Chapter 3: Dear Diary
“Could you let down your hair/and be transparent for a while/just a little while/to see if you’re human after all/Honesty is a hard attribute to find/when we all want to seem like/we got it all figured out…” ~Lifehouse, “Trying”
Joyce came out of her bedroom, past Spike, who was getting the same look of bemusement he always did when faced with all three Summers women at the same time. “Buffy, you know I have that show coming up, and Spike has the next couple days off.”
“I can still help, luv,” Spike inserted. “I don’t mind; you know that.”
Joyce shook her head. “You haven’t had a day off for a while. It’s the principle of the thing. Plus, there’s overtime, which you’re already into with that trip and setting up for the new show. You deserve a weekend.”
“Even if it isn’t on the weekend,” he said, smiling.
Buffy glared at him. Spike was always making light of her Dawn-duties. It was like he enjoyed being tailed by her little sister. “We’re going to the beach tomorrow. Classes start soon, and Spike’s hardly been able to get away all this last month. You know we’ve planned it!”
“And I need your help on this, Buffy.” Joyce sounded implacable. “You can take your sister for school supplies before you go, and then you can take her along with you.”
“Mom!” Dawn wasn’t much happier about the situation than her sister. “I thought you were going to take me for school supplies.”
“Buffy will take you,” Joyce said. “And then you can go to the beach. I’m sure Dawn would like a trip out there before school starts for her as well.”
When it looked as though World War III might break out in the hallway, Spike decided to try for world peace. “I don’t mind takin’ Dawn day after tomorrow, Joyce,” he said smoothly. “I’ve got that day off, an’ I know Buffy’s going to be with Rupert, workin’ on her new trainin’ schedule. I was goin’ to make a trip to the mall anyway. I’ll just grab Tara to come with me.”
The three women blinked. It was a novel solution. “That would be fine, Spike,” Joyce said warmly. “Although, tomorrow-“
“Bit can come with us,” he said, winking at Dawn, and giving Buffy a look that said clearly that they could talk about it later. “We won’t be doin’ much but layin’ about. She’s welcome to join us.”
She nodded. “Thank you, Spike. I really appreciate that.” Joyce gave Spike a kiss on the cheek as she passed him to get the front door. “Pizza’s here. Don’t be too long!”
Dawn looked as though she was trying to decide whether or not to be grumpy because she’d just had the next two days planned out for her, or whether to be excited to be spending an entire day with Spike-whom she thought was cool beyond the telling of it. “Thanks, Spike,” she finally said, heading down the stairs, trying not to sound too grudging.
“Anytime, Niblet,” he replied, turning back to Buffy to face her wrath.
“Spike!” Buffy hissed. “Does grown-up time mean anything to you?”
“Sure it does,” he murmured, moving closer. “Means a lot to me, an’ I’ll be showin’ you just how much a little later tonight. But your mum needed a hand, an’ you know I don’t mind havin’ Dawn around.”
Buffy shook her head. “I swear, Spike. Sometimes I think you like my family more than you like me.”
Spike gave her an exasperated look. “Buffy, you’ve got a mum and a little sis who love you to bits. I’ve got you, an’ I’ve got them, an’ that’s it. You lot are my family.”
Buffy looked a bit abashed, though she still wasn’t happy about losing out on quality time with her boyfriend. Granted, the beach thing was a group activity, and the day after she’d planned on spending most of her time with Giles, but she’d still had some hopes. She always forgot how seriously Spike took his role in her life, and in the lives of her sister and mom. In fact, Buffy sometimes thought that he was a better son and brother to them than she was a daughter and sister.
It could be just a little bit irritating at times.
“Fine,” Buffy finally grumbled. “But you’re going to have to make it up to me, mister.”
Spike smiled, and did that little thing with his tongue that drove her crazy-in a good way. “Tonight, I’ll worship your body,” he promised.
Buffy could hardly wait.
~~~~~
Entry from Dawn’s diary:
No one knows who I am. Not the real me, anyway. It’s like nobody even cares to find out. No one ever asks me what my opinion is, or what I want on my pizza, or what I want to do with my life. No one understands. No one has an older sister who’s the Slayer.
Everybody thinks Buffy’s so great, just because she can do back flips and stuff. Like that’s such a great job skill. It’s always like, “Buffy’s saving the world.” Well, I could so totally save the world if you handed me superpowers.
