Part 13
Over the next week, Buffy slept more than she ever had in her entire life. It hadn’t occurred to her how exhausted she was from the long struggle against The First until she finally allowed herself to stop and rest. Once her head hit the pillow, she simply couldn’t stay awake for the better part of a week. She didn’t want to be awake. When she was asleep, she couldn’t see how big and empty her bed was with just her in it.
She tried not to think much about Spike – and succeeded in doing so, for a few days at least. But when she finally reached the point when she couldn’t sleep anymore, thoughts of him plagued her waking hours. There was a familiar ache burrowing into her chest – something she hadn’t felt since he’d left Sunnydale last spring. She missed him. Not only that, but she felt as if she shouldn’t miss him – and she didn’t know what to do about it. When thoughts of him grew too much for her to deal with, she finally emerged from the solitude of her room and dared to venture downstairs.
The house had been bursting with activity while she’d been in seclusion, most of which she’d been happy to ignore. Andrew and Dawn spent much of their time planning a new and improved Watcher’s Council on a felt-board in the basement – Andrew claimed he was aiming for a less corrupt version of the Starship Federation. Outside, the new Slayers had taken to training with Faith during the day and patrolling in pairs each night to ensure that the tattered remnants of The First’s army were truly under control. Sometimes Giles accompanied them, but more and more, he stayed behind to help Willow continue the research on the amulet. They’d been playing phone-tag with Wesley for the better part of the week. Buffy resisted the urge to tell them they were wasting their time.
There had been no word from him since they’d returned from L.A., but the new Slayers had spotted him around town. He’d helped them once or twice on patrol, lending his strength and experience. Giles had informed Buffy of this rather tentatively. “I’m not entirely sure that he’s feeding,” he’d told her. “It might be a good idea to bring him some blood, so that he doesn’t, well . slip .”
Buffy could understand what had Giles so worried – after all, a hungry vampire didn’t always use the best judgment – but she was reluctant to go herself. She had enough faith in Spike’s restraint to send Dawn to him with some blood – during the daylight hours when no stray Ubervamp might cross her path. Willow did a locator spell on Spike, and blood was donated from willing parties in the house.
“Giles was right,” Dawn told Buffy when she returned. “Spike hasn’t been eating. He’s starting to get all gross and skinny. What’s up with that? I know Sunnydale’s still pretty empty, but he could have found a way to get blood, even if it was from a butcher in another town.”
Buffy had a pretty good idea exactly what he was doing. “I think he’s trying to prove something to me. It’s a trust thing. But I think I’d be easier to convince if he wasn’t avoiding me.”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “Um, hello? Earth to dorkus? You sent me with the blood, remember? Apparently you’re not much on confrontation either. You should go see him, Buffy. I know he hasn’t come by himself, but I could really tell that he misses you.”
Buffy didn’t reply. She wasn’t sure what to think of the situation anymore. All she really knew was that she missed him, too – so much that it felt like a part of her was gone. Everything else was starting to fade to gray.
******
Sometime after nightfall, there was a sudden burst of activity in the living room where the research was taking place. Willow was talking animatedly on the phone with Giles sitting beside her, scribbling notes as he listened in on the cordless. Neither of them noticed Buffy as she came down the stairs, so she ducked outside onto the front porch, trying her best not to bring attention to herself. They were talking about Spike’s soul again – and that was one conversation Buffy was happy to avoid for the moment. It only made her sad and confused – as if she felt she should think one thing, but was instead feeling something entirely different.
Hugging herself, she stepped to the edge of the porch and stared out into darkness. A familiar voice came out of the shadows behind her. “Hey there, stranger. Come to clock in some brooding hours? Got your timecard right here.”
Buffy turned around and smiled at Xander. “Hey yourself. I haven’t seen you much lately. You’ve been all avoid-y.”
“Yeah, I think it’s safe to say we both have. Guess we’ve had our reasons.” He slipped his hands into his jacket pockets as he came to stand beside her. “So I, uh, heard about you and Spike. Or at least, I heard a lot of girly gossip about it.”
Buffy offered a guilty half-smile. “Yeah – me and Spike. Sorry you didn’t hear about it from me. Things have been so crazy, and it all happened so fast. But hey – if it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure he and I aren’t together anymore. I think I really messed things up.”
Beside her, Xander remained quiet.
She gave him a sidelong glance. “Oh, come on, Xan. You know what comes next. This is the part where you tell me he’s no good for me, and I’m better off without him. I could make the speech for you, if you’d like.”
Xander shrugged. “I guess I don’t really know what to say. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, you know? Ever since Anya died.”
Buffy jolted at his words. She’d been so wrapped up in her own problems, she’d completely forgotten about Xander’s loss. “How are you doing with that?” she asked tentatively. “You okay?”
“Not so much, actually,” he replied with a bitter chuckle. “I really miss her, Buff. I thought it would get easier over time, but I swear it’s getting worse.”
Buffy touched the sleeve of his jacket. “I’m so sorry, Xander. She was.”
“.amazing, I know,” he finished for her. “And I should have told her that every chance I got. I just didn’t. Toward the end, she and I were getting it all wrong. We were still in love, I think, but neither of us would really admit it. The trust was gone.” He ran his fingers through his tangled hair, shifting from one foot to the other as if something deeper was bothering him. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course you can. Question-answering Buffy, at your service.”
Shaking his head, Xander let out an oh-what-the-hell sigh and asked, “Do you love him?”
Caught off guard by his question, Buffy’s lips parted but no words came out.
