Chapter 22: Thoughts
All the way to the cemetery, Buffy repeated to herself that she was only doing what was right and fulfilling her Slayer duties, nothing more. She had to assure herself that Spike was still souled, and that he hadn’t been frolicking with Faith and gotten to the ‘perfect happiness’ point, and.
Whom was she kidding? She wanted to know if Faith and Spike had slept together, period. Whether souls and happiness had been involved was secondary. She would have had some trouble explaining why she wanted to know, though. Maybe because she was afraid Faith was using Spike? Right. Like the ex Big Bad needed her protection.
At least, he would never suspect a thing. She was going to direct the conversation about Faith and see exactly what he thought about the brunette, whether he had less than pure thoughts where she was concerned, if he really had rejected her offer, as he had said, or had fallen in bed with her. Somehow, the thought that he might have been with Faith felt almost as much of a betrayal to her as Angel’s acting had. Both feelings were completely unreasonable, Buffy knew it, but she couldn’t help it. She had asked Angel to play the game, and still she hurt from it every time she remembered it. And now, ever since seeing Faith walk out of Spike’s crypt, she was uncomfortable with the idea that they might have done more than talk. She didn’t have any claim on Spike, and she certainly did not see him as more than a friend; so where did that feeling of treason came from? Maybe Angel’s unfair jealousy was contagious.
The discovery of her brand new power had been an unexpectedly pleasant surprise. When Giles had told her she would acquire an aspect of the demon she had slain the previous night, she seriously had worried that she wouldn’t be able to leave her house before Halloween because of her brand new horns, tails or scales. But this. Being able to read people’s thoughts? A bit strange at first, disconcerting even, but she was beginning to see the possibilities it opened up to her. She could get an answer from Spike, whether he wanted to give it to her or not. Then she’d get back to school, finish her day there, and then swing by the mansion to peek into Angel’s mind. Or maybe not. She wasn’t sure she was ready to face her boyfriend’s thoughts yet. She would have too, eventually, but not so fast, not when she still needed to learn to control her ability. And that was another reason to go see Spike, she told herself. Practice made perfect. She was getting better at it, picking up more and more; but she still needed control.
Another question she wanted an answer to was where had Spike been the previous evening. He never had promised to patrol with her every night, but she couldn’t help wondering where he disappeared on the rare times when he didn’t show up; and since he wasn’t volunteering an explanation, she’d have to find one herself.
As before, the question of whether to knock at his door or not nagged her for an instant. Useless, because in all probability he would be downstairs and sleeping at this hour, but it still felt rude to enter unannounced. She finally compromised with herself and knocked before entering without waiting for an answer.
Spike wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or annoyed. On one hand, he had been awoken – again – way too early. On the other, it was always a pleasure to see his Slayer, and even more so when the big brooder wasn’t around to spoil his fun with dark looks and silent threats.
He had managed to acquire a second armchair, and offered it to Buffy as he settled on the other one. With a slightly doubtful grimace that amused Spike, she sat down on the dusty seat, looking a little uncomfortable, although he couldn’t have said why she was.
“Shouldn’t you be in school?” he asked when she was done commenting on how nicely he had fixed up the crypt for visitors.
“I was,” she confirmed with a small nod. “And I’ll get back there soon. I just thought I’d drop by and say hi. See how you were doing.”
Suppressing a frown, Spike pulled his cigarettes and lighter from his shirt’s front pocket. Buffy was many things, but certainly not a good liar. Why was she really there? And why was she looking at him with such attention?
“I’m fine,” he assured her. “How ’bout you? You seem. preoccupied.”
Her protest that she was fine was a bit too quick, a bit too vehement, and only furthered Spike’s suspicions that something was going on.
“Since you didn’t show up for patrol last night, I was wondering what happened to you. Did you go out with friends? You must be lonely, here by yourself all day long.”
Her voice trailed off, as if she expected him to pick up the sentence. He took a deep drag on his cigarette, then obliged.
“Not so lonely. Had some company show up. Unexpected, but still nice.”
His lips curled around his fag while she looked confused for an instant before finally understanding that he was talking about her.
“Oh. Well, aren’t you getting tired of old little me? I mean, it’d be normal if you went and made new friends.”
Once more, she seemed to be expecting something from him, and Spike was at a loss as to what exactly. But if she was offering him an opening, he would have to be a fool not to use it to plant some seeds.
“Don’t think I could get tired of you,” he admitted, hoping his voice didn’t sound as pathetically unsure as he felt. “So I’ve no need for new friends.”
The barest frown was her only reaction to his words, and Spike wondered worriedly if he had said too much and ruined everything before he had even had his chance.
“You almost sound like Faith,” she said with a forced laugh. “With the no need for friends bit. Although like you said, she was apparently looking for some new excitement.”
And again, a question that wasn’t really one. Spike couldn’t understand what she wanted from him, what game she was playing. These random sentences made little sense, and the way she was looking at him, as if in deep concentration, was certainly odd.
“Is something wrong, Slayer?” he asked cautiously, wondering if she had any clue about the loss of his soul and was trying to make him admit everything.
She shook her head, seemingly disappointed.
“No, everything’s fine. I’ve got to get back to school.”
Spike felt like protesting that she had only arrived, thought about offering refreshments – though he didn’t have much to offer her. In the end, he did neither and simply walked her to the door, watching her disappear into the sunlight and mentally counting how many hours would need to pass before he could see her again.
A hard look distorting her features, Faith watched, immobile, as Buffy walked out of the unsouled vampire’s crypt. She had watched her walk in not even twenty minutes before. Why would the blonde Slayer skip school to visit a vampire in the middle of the morning? Why this vampire, when she had her own waiting for her in a much more pleasant house?
