A Small Boat on the Ocean

56. The morning of the fight with the hitchhikers

Alarms filled the darkness, and as everyone roused abruptly, Spike flipped on the lamp on his side of the bed. I squinted in the sudden brightness as Spike examined his phone and climbed out of bed.  

“What? What?” Dawn was fumbling with her phone across the room where she’d slept on a cot that we’d requested from the front desk.

Willow and Oz were bleary-eyed on the sofa pull-out bed. We’d all decided to sleep in one room. There was comfort in that and reminded me fondly of long-ago slumber parties with Willow and Xander.

“They need our help at the portal,” Spike announced to the room as he tugged on his boots.

“I thought the portal was closed,” Dawn said in confusion. “I thought I closed it.”

“There’s a weak spot for a while,” Willow clarified.

“Oh. Damn.” She rubbed an eye before running fingers through her short hair. She looked half-surprised the length wasn’t there anymore. I made a mental note to ask her about what happened soon. Maybe when I took her to the salon and for coffee after.

“What are monkey demons?” Oz laid his phone to the side as he got out of bed.

“Hitchhikers. Tagalongs.” Spike paced in the small space, seeming jittery with the need to act while the rest of us held him up.

Oh! I knew this one! “They followed the bread crumbs Giles and Kishan laid out for you.”

“Exactly.” Spike paused a moment when I slid to the edge of the bed. He offered a hand to help me to my feet.

Holding fast to him, I made sure he saw the resolve in my eyes. “I’m coming with you.”

His eyes narrowing, Spike exhaled in annoyance, letting go of my hand. “No.” His second emphatic “no” in the space of hours.

“Yes. I’ll stay on the sidelines, but I’m coming.” I couldn’t let all the people I loved out of my sight again. Not yet. Not so soon.

Willow caught my drift and reassured Spike, “I’ll cast a protective barrier around her. She and the baby will be safe as houses.”

“I don’t like it.” I could tell that despite the firmness of his words, he was softening. His eyes gave him away every time.

“Noted,” I said, marking his protest the way I always tried to do nowadays. Long-past me would have totally steamrolled him and maybe even told him to shut up, but I couldn’t do that to him now. I took his hand in mine and waited until he was looking directly into my eyes. “I need to be near you and Dawn.”

He nodded in response, and we all dressed and gathered up weapons before piling into the trucks. Oz and Willow in one, and Spike, Dawn, and me in the other. The drive to the site of the portal was tense. None of us spoke. Luckily, the roads were empty in the small Texas town in the middle of the night, so we drove fast and ignored red lights and stop signs. Spike almost raced past the turnoff because the unmarked dirt road was partially hidden by vegetation. I had to hold onto the door assistance handle because the motion was so jarring. Tree limbs scraped over metal and glass as we entered the forest. The headlights were on bright, but the trees were thick, and I couldn’t see beyond where light touched. I assumed Spike saw more as he continued to drive as fast as he did on the paved city roads. The bumps were rough, and I glanced back to see that my sister was bracing herself on my seat to prevent herself from jerking too much. Willow and Oz fell somewhat behind but not too far.

The site of the battle seemed to take forever to reach, and being stuck with two tense family members only added to the atmosphere of unease. Just when I felt like I couldn’t stand the wait any longer, a large form hurtled through the air toward us, whamming hard into the windshield. Dawn screamed as Spike cursed when the truck tried to jackknife from the hit. A suction-type mouth was glued fast to the glass, and as Spike managed to get the truck back under control, I turned on the truck’s inside lights stared at the creature.

The beast’s dark-colored mouth was wide and large and oozing some sort of liquid that streaked the windshield. The arms and legs were equally long and mammalian, and the torso was covered in thick grey fur.

“W-what is that thing?” Dawn asked between panicky gasps.

“I’m assuming the monkey demons,” I said, much less freaked out than my sister. I’d seen all number of odd ball demons in my day, and nothing surprised me. Dawn had seen a lot, too, but many more in books than on patrol.

“What’s wrong with his mouth?”

I held onto my abdomen, and the baby kicked, nice and firm. Good boy. Momma’s got you. “No idea.”

“Probably some sort of poison or paralyzing fluid,” Spike said as he curved the truck off the path, effectively pinning the creature to the clear surface with a thick tree branch.  

The monkey demon squirmed, limbs flailing and its mouth unlatching with a loud pop as it bellowed in pain.

“Bit, pass up the weapons.” Spike accepted the box and flipped it open between us. He handed me the ax and Dawn a long hunting knife. He kept the sword. Then, he regarded both of us. “Ready?”

Dawn looked a bit pale, but she gripped the handle of her weapon, steel in her eyes. “Yep.”

“As always,” I said.

Willow and Oz screeched to a halt to our left, and Willow leapt out of the vehicle, magic crackling about her fingers. Spike jerked open the door, and I slid out behind him. Spike gave Willow a nod, and she cast a spell over me, a green arc of magic sliding over my head and around my body and the soft swell of my baby bump in a gentle, warm wave.

I grinned. “Thanks.”

Spike strode around the front end of the truck, jumped up on the hood without a sound, and sliced off the demon’s head. It landed with a soft thump on the ground. Then, we ran toward the clearing where the fray was loud with grunts, the pounding of punches being thrown, monkey calls, and screams of agony.

The clearing was lit by a campfire burning in the middle and nothing else. My eyes adjusting to the darkness and the sting of smoke from the fire, I made out the fast-moving silhouettes of humanoid figures swinging and fighting with what looked like what I estimated to be about forty monkey demons of various shapes and sizes. Unmoving forms of fallen monkey demons littered the ground, one of which was on fire, the flames licking at what looked vaguely like a giant fluffy coat.

Dawn hovered at my right, and at my left, I heard Willow murmuring a quick spell. As soon as the last word passed through her lips, she flicked her wrist, and hundreds of tiny green lights flitted up into the tree branches and grew into a large emerald blanket of radiance that lit the whole clearing.

Spike and Oz were already in the fray and tangling with their own monkey demons, and Willow moved past me to join them, casting spells with concentrated intention.

Dawn swung her knife at a monkey demon that flew at her head. My sister missed because the creature quickly ducked and spun back toward her. Following my Slayer instincts, I pulled her aside, arced my ax and sank the blade into her attacker’s chest. The monkey didn’t make a sound.

As I jerked the ax free and the carcass thumped to the ground, Dawn nudged me and shouted, “Look!”

I followed her gaze, but before I could say anything or make sense of what she was trying to show me, my sister was off and running.

“Damn it.” I dashed after her, giving myself a slower start than I was used to with the baby.

Squatting to the earth, I dodged a monkey demon, who crashed hard into a tree trunk, and Carrie came out nowhere, tackling another who was gunning for Dawn. Although the other fighters seemed to be moving all around the wide clearing, Hana seemed to be guarding one location and was fending off multiple monkey demons. When I got closer, I saw why.

Giles was slumped against a tree, one sneaker ripped off his foot and his shorts torn. Kishan was crouched next to him and was tending to a bright red, round wound on his thigh. Liz was sprawled out unconscious next to Giles, a twin wound high on her chest. Girlfriend was sitting on high alert and growled as Dawn and I closed in.

“What’s going on?” I shouted at Kishan.

He glanced up at me and Dawn. “Those monkey demons. They came through in the middle of the night. Giles and Liz were on watch. They barely alerted us before they were both attacked. They’re some sort of vampire monkeys. Only with suction cup mouths. Carrie and Hana managed to pry the demons off before Giles and Liz were killed, but they’re unconscious. Thinking it’s some sort of poison. Been trying to tend to them, but it’s been hard.”

“I can imagine. What can we do? I’m sidelined.”

Kishan held up the first aid kit. “You handy with these?”

Was that even a question? Slayer here. “Yep.”

“Hana needs some assistance. The monkeys seem to see our fallen comrades as easy targets.”

“Um, understatement!” Hana shouted as she kicked a monkey demon back before head-butting one to her right and then sliding her sword through the gut of a third who slowly slid to the ground, still trying to latch onto her ankle. She tugged her weapon free, pulled the creature up by the scruff of the neck, and reinserted the metal through the monkey’s eye.

Kishan retrieved a weapon, and Dawn took the bag from him, which left us to the injured Slayer and Watcher. Dawn and I exchanged glances, and I propped my ax against the nearby tree. With the sounds of the fight raging all around us, I knelt in the dirt next to my Watcher’s unmoving form. My belly covered half of my thighs, and the baby nudged me while I examined Giles in the green light. His wound was washed and covered in some sort of ointment and only needed a bandage. I rummaged around in the unorganized bag, pulling out sealed pouches until I found one that appeared to be the right size.

Looking up at Dawn who was going back and forth between watching me and keeping an eye out, I caught her attention and handed her the bandage. Pushing myself up more slowly than I would have liked and trading places with my sister, I turned my attention to Liz and Girlfriend.