When she didn’t answer, Xander continued. “I’m asking you this because I like to think I know you pretty well. And call me crazy if you like, but it seems to me like you’re head over heels for that Spike loser.” He stared hard at Buffy. “You need to tell him that.”
Unable to hold his gaze, Buffy let her own fall to the ground, unsure how to respond. Her throat began to grow tight and ache, and she hugged herself, trying to fight back the sudden wave of emotion.
“Don’t get me wrong,” said Xander. “I don’t like Spike, and I probably never will. I’m not telling you this because I think he needs to hear it – but because you need to say it. If something happened to him, and I hear something almost did, you’d never forgive yourself for not telling him how you felt. Trust me on that. If I had told Anya – even if it didn’t go anywhere – at least she would have known that she was loved.”
“She knew, Xander,” whispered Buffy, finding her voice. “I know she did.”
Xander seemed to take a bit of comfort in that. He nodded as if trying to reassure himself. “So do you?” he asked after a moment. “Love him, I mean.”
Buffy face crumpled with the threat of tears. “Would it make me a bad person if I did?” she asked in a small voice.
“God, Buffy,” said Xander, expression softening. “No. Granted, it might indicate that you’re a glutton for punishment.” Buffy laughed a little through her tears. “But no – you’re not a bad person.”
“I think I do love him,” she said, wiping at her cheeks. “No – I know I do. I have for a long time, and I just haven’t wanted to admit it. When he got his soul, I felt for the first time like I could trust him enough to let myself love him. The soul was like a failsafe, you know? But when he lost it, the feelings didn’t go away. If anything, they got stronger. It’s like I could see clearly for the first time how hard he tries to do the right thing.”
“Like how Anya tried, I guess,” said Xander. “But Buffy – I have to interject the obligatory warning here. Are you sure you know what you’re doing? I mean the guy almost raped you. I don’t get how you can just overlook that.”
“I’m not overlooking it,” she said. “But I am looking at the whole picture. Spike knew that what he had done was wrong, without the aid of a soul, and did something about it. That’s what I can’t seem to overlook. And he’s still making the right decisions, Xander. Even when I’m not there to see them, apparently.”
Xander rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, I guess. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna like watching you date hi- . oh God, I can’t even say it. I don’t have to say it, right?”
Buffy smiled and leaned up to kiss Xander’s cheek. “Thank you,” she said, hugging his arm. “For trying to understand. You have no idea what that means to me.”
“Yeah, well – enjoy it. I’m feeling strangely generous after the whole Anya-thing. There might be an intervention later. With sharp, pointy objects.” He glanced down at her, a serious expression on his face. “I am trying to understand, Buffy – but don’t expect me to stop watching your back. Kinda comes with the whole friendship package. He hurts you again and.”
“He’s different, Xander,” she said, cutting him off gently. “You’ll see.”
Before he could reply, the door of the house opened, and Willow popped her head out. “Buffy, good news!” she exclaimed, holding up the amulet.
” Good news?” asked Buffy. “There’s such a thing?”
“You and Wesley were right,” said Willow, nodding animatedly. “The soul is so put-back-able. Wesley’s scroll had a good chunk in the middle that was fabricated – though some of it was authentic. Those Wolfram and Hart people must have planted it for some reason or another. But anyway, all it takes are the right words and poof! We’ll have weepy, broody, possibly crazy Spike back in no time. Am I good or what?”
Taken off-guard by the news, Buffy tried for a smile, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She wasn’t as pleased or relieved as she thought she would be. “The best.”
Willow’s brow furrowed in concern. “Oh, hey – you don’t look happy at all. What’s wrong? Xander hasn’t been telling more of his bad pirate jokes, has he?”
“No, I’m happy,” Buffy assured her. “I mean, the soul belongs to him, and it was kinda my fault that he lost it.”
“You seem to have that effect on vampires a lot, don’t you?” said Xander. Both girls turned and glared at him. “What? I’m just sayin’. So, um, how soon can we do this restore-a-soul thing? ‘Cause I’m thinking the sooner the better.”
“Well, we don’t even really need Spike here to do it,” said Willow, turning to Buffy. “We could take care of it right now if you want.”
Buffy frowned and shook her head. “No. That doesn’t seem right. This needs to be his choice – like it was the first time.”
“What?” Xander blinked. “Huh? There’s a choice? Okay, hand in the air if you think that’s a bad idea. See that? My hand’s in the air. What might that be telling you? Willow, feel free to jump in and help me out at any time.”
“No, I think Buffy’s got a point,” said Willow. “It should be his choice. And you know, Spike wasn’t all that bad when he lost his soul. I was the one who told him it was gone to begin with. I kinda expected Angelus Mach 2. You know, all grrrr, I’ve come for your goldfish . But he wasn’t. He was just . Spike.”
“Uh, the same Spike that kidnapped us both and tried to put a broken bottle through your face?” asked Xander.
“Please,” scoffed Willow. “If he was all fang-y and evil, we’d know already. He’s not the greatest at subtlety. And you know, even though the soul’s gone, I really kinda think it might have changed him. Either that or Buffy did. It’s weird, but you can tell just by looking at him. Even his aura’s different.”
Xander frowned. “There wasn’t a yellow crayon speech involved in this ‘changing’, was there? Because I so have that under copyright.”
“I’m just sayin’ that he wanted to get his soul back,” continued Willow. “I guess I know what it’s like to suddenly lose a grip on your conscience. Getting it back was the last thing on my mind. That says something, you know? He really loves you, Buffy, if he’s still interested in changing.” With a smile, Willow handed the amulet over to Buffy. “So would you get going already? You know where he’s at, right?”
Fingering the glittering amulet, Buffy nodded with a thoughtful smile. She did.