At least Spike’s cool about things. He’s always looking out for me, and he totally treats me like a grown-up. Sometimes I wish he was my brother instead of Buffy being my sister. I’ll bet he’d get me. I guess he and Buffy are practically engaged though, so maybe he will be my brother one of these days.
~~~~~
“Dawn, hurry up! We were supposed to leave fifteen minutes ago!” Buffy yelled up the stairs, turning to look at Spike, exasperated. “Let me just remind you that bringing her was your idea.”
“And who else was goin’ to look after the Bit today?” he asked reasonably. “We’re all goin’ to be at the beach, an’ your mum has the showing to get ready for.” A look of worry crossed his face. “Speakin’ of, I hope she doesn’t need me today. I wouldn’t mind-“
“You wouldn’t mind bending over backwards for her and Dawn,” Buffy said, raising an eyebrow. “But what about your girlfriend, huh? Do you ever think about me?”
He smirked, knowing that she was mostly teasing. “Thought about you last night, didn’t I?” he asked. “Gave you a proper seeing to.”
“You did,” Buffy said, moving a little closer. “You know what I’m thinking of right now? I’m thinking of suntan lotion and a certain guy that might get burnt to a crisp.”
Spike’s eyes glazed over slightly. “You gonna take care of me then, luv?”
“Geez, get a room,” Dawn said, coming down the stairs. “Impressionable kid here.”
Spike looked up, raising a scarred eyebrow. “Your fault for leavin’ us waitin’ for you so long, Little Bit,” he teased. “If you’d been on time, we’d have been halfway to the beach by now.”
Dawn stuck her tongue out at him, and Spike returned the gesture, though he waited until Buffy had turned to get the door. “Let’s go,” the Slayer said impatiently. “I’ve waited too long already.”
Dawn trailed behind them as Spike pulled out his cell to call the others and let them know he was coming. Even though a day at the beach beckoned, Dawn wasn’t sure that it was going to be that much fun. Not that she didn’t enjoy spending time with her sister’s friends, it was just that Buffy always treated her like she was some big nuisance. Dawn was convinced that it was her sister who was the bigger pain.
~~~~~
Spike used to be this big bad vampire, and he tried to kill Buffy a lot. But then he got turned into a human and started helping her. Mom even let him stay with me when she had to go on business trips last year, before he started working for her at the gallery. He would let me stay up and watch TV with him and stuff. For somebody who was supposedly so scary, Spike’s a big pushover.
Spike came over all the time last year, I think because Mom was worried that he wasn’t taking care of himself. He’d help me with my homework and tell us about all the places he’d visited.
He never really calls anyone by their real name either. He has these cool nicknames for everybody, except for Mom and Buffy’s Watcher. He calls them by their first names, I think because he really respects them. I asked Spike why he makes up names for people, and he said it was because his names mean something, but I think it’s because his names tell people where they really stand with him.
~~~~~
“So Dawnie, you all ready to go back to school?” Willow was planning on heading to the Magic Shop with Buffy and Giles while Spike and Tara took Dawn shopping. She gave the younger girl a hug.
Dawn shrugged. “I guess. I just mostly need school supplies now. Mom said we could go shopping for clothes when she had a day off.”
“We can look for clothes today too, Dawn,” Tara said. “If you wanted to, I mean.”
Dawn looked a little uncertain. “I guess that might be okay.”
“Well, we’ve got a budget,” Spike said with a grin. “We come in under that, maybe we can get a treat for you, for bein’ such a good sport an’ all.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, coming up behind him. They had decided to meet up at the Espresso Pump, though she was certain that most of the reason Giles had agreed to it was because he wanted to show off his new car. “Like she needs a reward for going shopping, Spike.”
Spike gave her a look, the kind of look that said, “Be nice to your little sister, Buffy.” The Slayer was beginning to get aggravated. Everybody was so lenient with Dawn, and they always expected her to pick up the slack, as if she didn’t have enough to worry about already. It was driving her crazy, especially since Spike’s fondness for Dawn was going to spoil her rotten.
“Tara an’ I have our own lists,” he said quietly. “Dawn will just have to be patient with us while we finish up our shoppin’. Think you can stand it, Bit?”
“I’ll be fine,” Dawn replied, trying to sound as grown up and nonchalant as possible.
Giles smiled. “That’s the spirit. You know, Buffy, we really should be going.”
“Fine,” Buffy said, giving Spike a kiss. “I’m going to see you later tonight, right?”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” he assured her, turning back towards the DeSoto. “Speak with you later, Rupert?”
