Chapter 23
“You’re an idiot.”
When Cordelia Chase called you an idiot, dammit, she meant it.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Buffy flipped up the car window visor after she checked her makeup in the mirror. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I’m trying to do the right thing?”
Cordelia rolled her eyes as she turned the car out of the school’s parking lot. “You haven’t spoken to him since the recital.”
“Yeah? And?”
“That was almost two weeks ago. He’s going out of his mind.”
“And how would you know?” Buffy narrowed her eyes and turned as best as she could to face her friend. “You’re awfully informative lately about his comings and goings.”
“I’m psychic.”
“Uh-huh.”
“It’s true. I watched that chick on Oprah who speaks to dead guys and I think I have the shine,” she said, comically avoiding the subject.
“Yeah, you’ve got the shine all right. It’s called T-Mobile, and I’m totally checking your recent calls list,” Buffy said, digging in Cordelia’s purse for her pink rhinestone-encrusted cellular.
“Hey, loser! Don’t you—dammit, Buffy!” Cordelia sighed in frustration as Buffy laughed victoriously, having pilfered the phone and held it out of her reach.
She scrolled through the list on the screen, nodding at all the usual names. “Yup…Yup, yup, yup…scandalous!”
“Pete?” Cordelia said, smiling smugly when she was sure Buffy saw his name appear on the caller ID list.
“Did you?”
“Almost…but I don’t give it away for just anybody! And besides, have you seen his car?” She shivered in disgust. “I wouldn’t even sitin that thing without a hazmat suit on, let alone get past first base in it.”
“Tease.” Buffy looked back at the phone and her eyes widened suddenly. “Aha! That’s totally Rupert’s shop number. And again…and…” Buffy folded her arms and slowly turned her head towards her best friend.
Cordelia started humming sweetly, her eyes darting occasionally over towards her.
“Cordelia.”
“Did I tell you how cute you look in that dress?”
“Cordy,” she said through clenched teeth.
“Because you do! In fact, I’m totally jealous and want it. Is that Marc Jacobs?”
Ignoring Cordelia’s lame attempt to bribe her out of a verbal beat-down, Buffy said as cool as a mob boss, “Would you care to tell me why you have Spike’s home number saved in your directory, and why there are several calls back and forth between the two of you?”
“We were…um…planning a surprise party?”
Buffy clicked her tongue, her eyelashes fluttering on the edge of madness as she inhaled to keep calm.
“A surprise party. For what occasion?” The saccharine smile Buffy wore matched the mock-innocence of the tilt in her head.
“For the…um…We Love Buffy Party that I’m going to start throwing annually right after we have this conversation?”
“You’re supposed to be my best friend, and you’re screwing around with the guy who I kind of, maybe, sort of want to be with?”
“I hope you heard what you just said, for real, and also, no? My God, who do you take me for, Harmony?”
“Then what the hell are you doing? And no more avoiding the subject because I am this close to yanking the steering wheel and crashing your car into the bushes over there.”
“All right, all right, Jesus. Don’t go maniac on me. I just…I thought he could…use a friend.”
Buffy felt her nostrils flaring like a bull waiting to charge a matador. If she laid a hand on him, if something happened, Buffy was going to lose it. “What kind of friend, Cordy?”
“We just talk, Buffy. About you, if you have to know.”
“I don’t care what you talk about. You totally stepped over the line.”
Even though it seemed nothing happened between them, it still stung that Cordelia and Spike had more phone conversations together than she ever had with him, and probably as a result, knew more about him than Buffy did. Of course she might have taken a moment to pick up the phone and call him if she needed to know him so badly…but still! Best friend pact! You don’t do this to your best friends, even if they’re being stupid. But Buffy was totally not being stupid if anyone cared what she had to say about it, which they usually didn’t!
“I felt bad for the guy! Are you really mad at me because I’ve been reassuring him that you aren’t a complete bitch?”
Buffy gasped. “Stop the car.”
“Well what the hell is going on with you anyway? You’ve been acting weird lately.”
“Gee…what could I possibly be acting so weird about lately? Hmm…let’s see. Oh, here’s a start. My boyfriend was stalking me and threatening my security guard, trying to run Spike over and ship him off to jail, he’s still creeping me out at school, everyone is talking about it, I have an audition in two days that I’m totally wigging out over, my mother is fucking crazy and my dad showed up for an entire thirty seconds and he can kiss my ass. Stop the damn car, Cordy!”
“Buffy, I’m sorr—”
“Stop the car!”
When Cordelia pulled to a stop, sixteen large blocks from Buffy’s estate, she turned to speak but was cut off immediately.
