Chapter 45
Buffy froze in place, her eyes wide, her mouth partially open as she stared up at him, his words still ringing in her ears. She continued trapped in her foggy daze when he spoke:
“Buffy…?” He felt his heart beating erratically in his chest as if it wanted to leap out.
The small beads of sweat came together to trail down his bare back and, when a soft breeze blew passed them, sending a chill through him, he realised he should have grabbed a shirt before racing after her. He fidgeted nervously, fisting and unfisting his hands repeatedly as he waited for her reaction, but she remained motionless in front of him, stiff as a board and gawking wide-eyed up at him. ‘Ok! Maybe this wasn’t the right time to tell her.’ He wondered nervously. His mind raced with all the possible reactions she could have. The catatonic one she was doing now only served to heighten his despair.
“Buffy…?” He called again with a faltering voice.
This time it seemed to have some effect as she suddenly shook her head and blinked a couple of times.
“Yes?” She asked, trying to keep the edginess out of her voice as she ran her trembling hand over her forehead and a forced, nervous smile tugged at the corners of her lips; her gaze bounced over every available surface in a desperate attempt to avoid meeting his stare.
“D-Did…” He swallowed hard as he tilted his head and repeated: “Did you hear what I just said?”
“Um… yes… Um…” She was completely lost. Somehow, all ability to speak had abandoned her, or maybe it was the tight knot that was forming at the base of the throat and was now making it impossible for her to breathe, let alone speak. “Um… It’s late!” She suddenly blurted out, finally meeting his gaze. “I gotta go. Goodnight.”
Next thing he knew she was gone and the front door of her house was being slammed in his face, leaving him standing in her front porch… shirtless, in the middle of the night.
After the few seconds it took him to gather his wits, he moved almost on autopilot, his index finger reaching for the small button on the doorframe and pressing it.
Buffy leaned against the door, her heart beating at an almost unnatural pace as she pulled ragged breaths from her lungs. She really couldn’t deal with this right now. Not right now. He loved her? How? She shook her head to push back the myriad of questions that assaulted her mind. She jumped up when the doorbell rang again and she heard him call out her name.
“Buffy, are you really planning on leaving me out here half naked all night?” She heard him shout.
There was no answer.
“Buffy!”
A small blonde head popped out from behind the door.
“Will you keep it down?” She hissed at him, letting him inside. “You’re gonna wake up the entire neighbourhood. You don’t have to shout.” She forced a sigh out of her, in a frustrated attempt to look calm, rolling her eyes and once again avoided meeting his gaze.
“I just told you I was in love with you and you slammed the sodding door in my face. How am I supposed to react?” He asked; the exasperation clear in his voice.
“Well, what did you expect? You don’t say that to a girl in a middle of a fight.” She explained as the stutter began to creep its way into her speech. “You-you don’t just say something like *that*.” Her arms were flying around in erratic swings as she rambled on: “It’s not something you just… blurt out, you know? I—I mean, one minute we’re having this all out fight and the next you’re saying…” She struggled with the words: “You’re saying… *it*. You just- I-I didn’t expect that. I-I-“ She shook her head and a frown took over her eyebrows as she repeated with more conviction: “You can’t just say that.”
“Buffy, I lov-“
“You don’t!” She stopped him in mid sentence and he stared at her wide-eyed.
“What?” He asked in a weak voice.
“You don’t.”
“Huh?” Now he was confused.
“You don’t…” She felt the word getting caught in her throat and wasn’t able to finish her sentence.
Spike continued staring at her like she had grown a second head.
“What are you talking about? Of course I-“
“No, you don’t!” She insisted, letting out a long sigh as she headed into the kitchen.
Spike was still a bit shocked. Out of all the scenarios he had enacted in his head, this was never one of them. It took him a few seconds to realise she had left him standing in the hall. Shaking his head slightly and blinking a couple of times, he followed her into the kitchen to find her pacing around the room; a bottle of water tightly clutched in her sweaty hands.
