Chapter 8
“Spike?” Buffy called, when she realized he wasn’t next to her.
“Right here, Pet.” Stretching leisurely, she turned towards the sound of his voice. He was standing next to the window, holding the curtain back, so the light from the receding sun drenched over him. A cigarette was smoldering away in his free hand.
“You should probably get dressed. Wouldn’t want Dawn to catch you with your knickers down.” He said with a leer. Buffy rolled her eyes and slipped out of bed, allowing Spike’s gaze to rake over her hungrily. She gave him a smirk, then walked to the bathroom.
Turning away from the closing door, Spike’s thoughts turned over the last couple of days. He knew he had to confront her on what she had said. Especially since she hadn’t said it since. That, and whatever had happened between her and Angel to make Soulful even more broody than usual.But, with the tournament only hours away, and Dawn’s impending arrival, Spike didn’t want to test the strength of their new found comfort with each other. Things had never been so easy between them. Part of him wondered if it wasn’t due to the absence of a certain whelp and witch, and not some newly discovered emotion within Buffy.
*Poof. You keep this up and you’ll be able to change your name to Angel,* he scoffed at himself. Crushing his cigarette out in the crystal ashtray on the bar, he let his hand fall away from the curtain. *Wait until this blasted tournament is over, then have it out with Buffy,* he told himself as the bathroom door opened.
“Leave any hot water for me, Pet?” Spike asked as he walked to her.
“Yeah.” She said with a smile. The fluffy, red bath sheet she was wrapped in made her look like a little girl. Her hair cascaded down her back in wet waves. “Go ahead. I don’t want Dawn to see you in all your half naked glory.” she teased, raking her nails lightly over his bare chest.
“You keep that up, luv, and she’s going to see a lot more than my magnificent chest,” he growled, hauling her against him. He trailed his tongue over the bite marks on her neck, and felt a tremor pass through her.
“Go get your undead ass in the shower. I’d hate to have to kick my sister’s butt for drooling on the expensive carpet.” With a chuckle, he released her and moved towards the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, Buffy pulled the towel off and ran it over her hair. Padding naked to their bags, Buffy pulled out a pair of jeans, under things, and a t-shirt. Dressing quickly, she walked over to the large vanity, and began to brush her hair.
She had just started to twist the thick mass into a braid, when she heard a knock on the door.
“Who is it?” Buffy called, walking to the door. Instead of an answer, the door swung open and a dark haired waiter walked in pushing a cart. “Well, somebody didn’t read Ms. Manners,” she snapped.
“Sorry, miss. He opened the door,” he said, indicating Sherman. She finished braiding her hair as the waiter set up the table. When he finished, he left, offering her an apologetic smile as he went. Buffy rolled her eyes, then glared at the man still holding the door open.
“Did you want something?” He didn’t answer her, just motioned to someone still outside in the hall.
Buffy let out a squeal when Dawn walked through the door. The girls flew at each other, hugging, tears streaming down both their faces. They never heard the door close as they were left alone.
“Are you okay?” Buffy asked when they broke apart.
“Yeah. What about you? Did you gain weight? It looks good.” Dawn shot in her usual rapid fire manner.
“I’m fine. Yes. And thanks. How have they been treating you?”
“Like I’m a queen, or something. Which wouldn’t be bad if I was allowed outside. And it’s really creepy being in a room that’s filled with all the stuff I like. At least that I didn’t put there, that is.” Dawn gave a slight shudder. When the bathroom door opened, the look of joy that crossed the younger girls face brought fresh tears to Buffy’s eyes.
With a squeal of her own, Dawn was across the room and wrapped in the arms of the vampire.
“God, we’ve missed you,” she said, squeezing him as hard as she could.
“We?” he asked quietly, so Buffy couldn’t hear. Dawn pulled back and looked at him, reading the uncertainty in his eyes. Brushing her thumb across his cheek, she smiled brightly.
