Part Eleven: For Whom The Bell Tolls
An entire selection of Giles’s dusty old books went crashing to the floor. The next second, Buffy, trembling and doing everything in her power to keep from losing it, carefully lowered Spike to the newly cleared table. She could barely see him for the tears in her eyes.
“Hey!” Wesley protested, but she ignored him.
Willow was at her side the next instant, helping her calm Spike’s mediocre struggles. “Where are Giles and Xander?”
Buffy said nothing. Should she try to elevate him or was flat better? If she shifted him a fraction of an inch lower, would that make him more or less comfortable? She didn’t know. She was the Slayer. She was supposed to know things and she didn’t.
The world was outright maddening.
Spike’s mouth fell open, his eyes soft and kind. So far from his earlier outrage. Funny how death could put things in perspective. “Sweetheart,” he said, capturing one of Buffy’s hands to draw her attention home. “Love, Will’s tryin’ to talk to you.”
“I don’t know where they are,” Buffy said shortly, tightening her fingers around his—anchoring him to her as she stroked his surprisingly soft locks of peroxided hair with her free hand. “As soon as I saw Giles pull up, I grabbed Spike and ran.”
“She means grabbed in the literal sense,” Spike added, offering a weak smile.
Willow frowned. “Ran?”
Buffy met her friend’s gaze and shrugged. The screeching panic in her head was beginning to fade into something worse. She couldn’t think and didn’t want to. Spike was hurt.
“Got here faster than they did, didn’t I?” she replied.
“Those were antique volumes—Assyrian scrolls, mind you!” Wesley huffed. “And you just throw them to the floor as though—”
“Shut up, Wesley,” Buffy and Willow said together.
Spike sighed and attempted to sit up. Attempted and failed. “Don’t see what all the fuss is about,” he offered. “I’m fine.”
Buffy inhaled deeply. She hadn’t stopped trembling. “What—”
“It’s just a scratch, really.”
“Spike—”
“A flesh wound, when you think about it.”
“Spike!”
He closed his mouth and smiled up at her—like there were things to be smiling about now. But what scared her more was the possibility that he had already given up, and all of this was his way of saying goodbye.
“My girl,” he murmured, skimming a finger across her cheek. “Don’t cry, baby. It’s all right. Things have a way of workin’ out.”
She shook her head and nearly choked on a sob. “No. They don’t, Spike. Not where we’re concerned.”
His smile remained. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Not for us.” He blinked and looked around. “Where’s Angel?”
The question made no sense. “Huh?”
“At the mansion,” Willow offered. “Oz and Cordy are with him. We were gonna bring him the blood after it… After we got it. Thought it best to have him comfortable.”
“I can’t do this,” Buffy announced suddenly, though she didn’t know who she was talking to.
“We got what we needed, right?”
She didn’t understand the question. Then she looked at him and she did.
“Angel,” Spike clarified, “got his remedy. Got—”
And just like that, she was gone. Buffy dropped his hand and moved back, the weight of what had just happened crashing down around her with such force she couldn’t breathe. He still thought this was about Angel, after everything. Like watching him fall to the ground hadn’t nearly killed her in the process.
But then, why should he believe otherwise? She’d told him she was happy with him, but also that she loved Angel. In his world, it would be Angel she would save. There wasn’t another option. The door had closed.
“I can’t do this,” Buffy said again, trusting her feet to carry her away. She didn’t breathe again until she was in Giles’s office, the air ringing with the slam of the door.
Except once she got there, the floodgates in her mind opened, and her shock was shoved aside by fury.
How dare he?
How dare he?
Buffy whirled around before she could talk herself out of it and marched back into the library proper. “How the hell can you say that?”
Spike attempted to sit up and was more successful this time. “What?”
“How can you…” She wiped at her eyes. “You really think I’m going to sit here and watch you die? You think that’s the reason I… Well, fuck you!”
He blinked. “Buff—”
“You know, I should. I really, really should. You lied to me, you didn’t trust me, you stormed out of here and got yourself all wounded…and you smoke!” Buffy was shaking so hard she felt like she might wear a hole in the ground, but it was worth it for the dazed look on his face. “But…I…how can you think I’d do nothing?”
“Well—”
“And if you mention Angel one more time, I’ll rip your balls off and shove them down your throat.”
That seemed to stun everyone in the room.
“Buffy!” Willow sputtered.
Wesley looked pained. “I think I’ll just…wait outside for Rupert and Xander,” he decided before practically fleeing for the library doors.