“Buffy, you have to believe me. I do lov-“
She came to a halt as she spoke up, cutting him off:
“Four months ago you were still moping around over Dru cheating on you. Planning how to get her back because she was your… dark princess or whatever weird pet name you had for her. And now, all of a sudden, you say that you… you… you know.” She waved her hand in the air as she failed to say the word once more.
“Why are you so obsessed over Dru and I?” He was finally able to speak a complete sentence.
“Because you were completely meant to be together! I mean, you’re both English, both into the whole Goth slash punk thing… you’re both *nuts*, that’s for sure!” She ran her hand over her forehead and took in a deep breath.
“So just because me and Dru have got some things in common…”
“Some things?!” She asked almost outraged. “You’re practically the same person, only different genders and she’s a bit more out of it than you are.” She stated widening her eyes at him.
“Just because we have things in common doesn’t mean that we were meant to be together.” He countered. When he realised it wasn’t having the desired effect, he added: “She was snogging Angel!”
“Yes, and even so you still wanted her!” Buffy noted, raising her voice.
There was silence between the two of them until she sighed and let the bottle of water rest on the counter.
“You were crazy about her for so long. Anyone could see it.” She said in a defeated tone.
“You’re right.” He spoke after a moment of pause. “I was completely obsessed with her.”
Buffy felt her stomach turn at what he said next.
“She was all I thought about, all I dreamt about and it’s true…” He paused for a beat: “I loved her. I won’t deny it. But it’s over now.”
“You better go home…” Buffy breathed, her head bowed as she started heading for the hall once again. “You’re gonna catch a cold if you keep-”
She felt a chill run down her spine when he moved and blocked her passage. They stood toe-to-toe, staring at each other.
“I’m in love with you.” He whispered, reaching to push an unruly thread of hair away from her face, but she stepped away before he could touch her.
“No, you aren’t.” She insisted.
Her words seemed to trigger the anger inside of him as he inhaled sharply and fisted his hands in an attempt to control his rage.
“That’s really arrogant of you, Summers, you know that? To presume to know my feelings better than I do?”
“Well, maybe I do.” She challenged him, raising her chin.
“Oh, really?” He narrowed his eyes at her.
She nodded.
“Well, did you know that the first time I saw you I felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room and I couldn’t breathe?”
She was a bit shocked but quickly found a way to counter:
“That’s very romantic, but we were in the middle of the courtyard, and you were yanking my ponytail and the way you were shouting ‘Fake blonde ahead, danger, danger!’ I doubt it that you had any trouble breathing.” She spat back sarcastically.
“You don’t remember do you?” He asked, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes at her once again.
“Remember what?”
“Walking into my Da’s bookshop for the first time.” He replied and she frowned. “You didn’t see me, I was stacking up some books in the back while you were talking to Da.” He paused and looked at her intensely as he continued: “But I saw you.” He breathed. “You’re hair was longer then, less wavy” His hand hovered around his head as he spoke: “and you had it pinned up in messy bundle. You wore a light-blue summer dress. The one the whelp ruined last year when he spilled his lunch all over it.”
Buffy simply stared at him, her mouth partially open as she listened to him.
“I couldn’t get my eyes off you. I remember you giggled at something my Da said. Don’t remember what, I just remember feeling as if someone had just punched me in the stomach. You said something back and then you were gone.” He spoke calmly as he started to move away from her. “I wondered if I was ever gonna see you again and sure thing, next day there you were, standing in the middle of the courtyard with Red…” He chuckled a bit as a memory seemed to come to him. “Remember it took me practically the entire break to get the courage to come over to talk to you. When I finally did, Peaches suddenly pranced into the picture. You just gawked at him like he was God’s gift to womankind.” He felt his stomach turn at the memory. “You might have been together for just three mouths, but you had your eye set on him even back then. I guess I hated the poof even before the Andrew thing.” He smirked and shook his head. “So, I did whatever normal fifteen year-old kid does to call a girl’s attention. I embarrassed you in front of the entire student body. Made a lasting impression.”
