Chapter 12
Buffy stood in the crowded ballroom, scanning the area for any sign of her bleached date and couldn’t find him anywhere. After a few minutes of searching the interior, Buffy finally saw him standing alone under a gazebo in the garden. She wrapped her shawl tightly around her against the chill of the December air and made her way towards him. As she got closer, she noticed the lit cigarette burning in his hand as he leaned against the railing, staring at one of the fountains.
“So, she’s back,” he said without turning around. “Thought you’d be off snogging college boy.”
“No,” she said softly, walking up and leaning on the railing to his left. Both stood for a few moments, staring at the cascading water.
“Listen, Spike, what you saw-”
“Was none of my business.”
“What?”
With a heavy sigh, Spike looked down at his cigarette, “I don’t deserve you, Buffy. I don’t have you. What I do deserve is all the pain that you can cause me.”
“Spike-”
“I’m a monster.”
“No, you’re not,” she said quietly.
“You don’t know that. I know you, Buffy, and you don’t even know what you want. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”
“Oh, believe me, I’m well aware of what you’re capable of. So, this is the big plan? Standing around in the dark, feeling sorry for yourself? You think you have insight into me now that you’re coming to terms with how much you hurt me? You don’t know me. You don’t even know you.”
“I know what I did to you,” he said, finally looking at her only to flinch and look away. “I know…for the first time…I realize the pain that I caused you. I was always sorry for what I did…even while it was happening, I knew how much it would hurt if you found out, .but right now…tonight, I realize how much you should hate me.” With a deep breath, Spike turned back to face the landscaping.
“So what do you want, Spike? Do you want me to hate you?”
“I want you to love me!” he yelled, whirling around to face her. ” But I bollocksed that up, good and proper.” Calming himself down, Spike looked away from her again and continued, “I don’t know what you feel for me, Buffy. I don’t even know if I wanna know. What I do understand is that I have to be the strong one right now. I need to make a clean break. I need to let you go. You deserve someone who never took your love for granted. Someone who will treat you the way you deserve. Someone who’s not me,” he trailed off in a whisper.
“You’re really seeing it now, aren’t you? For the first time, you realize what you did?”
“I always knew. I just ignored it. If you ignore it, it’ll go away, and everything will go back to normal. That’s what I was trying to do. I thought that if I could make you see how good we used to have it, we wouldn’t focus on the past. That if I looked forward to seeing you, I could ignore how much I hated myself.”
“And what about me?” she asked quietly. Spike’s head jerked up to face her. “I loved you so much. I tried to make it all go away. And I hate it. I hate that it’s so hard…and that you can hurt me so much,” she choked up and looked away from him. “I know everything that you did because you did it to me,” she whispered in a firm tone, tears building up in her eyes.
“Buffy.” Spike reached for her and was met with air as she stepped out of his reach.
“I don’t hate you, Spike. I can’t. I just wish it would go away. I wish everything would stop…the pain, the heartache…even the passion that I still feel for you. I don’t know what’s going to happen, Spike, but I’m not ready to give up on us yet.” Buffy finally looked at him and saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes. “I’m not ready for you to not be here.” Shaking her head slightly at the injustice of everything in her life, Buffy turned to fully face him. “You know, everyone’s telling me how much you love me…so I have one question. Why? If you loved me so much, why would hurt me like that?”
“I was being selfish,” he said quietly. “I could lie and say that I was completely out of my mind, that it wasn’t my fault, but it was my own selfish needs. I hadn’t seen you in months, and it felt like we weren’t even us anymore. We were both so busy, and I just chose to forget about everything. The main thing being you. You’re my everything, Buffy, and for some reason, I felt like I’d lost you. Gunn and Oz weren’t having any problems with the fame, it was just me. I let myself be deceived by the lights and the glamour of being a rock star, and I didn’t stop to think about anyone’s feelings but my own. The second I saw your face…the very second that I made both of our lives fall apart, I knew. I was sure of what I wanted out of life. I thought about the future and saw us…we were happy, and I knew. Nothing would ever be the same.
“I wasn’t faithful to you, Buffy,” he said, meeting her eyes with his own. “I can’t imagine what I’ve put you through, but I want you to know that I have been. Not when it mattered of course, but after that…every night after that. I knew I didn’t have you anymore, but if it means anything, I’ve been faithful to you ever since that night…and I will be for the rest of my life, no matter what happens between us. I owe you that much,” he trailed off quietly.
Buffy exhaled softly at the admission. That was what she needed. She had been waiting for months to hear the truth, and it was finally in front of her. Looking down at the ground, she found herself smiling. “You know, when I first saw you, walking into the library that day, I felt like I was falling. I thought you were the hottest guy I had ever seen,” she trailed off with a tiny laugh. “You thought you were such a badass, with the spiked hair and the swaggering walk and the smirk. Guess some things never change, though.” Buffy turned to him and saw the smile playing on his lips. “Well, except for the hair. I gotta admit, I like the curls better,” she said, reaching up to gently run her fingers through his soft hair. “I never wanted anyone more, and I never thought you would want me. I mean, your girlfriend could have been a model, and yet, you would still flirt with me on the side.” Her smile slowly faded as she let her hand drop away from his hair. “So, when I saw you a few months ago, every feeling I had came rushing back. The insecurities and all of the memories of those little side glances. I figured, since you didn’t kiss me while you were with Drusilla, that you really loved her. So if you had to sleep around while you were with me, then I really was nothing to you.”