Spike frowned. “What?” he demanded. “Is it so bloody beyond the realm of possibility to think—maybe—you’ll wanna save your—”
“Don’t even—”
“He has a soul, pet. A…reason. A bloody mission from God or what all. He was mojo’ed back once…because it’s so important that he doesn’t kick it…right?” He cocked his head. “You…think anyone up there will cry over me, love? Think they’ll even consider steppin’ up to the plate to save William the Bloody? A soulless wanker who killed heartily until he quit cold turkey ‘cause he fell in love? You think the universe is run by a bunch of romantics?” He smiled a dry, insincere smile. “’Cause if you do, sweetheart, you’re in for one hell of a rude awakening.”
She could have screamed again; she didn’t. Instead, in a tone so low it was nearly frightening, she said, “There are two slayers, Spike. No one has to die.”
He blinked. “Not…gonna happen.”
“You don’t have much choice here.”
“Oh, yes I bloody well do.”
“You wanna try and stop me?”
He stared at her for a long second before offering a flat chuckle and shaking his head. “I won’t drink from you,” he told her flatly. “And if you even think of offering yourself to Angel…I’ll stake myself, here and now.”
Hell, he might as well have slapped her. “I wouldn’t.”
“Yes, you would,” Spike replied grimly. “If it meant saving him, you would. But I won’t let you endanger yourself for that.”
Buffy’s jaw dropped. “You said it didn’t have to be to the death!”
“Yeah. People live as human vegetables. I will not let that happen to you.”
“You can’t stop me. If you’re dying, you’ll—”
“What? Cave? Don’t think so.” His brows arched in challenge. “You think you know how much I can…withstand? You haven’t seen anything yet.”
It was likely fortunate that Giles and Xander pushed through the library doors before Buffy could spit an angry retort. Not that she had anything to say because what could she say? The answer was nothing because this was what he believed—truly, wholeheartedly, and with good reason. All the things she’d kept inside, afraid of what they meant or what might happen if she said them—everything unsaid informed his conviction. She wasn’t sure she’d believe her, were the situation reversed.
Now she was going to lose Spike because she hadn’t been brave enough to tell him she loved him. To make him believe it.
Numbness set in, and she wasn’t sure whether or not that was a good thing. At length, Buffy turned and headed toward Giles’s office once more.
She wouldn’t be coming back this time.
*~*~*
The second Buffy disappeared, Spike stopped fighting the disease attacking his bones and collapsed against the table. It was unlike anything he had ever before felt. A gnawing away at his insides. A foe he could neither touch nor see. He remembered fearing sickness in life, watching as it withered his mum away to little more than bone. And here he’d thought he’d left all that behind.
Willow placed a hand on his shoulder, reminding him she was there. “She loves you,” she told him. “I don’t know if she understands that’s what it is yet, but she loves you.”
Spike blinked, then smiled at her for trying. “She doesn’t…don’t know if she…can…or…”
“Don’t talk if it hurts.” The next minute, Red was sitting beside him on the table, casually ignoring the fuss as it happened behind her—the watchers yelling at each other, and Xander’s confusion. The witch was incredibly observant, and he tended to forget that at times. From the beginning, she had surprised him. This was no different. “Buffy does love you. I know you see it. You’re just trying to be the big martyr here and everything…which, freaky, yes, but if you die, it’s gonna kill her. You have to let her help you.”
Spike sat back, eyes drifting shut. “If Angel…” he said, “dies…’cause…’cause I went…after Faith…lied to…betrayed…never forgive me.” He released a trembling breath. “Said…never forgive. Don’t want…loves him.”
“Spike?”
A pause. “I’m here, ducks…goin’ to sleep, though.”
He felt her squeeze his shoulder. “No. No. No sleepies. You can’t. We’ll have the cure soon.” Then her scent moved away, and he heard her call for Giles, though he didn’t follow much of what was said. He was teetering closer to the edge.
“Love her…” he murmured. “Buffy. Love her.”
Willow was back again, but it was only for a minute. He felt her hand on his forehead. She was cold where he was warm.
So strange.
“She knows,” Willow said from a thousand miles away. “She loves you, too.”
An empty promise. Of course Buffy would love him now. Now that he was dying. She would tell him once for good measure, shed a few tears, but move on. Inevitably, she would move on.
As she should. They had shared their heaven. They had been happy. Time had simply run out, but then, no time in the world would have ever been enough.
This was it, then. His punishment for spoiling her purity. He was a creature of the night. A thing born of evil. Presuming to touch her had been bad enough. But making her care? Making her cry? Making her bleed?
Get what I deserve.
That thought carried his consciousness away, and the world fell down around him.