He took in a deep breath as started walking around the isle, running his fingers over the white surface:
“Then I met Dru. She was like no one else. She was dark and wild, but at the same time frail and weak. It felt good to feel wanted… needed.” He stopped and looked up at her and chuckled a bit.
His eyes were unfocussed as he remembered the past.
“Come to think about… she knew. Dru… She knew you had a hold on me even before I did. Every time I said something about you she would go into one of her madcap, screw-loose episodes. She’d start babbling and rambling, making even less sense than she usually did. Saying that you were going to take me away from her. That you were a thief and that you were going to steal me from her.” He smiled and looked up at Buffy. “I just thought she was nuts. I was *so* sure I hated you. Everything about you made my entire body scream. I thought it was out of anger and hatred. Turns out it was lust and wanting.” He paused and stared straight into her eyes. “I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you… but I only fell in love with you when you kissed me. That kiss in the library had me spinning for days on end.”
Buffy seemed to be frozen in place as he began walking towards her, shortening the distance between them until he was towering in front of her once again.
“You might not believe it… but I do love you.” He whispered, running his thumb over her paled cheek; her eyes wide, staring up at him. He smiled and let his hand drop at his side. “Well, I better go, pet.”
The sight of him walking around her seemed to snap her out of her daze. She shook her head and turned around.
“Where are you going?”
“Home. My Da must be going up the walls by now.” He replied as he began to walk away again.
In a flash, he felt a hand on his arm turning him around and before he knew it he was being slammed against the frige; Buffy’s mouth pressed against his in a demanding kiss. It took him a few seconds to react to the warm body brushing against his naked torso, but soon his hands wrapped around her small form and his lips parted, granting her the needed access to deepen the kiss. Buffy moaned into his mouth when he swept her off her feet and she suddenly found herself pinned against the refrigerator door. They battled for dominance. Buffy’s hands flew everywhere, roaming up and down his body until they settled around his neck.
Spike gasped when she suddenly jumped against him, skilfully wrapping her legs around his waist before tearing her mouth from his to gasp:
“Stay.” She said between pants as she stared down at him, panting. Her pupils were dilated to a ridiculous extent and, for a second, it looked like she had ebony eyes.
“But my Da’s…”
She let her fingers trail between his unruly curls, her other hand brushing down his back.
“Please, stay.” She breathed, tightening her grip around his waist and consequently rubbing her pelvis against his.
His eyes rolled back in their sockets and he had to swallow hard before he could speak.
“Ok.”
She let out a sigh of relief and eagerly leaned in to kiss him but he pulled back. At her frown, he explained:
“I better call him first, though.” He managed to say.
Instinctively, she pouted, her lower lip jutting out as her eyebrows came together high on her forehead for a painful frown.
“It’ll only take a second. I promise.” He guaranteed her.
Reluctantly, she let her feet drop to the floor and pulled away from his embrace, standing still in the middle of the kitchen as she watched him walk over to the phone. He picked up the receiver, his eyes leaving hers for a second as he dialled the familiar number. He waited a beat, his gaze returning to her, to see her nervously fidget with the edge of the sweater. She looked so cute when she did that.
He was snapped out of his thoughts when someone picked up the phone on the other side of the line.
“Hey, Da? Yeah… it’s me. I-I know, I’m sorry.” There was a moment of pause as he listened to his father rant. “I know. I said I’m sorry… Um… no, I was… um…” More silence. “No, everything’s fine. I’m at Buffy’s. Yes, she’s ok too.” His hand instinctively went through his dishevelled curls as he continued the conversation. “No… um… actually I was thinking of staying here. Yeah, sleep over. Is that ok?”
Buffy’s grip on her sweater tightened as she waited for a reaction from Spike. It took a while as he remained silent.
“Oh… um… I know, I left in a hurry and I forgot to take a shirt…” His eyes wandered over the room as he thought of a solution. His gaze finally fell over Buffy’s waving form.
