Chapter 19: Memory and Hope
During the next few days, Buffy settled into a quiet routine. Wake up early, prepare breakfast and lunch for Dawn. Get back in bed for a few hours, cuddle with Angel, try not to ask what she now was sure he wouldn’t give. Help Dawn with her homework or check that she had reached the Magic Box safely. Cook dinner for Willow, Giles, Dawn and sometimes herself. Go out at sundown, patrol with Angel until morning. Catch a couple of hours of sleep before starting again.
And while doing all that, try to resolve the few matters that occupied her mind.
First thing, she needed a job, a hobby, something to do or think about during the long hours she was stuck home. She was considering taking either distance or evening classes, and had requested courses catalogues from the local Community College.
Then, Dawn hated Angel. No, hate wasn’t a word strong enough. She abhorred him. Every time he entered a room, she would get completely mute and start scowling, or simply leave. Buffy had tried to get her to say what was wrong. All she had gotten had been a nasty look and the cryptic suggestion to go ask Spike.
Spike himself was the third point. He had given up. After all that talk about needing his Childe, she hadn’t seen him since she had left his crypt still quivering from the feel of his blood running in her. She had been extra attentive during patrols and tried to catch a glimpse of either him or his scent, but nothing. She had thought of paying him a little visit, just to make sure he was alright, but she didn’t want to explain to Angel where she was going alone and why. And she certainly didn’t want him to accompany her. She knew if she went to Spike, she would eventually end with her fangs in his neck, and maybe his in hers. She couldn’t allow that to happen, even if she desired it with her whole being – demon and soul. It felt exactly like it had just a few weeks ago, when she was sleeping with him. No, she didn’t want to fall in that pit again, even if. No. Absolutely not. She wouldn’t be cheating on Angel, metaphorically or not. She felt a little guilty about the other night. Yet at the same time, she was telling herself drinking from Spike had been a necessity. He had needed it, and so had she. And she still did, as Angel wouldn’t allow her to bite him.
Angel was the biggest matter occupying her mind. Something was off with him. She had asked him again, just once more, to share blood with her. She had felt tears sting her eyes when he had flatly refused. She was beginning to understand why. Every now and then, he would explain about how she was a wonderful woman, not a demon. She had tried to point out that she was just like him, and, soul or no soul, they were vampires. That had started a long night of brooding. It was as if he still hadn’t accepted her turning. It had been a week already. She had accepted it, so had Dawn, her friends and her Watcher. But the one person who should have best understood her now seemed to be the one who refused to see her as what she was. It pained her very in ways she wouldn’t have thought possible.
The phone ringing pulled her out of her thoughts. She had been sitting with Dawn in the kitchen, watching and helping when she could as the teen worked on her math homework. Usually she would have asked Anya for help – the ex-demon had a thing for numbers, as long as you added a dollar sign next to them. But the bride to be was too overexcited to Dawn’s liking, with the wedding being only two days away.
Before Buffy could rise, Dawn had already answered – phone calls were usually for her at this hour. But not this time. She put the phone down on the table, and announced coldly : “It’s for him.”. Buffy brought the phone to Angel, who was napping in the living room, and gave him some privacy. A few minutes later, he was hurrying into the kitchen, his face more expressive than she ever remembered seeing.
“Connor his back !” he said excitedly. “That was my friends in LA. He’s just back.”
Amazement filled his features, as well as pure joy.
“That’s good,” Buffy said gently. “He’s ok ?”
The barest touch of a frown.
“They said he’s older. Different. But ok.”
Again, undiluted joy. For a brief second she regretted the time when she was able to bring him that kind of happiness.
“I have to go there as fast as I can,” he added after a pause. “I’ll leave as soon as the sun sets.”
Buffy nodded. “I understand.”
He took her hand and squeezed it lightly. “I can’t wait for you see him. You’ll see, he’s beautiful. I guess you could move after the wedding. That will give me a couple of days to get everything ready.”
At the same moment, Buffy and Dawn said the same word, but with quite different tones. Puzzlement for Buffy, horror for her sister. “Move ?”
“Yes, move to LA,” he continued, his face beaming. “We’ll find a good school for Dawn and you can.”
“No !”
That was the first time Dawn had spoken directly to Angel in days. “I am so not moving anywhere with you !” she spat angrily. “You big. stupid. brooding .poof !”
With that last word, she ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Her door banged loudly. Buffy hesitated between following her and talking with Angel. With a sigh, she sat down. Stalling wouldn’t help anything.
“I’m sure she’ll change her mind,” Angel said optimistically. “She’ll love LA. In no time.”
“Angel.” Buffy interrupted softly. “I am really happy that you get to be with your son again. But we are not… I am not moving in with you.”
Hell. Life had a nasty way to force decisions on her when she wasn’t quite ready for them yet. She watched as surprise wiped away all other emotions on his face. He sat down next to her, his hands reaching for both of hers.
“Buffy.”
She shook her head lightly before he could go on. She couldn’t hear pleading now, she might not be able to resist, and it would be a mistake.
“It’s not going to work, Angel. You and I have been waiting for each other a long time. Too long. You are not the same man I fell in love with. And I have changed too. I’m not only talking about becoming a vampire, but that’s the part you seem to have the biggest problem with.”
She felt the tears come to her eyes, and fought them back with all the willpower she could muster. She was not going to cry now. Later, yes. But not now. She observed his eyes, reading pain in them, but also understanding.
“You were never in danger of losing your soul.” she stated quietly. “Just me being a vamp tears you apart, doesn’t it ?”
Angel nodded. “Before.” he whispered slowly, “You were making me feel like I was human again. Now it just reminds me. how close to the surface Angelus can be.”
He smiled sadly, tears clouding his eyes. “You deserved so much more.”
“I wouldn’t have gotten anything, Angel. I was dying. Whatever I am now, I get to see Dawn grow up. See my friends get married. And so many other things I would have missed. You tried to keep seeing me as the human Buffy. But the vampire part is there. I can’t just forget it exists. It’s as much me as the Slayer is me. Am I making any sense here ?”
She wasn’t sure she was being very clear, formulating out loud thoughts that had only been half formed in her mind. Yet she could see she was right. He wasn’t contradicting her in any way, so she had to be right. It hurt like hell to let go. But they couldn’t keep going like that, each of them in love with what the other had been but wasn’t any more.
“I’ll always love you,” he said softly. “You know that, right ?”
She smiled and brought his hand up to her lips. “I know. And so will I. Just not like that any more.”
He nodded, and his eyes moved away from her. “I’ll go get my things ready.”
She watched him walk out of the kitchen. He had been so happy about Connor, it broke her heart to have announced it was over now. Hopefully, being with his son would make him forget soon enough.
Resting her head on the table, she allowed the tears to finally come. She had no doubt that this was the only sensible thing to do. Still, it was hard to finally give up on a memory and hope she had cherished for years. A thought eventually dried the tears. Her Sire would be there for her. He had promised to take care of her.
Of course, that was before he suddenly stopped keeping an eye on her.