Girlfriend growled again as I approached her, her teeth bared and her eyes fierce with fear and protectiveness.

I put a slow hand out for her to sniff. “Hey. You remember me, right? You found me at the Hellmouth.”

Girlfriend watched me like a hawk and delicately smelled my fingers. As soon as she caught my scent, her tail started thumping, and she pushed her long nose under my palm. I rubbed the soft fur before walking past her.

“I owe you a steak or something equally delicious,” I said loud enough for Girlfriend to hear as I resumed my kneeling position next to Liz. “Maybe some ketchup? Liz said you like that.”

Girlfriend made a little whining sound before turning back around and standing guard over both of us.

Liz’s wound was round like Giles’s but bright, scarlet red and raised. She was also lying in an awkward position next to a thick tree trunk, and I couldn’t reach the injury, not with this darned baby bump. “Dawn!”

Dawn had finished with Giles and was keeping an eye out for danger with Girlfriend, but she glanced back. “Yeah?”

“Help me move Liz.”

Between the two of us, we rearranged the unmoving Slayer. Then, I found the ointment that Kishan had thrown uncapped back into the bag. Using some clean gauze, I blotted the ointment onto the injury.

As I worked, Liz roused, winced, and then squinted her brown eyes at me. “W-what’s happening?” She lifted her head a fraction and then fell back down. “Damn. I’m dizzy. What’s that on my chest?”

“Monkey demons came through the portal, following the bread crumbs that Kishan and Giles sent out.” I continued applying the medicine.

“Oh yeah. They have totally crazy mouths. And with the suckage. I swear I felt like my life was draining away.” She closed her eyes. “Like monkey vampires.”

I snorted. “Creepy monkey vampires.”

She emitted a feeble laugh, putting her hand to her forehead and slitting her eyes again. “Y-yeah. Why’s everything so green?”

Ripping open a clean bandage, I applied it to her chest. “Willow. It was too dark, and there are a lot of demons. Your dog has been guarding you.”

Liz glanced at Girlfriend who was nosing around my elbow, eager to get to her person. “She’s the best. Good dog.”

Girlfriend emitted a soft bark.

“She is. I’m going to help Hana now.”

Liz drew a deep breath and pushed up on her elbows. After only a moment, she reached for her boot and unsheathed a wicked sharp-looking blade. “W-we’ll be good.”

As I resumed standing and brandished my ax, I glimpsed Xander and Angel tag-teaming with four or five monkey demons, Spike gouging a monkey demon of his own, Kishan and Hana barreling after two or three trying to rush off into the darkness, and Carrie dancing around the fire with a huge flaming stick in one hand and a weapon in the other. Willow was zapping monkey demons in the butt and herding them toward Illyria who stood wide-legged and caught them in her arms, breaking their necks with little effort. There seemed to be fewer living foes in sight and many more corpses.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a form flying at my sister who was guarding Giles. Leaping with only a little inelegance in her direction, I whacked a demon monkey’s head off.

57. The night on the road home

I’ve never been on a more awkward car ride.

Spike was in the driver’s seat in our Civic, the headlights lighting our way down Interstate 10, his music playing softly in the background. I was in the seat next to him like normal with his hand on my thigh. No matter how many road trips I took with him, I never tired of just being next to him. I once heard somewhere that if you can do a road trip with the person you love, it’s the sign of a good relationship.

Only problem was that on this road trip, we had two unwelcome passengers behind us.

Illyria was slumped to one side, her eyes closed tight and her breathing slow and steady. I couldn’t tell if she was asleep or just resting her eyes because her hair was half over her face. Angel was behind Spike, his tall form squashed up, his knees spread wide. He stared glumly out the window into the night.

After the last remaining monkey demons had surrendered, we had discovered that they spoke broken English in guttural intonations. They had begged to be sent back the way they came. While Hana and Carrie guarded them, the rest of us had convened and agreed to show mercy, especially since Liz and Giles were alive. Giles had woken up but was still weak while Liz was bouncing back much more quickly. She was a Slayer after all. Consensus reached, Dawn had then opened a small gateway, and just like that, the monkey demons were gone albeit with much fewer numbers.

We’d all collapsed back at the Comfort Suites, and after several hours of solid sleep, Spike and I had decided to take Angel and Illyria in our car back to New Orleans after dropping Hana off in Beaumont. The plan had been to have some sort of conversation with them, but so far, they hadn’t been cooperating.

I mentally tabulated how long it would take to get back home and sighed.

Spike turned his head a half-turn, arching an eyebrow. “What’s going on, love?”

“I need to stretch. And pee.”

He ran his hand over the swell of my abdomen. So far, he’d not been too over the top with rubbing it in Angel’s face, but by the glint in his eyes, I could tell he was loving every second of Angel bearing witness to us. “The little one bouncing on your bladder?”

I laughed. “Not quite yet, but I’m sure that’s coming. I know you think I’m huge now, but I’m – the baby’s going to get bigger. A lot bigger. I’m barely in the third trimester, you know.”

“I don’t mind that. I hope you know,” Spike said in a serious tone, adoration in his expression.

“I know.” He really loved me, and I wasn’t taking that for granted.

A bright blue sign swept by, and my mind registered something familiar.

I sat forward. “This exit!”

Spike didn’t say a word and pulled off the highway.

“There. We’re going there.” I pointed at the yellow roof and glowing Waffle House sign.

Spike shook his head, a grin spreading across his face as he guided the Civic into the parking lot. Once the car was parked, he cut the engine, and ignoring Angel and Illyria, he clambered out, slammed the door, and hurried around to open my car door for me. I had already opened my door and was halfway out when he offered me his hand, obviously putting on a show for Angel. He never opened the car door for me, mostly because I didn’t let him.

Half-smiling, I rolled my eyes at Spike’s display and placed my hand in his. “Is this a date?” I teased, an echo of Spike’s woe-begotten attempt at chivalry from long ago.

He winked at me, a little too much glee in his eyes. “Maybe.”

I pushed myself out of the car and pushed my fingers between his. “In that case, I accept.”

Illyria opened her door next, and instead of the blue god, out stepped a slender woman with dark brown waves, soft doe eyes, and a shy smile. “Waffle House,” she said, her accent light and Southern. “My favorite.”

Spike was gentle with her. “I know, Blue. You told us many times.”

“Why do you like it so much?” I asked, somehow emboldened by her new appearance. I still wasn’t sure what to expect from the god now that her body was stable and she contained a bit of Fred inside. She seemed definitively more human in this guise, but I wasn’t sure if that was how she always was as Fred.

She shrugged one shoulder as Angel climbed out of the backseat. “My parents always took me when I was younger. Every Sunday morning after church. My mom and I always split the pecan waffle, and we’d get a huge order of bacon to share.”

“I didn’t know that was why,” Angel said quietly, appearing at her elbow. “You never told me.”

Eyes sliding his direction, Illyria pressed her lips together, the corners of her mouth still slightly lifted. Hugging her elbows, she said, “You never asked.”

“That explains the selfies,” Spike noted.

She nodded. “Made me feel closer to them when things were. . . what’s the word? Wonky.”

“I get that,” I said, thinking of all the times that I pulled out my baby book and traced the loops of my mother’s writing. Dawn and I had each chosen special belongings to tuck in our bags before Sunnydale was destroyed. I’d taken our baby books, the photos off my bulletin board, and Mr. Gordo. My sister had taken the biggest photo album from the shelf in the living room, stuffing in random photos from the other albums so that they were in haphazard order –  kindergarten pictures next to photos from our move to Sunnydale to start a new life. My baby book was one of the only things I had left of our mother.

“You do?” Illyria’s tone highlighted her surprise.

I nodded. “I lost my mom when I was barely out of high school.”

“The way I lost Wesley.” Her eyes misted over.

I glanced at Spike, and he added, “Fred and Wesley. They were starting something just before. . .” He trailed off and glanced at Angel.

Something passed between Spike and Angel. . . something like a shared memory of loss or comradeship, but then, Angel scowled and turned his head away from all of us. Putting his hands on his hips, he said, almost petulantly, “Are we going inside? I thought Buffy had to use the bathroom.”

My full bladder declared its presence. “I do.”

“I’m hungry,” Illyria announced.  

“C’mon, love,” Spike said to me, heading toward the door and tugging me by the hand.

I followed without hesitation and then entered the restaurant as Spike held the door for me. This he usually did, but he managed to do so in a half-grandiose way that again reminded me of his first attempt at a date. This time, I didn’t roll my eyes but instead grabbed the front of his shirt, pulled him slightly forward, and planted a gentle kiss on his lips, which parted just slightly in surprise. I left him smirking behind me as I entered the Waffle House, the chilly rush of Southern central air conditioning rolling in delicious waves over my skin.