“Buffy, NO, you were everything. Dru had nothing compared to-”
“I know. On some basic level, I know, but I need you to realize that if we do this…if we try and make this work,” she trailed off as she stared out at the grounds. “You know, I can’t even remember that night.” Spike looked up at her in confusion as she continued. “I get flashes here and there. I remember walking into the hotel and it’s like my mind goes blank and the next thing I know, I’m in the stairwell with you. Sometimes I get flashes of certain images and I think it’s what really happened, but it could just be my mind playing tricks on me and making it all up. I see it. I see you with her, only it’s not her, at least I don’t think it is…it’s whoever my mind created.” Buffy looked at him and saw the pain in his eyes that matched her own, “And I’m grateful. I know what you did, but it’s like my mind has filled in the parts that it doesn’t want me to remember. Like it’s selective memory or something. I don’t know if what I’m imagining is real or not, I don’t really care anymore, but I get scared sometimes that all of the memories will just come back, until I realize that I lived through it once. I could survive it, I don’t want to, but I could. I just get so scared that you’d do that to me again, and I-”
“Never again, baby. I swear. You have my word that I will never hurt you again, please believe me!”
“I do,” Buffy said, nodding slightly, staring off into the yard before slowly turning to look into his eyes. “I believe in you, Spike.”
Spike felt tears come to his eyes at her admission. Not wanting to startle her, he slowly shrugged out of his suit coat and stepped behind her. Slipping it around her shoulders and keeping his arms firmly around her waist, Spike kissed her softly on the cheek before nuzzling her hair and noticed a flash of color. “You wore the earrings.”
“Yeah,” she said softly.
“I’m glad,” he said quietly before slowly lowering his forehead to her shoulder. He felt drained from the long talk. He felt more drained from the pain that he had caused them both. He meant every word he said to her, he didn’t want to mess this up a second time. He was an idiot and now he wanted nothing more than to revel in the feeling of her body pressed against him.
“I didn’t kiss him back,” she said after a few minutes.
Spike raised his head to settle his chin in the crook of her neck. “I didn’t ask, luv.”
“I know, but I thought you should know. I know how much it hurts, and I don’t want that for you.” Taking a deep breath, she continued, “We went out on a date, a few months ago.” Buffy felt Spike’s arms tense around her waist. “He just heard about what happened and felt it was his job to comfort me in my hour of need.”
Spike had a death grip on Buffy’s figure, “Did you…”
“No,” she said softly. “I thought about it, but ultimately, I would have done it to hurt you. I didn’t think that was a good enough reason.” Turning around in his arms, Buffy felt her back push against the railing as his body pulled closer to hers. “I guess you walked out tonight before you saw me kick him.”
This brought a bright smile to Spike’s lips. “You kicked him?”
“Twice,” she admitted, almost sheepishly.
“That’s my girl,” His smile faded as he realized what he said. “Buffy, I’m-”
“Shhh,” she whispered, putting her finger to his lips. Wrapping her arms around his waist, Buffy put her head against his chest. “I’ll always be your girl.”
After a few minutes of comfortably holding each other, Buffy knew it was time to let go of everything. She needed to feel better, and she knew she had to make him feel better as well.
“I forgive you, Spike.”
The admission was so soft, Spike thought his ears were playing tricks on him as Buffy pulled back to look up at him.
“I forgive you.”
“Thank you,” he whispered, pressing his forehead to hers. “I love you so much.”
“I know. Deep down, I knew that there was never a question of that.”
After a few more moments of enjoying the feel of each other, Spike pulled back to look at her. “I got an apartment the other day.”
“Really?” she asked excitedly.
“Yep, I was thinking you could come over and take a look at it…say around midnight on New Year’s Eve?” he asked with a devilish little smirk.
“I don’t know.”
“I’m inviting the guys, too. I don’t want to push you into something you’re not ready for, yet.”
“Okay,” she said with a smile. “Count me in.”
With a smile, Spike leaned forward to softly kiss her, pulling away before either of them could deepen it. Buffy almost moaned at the loss of the brief contact.
“Oh, almost forgot,” he said, reaching into his pocket and extracting a velvet box. “Your Christmas present.”
Buffy stared at it in shock before turning to look at him. “Spike, I didn’t get you anything-”
“It’s alright, luv. I just saw this and knew that you had to have it…open it.”
Buffy slowly opened the small box to reveal a beautiful heart pendant that was covered in tiny diamonds, secured to a delicate white gold chain.
“Spike, it’s beautiful,” she murmured, removing it from the box. “Put it on me?”
Spike took the necklace from her and watched as she lifted the cascade of honey blonde hair. Securing it around her neck, he found his lips moving forward to gently brush along the nape and smiled at the shiver that ran down her spine. Turning around to face him, Buffy brought her arms up to wrap around his neck.
“Thank you.”
“Merry Christmas, baby.”
Buffy seemed to hesitate for a moment before meeting his gaze. “I love you, Spike.”
Spike felt all the air drain out of him. She’d said it. He’d been told that she still loved him, but he hadn’t let himself really believe it.
“Buffy-”
His words were immediately silenced as her lips fused to his. Frantically, they kissed each other, neither wanting to give up the sensations that they were causing. Spike eagerly delved his tongue into her waiting mouth, groaning at the contact. Buffy felt lightheaded as he pushed her harder into the railing, pushing his lower body eagerly against her. She felt a moan escape as they slowly pulled away, already missing the feel of the other.
“I’m in love with you, Buffy,” he said as she looked up into his watery eyes. Buffy felt her heart swell at the admission. “I’ve never loved anyone more.”
“Me either,” she said softly. “I love you, Spike. Merry Christmas.”
A/N: There you go everybody. For such an angsty chapter I hope I gave you a pretty good closing to it. Also, I realize this chapter had a lot of BTVS dialogue, for those of you who don’t like that sort of thing, sorry. I thought about taking it out, but after re-reading it and asking my beta, I just left it alone. Hope everybody enjoyed, more updates soon.