“Yes, we. She was a mess when she realized that she had lost you too.” She replied, just as quietly. Spike’s eyes darted to Buffy, who was hovering near the table to give them a moment alone, then back to the girl in front of him.
“I missed you both, too, Bit.” She punched him lightly in the arm.
“Good. Don’t stay away so long, next time.” They both missed how Buffy blanched at that innocent comment. She blinked rapidly, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat. She’d deal with the possibility of Spike not staying later.
“Hey, you guys. Want to dig in? Looks like there’s some pretty good eats here. They even have spicy buffalo wings.” Buffy said, pulling a lid off a platter with flourish,
“Guess these blokes did their homework. Don’t know how they knew I’d be with you, though.” Spike commented, sitting between the sisters and piling wings on his plate. As an afterthought, Buffy went behind the bar and heated up some blood, then poured it into a mug. “Thanks, luv,” he said, digging in.
“Lucas probably figured she’d go for help. And since we haven’t spoken to Angel in like, forever. . .”
“Dawn.” Buffy cut her sister off, slightly shaking her head. The twenty three year old shot her a look, clearly letting Buffy know what she thought of keeping secrets. The Slayer sighed, feeling Spike’s eyes burning into her. She turned and met them square on, letting him know without words, that she would tell him later. He stared at her for another moment, then nodded.
“So, platelet. How’s school?” he asked, tearing into his wings.
“Didn’t you get the last letter I wrote. Oh, wait. I mailed it right before I got hijacked. It probably hadn’t gotten forwarded yet.” Dawn started, her voice an excited hum. Buffy and Spike exchanged amused looks as Dawn proceeded to fill him in on the latest misadventures of a college student.
“I love you.” Buffy said, squeezing Dawn in a tight hug.
“I love you, too. I’m soooo glad you decided to go back to Buffy. Liz just didn’t suit you.”
“Somebody else said something similar,” she replied, sliding a glance at Spike. He smirked and dropped a kiss on Dawn’s head.
“Be careful, Buffy. You know, tomorrow. I don’t want to lose you again.”
“You won’t.” Buffy hugged her again. Then Dawn turned and left with the young guard sent for her. “I’m scared, Spike,” she admitted quietly, after the door closed. His cool hands glided up her arms, lending her his strength.
“I know,” he answered simply. He didn’t admit that he was scared, too. He’d watched her die once, he knew he couldn’t do it again. Then, his mind drifted to Dawn, and how absolutely alone she would be if anything went wrong. “We need to talk, Buffy,” he told her, dropping his hands and pulling his cigarettes out of his pocket. The time for waiting was over. They had to deal with this now.
Buffy nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.
“What do you want to know first?” All energy seem to deflate out of her, making her seem to shrink before his eyes.
“Let’s start with Angel.” He replied, turning a chair around and straddling it. He smoked his cigarette in silence, waiting for her to start.
The seconds ticked into minutes as she tried to figure out where to start. Her chest tightened, and tears threatened to spill as she thought of her first love.
“He hates me,” she said quietly, her voice thick.
“Peaches? Hate you? I bloody well doubt it.” Spike huffed, even though he remembered the coldness in his sire’s eyes at the mention of her name.
“I never thought he would, either. But I guess murder was more than he could forgive.”
If she had said that she had shagged fourteen guys in front of Angel, all while singing the theme song to ‘Friends’, Spike wouldn’t have been more stunned.
“Murder? What the bloody hell are you talking about?”
Buffy’s sad hazel eyes met his, and she took a deep breath. Would Spike hate her too? She wondered.
“Before I can tell you what happened with Angel, I have to explain what happened in Sunnydale.”
“Alright.”
“How much do you know about what happened there?” Spike’s scarred brow lifted at her question.
“Just that Tara, Xander and Willow died. And that Anya stayed a vengeance demon.” That’s all he had been able to find out. And apparently Angel had held out on him.
“Do you know how they died?”