After my bladder was relieved, I washed my hands and sent Dawn a quick text. “You ok?” My sister was riding back with Willow, Oz, Xander, and Carrie. Giles, Kishan, Liz, and Girlfriend were taking the other truck, and the Watchers were likely doing. . . Watcher-y stuff. Poor Liz.

The three dots of her return typing appeared almost as soon as I pushed send. “All’s well. We haven’t stopped at any Waffle Houses. Thank god. Xander made me try fresh cracklins. SO delicious. Melted in my mouth. I can’t believe I didn’t try them at Christmas.” A pause and then, “You and Spike ok?”

“As we can be. Most-awkward-car-ride blue ribbon winner here. Yay me! About to do the thing.”

Another guest pushed her way into the bathroom, and I took one last look at my face in the mirror, smoothing down my hair and pressing my lips together to spread out the leftover lip gloss.

With a sigh, I peeked at my phone one last time to see Dawn’s spirited “Good luck!!!” Then, I pushed my way back into the restaurant proper. My fellow car riders were tucked into a booth on the far side of the dining space. Angel was up against the window with Illyria-disguised-as-Fred sitting next to him, her feet crossed at the ankle. When I approached, Spike slid over, and I eased down, careful to not hit my abdomen. Spike’s hand found my leg in no time. I resisted the urge to cuddle up close to him. I wanted our conversation to be heard and not dismissed because Angel was too distracted.

“So. . .” I started lamely.

The young waitress appeared as I trailed off, plunking down waters for everyone. “Would y’all like something to drink while y’all look at the menu?”

Just noticing the plastic-covered menus with pictures of food, I said, “A coffee would be nice.” Spike shot me a look, and I reassured him, “I haven’t had caffeine all day.” I didn’t say that I wanted to be alert.

“I already know my order.” Fred-Illyria smiled up at our waitress, her voice almost a little too perky. “I’ll have the pecan waffle, an order of bacon, and a coffee, too. Make the bacon extra crispy. Please.” She passed over her menu with a wide smile.

Angel didn’t make eye contact with anyone. “I’ll take the same.”

“Love?” Spike asked me.

My stomach felt hollower than I thought it should be. “The same here.”

Spike gathered up the remaining menus. “Looks like the same all around.”

Tucking the pencil behind her ear, the waitress read off her notes. “So, four pecan waffles, four orders of bacon, and four coffees?” She gave us a once over. “Let me guess. Separate checks for the two couples?”

“Yep,” Spike verified, squeezing my leg.

Angel stared out the window and then down again.

The waitress returned Spike’s grin. “Well, y’all are easy. It’ll be right out.”

“Thanks!” Illyria chirped.

As soon as the waitress was gone, I decided to jump in. Better for me to start this little discussion. “So, Spike and I have something to discuss with you.” I made sure to make eye contact with Angel’s forehead.

He lifted his head enough, so I could see the hurt in his brown eyes – brown eyes I used to love diving into. “Me?”

“Yeah, you.” Spike’s tone was hard, but when I put my hand atop his forearm, he amended, “We’ve noticed something. The two of us.”

Illyria frowned, her human brow furrowing as she observed everyone’s body language. “What is this about?”

Spike softened. “The grandsire and I have some unfinished business. Nothing to do with you, Blue.” It was the second time I’d seen him be so gentle with Illyria, and I realized that like with Willow, there was a connection there that had shifted and changed in the months they were dealing with life-and-death scenarios across dimensions.

“Oh. Okay. Would you like me to step away?” Illyria seemed to be getting cues more easily. I didn’t know if that was a change from before or how she always was when she was acting as Fred.

I found myself reaching out to her. “No. Stay. It’s okay for you to hear it, too.”

Angel sighed. “Is this about Dawn? Because I told you I didn’t know.”

Illyria nodded. “He didn’t know. I hid it from him. He thinks I’m not so tech savvy, but I am more than he realizes. I have Fred’s memories. And now, Fred is a part of me.” She closed her eyes and inhaled from her diaphragm. “If I concentrate, I can feel the part of her she gave me. . . . She steadies me.”

“I’m glad,” I told her when she opened her eyes and smiled at me. Then, I addressed Angel again. “It’s not about Dawn.” I thought about it for a moment, rolling my eyes to the ceiling. “Well, it sort of is but sort of isn’t.”

Spike spoke next. “You bloody well know this is about Buffy.”

I glanced over at him, relieved at the redirection. “Right. It’s about me. And about how you keep trying to split Spike and me up.”

Angel’s jaw dropped open. “But I. . . that’s not what I – ”

I felt Spike tense, and the only thing holding him back from leaping across the table was my touch. “It is what you meant. Just sodding admit it. You became human in hopes of coming into our lives and stealing Buffy away from me. Just like you take everything from me. Always have.”

Angel got defensive. “Oh boohoo, Spike. You know that’s what vampires do. It’s how vampire dynamics have worked since the dawn of time.”

“I’ve been around long enough to know that that’s not true. That’s just some tale you conjured to keep us under your thumb. That’s what it’s always about to you. Spinning the truth and manipulating situations to keep people in line.”

Angel glared. “I don’t do that. And keep your voice down. There are other customers here.”

Spike clenched his teeth, his jaw working. I stepped in again, trying to ease the tension without losing the point we were trying to make. “Look. We both noticed it. You became human, and you waltz back into my life, knowing that I’m pregnant. And you were thinking, what? I’d drop Spike and the baby to run away with you? When Illyria took Dawn, you convinced Spike to go after her and Dawn, so you could play hero with me, but you know what? I saw through all that. Plus, it made sense that Spike would go after my sister. He trusted me to take care of myself. I’m sure that if there hadn’t been a choice to make, he would have been right there with everyone, trying to find me.”

“It was a bloody awful choice,” Spike said with pain etched into his tone. I felt stupid tears coming up, but I pushed them aside and slipped my arm around his arm, hugging him close.

“How did you find the portal spot anyway?” I asked. “I sent you away, and you were just there when we arrived from New Orleans.”

“Of course, he was,” Spike muttered.

“I know you said old-fashioned detective work, but really?”

Angel sighed. “It was. I just followed Illyria’s Instagram photos. And her phone was on again.”

I couldn’t believe it. “You didn’t think that information could have helped us?”

“You said to go away until I knew Spike, Dawn, and Willow were okay.” I could tell that even he knew that was a lame excuse.

Spike snorted. “Fine time to take things literally.”

I made sure that Angel made eye contact with me. “We both care about you, but this has to stop. When you put our lives on the line, we have to put our foot down, especially because we’re about to have a baby.”

“Just why did you decide to have a baby with Spike? It makes no sense.” Angel sat back and waved a hand at Spike without really looking at him. “He’s still a vampire.”

Spike returned the gesture. “Just like you were a vampire when you and Darla had a son.”

Angel lunged forward, his arms folded in the middle of the table. “That wasn’t on purpose. That was a prophecy. You decided to have a kid on purpose. To bring a kid into this life on purpose.” He poked the table with his finger. “That’s irresponsible, Spike. You didn’t think things through. As usual.”

I felt the heat rising to my face but fought to force my voice to stay even. “He thought about it. He thought a long time about it before he decided he wanted to have a baby with me. I had to convince him. It’s been a. . . long journey to get pregnant with our son.”

“Not that that’s any of your business,” Spike tagged on with an edge of irritation in his voice.

The waitress arrived then, somehow oblivious to our conversation. Maybe it was because she was carrying a huge tray of food and drinks. She gingerly lowered the tray and began passing out waffles and bacon. “Watch out. The plates are hot.” The tension was thick, but no one said a word as the food and mugs of coffee were distributed. She passed out silverware, a little caddy with sugar and creamer, and three small dispensers of different syrups. Then, she smiled. “Can I get you anything else?” 

“No,” I said, borrowing her kindness to calm down. “Thank you.”

“Enjoy! I’ll be back to check on you in a little while.” With a little nod of her head, she tucked the tray under her arm and left us.

Everyone was silent for what felt like forever until Illyria brandished her phone with the screen facing us.

Illyria commanded in her god-voice, “Lean in like you like each other. And smile for the selfie.” Though her voice was deep and low, her words sounded like the woman she was pretending to be. Or was? I wasn’t sure.

We did what she ordered us to do. She took five or six shots and began scrolling through them while holding her phone in the middle of the table, so we could all see.

“That’s the one!” Spike pointed to one in which Angel’s right eye was a little squinty, making him seem half-drunk. “I like that one.”

“You would,” Angel said, kicking him under the table.

“Hey! Watch it!” Spike protested.

Angel ignored him. “How about the last one?”

I pouted. “My face is angled funny because Spike tickled me.”

Illyria sighed, back to being totally Fred-like. “The second one is the best of everyone. I’ll post that one.” She sank back. “But later, after we eat and resolve this. . . whatever is going on here.” Unraveling her knife and fork, she spread a paper napkin in her lap.

“I don’t know if it can be,” I admitted. “Resolved.”