“Out of all the people in my life, I never thought you’d be one of them too.”
“What? Buffy—”
Her face was hot, her eyes stung, and her chest prickled with emotion as she breathed. “I don’t need anyone’s help. Contrary to popular belief, I can do things on my own without special assistance. I don’t need Angel to tell me where to go to school. I don’t need my dad to tell me how unimportant I am. I don’t need my mom suddenly in my business. And I don’t need my best friend meddling with my love life! If you care about me at all, Cordy, you won’t talk to him again.”
“I swear, nothing is going on. I just wanted to—”
“You just wanted to handle it for me.”
Cordelia’s body crumpled as she turned to face the steering wheel.
“And that’s precisely the problem.” Buffy exited the vehicle and said one last thing. “I mean it, Cordelia. Stay out of it.”
“Fine! I will stay out of it. I’ll stay out of it completely. Now you can finally be alone like you want. Enjoy it.” Cordy reached over the seat, grabbed the door handle and slammed the passenger door, successfully stealing the last word.
Buffy watched Cordelia speed away, her mouth falling slack-jawed in shock. They’d never had a fight like this before.
It took a moment for her to realize where she’d been dropped off. The road before her was beautiful, but it was also all uphill…for sixteen mansion-sized blocks.
“Couldn’t have gotten angry any closer to home, could you, Buff?” She hoisted her backpack high on her shoulders, took a breath, and started her trek home. Maybe she’d work off some of this rage.
* * *
This was so stupid. Buffy knew how to handle the situation if people would just back the hell off, but oh, no. Now her best friend had to go sticking her nose where it didn’t belong, which in turn meant that Buffy had a monumental point to prove.
This was in part why she now sat in the back of the family car with Henry at the wheel, driving her to Rupert’s Rarest Remarkables, Ltd. to see Spike. Another part, which was a very large part, was because she wanted to see him. It was far sooner than she anticipated having this talk, and it wasn’t going to go over well at all, but she couldn’t help feeling a little excited to see him after so long.
Had it really been almost two weeks? Cordelia’s proclamation had taken Buffy by surprise, but the conversation veered off course after that so she was unable to consider it until this very moment. It did not go unnoticed that this had to have been a test of Spike’s patience not to contact her all this time.
Had it been?
“What if he didn’t contact me all this time because he’s been fooling around with someone else? What if he doesn’t like me any more? Oh god, I am an idiot!”
“What was that, Miss?” Henry said, looking at her through the rearview mirror.
“You’re a guy, right?”
She took Henry’s sigh as answer enough.
“If you tell a guy you need space, and he gives it to you, do you think that means he’s found someone else?”
“I think it means he did as you asked of him.”
“Or…it could mean that he’s done something wrong.”
“I suppose, Miss.”
“Why would he listen to me anyway? I told him I needed time, but that could mean anything to a seventeen-year-old. I can’t believe he talked to Cordelia!”
The car came to a stop in front of Rupert’s store, and Buffy’s stomach twisted in knots.
“Shall I help you out of the car?” Henry asked.
“No…I just need a minute.” She closed her eyes and tried to prepare herself to see him. No matter the situation, no matter if her insides turned to jelly or if she was on the verge of some hormonal melt-down, Spike was always cool and confident, and she needed to match him this time or else she’d crumble.
“Shall I wait here or will you call for me to come fetch you later?”
“Just…no talking for a minute! Gah!” She was about to hork all over the leather seats from her nerves, but she had to get out now or she never would. She took a deep breath and opened the car door. “Just stay here and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She put on a brave face, marched up to the door, and walked in as if she owned the place. Spike wasn’t there for her grand entrance, just a bunch of dusty old antiques and a man in tweed. Joyce was the one that really made that place look more presentable than it did at the moment.
“Buffy! Well, hello there. What a nice surprise.”
“Hey, Mr. Giles.” Her heart sank from Spike’s absence, though she smiled at the older man’s warm welcome. “I suppose your nephew is off today, right?”
“No, he’s outside ‘round the back, paying off a debt.” Rupert smiled evilly, but Buffy had no time to ask what that was about. “I’m sure he’ll be very glad to see you.”
“Thanks.”
What the hell was she going to say now? She got her mojo revved up outside a second ago and now she had to do it again. This was going to be bad, bad, bad.
And holy Moses was she ever right, because he was only wearing jeans when she finally found him in the alley. His back was facing her, so she took the opportunity to stare for a moment as he swabbed a paint roller up and down a brick wall covered in graffiti. She watched a plume of cigarette smoke billow up over his head as he exhaled, a trail down his spine shining from his hard work, and it made a girl’s throat run dry.
