Reviews

Total: 8

Reviewer: ldisch
Title: Chapter 50 & Epilogue
Date Signed: 12-09-14

Just finished your story. I really enjoyed it. You are a good story teller. I know you posted this many years ago, so these observations may no longer apply to your writing style. As mentioned by another reviewer, there are many instances of misused words and phrases. It detracts from an otherwise interesting story. You might wish to consider that gratuitous political remarks have the potential to alienate a considerable percentage of your readers. You might consider saving that for a political forum.


Reviewer: Loffropy
Title: Chapters 6-8
Date Signed: 03-22-13

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Reviewer: Kimberly L
Title: Prologue-Chapter 2
Date Signed: 08-05-11

Good start, love that the lawyers in the cellar still got what they deserved. Great banter between Buffy and Spike.


Reviewer: Stan Robinson
Title: Chapter 50 & Epilogue
Date Signed: 02-20-11

A truly wonderful story. The only bad thing was that it ended too soon.....and that Angel wasn't dealt with a little more harshly. :) Did you ever do a sequel? If you did, could you please tell me where to find it? Thanks again for a great story. Stan


Reviewer: Katerfelto
Title: Chapters 39-41
Date Signed: 04-12-07

Okay, I'm not nitpicking usage in this section, but there's one instance I can't ignore: "myelin-deprived whitey" should be "melanin-deprived whitey". Myelin is the sheathing material on nerve axons. Melanin is the pigment that determines skin color. A person who's myelin-deprived either has a neurodegenerative autoimmune disease, or is suffering from heavy metal poisoning (most commonly mercury). Someone who's melanin-deprived is white. /// Okay, one more: "The last time she bore her heart to anyone..." It's "bared", not "bore". You bear witness, but you bare your heart. /// And another one, but I swear, this is the last: "All for the namesake of science, of course." It's either "in the name of science" or "for the sake of science." "Namesake" is something else entirely.


Reviewer: Katerfelto
Title: Chapters 27-29
Date Signed: 04-12-07

More translations: /// something analogous to the worst spool of dread he had ever experienced filled his insides = Lindsay was filled with dread /// little room for lapse = little room for error /// the cabinet aligning the wall = the cabinet alongside the wall(?) /// bear an end = bring an end /// renaming the industry = renaming the company /// far and away = far away /// pull off the frontage = present the appearance /// interceded = intercepted, interrupted /// vouch of = vouching for his /// in the namesake of his regard = in that regard /// royalties = privileges /// planning that route = going that route /// fettered to her lips /// fluttered to her lips(?) /// a considerate pause = a considered pause /// caress of gentility = gentle caress /// playing a harp across her features = playing across her features /// accredit leniency /// accord leniency /// conventionally defied a vampire = conventionally defined a vampire /// pliable body = pliant body /// his patience already absolved = his patience already [any synonym for "used up"] /// opted with a dirty look = opted for a dirty look /// holds up to his bargains = holds to his bargains /// His eyes averted to his desk. /// He averted his eyes. /// A vouch of good faith = A pledge of good faith /// they were covered from all corners = they had all the angles covered /// served up his part of the bargain = lived up to his part/side of the bargain /// ... And I think I know what your problem may be. I think you're trying to vary your vocabulary unnecessarily. Don't. For one thing, it leads you to stray beyond the bounds of your own natural vocabulary. For another, it doesn't work. The strongest description is usually the plainest and most straightforward one. /// If you're shooting for elegant variation because you think it's an error to re-use a word too often, my advice is again, don't. For instance, it's *far* less obtrusive to say "Spike" several times in one paragraph than to call him "the peroxide vampire" or "the peroxide Cockney". /// And by the way, Spike doesn't have a Cockney accent. James Marsters does an American's not-very-good approximation of a non-Cockney general London accent. If you need a short description, call it a North London accent.


Reviewer: Katerfelto
Title: Chapters 15-17
Date Signed: 04-12-07

"Rouse" is a verb, meaning "to awaken or excite," as in "arouse". The word you want, that's loosely synonymous with "trick", is "ruse". /// "Risqué" means "smutty, titillating, or licentious", as in "a risqué nightclub act". The word you want in its place is "risky".


Reviewer: Katerfelto
Title: Chapters 6-8
Date Signed: 04-12-07

You have a bad case of what language mavens call "eggcorns": phonetic errors that substitute wrong words that sound similar to the right ones. I've posted elsewhere about your use of "foregone" when what you mean is "far gone". Let me point out a couple of prominent specimens in this section. /// 1. "Don' get your knickers in a twist. Whatever the old man has up his leave'll be common knowledge two seconds after I walk out the bloody door." /// The correct phrase is "up his sleeve", by extension from stage magicians and cardsharps literally keeping tricks up their sleeves. /// 2. "I will not mention what has transpired. If they get involved, things could become even harrier than they already are." /// A harrier is a raptorial bird, or a fighter jet. The word you want is "hairier", as in "That's one hairy problem, and it's about to get hairier." /// That's not a complete list of the errors in this section. /// I don't usually comment on errors in usage. If a story's unreadable, I don't read it. If it is readable, I do my best to ignore the glitches. I'm mentioning this recurrent species of error you're prone to because they really are disturbing to most readers. /// If you're old enough to be writing these stories, odds are you're not going to cure yourself of this habit on your own. It's tedious having to look up all the words and phrases you use. I recommend that you enlist a beta reader who knows the finer points of English usage. She'll quickly identify the places where you need to clean up your text, and in the process will teach you which words and phrases you tend to get wrong.