Illyria began pouring a huge stream of syrup all over her waffle. When she spoke again, I was still confused about her identity. “It seems to me that you’re family. And family is important. A family is there for each other and doesn’t give up on those individuals who are struggling within the family even if they make mistakes or do foolish things.” She gave Angel a serious look. “You and everyone else taught Fred that after you rescued her from Pylea. And did you both already forget what happened in L.A.? How we almost died fighting for the same cause? It was admittedly a blip in my lifeline, but it was a significant blip.” She cut into her waffle and stuffed a big piece in her mouth, emitting a little sound of satisfaction that was almost orgasmic.

I couldn’t help myself and dug into my waffle after smothering it in syrup.

Spike sighed, dumping some sugar into his coffee as he addressed Angel. “She’s right. You’re family. But that doesn’t mean we want you trying to break us apart. If all of this has taught me anything, it’s reinforced what’s most important in my life. Didn’t you tell me that on your supposed last day on earth, you visited your progeny? Shouldn’t you be with him now?”

“Connor’s in college. He’s in med school at Florida State.” Angel plucked a piece of bacon from his plate. “We text often.”

“You should go visit him,” I suggested, watching Spike doctor my coffee with cream and sugar, no doubt to keep his hands busy.

Illyria swallowed a mouthful of food. “It’s in Tallahassee, right? That’s funny because that’s where my parents moved when they retired a few years ago. They keep inviting me to visit, but I haven’t taken them up on it. I-I think that I might want to go now that. . . everything has happened.”

Angel hesitated and then hugged Illyria’s shoulders. “Maybe we should go for an extended stay.”

“Good idea, mate.” Spike took a sip of coffee. “Look. We want you to be a part of our lives, but on our terms.”

I shared what Spike and I had discussed earlier. “No sending messengers to tell us important life-and-death info, and no skulking in the shadows trying to talk with us separately. If that happens again, we’ll want to meet with you but together.”

Angel stared at us both for a long moment. “All right. I’ll respect that.” He seemed to consider something and asked, “How was it?”

“How was what?” Spike returned the question, still firm in his resolve.

“Seeing Fred again.”

A mixture of sadness and wonder flickered over Spike’s face. “It was a bloody miracle. She was. . . so peaceful. Happy to see me but. . . not exactly resigned.”

“Content,” I said softly. “It’s hard to describe but even that isn’t exactly right.”

“Yeah,” Spike almost whispered. He knew I knew. My fingers found his. He had to know that I was also more than content to be here with him now. We exchanged a smile.

“I’m glad you got to see her, too,” Angel said. “And that she was willing to help Illyria.”

Spike said solemnly, “It’s who she is.”

“I’m glad to have a piece of her inside me,” Illyria repeated as if still adjusting to her new state of being and trying to reassure herself. “It’s. . . comforting.” She frowned.

“What is it, Blue?” Spike asked, blinking away tears.

She tilted her head in a very Illyria way. “Do they have Waffle Houses in Tallahassee? I might want to take my. . . her parents.”

58. Our second night home

I was lounging on the sofa curled up with my favorite pillow and watching one of the latest episodes of Game of Thrones when Spike came into the room. For the first time in a long time, Dawn wasn’t with us. Now that the danger had passed, she was gleefully hanging out at George’s place and trying to get caught up on school-related stuff. Though she’d been gone a month or so in this dimension, six months had passed for her, and she’d grumped that all the stuff she’d been learning she was going to have to re-learn. I, on the other hand, just had to catch up on the DVR.

Spike picked up the remote and flicked the TV off.

“Hey!” I half-heartedly protested, my eyes landing on what was in his hands. “Ooo. My lotion.”

Spike glanced down at the tube. “Like what it’s called. ‘Naked body butter.’” He lifted an eyebrow suggestively at me and gave me a grin.

I pushed up from the sofa and said with indignation, “It’s the only thing that helps.”

“With what, love?” He slid onto the sofa so that he was sitting behind me with his left leg next to mine.

I settled back against him with a sigh. “My belly. The skin is so stretched and so dry and sensitive lately. That,” I tapped the bottle with a finger, “relieves it a little.” That and I’d been moisturizing a lot to prevent stretch marks. Though from what I read, they were genetic and nothing could really be done for prevention. So far, I only had a tiny one on my right hip from early in the pregnancy. Lucky me.

His left hand swept under the curve of my abdomen, sweeping up the soft cotton so that it gathered between my breasts. He skimmed the skin with light fingertips, and I shivered and snuggled closer to him.

“I see. You have a rash.” His breath was gentle over my ear.

“Yeah.” The rash was faint and insistent in its itchiness. At least the itch wasn’t on my palms or soles of my feet. That could indicate something far worse. “I need to call the OB. I’m due to go in anyway. I’m in the third trimester, but I missed the last appointment ‘cause well, I was a little preoccupied.”

Spike flipped open the cap on the lotion and squirted some of the white cream onto his fingers. “Let me know. I’ll come with you.”

“Okay.”

I watched as he tucked the lotion container next to his hip and then rubbed the lotion together before pressing it into my skin. Goosebumps flew over my body, but as he rubbed in gentle circular motions, my body warmed his hands and I relaxed into his touch with a small moan.

“Do you think he can hear me now, pet?” Spike whispered in awe, his lips blowing the wispy hairs near my temple, as he continued to apply the lotion.

“He can, but you have to speak louder than that,” I teased softly. “And I thought you knew this stuff.”

“Wasn’t sure. It’s been a while since I read that part.” Then, with much greater volume, he said, Hello, little nipper.” The baby responded with a shift, a small body pushing against the walls of his living space and against Spike’s hand. “Oh. I felt you. Strong lad.” He placed his palm over the spot of the movement. “I love you.”

I smiled. “You can tell him stories or read to him, I think. Not sure it really does anything like make him smarter or anything, but at least, he’ll learn to recognize you. I mean, his senses are all filled with me, but he should know his Daddy, too.”

“I’ll do that. Maybe before bed. Tell him a bedtime story.” Spike sounded pleased with this idea.

“Nothing too scary. Like with Dawn,” I teased.

“Nothing too scary,” he agreed.

My eyebrows drew together as I thought of something I’d been wanting to ask but hadn’t had time with all the last parts of our journey. “I’ve been thinking.”

His muscles tensed a fraction. “Oh?”

“Hey.” I squeezed his thigh. “Nothing bad.”

Spike breathed in relief.

“It’s just all the stuff that’s happened. Miney. She lost everything. She lost the love of her life. She lost the future she thought she’d have. A career. A family. And then, Angel. He became human. He lost the ability to do all the things a vampire can do.”

“Yeah.” Spike was being patient, his voice low and deep. “What of it?”

I moved slightly sideways as best I could with my new body, so I could see his face and the kindness in his blue eyes. “I worry that you’ve lost a piece of yourself by being with me. In my world.”

He made a face like I was crazy. “You think I’ve lost. I haven’t. I’ve gained more than you can even imagine.”

“But you don’t do any things with more demon-y types.” As I said it, I realized this was true. He’d come so far into my world and the world of my family and friends that he’d lost touch with his own. I turned more fully so that my legs hung over his right one. “You don’t have demon friends. A-and you haven’t been in touch with Angel in years. And after you guys sorta repaired things. You know. . . in L.A.”

“Why is this even a topic of discussion? I have everything I need right here. You. The little one.” He touched my cheek and my belly in succession and with deliberation. “I don’t need anything else.”

“You think so. Now. But I don’t want you to lose that part of you that’s. . . vampire.” I frowned. That didn’t come out the way that I wanted. “I don’t want you to lose that part of you and suddenly wake up one day and wish that you could. . . I don’t know. Go out and play kitten poker and. . . enjoy your winnings.” I made a “yuck” face at the thought.

He laughed. “Kitten blood was never high on my list of delicacies. And I’m a sodding terrible poker player.” He kissed my nose. “You, on the other hand, are all the delicacy I need. After you have our son, of course.”

I bopped his arm at an awkward angle. “You know what I mean. I’m being serious here. It’s okay if you want some demon-y friends, and it’s okay for our son to know his roots. Maybe not taking him for a round of kitten poker right away. . .”

“And I say you’re overthinking it. Didn’t I just get back from a six-month romp across dimensions, fighting baddies to protect Dawn and save Blue from herself? I think that’s more than enough adventure for a while. Though, I’m sure I’ll want to patrol with Em and George soon.”

“Then, maybe we’re too much in it.”

He shook his head at me, good humor making his eyes crinkle at the corners. “What? Are we going the opposite direction now? This isn’t ‘cause of what Angelus said about us thinking it through?”

“No.” I paused. “Maybe a little?”

“Don’t let him get to you, pet. I know he’s good at it; he’s done it to me plenty of times.”