“No.” Buffy’s lips started to tremble as she realized that she would have to tell the story all over again.
“Warren killed Tara, thinking she was me. Jonathan, and the other one, Andrew, had gotten arrested trying to rob a bank, or something. Willow and Tara had just gotten back together. She had been so happy, when I saw her at home. It was right after what happened at the Bronze.” Pain flashed through Spike’s eyes at that, and he dropped his head in shame.
“I’m sorry, for that. I would never. . .”
“I know. It was partially my fault, any way.” His head snapped up at that.
“Last I heard, rape wasn’t the victims fault. You said ‘NO’. I should have listened.”
“You didn’t rape me, Spike,” she reminded him.
“Oh. So, that makes it alright then?” His voice was harsh, but his hand was shaking as he took a drag from his cigarette.
“Spike, I’d spent months sending you mixed signals. Telling you ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’. Until it all melded into ‘don’t stop.’ You weren’t doing anything that I hadn’t let you do before. Trust me on this,” she said, when he would have interrupted. “I’ve had a long time to think about this. I’m more rational than I was then.”
He scowled at her, but her eyes told him to drop it.
“Fine, what happened after Glinda got killed?” Buffy’s lips quirked at the use of the old nickname.
“Well, as you would expect, Willow was a mess. She just completely freaked out. Me and Xander tried to console her, but there was nothing we could do. She had wanted to try to bring her back, but Tara hadn’t died by mystical means, like I was. She would have been a zombie. But, she still wanted to try. We managed to talk her out of it. I sat with her for I don’t know how long. And when I thought she was asleep, I left the room. I had to talk to Dawn. She loved Tara so much, too, ya know?” Spike nodded. The blonde witch had been a special one, touching each of their lives with her quiet strength.
“Well, after me and Dawn had ourselves a good cry, I went back to check on Willow. She was gone. Her window was opened, so, I rightly assumed that’s how she left. I called Xander, and he went out to look for her. I wanted to go to, but with Warren still running around, I didn’t want to leave Dawn. She said she wanted to go to you. But I was still mad at you.” Spike winced, the guilt stabbing him again. “Dawn let me have it pretty good. Reminded me about everything you’ve done. Letting Glory torture you for hours. Getting thrown off that tower. To say I was pretty much put in my place when she was done, would be an understatement. So, off to your crypt we went.”
“And I wasn’t there.” Spike stated, his guilt tripling. She had needed him, and he hadn’t been there. Just like Angel. Just like Riley.
“And you weren’t there.” Buffy remembered, vividly, the flood of emotion that had assaulted her when they’d found Clem, instead of Spike. Fear, that he wasn’t coming back. Anger that he’d left. Guilt, that she had driven him away. “But, I had to deal with Willow. So, I left Dawn with Clem,” she stood and went behind the bar to get some water. She took several long swallows to ease the ache in her throat.
“I met up with Xander at the Magic Box. We then went together to look for her. Found her at the bus station. Warren was trying to skip town.” Buffy drank more water, fighting the burn of tears behind her eyes. Spike watched her from his seat, working on his third cigarette. Her face was so full of anguish and fear, he almost told her to stop. But, he knew that she needed to purge, had to face it head on so she could heal. So, he held his tongue.