“You can borrow some of my dad’s old things.” She whispered from the kitchen.
“Buffy says I can borrow one of her dad’s old shirts.” Spike paused once more. “Well… da, I don’t know why they still have clothes of Buffy’s father around the house.” He frowned at Buffy, shrugging. Was his father acting jealous? Weird. “Ok, then… Don’t worry. I’m not gonna get into trouble. Ok, Da. See you tomorrow.” He paused and rolled his eyes as he listened to his father give him the usual stuttered warnings. “Ok, goodnight, Da. Bye. Ok! I got it! Night!” Finally he was able to set the receiver back in its place.
“So, you can stay?” Buffy asked nervously as she leaned on the isle.
“Yeah… But just cause we don’t have school tomorrow.” Spike replied, his hands digging into the back pockets of his jeans.
For some strange reason he felt nervous. Very nervous. Well, maybe it wasn’t strange, considering he had just told Buffy he loved her a few times now and she hadn’t said anything back. He swallowed hard and tried to push back the thought.
“So…” He started.
“So…” She repeated; the butterflies in her stomach and the knot in her throat making it almost impossible to speak.
There was silence until Spike finally spoke:
“When’s you’re mom coming back?”
“Tomorrow afternoon.” Buffy quickly replied with an anxious smile. “She called to say goodnight before I went to… your house and…” She trailed off; her pathetic attempt to fill in the soundless moment turning against her.
“Yeah…” He muttered.
Silence.
“You dad… Was he ok? I mean, I-I’m sorry we woke him up and…”
“He’s ok. He was kinda worried about me going out half naked.” Spike supplied, outstretching his arms, showing his current state of undress.
“Yeah…”
“Yeah…”
When the silence became too much to bare Buffy pushed herself off the isle and started walking towards the hall.
“We better go…” She said pointing up the stairs.
Spike nodded and followed her up. They reached the room and the awkward stillness hovered around them as Buffy moved about the room, Spike simply stood back as if waiting for instructions.
“I’m just gonna go…” She finally spoke, clinging to her towel and pointing at the door. “Take a shower.”
“Oh, ok.” Spike nodded.
She was about to leave when she stopped in her tracks.
“Do you want something to sleep in…? You know, shirt, shorts? I-I can go to the basement to get them.” Buffy stammered slightly.
“No, I’m fine.”
Buffy nodded.
“I’ll be right back.” She breathed before exiting the room.
Spike let out a deep breath and let his body drop limply onto the bed. What was he doing? Why had he said it? Stupid, stupid, stupid! It was obvious she wasn’t ready to take that step. He was pressuring her. Stupid!
“Me and my big mouth…” He muttered as he stared up at the ceiling, regretting ever having brought up the subject.
~+~
Buffy let the warm water run down her back as she faced the wall, her forehead leaning on the cold tile, while her hands rested on the faucets.
Her heart was still racing, her mind swirling with the events of that evening. Goosebumps spread over her flushed skin as she remembered what he had told her back in the kitchen. The thought of him wanting her for all that time sent a shiver of feminine pride over her entire body as her cheeks turned bright red.
She shook her head, turning off the water and gathering her hair between her hands to twist it. She wrapped the towel around her soaked form and walked over to the mirror. One trembling hand came into contact with the cold surface of the mirror, brushing away the small droplets of condensed water in order to see her reflection. She stared at herself as all the memories flooded her mind. Form the first time she had seen him to the day of their infamous pact. A smile crept over her lips as she remembered her reluctance to kiss him. A giggle escaped her parted lip at the memory of him hiding between her sheets as her mother walked into the room. Her heartbeat increased as she remembered the day in the classroom, when they had been caught making out on the teacher’s desk. She stood there for a few moments, replaying every single moment since then. It seemed so far away; a world away. She couldn’t picture her day-to-day without him at her side. It seemed almost absurd.
With a long sigh and a confident smile she turned around and walked out of the bathroom.