I sighed. “You’re right. But we should talk about it.” I twisted my mouth to the side. “Are we doing the right thing bringing a baby into this life? I know that we’ve sorta thought about this before. But, are we? He’s going to be in danger. I mean, Willow and I talked about how good things have been going and how we were waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Spike looked confused. “When was this conversation?”

“A long time ago. Months ago.” Then, I realized that didn’t really tell him anything. “When she came to visit before we did the transfer.”

“Ah.”

“It doesn’t matter when.” I huffed. “What matters is that the other shoe dropped. Like from the fifty-second floor.”

“Things happen, love. That’s life. We learn from those things. They’d happen whether we were a Slayer and vampire or human parents. We just have different shoes than most people, but we have special abilities to help us deal with them. We’ll have to teach little Samuel here that he’s resilient, and he can make it through. We’ll protect him.” He patted my abdomen. “Your Watcher is human. Xander is human. They’ve survived.”

“Good points.” Then, my “yuck” face made another appearance. “Um, no way in hell is our kid going to be named Samuel.”

“So, that’s a ‘no’ for Sammy then. How about Richard or Bartholomew?”

“Let’s see.” I pretended to consider these names by rolling my eyes to the ceiling and tapping on my chin. “Too much bad nickname potential. So, no and no. To both.”

He stuck out his bottom lip just enough to make me want to kiss him until he said, “Well, I nix Randy.”

“Oh, man. That was at the top of my list.” I smiled fondly at the memory of Spike thinking Giles was his father and had named him Randy.

“Let’s argue names later. More importantly, what’s going on with your ankle?” Spike nodded toward my left ankle.

I lifted my bare foot in the air. “Huh. It’s a little swollen. I’ll ask the OB. My guess? Welcome to third-trimester swelling.”

“Swelling means you should be off your feet. Ergo, no patrolling or work of any sort where you have to be on your feet for long periods.” Bossy, protective Spike was back. Oh, how I missed him.

I leaned onto his chest. “I’m going to go batty doing nothing. You don’t know what it was like waiting every day in the forest and not being able to do a thing while everyone else did research or tai chi with Angel. Oh, wait. Maybe you do. Almost forgot about our period of house arrest. And the time you stole my boots. And the chip. . . and being a ghost.”

Spike didn’t take the bait with my mention of Angel or my still missing shoes, etc. “You can nest. Isn’t that what pregnant birds do?”

I eyed him incredulously. “Do you even know what that means?”

“Of course, I bloody well do. I’m almost up to date on my reading. Had to catch up, but I’m getting there.” He sounded a tad indignant, which was kinda cute. I’d seen the copy of “What to Expect” on his nightstand.

“Well, it’s supposed to be a feeling, right?” I scanned my body and mind. “I don’t feel a thing. Except maybe tired.”

“I could carry you to bed. It’s past your bedtime.” He made a move to hoist me into his arms in preparation to put his words into action.

“Oh, I have a bedtime now, too?”

“Yep.”

I sighed. “You know insomnia comes in the third trimester sometimes. How are you going to enforce it then?”

“I’ll figure out a way,” he said with certainty. If anyone could figure out how to conquer a bodily process, he could.

I put my arms around his neck, and he picked me up without a complaint. “Fine.” I kissed him gently on the lips. “I love you.”

“Love you, too, pet.”

Seconds later, I was tucked into our bed, and he brought me a glass of water, my prenatal, and Zantac. I was also using an over the counter nasal spray to help with my stuffed-up pregnancy nose. As I washed down the vitamin and pill and squirted medicine into my nose, he climbed into bed next to me. After I switched off the lamp and cuddled up next to him on my side, he was quiet for several seconds.

Then, he said, “What am I gonna do about work?”

We’d been so busy wrapping things up with the Illyria situation and the foiled prophecy that we hadn’t talked much about practicalities – like work. Giles had already informed us both that we’d be getting bonus pay for the mess we’d dealt with – a new Slayer perk. So, we weren’t worried about the bills per se. “Oh! I forgot to mention that on our way out of town, I called the bar. Alex answered and handed off the phone to your boss. They both think you’ve been taking care of me due to. . . complications.”

“By that, I assume you mean complications with the pregnancy,” Spike said in relief.

“Yeah. Your boss didn’t question it. But I am surprised he didn’t ask to talk with you.” I laced my fingers with his, which were hanging over my belly.

“He and I have an understanding,” Spike said. “I think it’s New Orleans. There are a lot of occurrences that are overlooked as part of the culture here.”

“Like Sunnydale.”

“Not exactly, love. More like, they know, but they don’t need to know all the details. Alex figured it out right away. We work with a lot of bottles and glasses with reflective surfaces, and I didn’t show up in any of them. She wasn’t upset. She and I like to one-up each other with tales. I wouldn’t be surprised if Crystal knows something, too.”

I considered this. “No way. She wouldn’t let Leah stay with us so much.”

“Maybe.” I could tell he had his doubts.

“Speaking of Leah, she’s coming over next Friday. You okay with that? I thought we could tell her about the baby.”

“Think she’ll be jealous?” Spike would, of course, worry about that.

“You don’t want her to feel like we’re going to replace her?”

He drew me closer, his legs going up behind mine. “Yeah.”

I reassured him, “Including her will really help, and remember, she has a sibling, so she’s done this before.”

“Right.” A few heartbeats passed. “I’ve thought about moving.”

“Into a bigger house?” We so needed more space, maybe a nursery. Was that nesting? Somehow, I didn’t think so. Plus, how would we afford it?

“Well, yeah. That for sure, but no, away from New Orleans.”

“What? Why?” I couldn’t fathom this. Our jobs were here. Our friends were here. We had a life built in the Crescent City with its movable mini-Hellmouth, delicious food, and pack of Slayers and Watchers.

“Before you got getting your panties in a bunch, I was thinking about it, not actually planning anything without you. And I thought it’d be nice for you to live closer to your friends.”

“We are close to friends,” I insisted, trying to relax but failing. “Mutual friends.”

He sighed, and I let him spell it out for me. “No, love. The witch, the boy, and the wolf. They’ve been there for you.”

“Oh.” I couldn’t picture myself settling in Norfolk or Falls Church. There was something gritty and old and exciting about New Orleans.

“You wouldn’t want to?” He sounded uncertain.

“Spike.” I wanted to turn over to face him, but the baby bump made it awkward.

“What?” Now, he just sounded a little scared.

“You are my person, remember? You’ve been there for me. I don’t want it any other way.”

“Oh.” Why did he still worry? Would he always?

I didn’t mind reassuring him. “And we’ve built our life here. For a long time now. Barring a second hurricane washing us away, I don’t want to leave. Maybe when Alex is old enough to go to school, and we can’t afford private school.” The schools in parts of New Orleans weren’t known to be the best.

“No.”

“No, what?” I giggled.

“No to Alex.”

“Why ‘no’?”

“Because it’s a short version of Alexander, which is Harris’s given name. No.”

I carried my name choice a bit further. “But it means ‘helper of mankind.’ Nice strong meaning.”

“Not gonna name my son after Xander, and since when have you been researching baby names? We’re supposed to do that together.”

Google was the gateway to a virtual rabbit hole of information about pregnancy and baby names and what products babies needed, especially when I had nothing to do for two months and felt helpless. “Same way we’re reading the ‘What to Expect’ book together?”

“Hey. That’s your choice. You could read it anytime. It’s right here.” He reached back for the book and tucked it by my pillow.

“That’s okay. That’s what I have you for. Read and report.”

He snorted. Then, he changed the direction of the conversation. “What am I gonna tell Shane?”

“About what?”

Spike had been regularly texting Shane since Norfolk, and now, there was a gap in their communication.

“About where we’ve been, what’s been happening.”

I stroked the back of his forearm with my free hand. “I think we should tell him the truth. We told him everything before when we were asking for his sperm. Why should we stop now? We’re not going to be like Angel because secrecy and half-information aren’t going to keep Shane and Charlotte safe. Besides, if we leave out stuff, we’d have to tell Xander and Carrie to leave out stuff. It could get way complicated way fast.”

“I agree. Okay then. Not in a text though. I think I’d get right pissed trying to type all that.”

“Definitely phone. Less confusing, too.” I moved my legs away from his, my skin rustling on the sheets. “Hot. I’m hot.”

“Of course, you are, love,” he goaded, drawing his legs closer to mine again.

I pushed his arm off me. Even his vampire room-temperature-ness wasn’t cool enough for me. “No offense, but George is making me sweat.”

Spike rolled over to give me space. “George? No.”

I threw off the covers, welcoming the cool blast of air conditioning. “Why not?”

“No. For one, the Watcher’s name is George.”

“Are you going to say ‘no’ to every name I say?”

“Pot. Kettle.” He chuckled. “And maybe.”

59. The day Aunt Dawn and I went to the salon

After a week or so had passed since our return to New Orleans, I finally dragged Dawn away from her studies for some sisterly bonding time. She needed a proper haircut, and her attempts to trim the jagged strands into something reasonably straight had been a massive fail. It reminded me a bit of the time I’d chopped all my hair off in response to Spike calling me “Goldilocks.” Dawn and I were apparently not destined to be cosmetologists.