She cleared it, and he turned around. She expected him to be surprised, and then uncaring that she was there, because he and Cordelia were bumping uglies and lying behind her back like cheating bastards!
But when he saw her, his entire face lit up and he smiled a smile that made her regret these past two weeks. How had she managed to avoid seeing something this lovely for so long?
“Buffy, what are you doing here?” He was still smiling at her. This image was worse than the back porn, because she also liked his naked chest, too. Throw an angelic smile on top of it and Buffy would be hard pressed not to start fidgeting.
Buffy was terrible at conversation when she was nervous. “Everyone keeps telling me to call you or whatever, so here I am.”
His smile evaporated in an instant, and she wished she could put it back.
“Well. Thanks for gracing me with your presence. I’m so very honored.” Spike flicked his cigarette down the alley and turned away from her, his anger manifesting in long, splattering strokes of the paint roller.
She huffed and stomped over to him. “I hear Cordelia’s been keeping you nice and warm though, so I guess I shouldn’t feel too sorry for you.” She couldn’t think of anything else to say, mostly because she was lost when it came to Spike but also because Buffy was terrible at apologizing.
He laughed through his nose and his jaw ticked, but he never looked at her. “That what this is about? Found out your best friend’s been calling and now you’ve gotta stake your claim, right?”
“Huh?” She blinked. How did he come to that conclusion in fifteen seconds?
“I’m touched.”
“That is so completely not what I’m doing.”
“Really. How long did it take you to get here from the time you found out?”
She scowled at him. So she’d walked the sixteen jillion miles to her house after Cordelia took off, grabbed Henry, and sauntered right back outside so he could drive her here, but he didn’t need to know that.
“Right.” He smirked at her. “And if you didn’t find out, would you still be here right now?”
“Y-yes. I would.”
He smiled again, but this time, it was the Spike smile. The I know exactly what color panties you are wearing because I am currently sliding them off of you in my mind smile.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like that. That look! That one right there, with the curled lip and the smoky eyes.” He was really talented with that eyeliner. “And anyway, it’s not like you’ve tried calling me or anything.”
He tsked in shock, and she knew before he said anything how lame that was. “You bloody well asked me to give you space! And I only called you the one time.”
“You…you called? No you didn’t.”
“Yeah…I did.” He exhaled harshly and set his roller down. “Hung up as soon as you answered, though.”
She remembered instantly. “That was you? I didn’t recognize the number.”
“Payphone down the corner there,” he said, nodding his head in the direction of the payphone in question. Without any shame for his actions, any fear of what she might think of him, he said, “Didn’t think you’d answer if I called from home or the shop…and I just… I wanted to hear your voice.”
Swooning. Total swooning. And that was not the point! “Why did you call Cordelia?”
“She called me, for the record, and it’s none of your business.”
The air rushed out of her lungs at his implication. Luckily, Spike had lightning-fast reflexes when it came to reading her, and he hurried to say, “Not like that, so don’t get any crazy ideas.”
She felt a little relieved, but she was still angry from her fight earlier, and he was confusing her with his smiles and sweaty sternum. There must have been a long time that passed where they stood in silence, because somehow, he’d smoked half of another cigarette without her knowing he lit up a second one.
“How are you?” He asked her this after she accused him of cheating, after she spent two weeks stringing him along, after everythingshe put him through, he asked her how she was doing. She knew it wasn’t small talk, either, that he actually cared to hear her reply.
“I’m afraid if I answer that, I’m gonna start crying.” Before she knew it, she was surrounded with his arms and his scent and if he continued to make her feel this safe, she was really, really gonna start crying.
“I’ve been so worried about you,” he said, murmuring into her hair. “You know how hard it is not to call you up every second of the day?”
She shook her head against his chest, nuzzling into him further. This was nice. God, she was a gross freak because she couldn’t get enough of his musky, outdoor aroma. Maybe because she’d been sleeping in that very scent for a while now, disco be damned.
“I was afraid I wouldn’t see you again, that I’d get carted off to London and that’d be the end of it. And when your dad came… It took everything I had not to come see you after. You know that, right?”
She didn’t know that, hadn’t even considered the fact that if her father hadn’t shown up, Spike would have been gone for good. Someone in Buffy’s life would always manage to make things work out in her favor, so she hadn’t given the idea of it going wrong a second thought. Now it made her ache, because of course all Spike would think of would be the worst case scenario, since his life had been full of them.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, just then realizing she was crying. She felt him kiss her head, his hands stroking her back, her hair, and she allowed only a second longer to let go in the comfort of his arms before she pulled away and sucked it up. It was hard to do when he continued to soothe her with gentle caresses.