She was convinced that Spike had lost his soul by sleeping with Buffy; and Faith had no doubt about what had just taken place in that crypt. Her fellow Slayer might play at being a good girl, but deep down, Miss Perfect had a weakness for the sexy undead blond, no doubt about it.
That visit didn’t simply cast a new light on the Slayer; it also did on the vampire. His little act about spying on the Scoobies for the Mayor had been well played, but it was clearly nothing more than that – an act. Faith couldn’t wait to tell her protector that his pet vampire was still on the other team’s rolls. And to think he had threatened to denunciate her as a spy!
Rehearsing her announcement in her head, she made her way to the town hall, and strode into the Mayor’s office unannounced. He seemed slightly irritated when she interrupted a meeting with some boy scouts group or something, but she didn’t pay it much mind. He had after all requested that she warn him of anything suspicious on Spike’s part in the best delays.
She was disappointed when he didn’t immediately ask her to go stake the vamp. But as she listened to him, she had to admit that he was right. They could still use him, and it would be much more fun to have him staked by his own side.
I thought about it all day long, but still couldn’t understand what Buffy’s visit had been about until I went to join her for patrol that night. She was nowhere to be found, and I eventually drifted to Revello. Joyce was in the kitchen with Dawn when I arrived there. Both of them crying. The little bit threw herself in my arms, and for a moment I froze, unsure about what to do, the nastiest thought worming itself in my heart. I held Dawn tight, probably too tight, the same words running over and over in my mind.
Buffy was hurt.
That had to be why both Summers ladies were so upset, and the idea was killing me. What had happened since I had seen her in the afternoon? Why hadn’t I been there to help her? How much was she hurt. Throat tight, I could do nothing but question Joyce with a look as I kept running my fingers over Dawn’s hair, trying to soothe both her and myself.
“Buffy was. hurt,” Joyce confirmed my fears after taking a deep calming breath.
She explained what she knew, then, about a demon contaminating Buffy the previous night – and I cursed myself for not having been there, for the charade I was playing with the Mayor with practically no interesting result so far. She told me about the Slayer’s newly acquired power – and I cursed myself for not understanding what she had been doing that afternoon. Then, swallowing back her tears and fears, she murmured that it was driving her daughter insane – and I cursed myself some more for good measure.
Trying to sound as convincing as I could, I brushed my bit’s tears away and told her that her big sister would be fine and kicking in no time. I didn’t promise. I was trying to convince myself as much as her. When they had both calmed down a little, I used my knowledge of the kitchen to prepare some hot chocolate. I could tell Joyce was amused, despite being scared, that I’d go back to cocoa at a time like this, but she was grateful too. I made an extra mug, and softly asked Joyce if I could bring it to her eldest. She refused at first, and explained that Buffy felt worse when people were close to her. I told her my thoughts were safe from the Slayer; she eventually relented.
I entered Buffy’s room a little hesitantly. It was the first time I was setting foot in there, and for an instant I looked around, taking in the décor, the butterflies on the walls, the plush toys, the posters, the pictures of her friends. Nothing at all hinted this girl was anything but normal. And then I forgot everything and simply concentrated on her.
Buffy looked terrible – or so I discovered once I managed to convince her to let go of the pillow she was holding over her head. She looked terrible, but she was still my beautiful Buffy, and I hurt to see her like this. The mug of hot cocoa forgotten on a side table, I brushed the air off her face while she blinked to adjust her vision and look at me. Her skin was feverish.
“Spike,” she acknowledged my presence, and I smiled at her.
“Hey kitten. I hear you’ve picked up a brand new super power?”
I realized I was still stroking her forehead and started to pull away, but she grabbed my hand and pulled it back.
“Cool,” she murmured. “Feels nice.”
A slow blink and she tilted her head slightly to the side, looking at me intently.
“I still can’t hear you. Why can’t I hear you?”
“Vampire, luv. One of the perks that come with the fangs, or so I’ve been told.”
She muttered incoherently under her breath, and I lost my smile. She wasn’t completely there with me, and I tried to draw her back.
“Anything you’re interested in, Slayer? You can just ask, you know. I can’t promise I’ll answer but.”
“Did you sleep with Faith?”
Even after her hints from the afternoon, it still took me by surprise; and for a second, I stared at her, mouth and eyes wide. Then I did the only sensible thing. I laughed. She frowned for a moment; until I clarified my laugher by saying that it was the most ridiculous idea I had ever heard. I guess I could have found a nicer way to say it, but she didn’t seem to mind too much. Especially since, she was already drifting on to other voices besides mine.
She was tired, I could tell that much, and I wasn’t distracting her anymore from whatever she was hearing. I told her to try to get some sleep, and she nodded, barely, before closing her eyes. I might have brushed my lips to her burning forehead. Or taken her hand and held it for a while. Might. One thing is sure, it wasn’t long before I went and found Giles.
I spent the rest of my night tracking down another one of the demons with Angel. He wasn’t happy about the help; but once I made it clear I didn’t give a damn about what he thought, he stopped being an ass. We found our demon pretty quickly, but it took us a bit longer to take it down. When it was time to bring Buffy her morning tonic, Angel once again became a jealous prick. I didn’t argue – much – and let him go there alone. I knew I’d see Buffy again soon enough, and I had no particular wish to watch Angel get to play the boyfriend while I stood there and felt useless.
In any case, I now knew that she cared enough about me to wonder who I was sleeping with, so I was pretty confident about the future. Confident that she would only care more once I showed her how helpful I could be with the whole Mayor business. It didn’t occur to me that she might have wanted to know about Faith because she worried for my soul. I also refused to even think of the possibility that she might believe I had betrayed her by joining the other side.
Made it even harder when the other shoe dropped.