Her hair was cut into a cute bob now with some blue highlights in honor of her adventures with Illyria (and partly with Katie’s pre-appointment encouragement).

We were sitting in giant salon chairs getting pedicures while the latest action movie played on mute on a giant TV screen in front of us. With some sadness, I realized that I couldn’t use the massage feature on the chair due to being pregnant. Dawn, of course, set hers to deep tissue massage right away, and the motor asserted itself softly in the background.

In an effort to start a conversation since our pedicurists were either chattering away to each other or silent, I asked, “So, are you ever going to tell me what happened to your hair? And your face?”

Dawn’s cut was healing well but was still a dark slash on her cheek. I wished the monks had thought to give my sister some of my Slayer healing powers. That would only have made sense with Glory on her tail, but I guess super strength and healing abilities would have also made my sister stick out like a sore thumb.

Finding a button that tilted the seat back, she smiled with glee and pushed it, closing her eyes. “No. You don’t want to know.”

“But I do.” I was curious. What trouble had my sister been in that she had chopped off the long hair she took such pride in and with such obvious haste?

“If asking me at your house doesn’t get you anywhere, how is asking me here in public going to help?” She’d told me more about being confident in her new abilities and how she wanted to work with Willow to continue honing them, but she’d left out the little details of how she got injured even in the rendition she told Giles. She lifted her head, widened her eyes, and bobbed her head ever so slightly to the right. “Audience.”

“It was something dangerous, wasn’t it?” I pressed. Big sis could also play the annoying-sister game.

“Yep.” Dawn closed her eyes and leaned back again as the woman doing her pedicure began massaging her right foot.

“Life threatening?” I added.

The man doing my pedicure ran his fingers down my calf, and I hoped he didn’t notice just how swollen my left ankle was. My son had positioned himself curled up with his head down, his bottom on the left, knees on the right, and feet in my ribcage. The pressure from his body in the small space of my womb was doing something to make me swell or so said my OB. I was supposed to keep my feet up, but that wasn’t always possible.

“Uh huh.” A heartbeat passed, and Dawn turned her head to look at me through one open eye. “But please don’t worry. We protected each other.”

“Spike?” I knew he did, but I was curious and feeling a little bit like my mom when she used to casually ask me questions that she wanted to know the answer to but also kind of didn’t. I, of course, hadn’t answered my mom’s queries most of the time.

“All of us. Illyria, Willow, Spike, and me. We had each other’s backs. That particular time, I got myself free. Thank god for sharp objects. Then, Spike broke. . .” She stopped herself. “He got rid of the creature hurting me. I didn’t even cry about my hair, and I got us out of there. It wasn’t a nice. . . place.” She was referring to one of the dimensions.

“The crossroads?” My pedicurist didn’t even look up but spoke animatedly to his partner in Vietnamese. He was clearly not interested in us.

“No. I think it was probably our fourth dimension. We didn’t stay long. The. . . people there weren’t very amenable to conversation. They were pretty much all, ‘You invaders. We kill you.’” She whispered the last part though I don’t think it would matter all that much.

“Fine. I’ll just read Giles’s notes.” He, Willow, Oz, Xander, and Carrie were still in town, and after he documented the witch-vampire situation, he planned to gather all the relevant parties one by one, including Illyria and Angel via phone to obtain a more detailed account of what happened in what I now knew was a quest to help Illyria.

Dawn’s eyebrows drew together. “Ugh. Don’t remind me.”

Something about her tone reminded me of all the times Giles insisted on recording all the small bits after an apocalypse. I remembered that desire to just set it in the past and keep moving forward despite the changes the events obviously made in me, but a Watcher’s job was to document. Giles was good at being steadfast in that part of his job. “I get it. More than you know.”

Her eyebrows furrowed more. “What?”

“The desire to put it behind you.”

Her forehead smoothed out, and she sighed. “Yeah.” She offered a close-lipped smile. “Can we just enjoy our sister day?”

I grinned. “Yeah.”

Making sure her pedicurist wasn’t doing anything yet that would mess up her nails, Dawn readjusted to a sitting position. “Let’s talk registration.”

Now, I was frown-y. “Do huh?”

She crossed her arms. “Registration. Registries. Making a list of all the baby stuff you want, so we can have a baby shower and actually buy you the things you and Spike want instead of random stuff.”

“Ohhh.” I honestly hadn’t let myself go there. IVF did funny things to a person. It made me realize how many pieces had to come together just so for a baby to be born with all the cells and organs and bodily systems working together. That, and with Spike, my sister, and my best friend lost in the universe, registering for baby things had been the last thing on my mind. Browsing the net, yes, but setting up a registry, no. I still hadn’t adjusted to everyone being safe, let alone thought about the baby’s upcoming birth. “Don’t tell me you were thinking about this while traipsing through,” I glanced at the pedicurists who’d moved on to scrubbing the bottoms of our feet, “all those towns and one dangerous situation after the next.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “We had moments of down time, and Illyria asked Spike about how babies were made through IVF and how one cared for human infants. She has Fred’s memories about Connor, but she was confused about why human babies are so helpless and seem to need so many things to survive.”

“Of course, she did.” After our conversation in the Waffle House, I was starting to think the god was even more human-like since she now contained a piece of the original owner of her body.

“We all got closer. Kind of had to.” She set her jaw in her very sisterly way. “So, you didn’t answer my question.”

“You didn’t ask one,” I dodged, my tone playful.

“Registration. I’m taking you and Spike to make it happen tonight. It’ll be fun!”

“Where, pray tell, are we going?” I had no idea where to start.

“Babies ‘R’ Us, of course! No Amazon lists for you. The little scanner gun things will be fun!” She sounded giddy at the idea.

Now, I crossed my arms. “I thought Spike and I were choosing things for the baby.”

“You are. I’m just helping.” She grinned and added under her breath, “And maybe, kind of registering for a swing set. Or a trampoline. Or maybe lawn darts? Do they even make those anymore?”

I made a face at her just as my cell rang. “Now, where would we put a swing set or a trampoline? And the baby won’t be swinging or jumping anytime soon.”

“They grow faster than you think,” Dawn’s pedicurist said without looking up at us. Uh oh. How much had they heard?

“And I’m already picturing myself on the swing with little Tommy,” added Dawn.

My phone continued to ring, and I leaned over to the little stand next to the massage chair and snagged the insistent device. “It’s Willow.” I slid my thumb across the screen. “Hello?”

Willow’s voice was more excited than I’d ever heard her. At least, she didn’t sound terrified. I was still with the trauma reaction though. “You’ll never guess what just happened!”

“What?” I sat up straighter without jerking my legs too hard, my heart pounding. The baby kicked me at the sudden movement.

“Oz proposed!” Her voice contained an edge of hysteria, and I wasn’t sure if she was happy or. . .

“Oh, my god! And?” My voice was bright. I so wanted her to be happy.

Dawn was watching me with intention. “What?” she mouthed.

“Of course, I said, ‘Yes!’” There was something about her tone, and I couldn’t tell what it was, not with my sister breathing down my neck.

I covered the microphone with my hand. “Oz proposed.”

Dawn squealed and bounced in her seat, taking care not to jostle her feet. “Oh, my god!”

Speaking to Willow again, I said, “That’s Dawn in the background. I think she’s happy for you.” Then, I asked the question one always asked in these situations (not that they happened very often in our little universe), “How did he do it?”

“We were at the Columns Hotel for the jazz brunch. You know? The one on St. Charles?” She sounded a bit breathless, and I was leaning toward interpreting her predominant emotion as being happy.

“Yeah! Spike likes their bar.” We went there often for happy hour during the winter when the sun set early. The historic hotel was small but gorgeous and had a beautiful porch with thick, tall columns that allowed for a generous breeze to blow through. It was perfect for relaxing and sipping cocktails among the oak trees.

“He proposed over dessert. I got the bread pudding, and the ring was tucked in the top. He even got down on one knee.” She hesitated and then whispered, “You don’t think he did it because we almost, you know, lost each other?”

This was a fear I could alleviate. “No. He’s been thinking about it even before this happened.”

“How do you know?” She sounded so worried.

“He told me.”

“He did?”

“Uh huh. On the drive to Kilgore. I asked if he wanted to have kids with you, and he said he was kinda old-fashioned and wanted to marry you first.” And then, he asked me if Spike and I were going to get married. My cheeks grew hot, and Dawn was studying me with confusion in her expression. Oh no. My sister knew me too well.

Willow sighed, and it was definitively a happy sigh. “I thought. . . that he might. . . that it might be like when Xander proposed to Anya right before the fight with Glory. Look how well that turned out.” I knew my friend didn’t mean it flippantly. She was still sad about Anya’s death the way we all were and probably always would be.