“Of course, Spike,” Giles replied. “Give me a ring.”
“You’ll be over your midlife crisis by then, I hope,” Spike called back, with a grin. He couldn’t resist giving Giles a hard time about his new car, and he made sure his door was shut before the other man could reply. “All set ladies?” he asked Tara and Dawn, making sure they were buckled in before pulling away from the curb.
~~~~~
I don’t think Buffy’s Watcher likes me much. He and Spike get along okay, and he’s over with Mom a lot, but I don’t think he knows much about young people these days. I heard him say “newfangled” once, so he’s got to be pretty far gone.
Buffy’s friend Willow is the awesomest. She’s the only person I know who likes school as much as me, and her friends are cool too. Like Tara. They’re both witches, which is way cooler than being the Slayer. They do spells and stuff. I told mom one time that I wished they would teach me some of the stuff they do together, and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. I guess her generation’s not cool with witchcraft.
~~~~~
Spike kept a careful eye on Dawn while she browsed the racks at the clothing store, as he leaned up against the wall next to Tara. “Are you sure you don’t want this one?” she asked, holding out a patterned shirt. “I think it would look great on you.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t think I’m up for patterns yet, Glinda. Better stick to solids for me.” Spike looked over towards the littlest Summers, who was holding up a brightly colored skirt with a considering eye. It was too short, but she was going to try to get it by him. Spike smirked. Joyce had given him very specific instructions, and he had no intention of disappointing her. “What about you?”
Tara frowned. “This is a guy’s shirt, Spike.”
He laughed. “I’m just wonderin’ how you were, ‘s all. Haven’t seen much of you this summer.”
“Oh, you know how it is,” she said vaguely. “With you and Buffy together, and me and Willow, we’re all kind of wrapped up in each other. It’s-hard.”
Spike eyed her knowingly. “We outsiders have to stick together, luv.”
Tara looked startled, and then blushed, looking away. “I don’t-okay, I do, but you-” she stammered, trying to explain, and not succeeding very well.
“I don’t quite fit either,” Spike replied, looking past her at Dawn, who had several items over her arm. He watched as the girl grabbed a salesperson and ducked into a fitting room. “‘ve made my own connections, Glinda, to Buffy, an’ her mom, an’ such. Rupert, of course, doesn’t count, since he’s my uncle.”
Tara giggled a little, knowing what a fiction that was. “Yeah, but you seem to fit so well,” she objected. “You’re just-there, an important part.”
“You’re important too,” Spike insisted. “You might not see it yet, but you’re the steady one. The others, they’re still kids yet, barely older than Dawn over there. You’ve got some living behind you.”
“So do you,” Tara replied. She met his eyes then, as one old soul to another, and smiled. “It meant a lot, you know. What you said to me-about me being human.”
Spike’s eyes lit up. “Glad to have been able to help.” He looked off into the distance. “Sometimes I wonder, you know, what the point is of me bein’ here. Wonder of what possible use I could be to Buffy an’ the others.”
“Well, Dawn adores you,” Tara pointed out. “And so does Mrs. Summers. I think you’ve helped both of them a lot.”
“But would it matter if I wasn’t here anymore?” Spike asked in return, almost idly. “What is a man, an’ what is his life but a vapor, a passing breath?”
“Are you feeling your own mortality, Spike?” Tara asked gently.
“Among other things,” he agreed. “Mine an’ others. My life’s as uncertain now as it ever was, I guess. ‘s folks like you, an’ the Niblet, that make it solid.”
As if called, Dawn showed up in front of them. “Okay, I think I’ve found it.”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “An’ if I didn’t see it on, how am I to know that your mum won’t skin me for lettin’ you buy it?” he asked, knowing full well that the outfit was outside the limits set.
“Spike!” Dawn whined. “Come on. I’m old enough to wear a short skirt.”
“Not that short.” He gave her a wicked grin. “‘s gotta be below the knees, Bit. Mum’s orders.”
“Spike!”
Tara quickly intervened, shooting Spike a glance that was half amused, half exasperated. “Be nice, Spike. Come on, Dawn. Let’s see what we can do.”
Spike watched them go. He had long since accepted his fate as a man permanently entranced by Summers women. He’d fallen in love with Joyce and Dawn long before he was conscious of any attraction to the Slayer.
