Chapter 15
She wrapped the coat around her body before she stepped out of the car and smiled up at him as he held the door open for her.
“This is the place?” She asked as her gaze absorbed the student-packed house.
“Yeah. Cool, huh?” Parker asked locking the car before leading her up the driveway.
She simply nodded and forced another smile onto her face. The truth was she really didn’t feel like going to a party. With the week she had had, all she wanted was to lay sprawled on the couch, eating a huge bowl of popcorn and falling asleep to some old movie. Tonight would probably be one of the few nights she’d be able to do that, since Harmony was out and she’d have the whole house to herself.
When the ex-cheerleader had suddenly decided to pack up and spend the rest of the weekend at home, she had been tempted to phone Parker and cancel her date with him. She had actually called him, but he had sounded so excited about the party she just couldn’t get the courage to postpone it. So, reluctantly, she went with him and now she was standing in the middle of a packed house, music blazing, much like the last party he had taken her to, waiting for him to bring them something to drink.
She sighed and pressed her lips together as she scanned the room. ‘Couple making out… football player chugging down a whole keg of beer… couple making out… guy passed out… couple dry humping… girl passed out with panties showing… Oh, yes and yet another couple dry humping!’ She thought. Her eyes widened for a second: ‘Um… scratched that. Replace with couple *actually* having sex in a room filled with people.’ Shaking her head she turned around to be greeted by a grinning Parker. ‘Yep! It’s exactly the same party. Right down to crazy-naked-guy-sprawled-on-the-table.’ She realised.
“Having fun?” He asked handing her a glass.
“Yeah.” She said with forced enthusiasm as she sipped her drink. Her nose wrinkled and her tongue stuck out for a second. “Does this have alcohol?”
“Just a little.” Parker answered.
“Sure tastes like it has a lot.” She replied over the roaring music.
“Buffy, relax. I’m not gonna get you drunk. I promise.” He said.
She smiled and continued to tap her foot to the beat, taking another sip. After a few sips it didn’t sting that much.
~+~
She swayed her body to the beat, arms raised in the air, her head tossing from one side to the other, her hair accompanying the motion. Somehow, in the space of… – ‘how long has it been since we got here?’ She wondered – she had gone from quiet chit-chatting on the couch with Parker to full blown hip-swinging girl on the table.
‘Right next to crazy naked guy.’ She thought, looking down with a frown.
Narrowing her eyes, she tried to find a familiar face. When she failed to achieve her goal she felt a pang of fear in her chest and her heart started racing. She stopped dancing immediately, turning around and fumbling over which side of the table to use to get down. Just as her stomach started to turn and heart seemed to want to jump out of her mouth she felt a strong hand on her calf. She jumped up and turned to find Parker looking up at her.
“There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.”
She sighed in relief.
‘Thank God.’ She thought, kneeling down. Taking his helping hand she was able to get off the table.
“Where were you?” He asked as she flung her arms around him. “I thought I’d lost you back there.”
“Thank God, you’re here.” She breathed, clinging onto him as balance seemed to be a major task at the moment.
“It’s ok. Relax. What happened?” He asked.
“I don’t know.” She replied with a deep frown, finally releasing him from her embrace but keeping her hand on his shoulder for steadiness. “How long have we been here?” She asked, swallowing hard, sitting on a nearby chair.
“About two hours.” He replied. “I lost track of you half an hour ago when you went to the bathroom.”
“Oh.” She mumbled a little nauseated. This whole thing was starting to freak her out.
“Are you ok?”
“I don’t think so.” She said weakly. “I better go home.”
“You sure?”
She nodded.
“Ok. I’ll drive you home.” He offered sympathetically.
She forced a simile on her face as he helped her up, wrapping her arm around his neck and making their way across the crowded place.
~+~
The drive home helped her get herself back together. Slowly, the ability to focus her eyes on an object seemed to return, along with the talent to articulate full sentences without stuttering or loosing her train of thought. Even bits and pieces of the evening began to flash back into her mind. She remembered sitting by the pool talking to Parker, her legs dangling over the edge, her feet submerged in the cold water.
‘I guess that’s why my jeans are kinda wet.’ She thought. ‘Thanks God.’ She didn’t really wanna think of the alternative explanation she had come up with.
She was pretty sure that she was sober during that time. They had talked about school… and her new job… her mom and his father’s death. It had been nice.
‘I think.’
She struggled to remember more, but was snapped out of her thoughts when the car door opened and she realised they had come to a stop, right in front of her apartment.
“Thanks.” She breathed, stepping out of the car with his aid. “I think I’m able to walk again.” She joked releasing his hand.
“Are you sure?”
“U-huh.” She nodded.
They stood in front of her door, an uncomfortable silence settling between them, until he broke it.
“Well, I better-“
“Do you want to come up?” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself.
He chuckled at the awkward moment but nodded. She smiled, reaching for the keys and opening the door. The two stepped inside and called the elevator.
As they entered the apartment, she turned on the lights and tossed the keys onto the kitchen counter.
“Do you want something to drink?” She asked while her mind wondered just what the hell she was doing.
“What do you have?”
She opened the refrigerator.
“Milk…. Apple juice…” She responded automatically while her brain continued to ponder the situation she found herself in.
A part of her pulled her back, begging her to just say her goodnights and go to bed… alone, but the other… It had been so long since she’d had somebody – four long months, three of which anguishing over her mother’s well being. Now that she thought about it, it was probably the tumour that took her mind off her own emotions. While she worried over her mother she didn’t have time. All she thought about was taking her mother in and out of hospitals, taking care of Dawn, cleaning the house, making sure that dinner was ready. She had a heavy routine that kept her busy. Not that she wasn’t busy now. She had work and school to worry about, but it was nothing compared to that hellish summer. That hellish summer that kept her safe from her own needs. But now…
“Apple juice sounds good.”