“You want to marry him, right?” It would mean a choice to have no more female partners, and I didn’t know how Willow felt about that.

“Of course. I love him. I never stopped. I mean, I love Tara, too, but she’s gone.” Willow sounded momentarily sad but also resolute. “Is it possible to have two soulmates? ‘Cause I feel like I hit the jackpot twice. I’m really lucky.”

I laughed. “I don’t know about soulmates, but I do know that we can love more than one person in our life and deeply.”

“What does the ring look like?” Dawn, who seemed like she might jump out of her chair any second, asked. Her blue eyes were bright, and she couldn’t stop smiling.

“What does the ring look like?” I repeated Dawn’s inquiry into the phone.

“Oh! I love it! It’s a vintage emerald ring that Oz found at this place in New York City when he met up with Devon. It’s beautiful and has these little diamonds on the side. And he had it sized to fit me. I have no idea how he figured that part out because we hadn’t talked about it.” Willow’s voice faded a little. “Hold on. I’ll take a picture and text it to you.”

“Okay!”

There were some rustling sounds, and several seconds later, a text came through. I put Willow on speaker and then enlarged the photo to show Dawn.

“Whoa!” my sister breathed.

“It’s gorgeous, Willow,” I said, staring at the brilliant green color, sparkling diamonds, and platinum band. I also found myself feeling a little green with envy, but I shoved the emotion aside. What right did I have to be anything but overjoyed for my friend?

“Thanks.” Her voice was tiny on the speaker. “I have to go. I need to call Xander next. I didn’t get him earlier, and I don’t want to leave this on a voicemail, you know?”

“I know.” I bit my lower lip and then added, “And Willow?” I took her off speakerphone and held the phone to my ear.

“Yeah?”

“I’m so happy for you. You deserve it. All the happiness.” I meant every word. Love for my friend made my heart warm.

“Thanks, Buffy. I’ll see you soon?”

“Of course!”

Dawn regarded me when I hung up. “Are you upset?”

I looked at her innocently. “About what?”

“That you and Spike aren’t married.”

I shrugged. “We haven’t talked about it.” My heart skipped a beat.

She narrowed her eyes. “Maybe you should. I mean, now that everyone is safe and all.”

“Maybe.” And that would be a yes. I raised both eyebrows at my sister to let her know I was serious. “And no to Tommy. What is it with you and Spike and the names?”

She laughed. “We sorta had a conversation about that, too.”

“In the other planes of existence.”

Her laugh faded to a small smile. “Yeah.”

60. The night of registration at Babies “R” Us

Babies “R” Us was empty except for us. It seemed to be a perk of keeping witching hours. Even the workers were distracted by tidying up parts of the store that were not the baby section.

Anna at the registration desk finished helping Spike and I set up a registry account. She explained the reward perks, gave us a bag of goodies (including a bottle of water and coupons), and printed us a huge list of all the things to register for. Then, she smiled and proudly presented us with our own registration scanners. She even gave one to Dawn, who broke into a wide grin.

“Yes!” my sister said and then barely glanced at me and Spike. “See ya.” Then, she darted off toward the Toys “R” Us side of the store.

“Uh oh,” I said, watching her go. “We’re in big trouble.”

Slipping his arm around my almost non-existent waist, Spike joined me in observing her leave us in the dust. “If she registers for an electric car, we can take it off later, pet.”

“No electric car for Eric?” I asked with wide, innocent eyes.

Spike glanced down at me with one lifted eyebrow. “Nope and nope.”

“Dang. No Eric, huh?” I was feeling nervous despite my outward calm. I kept thinking about Willow and Oz and their engagement and Oz and Dawn’s queries about marriage for Spike and me. I had no idea how to bring it up with Spike, and because we hadn’t talked about it, I was afraid he’d read me like a book and figure out my feelings before I did. Most of all, I didn’t want to hurt him.

“What’s wrong?” Spike asked, already picking up on something I wasn’t hiding well.

I shook my head. “Nothing. Why are you asking? I’m ready to register.” I held up the thick stack of papers. “Though why one baby would need all of this, I have no idea.”

He studied me for a moment with narrowed eyes and then moved his arm from around my hips to snatch the handouts from me. “What’s a pack n’play?” He squinted at the tiny picture example. “Wonder if that’s like a travel cot. And why does the baby need so many contraptions? Baby bouncer, swing, baby carrier? And what’s a breast pump do?”

I peered at the papers. “Uh, well, I don’t know? Maybe we don’t need to register for every ‘contraption.’ We don’t have enough space. And I think that the insurance will provide a pump. It’s to help with breastfeeding, and you can pump and store breast milk, too.”

“Do you want to breastfeed?” Spike asked me in earnest. “’Cause I read that it’s best for the baby. But nowadays, there’s also formula?”

“Yeah.” I shrugged. “I know I want to try to breastfeed.” Crystal had told me she struggled with her son and ended up supplementing with formula. “But if I can’t, Crystal said fed is best.”

“Makes sense.” He inclined his head toward the aisles. “Should we? I mean. . . these bits of paper don’t help much. I figured we’d get down and dirty. Get this done.”

I giggled. “You make it sound like we’re going patrolling.”

He smirked. “What? We sort of are. Weeding through the junk to scan what we need.” He folded the papers and tucked them into the goodie bag hanging off my arm. “Shall we?”

My smile was genuine. “Sounds good.”

We made it through the diaper and wipes aisles without much discussion. We registered for diapers of different sizes, a diaper pail (the one with Arm and Hammer baking soda for Spike’s sensitive nose), and a few giant boxes of wipes. We skipped the baby food aisles and registered for a set of Dr. Brown’s bottles and nipples of different sizes. Crystal said the Dr. Brown’s bottles were best for preventing gas. We ignored the pumps until I had a chance to call the insurance company, and then, we got to the aisle with bibs and bath toys. I didn’t understand the logic of why these were displayed together, but they were.

I didn’t have time to wonder long because Spike’s whole body relaxed, and he got the funniest look on his face. It was sort of a mix of awe and love, an expression that made me want to kiss him silly.

“What is it that’s got you so. . . schmoopy-faced?” I asked, keeping my eyes on him, the self-proclaimed Big Bad all tender-hearted-looking.

He smiled and fingered a bib with a little brown monkey face on it. “He’ll be so tiny.” He drew a breath in, a breath that skipped a bit with emotion. “This means he’s almost here.” Tears sheened his eyes. “And I already love him so much.”

I ran my fingers over his forearm, twisted the bib on the rack, and scanned the barcode. “If this is making you get like this, we’re registering for it.”

He blinked and glanced at me, the tears gone. “Now, I get it.”

A small smile playing on my lips, I watched in amusement as he began scanning anything and everything on the aisle: squirt-y bath toys, a giant convertible bathtub, floating balls with colorful creatures inside, a set of small boats, buckets with holes in the bottom for water play, washcloths that indicated water temperature, bath towels of various sizes, scent free all-in-one shampoo-body wash, scent-free lotion, Boudreaux’s Butt Paste (because it was fun to say), bibs for a variety of uses (plastic ones for when he was older and eating food, smaller cloth ones with the plastic backs for catching teething drool), sippy cups, and plastic dishes. I followed behind him and scanned a few things I wanted our son to have, but I was most enthralled by the love of my life being so excited to be a father.

He paused at the end of the aisle and looked at me with his blue eyes shining in delight. “I never thought I’d ever get to do this.”

I grinned. “Me either.”

“How come you’re not scanning much?” he asked as if he just noticed, a hint of a frown on his lips.

I shrugged one shoulder. “You’re having so much fun. I didn’t want to take over.”

“Okay. You take lead on the next aisle.” He picked up my hand and walked backward, urging me forward. “I’ll go slower. We can decide together.”

Spike was true to his word, and he let me browse through the baby toys and pacifiers. I held up a giraffe with a pacifier on the end. “This is so cute.”

“Wubbanub,” Spike pronounced carefully. “What kind of name is that?”

“A cute one. He needs this, right?” I scanned the barcode, and it made the familiar beep to acknowledge that the item was added to our list.

“Of course, love.” Spike studied the array of pacifiers. “We should get some for when he’s younger, too. A variety of shapes and kinds in case he doesn’t like one dummy or another?”

“Good idea.”

Spike scanned a few different types of pacifiers. Next came to the teethers. We registered for Sophie the Giraffe and a couple of others shaped like circles, keys, fruit, and a waffle. Then, my eyes landed on a teether shaped like an engagement ring. It was garish gold and had an orange-red “stone.” My eyes widened without my permission, and of course, Spike saw my reaction.

He touched the package as his eyebrows drew together. “What is it? An odd teether of some sort?”

Trying to shake away the fingers of anxiety tightening around my ribcage, I somehow kept my voice from quavering when I said, “Oz proposed to Willow today at the Columns Hotel. At jazz brunch. She said, ‘Yes.’”