“You don’t deserve my crazy right now.”
He laughed sweetly, his fingers trailing through her hair. “I like crazy.”
“I need a friend, Spike.”
Spike sighed a little, nodding once, and then he shoved his hands in his pockets. “I understand.”
The crestfallen look on his face could cripple Hitler. “No, no, no…I-I don’t mean—”
“It’s ok, I knew this was coming.” He was already too far away, his back in front of her once more, and Buffy didn’t know how she’d made it so much worse than it was to begin with.
“Spike, please turn around.” When he did, it was all she could do not to wrap him in her arms to chase his blues away. But she had to be honest with him, she had to be fair. “I don’t think I can handle not seeing you again. But I don’t think I’m in the right place to be with anyone until I can work some things out. It’s unreasonable for me to continue to ask you to give me space when I don’t even know what I need space from. But it’s also wrong of me to ask you to be my friend when I know how you feel about me.”
He looked stumped by that. It was an odd look on him. “Huh.”
“See what I’ve been dealing with? I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want you to go away, and I don’t want things to get weird, and Idon’t want you talking to Cordelia.”
The last part he grinned at, almost laughing, but he nodded in understanding. “I know, I mean…I guess I’ve known that’s what the problem was, but…” He inhaled sharply. “You sure you can’t just kiss me and realize that you’re madly in love with me?”
When he bit his lip and looked at her with his hopeful, shining eyes, she almost gave in to the temptation. But they’d only be right back to square one again.
“If you weren’t so sexy, this friends-only thing could be doable.”
“Oh, I’m very doable.” He didn’t need to add in the swagger when he said that as he approached her once more, as if his voice and eyes weren’t enough.
“And you also have a one-track mind.” She put her hand on his chest to stop him when it looked like he might make a go of it anyway. He pursed his lips and backed off, and Buffy realized she hated it when he was upset.
“I’ll let you decide, how’s that?”
He tilted his head. “Come again?”
“You know where I stand. I know where you stand. My idea totally didn’t work and we both went two weeks without talking so I think you have to decide what we should do now. I absolve myself from making this decision.”
“So you’re on the fence.”
“Yup.”
“And you don’t know if you’d rather shag me now or wait until nightfall to jump my bones.”
“Spike.”
He sighed, a grumbly, raspy sigh. “All right, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’ll be the wanker, as usual, and offer my friendship. Only. Because I adore torture. And you’ll be sweet and wonderful again and I won’t care because I’ll get to see you and eventually my dick will fall off and I’ll be the perfect bloke.”
She frowned at his self-deprecating humor. “I don’t want your dick to fall off. And I don’t want to torture you. And I don’t think you’re a wanker.”
“Sweet of you to say, love, but I am. A complete wanker who’s in love with you and you’ve just given me an in, so I’m fucking taking it.”
She couldn’t contain her smile if she tried. “You know, you’ve just made me really happy.”
“I know, fucking hell,” he said, folding his arms and groaning. “You women, I swear. But don’t think you can ignore this hot body for too long.”
She gasped. “You’re so arrogant.”
“I’m so telling the truth. You want me, I can feel it,” he said, his fists clenching, his muscles tensing, and his lips twisting up into a sexy sneer. “And…that’s probably the sort of thing I shouldn’t be doing, right?”
“You’re right, because then I would jump your bones and then regret it later and you’d hate me and I’d hate myself and it’d all go to hell in a hand basket.”
“I wouldn’t mind,” he said, shrugging casually.
“You wouldn’t mind losing me entirely just so you could get in my pants once?”
“Depends…how good are you?”
She slapped his shoulder when he started to cackle, but she could admit that she enjoyed talking with him like they did in the old days again. Old days…God, they’d only known one another a little less than a couple of months.
“So…we’re ok?”
“Yeah, Buffy. We’re ok.” He took a deep breath of relief. “Can I come over when I get off work?”
She giggled, secretly adoring how much he wanted to see her. “Don’t waste any time, do you?”
“Hell no. Gotta make up for all that lost friends-only time. Can we braid each other’s hair and watch Hugh Grant movies?”
“Careful…” she said, walking back towards the front of the shop, “I might hold you to that.”
His smile was bigger than the one he gave her when she arrived. She was positive hers matched his, but it didn’t dawn on her. She was happy to simply look at him now, take in all his beauty, his strength of character, and his obvious love of her, and let it all sink in for a solid, drawn out moment in time. This meant something, and she didn’t want to take it for granted.
“I’ll see you later, Buffy.” He picked up the paint roller, but his eyes never left hers.
“Bye, Spike.”
She should have let Spike make this call ages ago. She already felt a million times better.