“She attacked the bus. All that power she’d been refusing to use for so long, she unleashed. There were innocents on it. Women, and children, business men just trying to get home. And Warren. Xander managed to get on the bus before it took off. I went to try to stop Willow. Try to make her see that what she was doing was wrong. I got as close to her as I could, keeping back from the electricity that was sparking around her. Xander had been trying to get people off the bus, but, once she let loose, that was impossible. The windows had all blown out, and the top had started crumbling, like a tin can. People were screaming, babies crying. I was yelling at Willow, but she didn’t hear me. Or wouldn’t hear me. Her eyes were black, and so was her hair. And, she was so pale. I tried to rush her, but, she had some barrier around her and I just kept getting bounced back. I started screaming that Xander was on the bus, hoping to get through to her that way, since I couldn’t touch her.” Buffy moved to sit back down on the bed, the water bottle dangling from her fingers. Her eyes danced around the room, not settling on anything as she continued. “Then, I heard this. . .screeching metal sound. I turned towards the bus, and just watched as the top started to pull back. I was so shocked, I just stood there watching,” her voice hitched, and she pressed a hand against her mouth, as if trying to hold back the horror of what happened next. “The bus started to rise up in the air, and it seemed to be moving in slow motion. Twenty feet in the air, and I just STOOD THERE as it started to roll. I didn’t snap out of it until the first person hit the pavement. It was a kid, Spike.” Tears streamed freely down her cheeks, and her breath was coming in rapid gasps. Her heart was pounding in her chest as her mind played out the memory in vivid technicolor. Spike was in front of her in an instant, gripping her tiny hands in his larger ones. She turned her fingers to lace through his, squeezing them so hard he felt a bone pop, but he ignored the pain.
“I threw myself at Willow. Screaming, crying. I kept getting thrown back, but I just got up and went at her again. I had to block out the noises behind me. The terrified screams, the sounds of bodies hitting the ground. I couldn’t think about Xander being on that bus. All those innocents being tossed around in her need to get to Warren.” Her wide, horrified hazel eyes met his shock filled blue ones. “And then, she started to shudder. And her eyes rolled back in her head. The next thing I know, she’s on the floor. And the bus. . .the b. . .bus. . .” Every part of her was shaking now, and Spike pulled her to the floor with him, cradling her in his lap, barely noticing the pain in his hand. “The bus fell. Crushing everyone that had managed to hang on when it turned upside down. I ran over to see. . .there was nothing. . .Xander. . .Oh God, XANDER!” Spike tightened his arms around her as her sobs filled the room. Spike felt shell shocked at her story, knowing she wasn’t done yet. A lone tear slipped down his cheek as he thought of the brunette boy. He may not have liked the whelp, but, he shouldn’t have died that way. He should have lived to a ripe old age with Anya, after he’d groveled properly to get her back, and after he forgave her for her drunken mistake with Spike.
“I. . .I. . .f-found him. He was half t-trapped under it. B-but, he was st-still alive. Barely. I held his hand, until the life ran out of him. The l-last thing h-he said was to t-tell Anya he l-loved her. And then he was gone.” Sobs continued to wrack through her as she went on. “I-I heard s-s-sirens. I got up and went to find W-W-Willow. Sh-she was gone. I-I ran. T-trailed her to A-Amy. H-her power h-had drained, that’s why she passed out. Sh-she was trying to take Amy’s power, so she could go after Jonathon and Andrew. I tried to reason with her. I told her they didn’t have anything to do with Tara’s death. Warren had done that. I tried to walk towards her, but she apparently juiced up enough to paralyze me. Then she went on to tell me that it was all of our fault that Tara was gone. And she seemed really pissed at you and Giles.” Buffy said, leaning her tear ravaged face back to look at him. She had calmed as she progressed through her story, and her stuttering had ceased.
“That’s because me and the Watcher didn’t believe in playing around with magic.”
“I know. She told me that you and Giles would be the last, because you two criticized her the most. I couldn’t let her, she’d already killed Xander, and Warren. Plus countless innocent people. I couldn’t let her kill you and Giles, too,” she paused, and took a deep breath, wiping a hand across her cheek. “Then she starts on me, telling me how Dawn would be better of without a sister who would rather spend her nights sleeping with a dead man, than stay at home with her.” Spike growled at that. “She told me that she pulled me out of Heaven, she could send me back. Amy was watching us, a little weak from Willow’s power drain. But, I guess she had enough left in her for one last zap, because, suddenly I was free. I attacked, just started throwing punches. She was on her knees before I knew it. Her eyes were so cold. I could see that she hated me. And, I punched her again. I only meant to knock her out, I swear. But, when she hit the floor, she was dead.” The last word fell almost silently from her lips. “I killed my best friend.” Closing her eyes, she waited for him to hate her, too.
