Chapter 6
Buffy walked past the outdoor patio of Giles’ apartment complex the next day. It had been a long night for her, and she was still no closer to sorting through her feelings, but at least she wouldn’t have to worry about it for a while.
She dressed in hip-hugging jeans and a black turtleneck sweater. She was hoping to finish up her Christmas shopping after lunch and had opted for casual attire. She knocked on his door before turning around to look at the Christmas decorations adorning the exterior of the complex. Hearing the door open, Buffy spun around with a bright smile on her face and froze.
“Spike.”
Spike stared at the woman standing in front of him. This was not the Buffy he remembered. Her normally straight, golden hair was now longer and a shade of honey. It fell in waves around her shoulders and down her back. Gone was the soft, roundness of her cheeks and body. She still had luscious curves in the appropriate places, but the weight loss was obvious. She wore the same strawberry lip gloss that he remembered, with a little bit of mascara. She was no longer the girl that he fell for- this was a woman standing before him, and judging by the look in her eyes, a very jaded woman. Spike felt sadness fill him as he realized he was the one to cause that look.
“Y-you’re not supposed to be here.”
“I drove home a little bit earlier, luv.”
Her face immediately hardened. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t call me ‘luv’. You don’t have that right…not anymore.”
“Buffy, listen-”
“I-I can’t…I can’t listen to this,” she said, turning and running down the steps.
Spike immediately took off after her. Reaching her at the archway, he grabbed her arm to stop her escape. Buffy spun on her heel to face him, glaring at the stranger she saw before her.
“Buffy, I wanted-”
“You apologize to me, I will beat you to death.”
The venom in her voice made Spike freeze in shock.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?”
Buffy seemed to think about it for a moment before shaking her head. “No, I can’t. It’s too soon, and I don’t know if I’m ready to listen to you yet.”
“What about tomorrow? Please, Buffy, I need to see you…I just need to be near you, for a little while,” he advanced slowly on her as he spoke until he was lightly pressed against her. “I’ve missed you, baby.”
As his lips moved towards hers, she snapped out of the trance she seemed to be in while staring into his eyes. Distancing herself from his body, Buffy nodded.
“Okay, the park…tomorrow at five.” She quickly turned away so she wouldn’t be able to give in to temptation. With a fast pace to her step, she made her way out of his sight.
* * * * *
Buffy stood, wrapped in a towel, in her bedroom the next afternoon, examining every item in her closet.
“This is ridiculous,” she said to herself. “Why are you putting so much thought into this?”
“Maybe because you’re still in love with him,” said a voice from the door.
Buffy turned to see her little sister leaning against the frame.
“Dawnie, I’m glad you’re here. Pick out something for me,” she said, waving her hand at the discarded clothes as she walked past her sister towards the bathroom.
“Seriously?” she asked incredulously.
“Yep. I’m putting too much though into it, and I’m going to be running late at the pace I’m going. I trust you,” Buffy said, closing the bathroom door behind her.
Quickly blow-drying her hair straight, Buffy ran a brush through it before putting on a little bit of make-up. A few minutes later, she stared at her reflection in the mirror and gave herself a little smile. Returning to her bedroom, she saw Dawn standing in the middle of the floor holding a white sweater and a pair of pale gray dress pants that flared out slightly at the leg.
“That’s great, thanks, Dawnie.”
Hurriedly pulling on the clothes, Buffy grabbed some small silver hoop earrings and put them on as Dawn handed her the boots that would best compliment the outfit. Buffy slipped them on before giving her sister a kiss on the cheek and heading for the door.
“Good luck.”
“Thanks. I’ll need it.”
* * * * *
Spike saw her approaching from his position on a park bench and nervously wiped his palms on the khaki material of his pants. Standing up as she got closer, he was, once again, mesmerized with how beautiful she was.
“Hey, Buffy,” he said softly, walking over to meet her.
“Spike…so…what did you want to talk about?”
‘Quick and to the point,’ he thought.
“I, uh, I wanted to ask you something.”
“So ask.”
Taking a deep breath, Spike tried to steady his nervous heartbeat. “I want us to start over.”
Buffy stared at him in shock. What was she supposed to say to that? Before she had a chance to respond, Spike was continuing. “I’ve changed, Buffy. I know the pain I’ve caused you and-”
“NO!” she yelled, snapping out of her shock. “No, Spike! You don’t know. You have no idea the pain that you’ve caused me. You don’t know about the nights I cried myself to sleep. You don’t know about how I tried to alienate all of my friends so they couldn’t see how miserable I really was and pity me. And you really don’t know about my mom threatening to put me in a clinic unless I started eating again. So do me a favor, Spike, and don’t tell me that you know.”
By the time she finished, Buffy felt her voice cracking with emotion. She stared at Spike for a long moment as tears streamed down his face before turning to leave.
“Buffy, no,” he said, grabbing her sleeve. With a sigh, she turned back to face him.
“Please, don’t leave, baby, please!” He dropped to his knees, burying his face in her stomach and wrapping his arms around her waist. “I’m sorry,” he cried. “I’m so, so sorry. I don’t deserve to even be this close to you, but please, just don’t leave.”
Buffy felt tears come to her eyes as her fingers, of their own volition, twined themselves in his hair. Her tears only intensified when she heard his softly spoken words. “I love you. God, Buffy, I love you so much. I hurt you, and you’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. I realize that now. I hurt you…I hurt the girl…I hurt the girl.”
He trailed off in a sob. After a few minutes, Buffy gently extracted herself from Spike’s grip and helped him to his feet. Spike reached out to her, touching her face, running his fingers through her hair, as if he was afraid she wasn’t real.
“Spike,” she whispered, taking a deep breath. “I can only offer you my friendship. That’s all I’m capable of right now.”
Spike stared at her for a minute before responding, “I want that. Buffy, I just want to be close to you again. I know I screwed up inexcusably, but I need you. I know that now. I just need something…a crumb…a barest smidgen. Tell me…maybe, someday, there’s a chance.”
“Spike,” she whispered, shaking her head.
“Please, Buffy.”
“Maybe…someday.”
He kissed her softly on the forehead, leaving them both aching for more, “Thank you.”