*~*~*
Willow found Buffy with her head buried in her arms, her shoulders shaking with sobs. The temptation to turn around and leave was a strong one. Seemed like the right thing to do. She knew from experience that crying was a very personal thing—tie in love and death just made it more so.
But she couldn’t turn away. As the others worked hard to pump the antidote from Faith’s body, she had to make sure that Buffy wanted what she thought she wanted.
One could never make good judgment calls in these situations. It was one or the other. One of them would die tonight. And the Slayer, the unlikely lover of both, had to decide which.
All things considered, the icebreaker she chose likely could have used a bit more work.
“He’s out.”
Buffy looked up in a panic, wiping furiously at her eyes. “What?”
“Spike. He…kinda passed out.” Willow pursed her lips and stepped forward. “Said he loves you, though. But he thinks you’ll hate him if he drinks Faith’s blood and lives.”
“That’s ridiculous! Why would he…” Her face fell mid-tangent. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
“I said I’d never forgive him if he got himself hurt…but…” Buffy shook her head and heaved out a breath. “I can’t lose him, Will. I lost Angel last year, and it broke me. It broke me for a long time, but I got fixed.” She glanced in the direction of the sick vampire’s table. There was quiet for a long minute, then her face crumpled. “If I lose Spike, there will be no ‘me’ to break.”
“You rely on him that much?”
Buffy looked down miserably. “More than I should. And I don’t mean that all… He dies, he thinks it’s because…I…” She shook her head again, wiping her cheeks. “Angel knew that…and he believed me.”
“He doesn’t believe you love him,” Willow said, wincing when Buffy jerked her head up. “He told me that you love Angel and that’s why you would never forgive him if he drank Faith’s antidote and left Angel for dead. I told him that you love him…because you do, whether you wanna admit it or not, but he doesn’t believe it.”
“Will—”
“And don’t even try to deny it, missy. I’ve seen you. These few weeks…you’ve been reverso-Buffy. I didn’t think it was possible or anything, but…” She trailed off with a hard sigh and sank into the seat beside her. “And now you’re looking more like you. All teary and stuff. You can’t tell me you love this and not what—”
“I’m not…I…” Buffy swallowed. “If I tell him now, he won’t believe me.”
“That you love him?”
She nodded.
“You know, there’s this concept called ‘trying.’ I heard it’s successful in many civilized cultures.”
Buffy favored her with a particularly dry glance. “You don’t know Spike.”
“Actually, kinda do. And yeah, he won’t believe you. But what have you got to lose?”
“Everything.” She hesitated. “My love kills, Will. It killed Angel. Drove my father away. The last time I…let myself…I’ve been terrified of loving Spike because something like this might happen.”
There was a brief pause. Willow wondered if strangling her friend would make her see reason. “But this did happen, Buff. The world doesn’t just stop occasionally sucking because you don’t tell someone you love them. Obviously. And now he might die because you didn’t tell him!”
Buffy nodded, the motion stiff.
Then she burst into tears. The crying jag didn’t last long, though—a few hard sobs and Buffy was on her feet again, wiping at her eyes, looking somewhat manic. “Well, I’m not going to let him die. I’ll shove Faith’s blood down his throat if I have to. He’s gonna be okay. I’m not losing him.” She released a deep breath. “In the meantime, we better move him, too. Back to his place. Get him some blood or something to hold him over.”
Willow nodded slowly, hating that she had to ask but forcing herself to do it anyway. “And Angel?”
The color faded a bit from the Buffy eyes, but not the resolve. “I’ll be there…with him,” she replied. “What Spike said. It…he’s right. Angel is a champion. And the Powers don’t want him dead. They brought him back once…they stopped him from killing himself. They made it snow in southern California during a massive heat wave. That’s saying something. I just…I don’t think this is the end of it for him. He has a purpose. He…” She trailed off, gaze blurring over again. “And if it isn’t…I can’t stand to see either one of them die, Will. This is so unfair. I’m the Powers’ puppet, and they’ve locked me in a room where the walls are closing in and the doors are sealed shut. I know it’s selfish and I know it’s wrong, and it’s eating me up inside, but I can’t! I can’t—”
“Buffy—”
“If the Powers are so determined to keep Angel in the game, they will. But Spike has nothing. If I lose him, it’s forever.” Buffy shook her head again. “He has nothing…but me. And I’m not gonna let him die.”
Willow offered a soft, encouraging smile, relieved now that there was a plan. A plan that still kinda sucked, sure, but Buffy’s logic made sense to her. And it was what she needed. “Then let’s get moving.”