“Luv, you did what you had to do. She would have kept coming and you know it. No jail woulda been able to hold her. And, eventually, she would have made her way through you, to me and Giles. And who’s to say she wouldn’t have gone after Dawn? Now, me, I’m no big deal. I’m just a demon, already have my space reserved in Hell. But, Rupert, and Dawn. Xander was already dead, could you have handled losing them, too?” She shook her head slowly, pulling in a deep shuddering breath. She should have known he wouldn’t judge her. He never had.
“I wouldn’t have been able to handle losing you, either. You’re not JUST a demon.” His undead heart clenched at her words.
“What happened next?” he asked, knowing they had reached the Angel part of the story.
“I went and got Dawn. Cried for a long time. Then we packed up, threw it all into Xander’s truck and hauled ass out of Sunnydale. First we stopped at Willy’s to leave a message for you there. Then, we went straight to Angel. But, when we got there, everything was in an uproar. Did you know Angel had a son?” she asked, her voice hollow.
“Before or after I left Sunnydale?”
“Before.”
“No. I didn’t know about him until I showed up a year later.”
“He’d just been kidnaped, apparently Wesley had something to do with it. Taken off to some other dimension by an old enemy of Angelus’.”
“Well, that explains why the kid was Dawn’s age when I got there.”
“Yeah. Anyway, nobody was there except him and Cordelia. She looked like hell. Angel pulls me into the office so we can talk and I started to tell him what happened. But, I can tell he’s not really listening to me. I ask him if he’s alright. But when he looks up at me, his eyes are so cold. He asks me how long I’ve been fucking you. I was stunned. It had been weeks since we’d last been together. How could he tell?”
“Vampire thing.” Spike said offhandedly, not really begin able to explain it. Angel knowing about them explained why he was so violent. Seeing he wasn’t going to elaborate, Buffy moved on.
“I told him it didn’t matter, that wasn’t the point. He actually growled at me. But, he let me finish. And then, he was just quiet. He stared at me as if he’d never seen me before. The next thing I know, Angel jumps up and starts screaming at me. Asking me how I could kill Willow. I’m the Slayer, I should have found another way. I told him that I didn’t have time to find another way. She was going to go after everybody I loved, and I couldn’t let her. He said she was only going after the guy who had killed her mate. I yelled back at him, asked him if he’d even been listening. She had killed Xander and a bus load of people. I didn’t want to kill her. Then,” her voice had dropped in decibel as she spoke, until she was whispering against his chest. Angel’s words had cut her so deep. Tears leaked from her eyes as she braced herself to finish. “He basically tells me that what happened was my fault, and if I had been a better friend, none of it would have happened. And he goes on to say that he can’t clean this up for me, or make me feel better. I’d just have to find a way to live with myself. And, he hoped I never did. I was speechless. I looked into the eyes of the man that I had loved with my whole being, and all I saw was Angelus. He had tried and convicted me, I was nothing to him, now. So, I told him something along the lines of ‘fuck you’. Then I dragged Dawn out of there and never looked back.”
“Why didn’t you go to Giles?” Sighing heavily, she looked at him.
“Because a lot of what Angel said hit home. I blamed myself, and I couldn’t stand the thought of disappointing him. Again.”
“Buffy, Giles would never have judged you. He loves you.”
“I thought Angel did too. And you,” she said quietly. Spike’s arms stiffened around her.
“What do you mean?”
“You never came back. I never knew what happened to you,” her voice was slightly accusatory.
“I left with the intention of coming back.” Spike started.
“What happened, then?”
“On the way back from Africa, I convinced myself you didn’t need me. You’d done a pretty good job of letting me know just that.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered against his chest, her voice muffled by his blue shirt.