The first time he’d seen Dawn was the night he’d made the truce with the Slayer. She’d been a tiny thing, standing on the stairs, big eyes looking down at him. Then she’d stuck out her tongue and darted away. As the Big Bad at the time, Spike had been completely-enchanted. That was truly the only word for it. Just as he’d been enchanted by Joyce when she’d invited him for hot chocolate after Dru dumped him. Both of them had a lot of spunk, and a lot of class.
Then, becoming human, having no idea what he was going to do with himself or of what use he could possibly be, Joyce had asked him to babysit Dawn. No one else had been available, and Buffy was busy with school. She’d left him with her baby daughter and a list of emergency numbers to call.
The two of them had stared at one another, and Dawn had said, “I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Maybe I need lookin’ after,” he’d replied. At her thoughtful look, Spike had added, “We could look after each other.”
Buffy had good reason to accuse him of loving her mom and sister better than her. If Buffy ever dumped him, he’d be crushed. If he lost his family though-if he lost Joyce and Dawn-he had serious doubts as to his ability to survive.
“Will this do?” Dawn asked sarcastically, modeling an outfit for him. The skirt was a couple inches longer than the one she’d tried to sneak past him, and the shirt actually covered her abdomen, rather than showing several inches of skin.
“You look right nice, Niblet,” Spike said sincerely. “I’ll be beatin’ the boys off you with a tire iron.”
A wide smile broke out over her face. “Thank you, William,” she replied, as dignified as any queen. Spike watched her go back to the dressing rooms, stopping to giggle with Tara. In that instant, he’d caught a glimpse of the woman she was to become, and he thought she would be breathtaking.
~~~~~
“One more stop,” Spike said a few hours later. Tara and Dawn were slurping up the last of their ice cream cones, and he was good-naturedly carrying their bags.
Dawn looked over at him. “Another one? I thought we got everything on the list Mom gave you.”
“We did,” he replied. “We also got everythin’ on Tara’s list. Now we’re finishin’ up my shoppin’ before we can get out of this bloody mall.”
“What do you need to get, Spike?” Tara asked curiously. She knew he’d gotten some new clothes. She’d even managed to talk him into the blue and cream shirt, for which Buffy was sure to thank her.
“Electronics store,” he explained briefly, handing them back their bags. The girls trailed him in as he went to speak to one of the men behind the counter. A few minutes later, Spike had a large box tucked under one arm, and he went to take his bags back from Tara.
Dawn stared at the box. “Whatcha got?”
“Laptop.”
“That’s what you and Willow were so deep in conversation about the other day,” Tara said in sudden comprehension. “She was pretty secretive.”
“I asked her to be,” Spike replied, looking a little uncomfortable.
Dawn frowned. “Why? I don’t think a laptop qualifies as contraband, Spike.”
He gave her a disgruntled look. “No, but then everybody an’ their brother wants to know what I want with a computer. ‘s my business.” He spoke as if that settled it, but Dawn and Tara exchanged a glance well known among women-it said that there was no way he was going to get away with keeping such delicious news to himself.
“We won’t tell,” Dawn coaxed. “Will we, Tara?”
“Of course we won’t tell,” Tara replied. “You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, Spike,” she said magnanimously.
“Bloody hell,” Spike muttered, knowing that he was doomed. “I wanted to try writin’ again. If you must know.”
“Again?” Dawn picked up on the word like a hound dog on a rabbit. “You wrote?”
“Once upon a time,” Spike grumbled. He suddenly looked irritated and frustrated and somehow sad. “Look, it was a long time ago. I just wanted somethin’ to do that was-“
“Yours,” Tara said, in understanding.
Spike nodded. “You won’t say anythin’? Red just knows I want a computer. She thinks ‘m finally joining the 21st century.”
“Our lips are sealed,” Tara promised.
Dawn snorted. “As if I’d tell Buffy. Please.”
“Right then,” Spike said, taking a deep breath. He wasn’t even sure why he was trying to write again, though he thought he’d stick to prose, instead of poetry. As Tara had deduced, it was partly to have something of his own. It was also because he wanted to. Even if he never showed it to anyone else, he wanted his life on paper-or on microchip as the case might be.
Writing was the last bit of his lost humanity that he hadn’t tried to unearth yet. It was the only piece that felt incomplete, but it was also the most private part of who he had been. He didn’t think he was quite ready for anyone else to know, but he trusted Dawn and Tara.
Spike might trust Buffy with his life, but there was still a piece of his heart he was unsure about revealing.