Parker’s reply brought her back to reality.
“Apple juice it is.” She said picking up the container. “Damn.”
“What?”
“We’re out of apple juice.” She said waiving the container in the air. “Sorry. Harmony has the habit of drinking the juice and leaving the container in the fridge. I hate that.” She growled, throwing the carton in the garbage.
“It’s ok. I’m not thirsty.” He replied with a smile.
There was the silence again – the God awful, chest tightening silence.
“Wanna watch TV?” She blurted.
“Sure.”
The two moved over to the couch and she turned on the TV set, handing him the remote, while she picked up the TV guide.
“I’ll see if there are any good movies tonight.”
He nodded and his eyes went back to the flickering screen.
As she turned the pages she heard her mind ask once again what she was doing. She didn’t know. She was on auto-pilot, she guessed.
Parker was nice, and funny. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. ‘And sweet.’ She added in her thoughts.
Truth was she was tired of being alone. Tired of pining over… She shook her head as her mind strayed to dangerous territory. She couldn’t think of Angel. Not now. It still hurt and all she wanted was to forget and get on with her life. She just wanted to go on and maybe Parker would help her do that.
She was tired of always rationalizing everything, of keeping everyone at bay, thinking she was keeping herself safe when in reality all she was doing was isolating herself.
She flipped the pages and thought of Xander and Anya. They seemed so happy together. Always fighting and making up, but always there for one another. She wanted that, she needed to have that… again. And maybe Parker was the one who was going to give her that much needed complicity.
Sure, they were still a little uneasy with each other, there were still those awkward moments of silence, but that was normal, right? They still didn’t know each other all that well.
“Find anything?” He asked.
“Huh? Oh! No, nothing yet.” She shook her head, burying her gaze between the pages of the TV guide.
She felt so confused and the alcohol still making its way through her system wasn’t helping at all. She wasn’t drunk anymore, but she still felt kinda… light-headed.
A voice in her mind screamed at her to just push him away, like it always did with every man that tried to get close. She pushed it back, setting the TV guide on the table.
“They’re showing Casablanca on channel 6.” She replied, sitting back.
“Casablanca it is.” He smiled changing the channel.
The two sat still, waiting for the movie to come on.
Buffy’s mind raced as she slowly, inched her body closer to his. She was about to set her hand on his thigh when she suddenly stood up, causing Parker to jump up a bit.
“I’ll make some popcorn.” She announced, nervously making her way into the kitchen.
‘What am I doing? What am I doing?’ She asked herself over and over again as she automatically went over the process of making microwave popcorn. ‘I’m being free. That’s what I’m doing. I’m in college now, I shouldn’t be afraid of this. It’s normal. Sex is normal. It’s not such a huge deal. I have the right to have fun and not feel guilty or afraid.’ She rationalized when her heart started to gallop.
In a few minutes she was back on the couch, bowl of popcorn in hand. She rested the bowl on her lap and they stared at the screen as the movie came on.
Her eyes were focused on the flickering images, but she didn’t see or hear anything, as the mental discussion continued.
‘Just do it already.’ She ordered herself. ‘Just do it. This is not wrong. It’s not wrong.’
Gradually, she coached herself into a semi-relaxed state of mind and her hand came to rest on his knee. She felt the muscle tighten underneath and he turned to look at her. She forced a nervous smile on her face while he simply looked at her.
‘Do it.’
Before her mind could finish issuing the order, her lips were pressed against his. It was an awkward kiss that seemed to take him a little off guard.
‘That was nice.’ She told herself, even though in the back of her mind she still wondered where the butterflies were.
She didn’t remember ever having kissed a boy and not having her stomach turn in that frighteningly delicious way. Well, except for Mathew Sternberg in the fifth grade. But he was just disgusting and it had been a dare. With Angel, every single kiss had left her breathless and giggling hysterically inside, no matter how innocent the kiss.
Before she could finish her mental dissertation, Parker was kissing her again. His hand was hooked under her left ear bringing her mouth closer to his.
‘Better.’ She tried to persuade herself as she parted her lips and deepened the kiss, bringing her body closer to his.
Soon, she was straddling his lap, his hands at her hips, hers slipping under his shirt.
“Are you sure?” He asked, pulling away from her for a second.
‘No.’
“Yes.” She breathed, leaning in to kiss him again.
They moved against each other, her fingers weaved into his hair while his worked on the buttons of her shirt, dismissing it to the floor once it came undone and concentrating on her tanktop. It didn’t stay on her body for too long though, it took only a couple of minutes for the top, along with his own shirt and belt to be flipped over the back of the couch.
Buffy felt a slight knot in her throat as he buried his face between her breasts; nibbling at the tender flesh there, while his hands worked on undoing her bra.
She froze when she heard the clasp snap open. He didn’t seem to realise the way her body had suddenly tensed up, but as she brought her arms against her sides, not allowing him to slide the bra off her he stopped and looked up at her.
“Is everything ok?” He asked.
She hesitated and eventually stuttered:
“Yeah, e-everything’s fine.”
“If you want to stop, it’s ok.” He assured her.
She smiled, feeling a little relieved.
“I don’t want to stop.” She breathed. “Can we just go to my bedroom?”
“Sure.” He smiled as she stood up, holding the bra against her chest with one hand and holding the other one out to him.
He took it and the two walked towards the corridor, leaving the discarded clothes and flickering TV behind.