“What’s that?” he wasn’t sure he had heard her right.
“I said, I’m sorry. I never should have treated you like that. Or said the things I said to you. I was so wrong, about so many things,” her voice hitched again, but she remained in control. Pulling away from him, Buffy turned and knelt in front of him. She cupped his cheek, running her thumb across the sharp plain. “I don’t want to be wrong anymore, Spike. I know, what I am about to say is seven years too late, but, I need to tell you. I love you.” She watched as the emotions danced through his eyes. Joy, doubt. Insecurity. How could she ever thought he couldn’t feel? One look in his eyes told any one who cared to find out that he did.
“Buffy, I. . .” Spike, for once, had no idea what to say. The words he had always longed to hear had just been said, and he didn’t know how to respond. His inner voice screamed at him to tell her he loved her, and take back what was his. But, he still had doubts. Him and Dawn were all that was left of her life in Sunnydale. What if he was just the vampire equivalent of a security blanket.
“Spike,” her hazel eyes stared into his, willing him to believe her, to believe IN her. “I. LOVE. YOU. I know it’s hard to believe, hard to think I’m serious. But, I am. I needed you, so bad, seven years ago. I didn’t want to go to Angel. We had no real place in each others lives anymore. But, you were gone. And I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want you to fix what happened, nobody can. I just needed you to ‘be.’ Like you had been since I came back. To stand beside me,” she began placing soft kisses on his mouth between her words, giving them punctuation. “I finally realized, after you didn’t come back. That it wasn’t all about me. You needed those things from me, too. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. And, I sure don’t deserve your love. But, if you could. . .” Spike stilled her words by capturing her mouth fully for a kiss.
“Buffy, I never stopped loving you. And as to forgiving you, there’s never been any question of that. I never should have left I’m no better that Peaches, or Soldier Boy.”
“Yes, you are. You’re the only one who loved me, in spite of me. Saw me at my worst and still loved me. You, the ‘soulless’ demon, were the only one that accepted ALL of me. Slayer, woman. Bitch.” They both smiled at that, some of the tension eased.
“I love you, Buffy.” His words were thick with emotion, his eyes stormy.
“I love you, too. William.” Their mouths came together in the most tender of kisses, each of them filled with the knowledge that they were finally, wholly, and completely loved. Spike pushed her back on the floor, gently, settling himself on top of her as his lips worshiped hers. Slowly, he tugged her shirt up, breaking the kiss long enough to toss it to the side. Buffy mimicked his actions, Spike’s shirt following hers. Their hands skimmed along each others skin, the moans and gasps becoming music. Spike broke away from her mouth, and slowly nipped his way down her jaw and throat, pausing to lovingly run his tongue over his mark on her neck. Her fingers buried themselves in his soft hair, pulling it free from the band.
“Please, Spike. I need you.” Tearing himself away from her, he pulled her jeans from her hips, then stood to add his to the pile. They stared at each other for a long moment, as if seeing each other for the first time. Then, he returned to her flushed body, sliding into her slick heat as he descended. Spike closed his eyes and fought for control, his body trembling with the force of emotion flowing through him.
Opening his eyes, his gold eyes burned into her hazel ones. “I love you,” he whispered, burying his face in her neck.
“Spike, I love you.” Over and over, with each thrust they repeated this, joy lacing their words. Slowly they built towards their climaxes, and, when Spike’s fangs pierced her flesh, she keened beneath him, his name falling from her lips.
“Mine,” he growled against her skin, his thrusts becoming quicker and more urgent.
“Always,” she breathed. Her acceptance of his claim sent him over the top, and he tensed as his cock pulsed his cold seed into her still clenching heat.
Retracting his fangs, he traced patterns through the blood still seeping. A wide smile split her features when his contented purr filled the room. Wrapping her arms around his back, she snuggled further beneath him, an allowed the rumbling from his chest to lull her to sleep.