting on the couch, feet curled under her, nervously biting her lip. She looked so small and frightened. He could tell she had been crying and it broke his heart. He closed the door and slowly walked over and sat down, leaving space between them. He leaned forward and clasped his hands together.
How could he explain what he was feeling? How long he had loved her and wanted her. How much he regretted what he had done to her.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.
Trying hard not to start crying again, she said, “Not your fault. I’m the one that should be sorry.”
He tilted his head and looked at her, “Why’s that?”
“Spike, the ‘Powers That Be’ wouldn’t have erased your memory of me if I hadn’t caused you so much pain.”
“Is that what you think?
She just nodded as tears ran down her face. He turned to her and placed his hands on hers, gently rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.
“Buffy. They didn’t take ‘you’ from me because of what you did. They took my ‘guilt’ away of what I did ‘to’ you.” Unable to stay seated with so much emotion bottled up, he stood and started pacing. Buffy sat very still, afraid to move or say anything.
He stopped pacing and faced her. He placed his hand on his chest, “It was me.that hurt you. I hurt you and I could barely live with that. When I came back after I got my soul, after I got over being bug-shagging crazy, I knew you deserved more. I should never have come back but I did ’cause I couldn’t stay away.”
“Spike, I couldn’t have lived without you. I needed you in my life.”
“What you needed was a man. A ‘human’ man!”
Buffy felt that she was on the edge of a cliff, any wrong move and she would fall. She got to her feet and walked to stand in front of Spike. He stood very still, his newly beating heart was pounding in his chest. She placed a hand on his cheek and looked into his crystal blue eyes. She loved him so much. No one had ever loved her as much as he had. She had to find a way to convince him.
“You are all the man I need, all I want.”
“I want to believe you,” he whispered.
“When I told you, in that cave, that I loved you, I meant it with all my heart and all my soul. I felt it for a long time, I was just too scared to tell you.’
“What were you afraid of, luv?” he said as he slowly, tentatively placed his arm around her waist, drawing her near.
She leaned into him and said, “You loved me so completely, that I was afraid I couldn’t love you that much. I was so caught up in the whole ‘slayer’ thing and you being.a vampire, even with a soul, that I didn’t let you in, but you kept pushing and always being there for me that I couldn’t help falling in love with you.”
“Wore ya down, didn’t I”
She smiled, “That’s me, all worn out.”
“I seem to recall you being worn out several times before,” he leered. He became serious again, as he looked into her hazel eyes filled with unshed tears. She was so beautiful. He slowly, tenderly touched his lips to hers. She returned the kiss as she wrapped her arms around his neck. This is right. This is where I belong, she thought.
She pulled away and laughed, “You kiss different.” At his puzzled expression she explained, “They’re warm. Your lips are all warm. They used to be cool.”
He threw back his head and laughed as he picked her up and swung her around. Laughing they fell on the couch.
“Spike?”
“Ya luv,” he mumbled as he nuzzled her neck.
“There’s something I don’t get.”
“What’s that?”
“If the ‘Powers That Be’ erased me from your memory because of the guilt over what you did to me, then why do you remember all the years of killing?”
He stopped nuzzling and raised his head, “Wanna run that around the bend again, pet.”
“I mean guilt is guilt, right?”
“Yeah, I suppose. What ya gettin’ at?”
“Well, you remember the years of killing but you didn’t feel any guilt.”
“Right.”
“Do you have guilt now.over your past.about the killing?”
He sat up straight and frowned, “No, it’s still the same as it was when I first came back. Why?”
“Then why didn’t you remember me and just not have the guilt?”
He thought for a minute then said, “I suppose it’s because I love you. I couldn’t remember you and not remember everything about you. The ‘Powers That Be’, who ever they are, knew that I couldn’t have just part of you.” He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to put into words what he was feeling. “Buffy, we have a past; good, bad, whatever. It’s that past that makes us who we are. Who we are together.”
Buffy grinned from ear to ear. “I like the together part.”
Spike leaned in, looked into her eyes and grinned, “Tell me you love me.”
Buffy, remembering the words said, “I always love you. You know I do.”
“Tell me you want me.”
She tilted her head and leered, “I always want you, as a matter of fact.”
“Shut Up,” he said as he pulled her down on the couch and kissed her with all the passion ‘humanly’ possible.
The End.