“Good for them.” Spike frowned and then held up my hand which was clutching the scanner so hard that my knuckles were white and the plastic was a little cracked and straining. “But you obviously aren’t happy. What’s going on, love?”

How was I supposed to explain something that I didn’t have the words for? I opted for the truth while staring at the bright blue of a starfish-shaped teether. “I don’t know.” Irritation flickered through me and across my face. Couldn’t he just drop it? We were registering for our son, and damn it, I didn’t want to ruin the evening.

“Hey. At least look at me.” He said it lightly, but I knew I was worrying him.

“Just drop it,” I snapped. My immediate reaction was intense guilt, and tears filled my eyes. Why did he have to keep staring at me? Turning my head, I said, “I’m gonna go look at swaddles.” Then, I left him there, standing in the aisle with the teethers.

My tears ran in hot streams down my cheeks, and I chastised myself, my thoughts not altogether coherent. What was I doing? Not what I planned. This was not going the way I wanted.

I hurried past rows of items and ducked down one without really noticing where I was. Wiping my tears away, I felt the ache in my heart push forth sharply into my awareness, and the baby kicked me hard in the ribs. Breathless, I stroked the swell of my belly and whispered, “Hey. Sorry to upset you, little one.” I closed my eyes then and purposefully took one deep breath after another, going slow on the exhale and fumbling a bit because baby was encroaching on my lungs.

When I finally opened my eyes, I saw that I was on the aisle with sheets and blankets. A navy-blue blanket with a cute grey elephant was right in my line of sight. Reaching out, I stroked the soft fabric. The color reminded me of Spike’s eyes when the lights were down low, and I wondered what color eyes the baby would have. Part of me really wanted them to be blue.

I felt Spike hovering on the edge of my senses, and when I opened my eyes, I felt him closing in, moving with a slow wariness. I hated that I made him so worried. My breath hesitated when he slipped his cooler palm against mine and twined our fingers together.

“I’m here,” he whispered, his tone edged with vulnerability. “Tell me. What is it about the witch and wolf getting engaged that bothers you so much?”

“I love you,” I said, starting with the two things I knew for sure. My mouth was dry, and the words came out funny. “I’m sorry.”

His voice was low and deep. “No need for apologies. Love you, too. Talk to me. Please.” He squeezed my hand with such gentleness that my heart almost broke.

I was silent for a long moment during which I clasped his hand back and tried to sort through my thoughts. “I hadn’t really thought about it before, you know? I mean, we have each other, and it’s all I could ever ask for.” I glanced into his blue eyes for a moment, and he was so earnest that the words came tumbling out with greater speed and surety as I refocused on the merchandise on the rack in front of me. “I-I never thought I’d have what we have. I didn’t think I’d be alive long enough to have a relationship that lasted long enough for me to even think about having a family. My dream of being married and having a family pretty much died the night I became a Slayer. You know? How you said yours died the night you were turned?”

“I remember that conversation, yes,” he acknowledged.

“A-and now I have you and our son, and I wouldn’t want to ever jinx it by wanting more.”

“Jinx it how, love? I’m not going anywhere. You’d have to stake me first.”

I chewed my lower lip to try to figure out how to explain. “Do you remember when Willow be-spelled us, and you proposed?”

“Not something I’ll ever forget. I loved you then. I just didn’t want to admit it.” He’d told me this before.

“I was so happy. Really genuinely happy,” I said with sincerity. “And when the spell was over, I felt it.”

“Felt what?”

“The loss of it. Of you. Of the hope of getting married. The loss of hope for a future where I was secure and happy.” Spike didn’t say anything in reply. He just gathered me into his arms from behind, and I felt safe, so I continued. “When I found you in L.A., I felt like I found that happiness again. Before that? It never exactly felt like. . . I dunno. It didn’t feel like we were really in it together. One of us was always a little off.”

“Except for those two nights in Sunnydale,” he said, his breath over my ear.

“Except those. And when I found you again – ”

“After you punched me in the nose.” He sounded sure.

I didn’t remember that at all. I just remembered the later parts. “Hey! I didn’t do that.”

He harrumphed. “You did, too! My nose remembers. And I have witnesses. Blue and Angelus and that L.A. Slayer. What was her name?”

“Thia. Her name is Thia.” I rolled my eyes. “Okay. Maybe there was nose-punch-age. I may have been a little bit angry and a lot hurt. But the point is, I had hope for the future. . . a future with a man I love.”

“That’s me?”

I elbowed him so that he grunted. “Yes, that’s you!”

“Good. But?”

“I’m still a Slayer and was the Slayer for so long that my brain’s had trouble shifting gears. Like really believing that it’s safe to let my guard down to have a life with so many Slayers out there in the world. That maybe I can have. . . that I could have it all.”

“Does marriage mean that much to you?” Spike was no dummy.

I sighed. “I don’t know. It didn’t treat my mom very well, did it? My dad was. . . he didn’t handle stress well. My mom. She made mistakes, but she was there. She would have stuck with the marriage if my dad hadn’t. . . I dunno.”

“Been a right ass and had an affair?” To say that Spike was not impressed with my father was an understatement.

“Yeah. So, I don’t know if I’d want to get married.” And I didn’t.

“So, why the reaction?”

“Oz asked me about us. Whether you and I had talked about it. We were on the drive to Kilgore. It sorta caught me off guard.”

“What’d you say?”

The corner of my mouth lifted. “I dodged the question.”

He hugged me closer and kissed my temple. “Sounds familiar.”

I emitted a small laugh. “Haha. Funny vampire thinks he’s funny. I dodged it because I was afraid addressing it when you were lost in another dimension would jinx you and Dawn and Willow.”

“There’s an awful lot of jinxing going on in that head of yours. We weren’t lost. We were on a mission.” He was firm in this account, kind of like my sister.

“I didn’t know that then. I was terrified I was going to lose you, my sister, my best friend.”

“Good point.” He ran the back of his fingers over my upper arm in a reassuring gesture. “So, jinxing? What else? There’s more to it.” He was right, of course.

“Emily said she wanted two kids.”

He shifted behind me, rolling with my change of direction. “When was this?”

“Doesn’t matter. A long time ago while we were on patrol, and I realized that I lived in a world where Slayers could think about having a life in addition to slaying. That they could go to college and have back up. That they could consider getting married and raising a family. I never had that. Every time I almost did or tried having that kind of life – ”

“The rug got pulled out from under you, so imagining a future where you could have some stability was – ”

“Impossible. I’m jealous of Emily. Of Oz and Willow. Even of Hana with her low-key slayage towns. I’m jealous of women who get pregnant with the person they love by making love and not having a kid via science. I’m jealous that they don’t have to deal with the feelings I’ve had to feel.” I hugged the arm he had resting just above the top of my abdomen. Then, I remembered what Hana said about shit happening to everyone. “Not that they don’t have their own stuff. I know they do.”

Spike, of course, chose to focus on the emotion piece and not the Buffy-talks-herself-out-of-her-feelings piece. “Makes sense to me that you’d feel envious. And I understand the jealousy bit more than you know.” He nuzzled my hair.

“Plus,” I said the next part in a rush because it scared me to put it out there in the universe, “would a vampire even want to get married? Vampires are immortal. Do those things even matter to. . . vampires?” I was too scared to ask if it mattered to him. I didn’t want to pressure him either because of what I’d told him not long ago about being worried he was losing his vampire-ness. “And I’m not the kind of girl who needs a ring just because she’s pregnant.”

Spike moved in front of me with more speed than I expected, and I wobbled, baby making me naturally off balance, but he caught me before I could fall into the display of sheets behind me. He cupped my cheek and kissed me, his lips sliding over mine until I moaned. Then, he abruptly broke away to stare with fierceness into my eyes. “Love, I would pretty much do anything to make you happy. Vampire or no. Pregnancy or no. I thought you knew this?”

I blinked at him and nudged my nose against his. “I know this. But I don’t want to make you do anything. That’s not how I want our relationship to be.”

“It’s not how it is. We’ve worked too hard. I feel like we’re on equal footing. Our relationship is solid. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to fulfill the desires that you have in your heart.” I knew he’d do anything, but maybe what he didn’t know was that I’d do anything for him.

“I want to do that for you, too.”

“You do, love. Every single day. Do I need to go over the list again?” Was he referring to the time in Jacques-Imo’s? That felt like a hundred years ago. My hand touched the heart pendant he’d given me – the heart I hadn’t taken off since he’d been gone.

I answered his question by kissing him, and I drew it out, enjoying the lingering leisurely affection.

Several seconds later, Spike and I were caught up in each other, completely unaware of our surroundings when someone cleared her throat. We abruptly broke apart to see Dawn holding up her scanner with glee. “I registered baby Tad for a bunch of things. Have you heard of a Nerf Vortex Nitron Blaster?”

Spike and I both groaned at the same time.